SINCE THE OINKFATHER ENDED, MANY HUMANS HAVE WONDERED WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STARS OF THE OINKFATHER.  SURELY THE UNPRECEDENTED BOX OFFICE SUCCESS AND CRITICAL ACCLAIM LEAD TO CAREER SUCCESS FOR THE STARS OF THE OINKFATHER.

 

FOR MANY OF THE STARS, IT DID.  MUSTACHIO WAS DECORATED WITH AWARD AFTER AWARD FOR HIS ROLE AS MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE.  HE QUICKLY BECAME ONE OF AMERICA’S MOST RESPECTED ACTORS

 

 

BUT MUSTACHIO’S CAREER SUCCESS DID NOT LEAD TO SUCCESS IN HIS LOVE LIFE.  MRS. MUSTACHIO CONTINUED TO BE A WHORE, SLEEPING WITH THE ENTIRE CAST OF THE OINKFATHER II, THE OINKFATHER III AS WELL AS THE PORN PARODY – THE OINKDADDY.  MUSTACHIO DIVORCED HIS WIFE.  THEN HE REMARRIED HER..AGAIN AND AGAIN.  

 

THE TABLOIDS LOVED TO EXPLOIT HIS TUMULTUOUS LOVE LIFE.  IN TOTAL MUSTACHIO DIVORCED HER FIVE TIMES AND MARRIED HER SIX TIMES BEFORE PURCHASING AND ISLAND, AND MOVING AWAY TO HIDE FROM THE MEDIA.  ONCE THEY GOT TO THE ISLAND, MRS. MUSTACHIO PROMPTLY SLEPT WITH A COCONUT.  AFFANCULO!

 

A LOVE AFFAIR DEVELOPED BETWEEN TWO OF THE ACTORS IN THE OINKFATHER.  DAWN APONTE FELL IN LOVE WITH WEDGE 

 

AND WEDGE..

 

WELL, HE DID WHATEVER APONTE WANTED 

 

 

LIKE MUSTACHIO PSYCHIC GPS ALSO RECEIVED CRITICAL ACCLAIM FOR HIS ROLE IN THE OINKFATHER.  BUT GPS BECAME DISENCHANTED WITH HOLLYWOOD.  HE MOVED TO FRANCE AND BECAME A MIME.

 

Parisian Tourist:  (watching GPS perform) I don’t get it.  All he does is that “turn right“ sign.  Doesn’t this mime do the trapped in the box bit?

 

 

LIKE PSYCHIC GPS, THE LITTLE PRAWN LEFT ACTING IN MOVIES.  BUT THE SHELLFISH TOOK UP MUSIC.  EVENTUALLY, THE LITTLE PRAWN SETTLED INTO TO A REGULAR GIG PERFORMING AT SEA WORLD.

 

 

 

COLONPOKEY CONTINUED TO ACT.  HOWEVER, HE HARDLY STARRED IN A MAINSTREAM MOVIE AGAIN.  COLONPOKEY BECAME THE LEADING STAR OF JAILHOUSE PORN.  AND HE WAS NEVER HAPPIER

 

 

 

BUT WHAT BECAME OF PIGGY.

 

PIGGY ALSO ENJOYED FAME.  AS THE YOUNG PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE, PIGGY BECAME A FULL FLEDGED HEARTTHROB.  HE APPEARED ON TALK SHOWS, MAGAZINE COVERS AND CHRISTMAS ALBUMS

 

PIGGY LIVED THE LIFE.  HE HAD BARNS IN MALIBU, MONTENEGRO AND FIGI.  HE COLLECTED CARS AND BOATS AND DATED SUPER MODELS

 

 

Kate Upton:  Oh, Piggy, I’m so happy to be here with you

 

The Flying Pig: (lifting his snout from a plate)  Calm your Tits Upton.I go out with lots of models.

 

Kate Upton:  You are so romantic…

 

The Flying Pig: Yeah.I guess (Piggy farts)

 

BUT PIGGY’S 15 MINUTES DIDN’T LAST LONG.  A LITTLE UNDER 13 MINUTES TO BE EXACT.  

 

PIGGY STRUGGLED TO FIND WORK AFTER THE OINKFATHER.  HE QUICKLY GAINED A REPUTATION AS BEING HARD TO WORK WITH, UNREASONABLY DEMANDING AND GASEOUS.

 

DESPERATE FOR WORK.IN THE END.PIGGY SOLD OUT

 

 

WHEN IT WAS OINKED AND DONE, PIGGY SIMPLY WENT BACK TO HIS NORMAL LIFE.  WAITING FOR THE NFL DRAFT.AND WAITING.AND WAITING

 

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PIGGY’S FINAL 2014 DRAFT OINK

 

TOP 15 WRs/SAMURAI                  TOP 5 TEs                             TOP 10 RBs/PORKLEONES

 

1.  Sammy Watkins                           1.  Eric Ebron                        1.  Lache Seastrunk

2.  Brandin Cooks                             2. Jace Amaro                       2. Charles Sims 

3.  Mike Evans                                   3. Austin Safarian-Jenkins   3.  Tre Mason

4.  Marquis Lee                                 4. Troy Niklas             4. Andre Williams

5.  Odell Beckham Jr.                       5.  CJ Fiedorowicz                5. Ka’Deem Carey

6.  Donte Moncrief                                                                            6. Jeremy Hill

7.  Allen Robinson                                                                             7.  Carlos Hyde

8. Kelvin Benjamin                                                                            8.  Bishop Sankey

9. Jordan Matthews                                                                          9.  James White

10. Davonte Adams                                                                          10. Davonte Freeman

11. Martavis Bryant

12. Brandon Coleman

13. Paul Richardson

14. Bruce Ellington

15. Jarvis Landry

 

Piggy’s No Trade Down/Up Mock Draft (Offense)

1.  Eric Ebron – TE

2. JuWuan James – OT

3. Dakota Dozier – OG

4. Lache Seastrunk – RB

5.  Trai Turner – OG

6.  Brandon Coleman – WR

7. David Fales – QB

 

Piggy’s No Trade Down/Up Mock Draft (Defense)

1.  Aaron Donald – DT

2. Chris Borland – LB

3. James Gayle – DE

4. Lache Seastrunk – RB

5. Chris Davis – CB

6. Jonathan Dowling – S

7. Tyler Star – OLB

 

Piggy’s Dream Draft

 

1a Zack Martin – OL

1b Eric Ebron – TE

1c – Aaron Donald – DT

 

Between Day 1 and 2 Tom Brady steps on a poisonous snail.  His foot is amputated but he vows to play in 2014.  Brady 2014 Stats:  0 TDs, 142 Ints, 6 yards, Comp % .005, QBR: –π 

 

2a Morgan Moses – OT

2b Chris Borland – LB

2c Marquis Lee – WR

3a Donte Moncreif – WR

3b Lache Seastrunk

3c Dakota Dozier – OG

 

Between days 2 and 3 Bill Belichick is caught videotaping Roger Goodell’s toilet

He is suspended one decade 

 

4a.  Trai Turner – OG

4b.  Andre Williams – RB

4c. Craig Loston – S

 

5. Anthony Barr OLB (He slips to the 5th, but no one realizes until the Dolphins nab him)

 

Between days 4 and 5 Rex Ryan’s contract is renewed for another 5 years

 

6. Dolphins trade to Jaguars for 2015 1st, 2nd and 3rd

7. Dolphins trade to Raiders for 2015 – 2025 1st, 2nd and 3rd