THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #60: Panthers at Dolphins

NewtonOinked

 

PIGGY AND PSYCHIC GPS ARE SITTING AT A TABLE.  PIGGY IS SHAKING GPS. 

 

Psychic GPS: Piggy, stop shaking me.  What are you trying to anyway?

 

The Flying Pig:  Sorry GPS.  I just can’t find any information on the Panthers on the internet.   They are so under the radar.  Its frustrating.  Why are they so stout defensively?

 

Psychic GPS: I thought that might happen.  I took the liberty of hiring a private investigator

 

The Flying Pig:  Don’t tell me….is it….

 

Psychic GPS: That’s right its….

 

DIGGS P.I.

 

THE DIGGS P.I. THEME BEGINS TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND.  THREE SEXY CHICKENS ARE SINGING THE DIGGS P.I. THEME SONG

 

Chickens:  (singing)  He’s Diggs P.I. the bird with the plan and he’s angry.

 

DiggsMobile

 

Chickens:  (singing) He’s Diggs P.I. the bird with the information and he’ll school you.

 

DiggsPIinAction

 

Chickens:  (singing) He’s Digg P.I. and all the chickens think he’s sexy (blushing)

 

BackgroundChickens

 

Chickens:  (singing) He’s Digg P.I. and he will fuck you up!

 

DiggsPIonFire

 

DIGGS P.I. CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR 

 

Diggs P.I.: Which one of you motherfuckers wants to know about the Carolina Panthers

 

The Flying Pig:  (fearfully) Um….that would be me..

 

Diggs P.I.: Well they are very stout defensively.  They have the top scoring defense in the league and they are #3 in yards against.

 

The Flying Pig:  But How?  They were one of the worst defenses in the league two years ago

 

Diggs P.I.: They have drafted some big time players on defense the last two years.  In 2012 with their first pick they took Luke Keuchly.  He is the leading tackler on their team now and considered one of the best middle linebackers in the game by many.  You might remember Kuechly was involved in a controversial no call last Monday

 

Gronk-Keuchly

 

The Flying Pig:  Yeah, everyone knows about Kuechly….but one guy?

 

Diggs P.I.: No, not one guy.  In 2013 they drafted a defensive tackle in the first round AND the second.

 

Pyschic GPS:  Yeah Star Lotulelei fell into their lap in the draft.

 

The Flying Pig:  Good player.  (sarcastically) I hear a little Piggy around here was calling him the best defensive player in the draft

 

 

StarLotulelie

 

Diggs P.I.: Their second round pick, Kawann Short, has also produced.  He does’t start, but he actually has more tackles than the guy who starts ahead of him Dwan Edwards – so he plays a lot.

 

The Flying Pig:  Imagine that, a team that plays their rookies

 

Diggs P.I.: And its not just guys drafted the last couple of years.  A 2010 draftee, Greg Hardy, is the leading tackler on their defensive line.  This team is very hard to run against.

 

Psychic GPS:  So the Dolphins must pass against them

 

Diggs P.I.: Well that won’t be easy, they are 5th in the NFL in pass defense.  But the Dolphins might have caught a break, their leading pass rusher, Charles Johnson, might be out on Sunday

 

charles-johnson copy

 

The Flying Pig:  Well I guess we got lucky

 

Diggs P.I.:  Its not just their defensive line, its their linebackers.  On one side of Kuechly, they picked up a relatively low priced free agent in Chase Blackburne.  You may remember Blackburne from his days playing for the Giants and picking off Tom Brady in the Super Bowl.

 

The Flying Pig:  Okay, so what, they have a Linebacker that played in the SuperBowl.

 

Diggs P.I.:  But I think the most underrated guy on their defensive is the other outside linebacker, Thomas Davis.  He is second on their team in tackles, just four less than Kuechly and he has three sacks, so expect him to blitz against the Dolphins.

 

Thomas-Davis

 

The Flying Pig:  I know that name, wasn’t he a high draft pick?

 

Diggs P.I.:  He was a first rounder in 2005 for the Panthers.  They stuck with him, even after their defense went south after losing Julius Peppers.  The Panthers did not blow it up and now guys like Davis and Johnson a key pieces on their defense.

 

The Flying Pig:  Imagine that, a team that keeps its veterans….

 

Psychic GPS:  So how do the Dolphins beat the Panthers?

 

Diggs P.I.:  (placing a knife on the table)  We have to stab them!

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