A FAMILY OF THREE SIT AT A TABLE BEFORE DINNER.  THE FAMILY IS MADE UP OF A FATHER, A TEENAGE DAUGHTER AND A TEENAGE SON.  THEY ARE ALL WEARING NEW YORK JETS JERSEYS

 

Daughter Jests:  Daddy, this feel bad

 

Papa Jests:  Daughter, your mother worked all day to make this meal for us…then we put her back in her cage in the basement…

 

Daughter Jests:   me knows but

 

Son Jests:  He our little brother

 

Papa Jests:  There aint no one for to stop eating for that!

 

Daughter Jests:   It’s gonna give me gas before I go hooking tonight

 

Papa Jests:  Shut Up!  All your smart big talky words.  Let me eat this human and drink this urine in peace.  Let’s say our prayer.

 

THEY ALL HOLD HANDS AND HOOKS AROUND THE TABLE 

 

Son Jests:  What it means to be green.  If you know what it like to pretend football season never started, you know what it means to be green.

 

Daughter Jests:   If you know that watching the jests play after a meal is a mistake, you know what it means to be green.

 

 

Papa Jests:  If you know what its like to chant for a convicted dog killer to replace your starting quarterback, you know what its like to be green

 

Son Jests:  If you spell you own team’s name wrong, you know what it means to be green.

 

 

Daughter Jests:   If you know what it likes to purchase season tickets with money you earned at your job in the bus station bathroom, you know what it means to be green.

 

Papa Jests:  If you know what its like to have the most embarrassing play of all time as one of your greatest highlights, you know what to means to be green.

 

 

Son Jests:  Daddy can we watch the performance on television while we feast?

 

Papa Jests:  Why not…its about time we get some use out of the flatscreen we stole from our neighbors!

 

Daughter Jests:   Is he performing tonight?

 

Son Jests:  I hope so (turning the television on) he is so dreamy

 

ON THE TELEVISION THERE IS A CONCERT PERFORMANCE.  THE STAGE IS EMPTY AT THE MOMENT 

 

Announcer:  And now, for the performance that every jests fan has waited for.  Please welcome to the stage, in his first performance since being released this morning, the hamster you all love….COLONPOKEY!

 

THE CROWD APPLAUDS

 

 

Colonpokey:  (walking up to the microphone raising his arms to welcome the applause) …You know its so great to be performing again….you know I’ve had a lot of tough times…I’ve bee through a lot…but I’m still here…my little hamster heart goes on….

 

A FLUTE BEGINS TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND.  THE MUSIC OF MY HEART GOES ON BEGINS TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND

 

Colonpokey:  (singing) oooooooooooh……(he raises a finger to his mouth) shhhhhhhhh

 

THE CROWD RECOGNIZES THE SONG AND APPLAUDS LOUDLY 

 

Colonpokey:  (singing)

Ev’ry night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance and anus between us
You have come to show you go on

I’m talking about you Geno Smith!

 

 

Colonpokey:  (singing)

 

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the hamster heart does go on
Michael Vick will not have your job because I’m your hero

 

Once more you open your shorts and you’re
Here in my little hamster heart and my little hamster heart will go on and on

 

 

Colonpokey:  (singing)

 

Poke can touch us one time and last for a
Lifetime and never let go till we’re gone
Poke, was when I pokied you, one true time
I had to, in my life we’ll always go on

 

 

Colonpokey:  (singing)
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the hamster heart does go on
Once more you open your shorts and you’re
Here in my little hamster heart and my little hamster heart will go on and on

 

 

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear, and I know
That my little hamster heart will go on. We’ll stay forever this way
You are safe in my little hamster heart and my little hamster heart will go on
And on

 

A TEAR FALLS FROM COLONPOKEY’S EYE AS HE PHOTO OF GENO SMITH IS SHOWN ON A SCREEN BEHIND HIM.  THE CROWD APPLAUDS.  COLONPOKEY BOWS

 

Colonpokey:  Dolphins 41 Jests 6