I swear I don’t have anything against the City of Jacksonville. But it seems to bring out my best pork for some reason. The first 3 reporked Oddysseys are all Jacksonville games.
This one speaks for itself. Sorry Jacksonville…
The Porcine Oddyssey #98:
Dolphins @ Jaguars
10 Things you didn’t know about the Jacksonville Jaguars
The Dolphins take on the Jacksonville Jaguars this Sunday which is an ideal time to educate you on some things about Jacksonville and the Jaguars.
*No bacon was harmed during the making of this blog post.
- Jacksonville was a Soviet Satellite:
People are always surprised at this one. At the height of the Cold War in the early 80’s the Soviet Union invaded Jacksonville and declared it part of the Soviet Union. The invasion actually unified our Country.
On April 14, 1983 President Ronald Reagan delivered one of his most famous speeches to address the invasion. In his speech, President Reagan looked at the camera and said
“Where is Jacksonville anyway?”
This brought the Country together. People of every race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, national origin and citizenship looked at each other and shrugged…
They shrugged together as one country
When they figured out where it was, Jacksonville was deemed too insignificant for a counter-attack by the United States.
Luckily for Jacksonville a team of “Wolverines” led by Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen and Green Beret/Soulman C. Thomas Howell led a rebellion to take back what was theirs! As a result of their heroic efforts “Pain Don’t Hurt” in Jacksonville. This is how Jaguar fans make it through the NFL season every year.
2. Jacksonville was Named After Fredwilbur Jackson:
You probably thought Jacksonville was named after President Andrew Jackson…Nope! Naming a city like Jacksonville after a President is silly. That is historical and stuff. You have to read to really understand history and no one can read in Jacksonville. So don’t be as stupid as the people of Jacksonville and believe it was named after Andrew Jackson.
The truth is, Jacksonville was named after Fredwilbur Jackson. Who is Fredwilbur Jackson?
Fredwilbur Jackson holds the world record for sticking the most pencils in his ears.
There is not a lot of information on Fredwilbur out there. He was reclusive on account of never being able to hear his doorbell ring. But he left us with this. When Fredwilbur was asked how he became so good at sticking pencils in his ears he said:
“I live in Jacksonville, what else am I going to do with my time.”
The record is a great source of pride for Jacksonville. The city changed its name from “Just End it Already City” to “Jacksonville” when Fredwilbur broke his record.
3. The Jaguars’ Mascot is a Pervert:
Everybody already knows this one. Jaxson De Ville has been arrested over 114 times for indecent exposure. Most of the time, the arrest follows the same pattern. Jaxson takes off all his clothing and climbs into the trunk of your car to do whatever perverts do naked in the trunk of your car.
If your lucky, you might open your trunk and Jaxson will pop out naked and flee the scene.
But if not, he slips away before you catch him. The only way you know he was there is because he leaves a dead hooker in your trunk.
This is why it is well known that if you are ever asked about a dead hooker in the trunk of your car, the best way to answer is to say:
“Hey did you see that stuffed jaguar jump out of my trunk”
4. The World’s Largest LED Screen is in Jacksonville and You Believe What it Tells You:
You may have heard that EverBank field has the largest LED Screen in the World. Which is impressive and a great way to force people to watch what they otherwise don’t want to look at.
What you may not know is that the screen sends secret messages to everyone who stares into it. These subliminal messages are used to convince Jaguar fans that they are winning.
For instance, Jaguar fans think they beat the Carolina Panthers last week by a score of 56-3. Its worse for season ticket holders. They believe the Jaguars are the first team in NFL history to “threepete”. If you hear a Jaguar fan yelling “let’s go for four!” while smothering himself with pudding, you know that he is under the spell of the big TV, albeit I can’t explain the pudding…
But don’t worry Jacksonians, Jacksonvillians, Jacksonites or whatever you fucks call yourself. I fixed it!
You are free. Now the big TV will only send truthful messages to you. See what I did!
5. They’ll Eat Your Puppies:
You might remember that Jacksonville beat the Dolphins 62-7 in the 2000 postseason once. This was Dan Marino’s last game.
This dubious moment left Jacksonville perplexed:
How can we do something as equally disgusting to honor this achievement?
To celebrate an achievement like this you might think contracting herpes is enough. But everyone in Jacksonville already has herpes – so they can’t do that.
Instead the disgusting people of Jacksonville have a puppy eating festival. Once a year in Jacksonville, no puppy is safe.
The event draws in a lot of celebrities like Michael Vick, who would otherwise prefer to snort his own poop than go to Jacksonville.
There are no rules on how to cook the puppy or whether the puppy has to be cooked at all. But the puppy must be adorable and at least one child must cry during the festival.
This way, every year the people of Jacksonville get to remember how disgusting they really are for sending Dan Marino off with a 62-7 loss in his final game.
6. Pools/Bad Plumbing, What’s the Difference?:
EverBank Field has pools in the Stadium! Pretty Cool right? Wrong! Those people are swimming in their own urine.
When Everbank was being “renovated” they had some plumbing issues that caused what is known as “backup”. So you know, cut a corner here, cut a corner there – “We have pools in our stadium”
Ever do the backstroke in your own urine? To Jaguar season ticket owners the answer is “Every Sunday”
7. The Owner Will Sell You his Car:
Eccentric owner Shahid Khan is worth well over 5.6 billion. How did he make his fortune? By selling you his old cars – just look at him. He is selling a car in that picture!
What’s wrong with selling his cars to some one who wants to buy a car? Nothing..if the car has an engine. Before selling you the car, Khan removes the engine. The following dialogue ensues:
“Hey you sold me a car without an engine!”,
“No, I sold you a shiny car without an engine”
and in fact most of his cars are shiny, so…
But that is not how he makes his money. Khan takes the engine and sells it to aliens so they can build a weapon to destroy the Earth. All in all, Khan is not a very nice guy but he does have a fantastic mustache.
8. Blake Bortles’s New Girlfriend is Ugly
Sure, I bet you’ve seen her. But that was before Jacksonville drafted Blake Bortles. You might already know that when Bortles was at UCF he dated hot swimsuit models.
But things have changed since coming to Jacksonville. He is now completely undesirable to most women.
Now women look at Bortles like he asked them to chop lumber for the fireplace while he takes a nap. If Bortles goes to a club he is likely to leave with a drink in the face, a kick in the nuts and a lawsuit.
But Blake is known as a nice guy.
He found a woman.
And she does not vomit when he says “hello”
Here is the problem – SERIOUS DOWNGRADE. The only way I can show you is with an illustration. So have a look.
I know what you are saying: Piggy, how can you body shame Miss Smeagol like that? And the answer is: Go Fuck Yourself.
Things are about to get worse when I discuss the Sabans.
9. Nick Saban loves Jacksonville:
Its not really Nick Saban, its his whore wife who loves Jacksonville. She loves the shoes in Jacksonville. You see Jacksonville is the only city that makes shoes big enough for her whore feet.
Why are her feet so big? Well, its a little known fact that all of the Sabans were born with a disease that makes them assholes and causes them to have deformities to their feet, face, brain and testicles. I don’t know what they call that disease, and its too gross for me to look into.
Why does Jacksonville make such big shoes? Have you no humanity? Why would you ask a question like that? Would you rather that cunt solicit sex barefoot? I think if you are asking yourself this you need to rethink your moral stance on the Sabans. These are pathetic people.
Its bad enough Mrs. Saban is married to such an asshole – now you want her to be barefoot while she walks the streets of places other than Miami! What is a matter with you?
Let’s just leave this one alone and let these ogres go about their lives.
10. Bill Belichick loves it too!:
You can cheat in Jacksonville. During an NFL investigation by Ted Wells, which he was paid for in small pacific islands for conducting, the following memo was found:
“Dear Coach Belichick,
In response to your query the answer is YES! More specifically I don’t give a fuck if you cheat or not. Most Jaguars fans are dead inside and won’t know the difference.
Boobbabby Loollally Zoozzazzy! I don’t know what I am saying. I don’t even know what I am saying anymore!!! Gibberish is my chosen form of communication.
Please excuse the drool on this memo, I was shooting bug spray when I wrote it.
It should come to no surprise to you that Coach Belichick is happy to exploit the bug spray addicted Jaguars.
So now that you are armed with all these facts for the game on Sunday, there is only one thing left to say: