SOMEWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE A UFO TRAVELS THROUGH THE MILKY WAY GALAXY. INSIDE OF THE UFO THERE IS A ROOM FILLED WITH HUNDREDS CUBICLES. WEDGE IS WORKING INSIDE ONE OF THE CUBICLES. AN ANNOUNCEMENT COMES OVER THE SPEAKERS Announcement: Happy Hump Day Aliens! All Hail the Alpha Alien who has guided us all through the destruction of so many planets. Today, the lunch special is a centipede salad. The first aliens to log in over 20 kileovolts of hours this morning can have an extra helping of centipede. Enjoy Hump Day. Keep up the good hard work, and remember, a good Earth is a destroyed Earth. Wedge: (crying in his cubicle and ignoring the announcement) What a tough loss…I thought everything was on track and then this. Why did Detroit have to get Calvin Johnson back when they played us (crying a little louder) MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY, A TWO HEADED ALIEN IN THE CUBICLE NEXT TO WEDGE, PEEK OVER THE TOP OF THEIR CUBICLE AT WEDGE. Mary-Kate Head: Hey Wedge! Keep it down man. I don’t want to draw the Alpha Alien’s Attention over here. Ashley Head: (gasping) Oh my! His xoovey bulbs are glowing! Mary-Kate Head: If the Alpha Alien sees his xoovey bulbs glowing we are all dead! What are you doing Wedge! Wedge: I’m sorry ladies, I was just reading about the Miami Dolphins loss last Sunday. Man, I miss watching the Dolphins (his xoovey bulbs glow a little brighter) Ashley Head: Stop it Wedge. Just stop reading about the Dolphins! Mary-Kate Head: You know the Alpha Alien had us all implanted with xoovey bulbs to keep our mind on work. When you get distracted with anything other than destroying the Earth – your bulbs glow. Wedge: I know…I know…a good Earth is a destroyed Earth…but I can’t stop thinking about the Dolphins. Do you think, if I speak with the Alpha Alien, he will give me some vacation time, maybe let me check out the game this weekend. Ashley Head: Are you crazy Wedge! The Alpha Alien insists you don’t have any other interest except his work, which in this case is destroying the Earth! Mary-Kate Head: That is why your bulbs are glowing! Wedge: I don’t know, he seems like he might understand… Ashley Head: Do you know the story of Calamari46? Mary-Kate Head: Calamari46 used to work here. He used to sit at your desk before you. Ashley Head: Tell Wedge the story! Mary-Kate Head: Well…don’t tell anyone I told you. Calamari46 was a hard working alien, one of the Alpha Alien’s favorites. We were researching the best way to destroy BlueStar8 in the Polaris Galaxy for months MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY BEGIN TO TELL THE STORY OF CALAMARI46 AND A FLASHBACK OCCURS Alpha Alien: (screaming) Can’t any of you come up with a way to destroy BlueStar8! Its just sitting there waiting to be destroyed. We’ve been at it for months! Calamari46: Permission to speak Alpha Alien Alpha Alien: Permission granted Calamari46 Calamari46: I have to admit…I haven’t been working all this time. Alpha Alien: Not working!!! Calamari46: No Alpha Alien. I’ve been exploring my hobby, the thing I live for… Alpha Alien: Destroying planets? Calamari46: No, not that… Alpha Alien: Not that???….what else is there? Calamari46: There is one thing…one thing that is in my blood…one thing that is the greatest feeling ever…You see Alpha Alien: I gotta knit! (he shows the Alpha Alien two needles and a scarf he is making) I gotta KNIT!!!!! Alpha Alien: What is this insubordination? I don’t want to talk about knitting! Lets destroy a planet! Guards throw Calamari in the incinerator! Calamari46: Wait! Wait! I have an idea (whispering his idea to the Alpha Alien) LATER THAT DAY AT A DESTRUCTION OF BLUESTAR8 AFTER PARTY Alpha Alien: (standing up at the head of a table) Everyone raise their glass to Calamari46, my favorite agent. Only Calamari had the vision to knit the giant pink sock and wrap it around BlueStar8. Only Calamari46 had the foresight to understand that the entire population of BlueStar8 was allergic to wool. Only Calamari46 knew that the color pink would cause the atmosphere of BlueStar8 to heat up and disappear permitting a devastating meter shower to finish that planet off! Calamari46 you are a great knitter. You are exactly the kind of creative alien that makes destroying planets fun! From this day forward I will encourage all agents to explore their interests and hobbies. ALL THE ALIENS IN THE ROOM RAISE THEIR GLASSES All the Aliens in the Room (together): All Hail the Alpha Alien, great destroyer of worlds. Long live knitting, the weapon of the future. Tentacles up for Calamari46! Alpha Alien: Yes! Tentacles up for Calamari46! Calamari, maybe someday you will knit me a little something… Calamari46: Well…its funny you mentioned it…I um…I made you a gift…to celebrate the destruction of BlueStar8. (he places a gift wrapped box on the table in front of the Alpha Alien) Alpha Alien: Oh (blushing) You shouldn’t have….(unwrapping the gift) Oh….its a sweater. I love it! Its lovely…. All the Aliens in the Room (together): Try it on! Try it on! Try it on! Alpha Alien: Okay, Okay. THE ALPHA ALIEN PUTS THE SWEATER ON. THE SWEATER IS ABNORMALLY OVERSIZED. Alpha Alien: oh…um…its seems a little big… Calamari46: oh…well…I’m sorry your highness…I thought you were bigger… Alpha Alien: escuse me? Calamari46: I mean…I made a mistake…I um didn’t realize you were smaller Alpha Alien: I’m the Alpha Alien! Am I not big enough for you? Calamari46: No…eh…that isn’t what I meant…I meant, you looked bigger to me Alpha Alien: Bigger??? Like fat? Did you just call me fat? Calamari46: That is not what I meant…I meant…. Alpha Alien: You are ruining my planet destroying party! I’m not fat! Its the holidays. I can lose a few pounds after the new year! Calamari46: No.. You are not fat! Alpha Alien: Guards! Remove this squid from my party! I will deal with him later! All the Aliens in the Room (together): Destroy Calamari! Destroy Calamari! Destroy Calamari! BACK TO THE PRESENT Ashley Head: and from that day on, the Alpha Alien outlawed all hobbies and interests Mary-Kate Head: He installed xoovey bulbs in all of us and they glow when you are thinking about something other than work. Ashley Head: He took away our free will. As long as you have xoovey bulbs, you re stuck here working all day and night Mary-Kate Head: The only good Earth is a Destroyed Earth! Wedge: What ever happened to Calamari46? Ashley Head: Some people say he was incinerated. Mary-Kate Head: Others say you can taste him in every bite of paella in Northern Spain Ashley Head: He is gone now and that is what is important! The point is, you have to focus on work and work only! Wedge: But I can’t just give up the Dolphins! They need me. They are 5-4 and have a game Thursday night. A division rival! Ashley Head: Here comes the Alpha Alien! Mary-Kate Head: Everyone get back to work. Wedge hide your glowing bulbs! THE MARYKATE AND ASHLEY ALIEN PRETENDS TO BE WORKING AT ITS OWN COMPUTER. THE ALPHA ALIEN STANDS BEHIND WEDGE AT HIS DESK Alpha Alien: How is it going Wedge. Any news on a new way to destroy the Earth? Wedge: eh…um…eh…(he clumsily covers his glowing bulbs) eh….Kyle Orton…I mean…oh no…oops Alpha Alien: Kyle Orton? What is that? Wedge: eh…um…eh…its a volcano Alpha Alien: The Kyle Orton Volcano….interesting Wedge: Yeah, we can use it as an entry point to destroy the Earth Alpha Alien: Why has no one else mentioned this Kyle Orton to me Wedge: its probably insignificant by most accounts. The Orton kind of sucks… Alpha Alien: Well, nonetheless, I should have been told. I’m going to find out who forgot to tell me and punish them. Good work Wedge! (walking away) THE MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY ALIEN PEEKS BACK OVER THE CUBICLE Ashley Head: That was close! Mary-Kate Head: Hey, why didn’t you tell us about the volcano you found? Wedge: Its not a volcano…He’s a quarterback…um…sort of….Guys its no use, I can’t keep my mind off the Dolphins…Isn’t there something I can do about these bulbs… Ashley Head: Should we tell him? Mary-Kate Head: No! That is crazy! Wedge: Tell me what? Mary-Kate Head: Don’t tell him! Ashley Head: There is this doctor…um sort of… Mary-Kate Head: He’s not even licensed anymore…he’s a butcher! Ashley Head: He used to be a great doctor, but ever since he found out they declassified Pluto as a planet, well, he’s been a bit of a wildcard… Mary-Kate Head: He’s a F3CX gas addict! Ashley Head: He can remove your bulbs for you…you only have to pay him in F3CX gas. (she hands Wedge a card with the doctor’s contact information) LATER THAT DAY, WEDGE SNEAKS AWAY FROM WORK TO SEE THE DOCTOR IS A SHADY BACK ALLEY Wedge: (knocking on a door in an alley) hello…Dr. MultiClaws…are you there Nurse Wormjuice: (opening the door) He’s passed out again…maybe you should come back later. Wedge: but I have these bulbs…I need to get them removed…. Nurse Wormjuice: Look…He isn’t what he used to be…you should just go…its dangerous… Wedge: but I love the Dolphins and I…. Dr. MultiClaws: What is it Nurse (coming to the door disoriented) We don’t want any girl scouts cookies little alien! Get out of here! Wedge: I’m not selling cookies. I’m here to get my bulbs removed Dr. MultiClaws: What? Who sent you here? Wedge: No one sent me here. I heard you can do it…I brought F3CX gas…(showing a canister of gas) Dr. MultiClaws: Come in! (taking the canister of gas and quickly sniffing it) Sit on the bed. Nurse (to Nurse Wormjuice) bring me my tools. we are going to operate! Wedge: Just like that? Dr. MultiClaws: (pushing Wedge’s head down) relax. I’ve done it a thousand times. (he suddenly passes out) Wedge: Hello? Hello? Are you awake Nurse Wormjuice: (helping the doctor up) he passes out sometimes…. Dr. MultiClaws: (coming to conscious) What a rush!!! Wedge: Um…maybe this isn’t a good idea…What happened to your hands. Dr. MultiClaws: My hands? Oh, the gas sort of killed 3 of them. But don’t worry I still have 3 good ones left! Relax (he straps Wedge into the bed) this will be painless…most of the time….So tell me, why do you want to get rid of these bulbs? Wedge: Well…I want to watch the Dolphins play. They play the Bills. Its a big game. The Bills have won the last three games. They swept the Dolphins last year. This year, there sensational rookie, Sammy Watkins, was unstoppable. Watkins has 617 yards receiving this year. That is 19th in the NFL. Dr. MultiClaws: Okay, your Xammy Xattkens is now removed. Wedge: What, why did you do that? Dr. MultiClaws: You said you wanted it removed, didn’t you? Wedge: No! I was talking about Sammy Watkins – the wide receiver. I don;t even know what a Xammy Xattkens is? Dr. MultiClaws: That’s good, because you don’t have one anymore…moving on… Wedge: What I’m really worried about is the offensive line. The Dolphins lost Branden Albert for the year last week and this week we face a defensive line that has dominated our offensive line. Dr. MultiClaws: Okay, simple procedure, your Randentalbert won’t cause you any problems going forward. Wedge: What? I said Branden Albert doctor! Dr. MultiClaws: I spent 10 years in medical school in Uranus. I can;t tell you what a Branden Albert is. But I fixed your Randentalbert. So there is that… Wedge: Oh no…What did I get myself into. Anyway, the bottom line is we need to win. We have to score points against their defense. Did you know they are the 6th best scoring defense in the league. It might be a painful game for our offense. Dr. MultiClaws: Speaking of painful, you might find it a little painful to urinate for a few months. Wedge: What are you doing! Just remove my xoovey bulbs! Dr. MultiClaws: Xoovey bulbs? Is that all you came here for? That’s easy….well we improvised a bit but I think we can do that. AFTER THE SURGERY WEDGE RETURNS TO THE BARN TO WATCH THE GAME WITH PIGGY Wedge: (knocking on the front door) Piggy! Its me. Your old friend Wedge! Its game day! The Flying Pig: (opening the door) Wedge! Um…what happened to you? Wedge: Oh me? I had a little work done…but I’m ready for the game. Let’s Go Dolphins! The Flying Pig: Is that a brazilian butt implant on your forehead? Wedge: Maybe….who cares….Let’s watch the Game. Dolphins 35, Bills 3!
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