PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE IS LEAVING THE FUNERAL OF MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE WHEN JOANNA TESSIO APPROCHES HIM

 

Joanna Tessio:  Piggy, er um…Oinkfather, do you have a minute…Barzini wants to arrange a meeting in my territory, to straighten some of our problems out

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  A meeting?

 

Joanna Tessio:  Yeah…just Barzini, myself, my mommy and a few lawyers…

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  I guess so…

 

Joanna Tessio:  Great!  It won’t be any big dal.  Just make sure you bring every form of communication including, without limitation, all written, printed, typed, recorded, audio/digitally recorded, voice recorded, any materials maintained electronically or graphic matter of any kind, type, nature, or description, in whatever form that is or has been in your actual or constructive possession, custody, or control, including, but not limited to, all printed and electronic copies of electronic mail, notes, correspondence, memoranda, tapes, stenographic or handwritten notes, written forms of any kind, articles, letters, telegrams, photographs, minutes, contracts, agreements, reports, surveys, computer printouts, data compilations of any kind, teletypes, facsimiles, invoices, order forms, checks, drafts, statements, credit memos, reports, summaries, books, ledgers, notebooks, schedules transparencies, recordings, audio/digital recordings, catalogs, advertisements, promotional materials, films, video tapes, audio tapes, digital/audio recordings, voicemail recordings, brochures, pamphlets, or any written or recorded materials of any kind, however stored recorded, produced, or reproduced, including backup tapes….No big deal right?  See you there!  (he walks away)

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  (approaching Piggy after Tessio leaves)  Do you know how they will come at you yet?

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  They are arranging a meeting with Barzini in Tessio’s neighborhood.  I will meet with them…after the baptism.  I have agreed to be Oinkfather to Pokey’s baby.

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  The rodent had a baby with Carlo Smith…..ewwwwwww

 

INSIDE A CHURCH PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE IS STANDING WITH A PRIEST AND A BABY IN THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH IN A BAPTISM CEREMONY

 

The Priest:  (chanting in Latin) Si igitur vis ad vitam ingredi, serva mandata…Tre Mason lead the Auburn Tigers to the National Championship game last season… et proximum tuum sicut teipsum

 

 

ELSEWHERE RICHIE CLEMENZA PLACES A SHOTGUN IN A LARGE BROWN BOX THEN HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR OF HIS HOME

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE DIGGS NERI, THE NEW HITMAN FOR THE PORKLEONES, IS PUTTING A POLICE UNIFORM ON

 

BACK AT THE CHURCH

 

The Priest:  (chanting in Latin) ab eo, immunde spiritus, Tre Mason had over 1800 yards in 2013 for the Tigers…et da locum Spiritui Sancto Paraclito.

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE-ER ANOTHER NEW HITMAN FOR THE PORKLEONES, JOHN JERRY CICCI, WALKS THROUGH A REVOLVING DOOR OF A HOTEL AND INTO THE HOTEL STAIRWELL.  HE STOPS TO EAT A JELLY DOUGHNUT.

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE-ER x 2, ANOTHER PORKLEONE HITMAN,  COACH “ROCCO” TURNER IS SCOPING OUT THE SHOES STORES IN THE LOCAL MALL, WAITING FOR REX TATTAGLIA TO ARRIVE

 

BACK AT THE CHURCH

 

The Priest:  (chanting in Latin) Accipe signum Crucis tam in fronte…Tre Mason’s father was a member of the 80’s/90’s band De La Soul…isn’t that a cool little fact…eh… Dei iam esse possis….(he stops chanting) this is his father a/k/a Maseo among other stage names

 

 

AT THE ORIGINAL ELSEWHERE RICHIE CLEMENS BEGINS WALKING UP A HOTEL STAIRWELL.  DON STRACCI, HEAD OF THE STRACCI FAMILY GETS INTO AN ELEVATOR AT THE SAME HOTEL WITH HIS BODYGUARD.  

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE, BELICHEAT BARZINI IS DRIVEN TO THE NEW YORK CITY COURTHOUSE BY HIS DRIVER

 

Belicheat Barzini:  mumble mumble mumble.  I can’t believe I have to fight this ticket today…that damn cop thought I was texting while driving…idiot, I was obviously filming practice on my phone.  (he steps out of the car and walks up the steps of the courthouse)  You wait here driver.  I will be back.

 

BACK AT THE CHURCH

 

The Priest:  (chanting in Latin) Oremus: Preces nostras, quaesumus,…Dan Brugler compares Tre Mason to Ray Rice.  He is about the same size too.  He is a low center of gravity one cut runner…Domine, clementer exaudi; et hunc electum tuum

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE-ER AGAIN JOHN JERRY CICCI FINISHES HIS EIGHTH DONUT WHEN DON CUNNEO, HEAD OF THE CUNNEO FAMILY WALKS BY HIM.  HE HAS ANOTHER BITE OF A DOUGHNUT.  THEN HE PUTS THE BOX OF DOUGHNUTS DOWN TO FOLLOW CUNNEO.  THEN HE RETURNS TO THE BOX OF DOUGHNUTS AND EATS ANOTHER DOUGHNUT.  THEN HE BEGINS TO FOLLOW CUNNEO AGAIN.  THEN HE GOES BACK TO THE DOUGHNUTS.  DON CUNNEO APPROACHES THE REVOLVING DOOR OF THE HOTEL.

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE..ER x 2 COACH ROCCO TURNER OBSERVES REX TATTAGLIA ENTER A SHOE STORY.  REX TATTAGLIA BEGINS TO SNIFF A FEW OF THE SHOES

 

MEANWHILE IN VEGAS A/K/A ANOTHER ELSEWHERE, MO GREEN IRELAND LIES DOWN TO HAVE A MASSAGE. 

 

Mo Green Ireland:  (to the masseuse) Go soft, like the offensive line I built for the 2013 Dolphins…

 

BACK AT THE CHURCH

 

The Priest:  (handing Piggy the baby) Piggy

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  (looking at the baby) Ewwwwwwww!  Squeal!

 

The Priest:  Do you renounce barbecue?

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  I do renounce barbecue

 

AT THE ORIGINAL ELSEWHERE THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS FOR DON STRACCI.  ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE ELEVATOR DOOR, RICHIE CLEMENZA IS STANDING THERE WITH A SHOTGUN.  RICHIE CLEMENZA FIRES TWO SHOTS KILLING DON STRACCI AND HIS BODYGUARD.  

 

 

BACK AT THE CHURCH

 

The Priest:  Do you renounce slow roasting?

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  I do renounce slow roasting

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE, IN FRONT OF THR COURTHOUSE, DIGGS NERI IN A POLICE UNIFORM WAIVES THE CAR AWAY WAITING FOR BELCHEAT BARZINI.  THE CAR DRIVES AWAY.  

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE-ER  JOHN JERRY CICCI GIVES A SIGNAL TO THE REVOLVING DOOR.  THE REVOLVING DOOR TRAPS DON CUNNEO

 

“The Revolving Door”

 

Don Cunneo:  Colombo???  I didn’t expect you to stop me!

 

JOHN JERRY CICCI SHOOTS DON CUNNEO

 

BACK AT THE CHURCH

 

The Priest:  Piggy, Do you renounce hickory smoking?

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  I do renounce hickory smoking…and all smoking

 

ELSEWHERE ELSE X 2 COACH ROCCO TURNER CONFRONTS REX TATTAGLIA WHILE HE IS LICKING A SHOE AND SHOOTS HIM IN THE SHOE STORE

 

 

BACK AT THE CHURCH

 

The Priest:  Do you renounce chicharonnes and pork rinds?

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Yes…I hate those fucking things!!!

 

MEANWHILE IN VEGAS A/K/A ANOTHER ELSEWHERE, MO GREEN IRELAND HEARS THE SOUND OF THE MASSAGE PARLOR DOOR OPEN

 

Mo Green Ireland:  Wait (grabbing his glasses and putting them on) let’s make this as gruesome as possible, like the 2009 Miami Dolphins draft

 

MO GREEN IRELAND IS SHOT THROUGH THE GLASSES IN THE EYE

 

 

BACK AT THE CHURCH

 

The Priest:  Do you renounce bacon and all of its works?

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  (shamefully) sometimes…

 

IN THE ORIGINAL ELSEWHERE, WHICH IS OUTSIDE OF THE NEW YORK COURT HOUSE…EH…ELSEWHERE FROM WHERE IT ORIGINALLY STARTED TO BE ELSEWHERE, BELICHEAT BARZINI COMES DOWN THE STAIRS OF THE COURTHOUSE AND NOTICES HIS CAR IS GONE.

 

Belicheat Barzini:  Mumble mumble mumble.  I won.  Mumble mumble mumble.

 

DIGGS NERI SHOOTS BELICHEAT BARZINI ON THE STEPS OF THE COURTHOUSE

 

Belicheat Barzini:  Mumble mumble mumble.  I’ve been shot.  (falling over and dying) Mumble mumble mumble.

 

 

AFTER THE BAPTISM PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE IS WALKING OUT OF THE CHURCH WITH KAY APONTE.  HE WALKS UP TO CARLO SMITH.

 

Piggy Micheal Porkleone:  Carlo…we can’t go to Vegas, everyone will go ahead of us…meet me at the house. (He walks away heading for the Porkleone Estate)

 

Joanna Tessio:  (trying to catch Piggy) Wait Piggy…the meeting?

 

DIGGS NERI AND JOHN JERRY CICCI STOP JOANNA TESSIO.  HE LOOKS AROUND REALIZING HE IS CAUGHT.  TOM GPS CONSIGLIERI APPROACHES TESSIO.

 

Joanna Tessio:  (to GPS) GPS…can you get me off the hook…for old time’s sake…

 

Tom GPS Consiglieri:  Not this time Joanna…

 

Joanna Tessio:  Can you put that in writing and email it to my mommy?

 

BACK AT THE PORKLEONE ESTATE, CARLO SMITH MEETS WITH PIGGY AND KAY APONTE IN A ROOM.  

 

Carlo Smith:  So what is up Piggy…

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Oh not much, I thought we would all go to the meeting with Tessio and Barzini together…where is Tessio Kay?

 

Kay Aponte:  He is gone…so is Barzini, Tattaglia, Cunnio, Stracci and Mo Green Ireland.

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  So its just me and Carlo Smith at the meeting?

 

Kay Aponte:  No!  Piggy there is no meeting!  I had them all killed…Carlo go wait in the car.  Take this plane ticket and get out of town!  I know you had Sonny Wedge killed!

 

Carlo Smith:  (crying)  But Kay, it was just business…

 

Kay Aponte:  Get out of my face!

 

CARLO SMITH GRABS THE TICKET AND RUNS INTO THE CAR.  HE GETS IN THE CAR’S FRONT SEAT.  RICHIE CLEMENS IS SEATED BEHIND HIM IN THE BACKSEAT

 

Richie Clemenza:  Hello Carlo…

 

Carlo Smith:  Hey Richie!  Did you see Tre Mason in the SEC Championship game against Missouri?  He ran for 304 yards!  What a workhorse.  And that was a defense that featured Kony Ealy and Michael Sam

 

RICHIE CLEMENZA GAROTTES CARLO SMITH AND BEGINS PULLING HIM INTO THE BACKSEAT 

 

Richie Clemenza:  Michael Sam is a….is a….is a (struggling to finish the sentence)….a person who is not concerned about the culture of the Dolphins locker room.

 

CARLO SMITH STRUGGLES SO MUCH WITH CLEMENZA HE KICKS HIS FOOT THROUGH THE FRONT WINDSHIELD BEFORE DYING 

 

 

BACK INSIDE THE HOUSE

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  He is going to ruin his shoes that way.

 

Kay Aponte:  He is dead!  I had them all killed!

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Killed…but why?  We are about to have another meeting

 

Kay Aponte:  Because Piggy, there is only one left.  One Oinkfather!  And they call him APONTE!!!!

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  APONTE!!!

 

 

THE END

 

(the Oinkfather theme)

 

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH OINK

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH OINK

WAH WAH WAH OINK

WAH WAH WAH OINK

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH OINK