Mustachio Cuts, Player Profile: Caleb Sturgis


Entrare Dolphins Fans Entrare.  Are you eccitato about the Dolphins in 2015 like Mustachio?  How can you not be?   Mustachio svegliati at night thinking about the Dolphins in 2015.  Actually…Mustachio can’t sleep sometimes.


Mustachio thinks to himself.  What if the Dolphins lose games on field goals…

So today, Mustachio sets up a special appointment with Caleb Sturgis.  Mustachio hopes his razor is more steady around Sturgis neck than Strugis leg has been in football games.


Oh…here he is…sedersi Sturgis…Mustachio make a seat for you.  That is it , get confortevole in the chair.  Let Mustachio just get his scissors…MERDA!  Mustachio drops his scissors….Oh Caleb, imagine that…Its my big moment, Mustachio sit, Mustachio watch, Mustachio doesn’t get his hands dirty.  

Then its Muatchio’s turn – AND MUSTACHIO DROP THE SCISSORS.  Faniliare Strugis?


Why the face so triste Sturgis?

Now you worry Eh?  Now you worry Mustachio not cut so good Eh?  Don’t worry Caleb Sturgis…Mustachio cut well about 77.5% of the time.  

But the rest of the time….eh no guarantees okay…


Ascolta Strugis…Mustachio is rooting for you.  Musatchio thinks you are a nice kid.  Mustachio knows you are still young.  And Mustachio knows the pressione that kickers feel.  But fuoco Caleb…If the Dolphins are poised to get double digit wins and a few missed field goals are the difference – then Musatchio omicidio a kicker!  

Do not make Mustachio go to jail over the Dolphins Sturgis.  Do not cause the Dolphins to miss the playoffs.  Do a Buon Lavoro okay?


Mustachio cut your hair special today.  Mustachio give you the Simple Jack.  

When you hit 90% of your field goals, you come back, Mustachio give you a better cut.

Affanculo Sturgis, the future of the Dolphins may rest on your leg!

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116 Responses to Mustachio Cuts, Player Profile: Caleb Sturgis

  1. Brian in NY says:

    LMFAO @ the Simple Jack! I think there is a chance Sturgis gets beaten out by Franks. He injured his quad in a raucous game of kickball, and an injury during camp is usually the death of a kicker.

  2. olddolphan says:

    NICE WORK,PIGGY!! – – – Gotta agree with Brian’s analysis. Sturgis is barely acceptable when healthy. And he’s NOT healthy right now. Doo Hickey needs to keep scouring the available talent at this position and bring in a few challengers. This is especially important now that extra points will begin at the 15 yard line and the ball will be placed down near the 22 yard line, making extra points the equivalent of a 32 yard Field Goal.
    SEE you folks tomorrow for another episode of “FOLLOWING PERFECTION.”

  3. Mike E. says:

    Funny stuff Piggy! Hopefully there doesn’t come a point during the season where we hope Mustachio didn’t really cut Sturgis.

  4. son of a son of a shula says:

    Sturgis went to kick Mustachio in the nuts after this haircut and well – he missed.

  5. son of a son of a shula says:

    A contrite Haynesworth. Interesting stuff.

    And no Suh isn’t coming here to be some fat-ass nose tackle. Stupid Shanahannabanana.

  6. Mike E. says:

    That article is interesting, but it’s only his perspective, and I kind of wonder how much of what he says about what Shanahan told him is true. I think he’s making excuses for the way he just gave up.

    • son of a son of a shula says:

      That was the big story though and most people, including myself, were miffed that they went and spent so much on Haynesworth then asked him to play NT when he was a disruptive force as a DT.

  7. The Flying Pig says:

  8. son of a son of a shula says:

    Doesn’t he have kids of his own now?

  9. The Flying Pig says:

    I read a little more about it
    A few weeks ago an executive for the foundation Jared (from subway) started was arrested on child porn charges
    appearantly that guy already tried to kill himself while waiting for trial

    but they may be raiding Jared’s home find evidence for that trial
    in other words emails, etc… They may not suspect Jared from subway is a child pornogrpaher or has any

    it can easily be about the other case

  10. Tim Knight says:


  11. Mike E. says:

    LOL @ Son “hold the pickles”

  12. D says:

    This article make mah eyes rain!

  13. Tim Knight says:

    As for the article, Sturgis will reportedly be ready for TC, they shut him down in OTAs so he would be. No doubt he has to raise his game to another level though.

    • wyoming85 says:

      July 8-13 – Jason Taylor – $500
      July 10-17 – Dan Marino – $1,500
      July 15-2 – Mark Duper – $750
      July 20-27 – Larry Little – $1,000
      July 24-31 – Nat Moore – $500
      July 29-August 7 – Ryan Tannehill – $500
      December 7 – December 14 – Hall of Famers – $5,000

  14. wyoming85 says:

    Miami Dolphins Cheer ‏@MDCheer 29m29 minutes ago
    Pic of the Day: Rachel is excited to be back for another season on the field!

  15. Rhino says:

    lmao, piggy. great approach to put wind in the sails during the doldrums. 🙂

  16. Rhino says:

    regarding the subway-porn guy…. now we know what he was doing in his basement when he was so fat. I guess he decided to lose weight so he could one day hopefully star on “To Catch a Predator” lol

  17. stangerx says:

    Amanda Peterson died at 42. Name might ring a bell but pretty sure she did for you at one point.

  18. stangerx says:

    Pig — that was one funny piece on Sturgis by Mustachio, but tell him not to worry too much. Think the kid has the right stuff. Still admire how as a rook he handled the freeze out when he was competing with Carpenter.

    • Tim Knight says:

      Rizzi says he works his ass off and is always trying to get better. He’s always at the facility.

    • D says:

      I feel he will wind up being a good kicker for us. He was a good kicker in college and i know there are some mental adjustments sometimes to kicking at a NFL level, but the mechanics and ability is one of the most transferable skills so i think he just trying to get his nerve back. He does have to pull up his big girl panties and get that going though because you cant have field goals be such a weakness, it can lose you games.

      • Tim Knight says:

        Missing FGs can lose you games and I really hope we’re not in too many games where we need to win by one. Let’s kick some ass already! LOL

  19. Tim Knight says:

    Stanger, I don’t recall that movie. Maybe I caught it surfing once but other than that I don’t think so.

    • D says:

      Premise is that a guy who is basically an outcast kinda kid, nerdy, not socially accepted, wants to be popular so when a really popular cheerleader winds up in a bind after destroying her mothers expensive clothing, he offers to pay for a replacement in return for her pretending to be his GF so he can become popular. It was like a lot of 80’s movies with similar themes. She was the Cheerleader. You woulds been early 20’s when it came out and it was definitely a movie aimed at teenagers.

      • Tim Knight says:

        Yeah it seems just like one of those typical 80s movies. I remember Patrick Dempsey in Loverboy but not that movie.

      • stangerx says:

        It was the classic nerdy guy actually can get the hot chick fantasy flick, but it was a good one. And she gave you hope that maybe it actually could happen.

  20. Tim Knight says:

    Exactly what kind of rules should there be that would need to persuade you from setting fireworks off on your heard? WTF? SMH

    • Tim Knight says:

      Head LOL

    • Brian in NY says:

      I read that it was an accident, that he was doing it because he was trying to make everyone laugh. He didn’t intend to light it, according to the statement from his brother.

      • Tim Knight says:

        Yeah I saw that but how do you accidentally light a mortar especially with it on your head?

        His mother is making comments that the rules with fireworks are too lax. You start by not putting it on your head and flicking a lighter I guess. Oy!

  21. Brian in NY says:

    stangerx says:
    July 7, 2015 at 11:47 am
    Maybe you never saw Can’t Buy Me Love. Know I had a crush on her.
    As did I my friend.

  22. Brian in NY says:

    Agreed on the “not putting fireworks on your head” advice. My guess is he got the lighter closer than he intended. It’s a pretty sad story; his brother watched him die five feet away. I couldn’t imagine that.

  23. The Flying Pig says:

    I hope they added a few extra years to that guys sentence for eating bacon

  24. Jahndoh30 says:

    Good stuff Piggy!

  25. Rockphin says:

    I came across this in an article on the SS about Jennings and thought to myself this is too good of fodder for the Philben haters to let it pass. (even though I am Anti-hater)

    “He gave me a few phone calls, a few text messages,” Jennings said, laughing, “but you know I’ve always been quite fond of coach Philbin … forget the coaching, just as a man, as a human being.”

  26. Rockphin says:

    My only question is: If I win one can I do anything I want with it? (thinking along the lines of re-sale, you sickos)

  27. Tim Knight says:

    Rock, yes it’s bowling for kids. Once you win one you can put them in a catapult and shoot them all over town. I think that would be more fun than bowling for them.

    • Rockphin says:

      Slow day, even Jennings saying about Philben “Forget the coaching” didn’t get a response…..

  28. Rockphin says:

    gum wrapper…..

  29. Rockphin says:


    Alex, what is “because Ross bought 66 tickets to the game this year”?

  30. The Flying Pig says:

    You guys are so cynical
    its not the kids they win
    its their organs
    …so you can sell them on the black market

    you can make a lot of money that way
    that is much better prize than some stupid trophy

  31. Rockphin says:


  32. stangerx says:

    Forbes on the 33rd highest paid actor, athlete, writer, musician, radio or TV host in our country. A sign the end is near.
    Kim Kardashian has monetized fame better than any other. The reality star made more this year than ever as her earnings nearly doubled to $53 million from 2014’s $28 million. The former stylist to Paris Hilton owes nearly half her paycheck to her newly-released iPhone and tablet game Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, in which players are invited to create their own celebrity. Kardashian, who has 33 million Twitter followers and 37 million Instagram followers, still appears on her family’s two reality shows “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” and “Khloe & Kourtney Take The Hamptons.”

  33. Tim Knight says:

    Catapulting kids across town is how you get the headless children trying on hats.

  34. D says:

    Tim Knight says:
    July 7, 2015 at 12:44 pm
    Exactly what kind of rules should there be that would need to persuade you from setting fireworks off on your heard? WTF? SMH
    Fucked up part was it was second such accident in less than a week from one another. On 29th of June another dude in Michigan dies doing same thing.

    That town the guy in Maine is from is where one of the hospitals my company provides hospital and radiology software service to is located. Actually had a conference call with the administration of that hospital yesterday.

  35. D says:

    Insult to injury, JPP now being investigated for having illegal fireworks. Its a wrist slapping offense TBH but technically Florida does not permit use of any fireworks that explode or launch in the air, which of course is 85% of all fireworks lol.

    • Rockphin says:

      unless you sign a waiver saying they are for farm use (or 2-3 other approved uses) it is so funny standing in line at the fireworks stand buy 4″ mortars with 100’s of other “farmers” in the middle of the city….

  36. Rockphin says:

    Tim Knight says:
    July 7, 2015 at 4:22 pm
    Did and failed to death. Rock with tell ya, he was there for both of them.

    I don’t get this……..I’m still trying to figure out if there was some sort of “shot” taken……..Oh, well ce la vie

    • Tim Knight says:

      No I’m being completely silly being that you were saying silly things and slow day. LOL

      • Rockphin says:

        Ok, if it were a shot I would enjoy it if I understood it. LOL I can appreciate a good “burn” on me, If I understand it. Nothing to understand here though. Just random silliness.. 🙂

  37. D says:

    Yesterday afternoon my wife tells me that she was at the eye Dr and a Pakistani or Indian man approached her telling her how beautiful our little 2 year old daughter was, and how she was so beautiful we should enter her in pageants, etc. She thanked him and told him that was really nice of him to say, etc.

    So the guy goes off and talks to one of the people at the Dr’s office but as he loops back around to leave he stops back by. He then tells my wife, that his grandson would be perfect match for her, and “if you can hold on to her until 18”, he would be willing to put a 2 million dollar down payment on rights for her to marry the grandson.

    My wife said she was so shocked she wasn’t totally sure she had actually hear him correctly until our older daughter confirmed it with her on bewilderment at the statement, lol. She said the guy didn’t even really stick around to get an answer he just went about his business and left like he would get back to her later lol. Crazy shit, my wife said she was both completely shock and pretty unnerved by it at the same time.

    • The Flying Pig says:

      that is messed up!
      what a weirdo

      • Tim Knight says:

        I’ve also found that some foreign people have a weird sense of humor for us Americans and likely vice versa. Like I don’t think many people from other countries get the whole calling each other fuckface. LOL

    • stangerx says:

      That is bizarre. Probably as much as the guy that offered. But take him up on it. Maybe your daughter goes for the grandson at 18. And even if not……the contract would be absolutely unenforceable in court. And think that would include returning the down payment. 🙂

  38. The Flying Pig says:

    every firework that went off when I was in Long Beach this weekend was illegal
    the police just looked the other way

    I grew up in FLA and we had looser laws to NY for fireworks
    things like bottle rockets and roman candles and M80s were illegal
    but people still had them
    but I don;t rememeber anyone lighting them right in front of the police

    when I was in Long Beach, not one got in trouble for fireworks

    • Tim Knight says:

      The cops have stopped trying down by LBI because there aren’t enough of them to cover all the areas.

  39. The Flying Pig says:


    you should have counter-offered

    “My dog with sniff your ass for $1000”

  40. D says:

    Guy in Maine, was a 22 year old and was pretty drunk, said that he was the kinda dude that just wants to illicit laughs out of people all the time and he was suggesting doing it, they THOUGHT they had talked sense of not doing it into him, then BOOM. Sad part of the story to me that the person that ran over and discovered how bad it was, was his brother, and his exact words was, “There was no rushing him to the hospital. There was no Devon left when I got there,” That’s had to be horrific.

    • Tim Knight says:

      Yeah horrible story. But this story is about being irresponsible with fireworks, not lax fireworks laws. You can’t fuck around with these things, they’re fucking bombs. My brother-in-law lights them off but I go nowhere near where they’re being lit, just not into being maimed or killed by one that isn’t right.

      With that said, where they lit them off and where people were standing this year, if a bad one had gone off it could have been bad for someone.

  41. Al in MIA says:

    Forget humans, just thank goodness you aren’t an injured bird in China during the new year LOL

  42. D says:

    In the realm of former college teammates having their buddies back even when they shouldnt…….

    • Tim Knight says:

      Even if he’s right he should just stay mum on it. He’s not going to change anything with a tweet.

      • The Flying Pig says:

        he deleted his tweets though…lol

      • D says:

        The full video shows Johnson to be whats looking like macking up on her and then he kinda starts pushing on her, i cant tell but maybe he grabbed her or something. She then turns around and start talking to him and you can see from their facial expressions she isnt having any of it and he is talking shit to her, apparently pisses her off and then she takes a swing.

        To me it looked like he started it and ended it. So i really cant fault her in any way shape or form because im betting money she said something pretty offensive for her to think it was worth it to swing at him. Im sure the dialogue at some point comes back but regardless he’s a douchebag, FSU did the right thing by dismissing him. That punch was flipping brutal man, her head turned at least 120 degrees from the force of that hit and just the follow through from the hit was strong enough to knock shit over on the bar.

    • The Flying Pig says:

      I’m so glad FSU dismissed him

      Ronald Darby is an idiot for suggesting that deandre johnson was provoked into hitting a woman

  43. son of a son of a shula says:

    I’m painting with the official Dolphin’s aqua, or teal or whatever it is, mixed at home depot. First coat was streaky and non-impressive but the second coat and – Boom – Dolphins. I got it as a semi-gloss and it looks good. I need to get some of the orange now to mix in.

  44. son of a son of a shula says:

    D, that’s some whacked out stuff man, but you should do what Stanger said, lol.

  45. D says:

    I shoot my own fireworks off on 4th and new years, but i run the fuck away. Some will stand nearby but i get as far away as i cant before it launches. I have had a few of them fire off in unintended directions and trust me its some scary shit when they do. Had a little fucking spinner one time called a lady bug, about the size of a cookie took off and since i didn’t know it would fly up that high hit a telephone wire and then pathed directly back at me and if i hadn’t been running away already that shit would caught my ass lol. My family still laughs about it because they said they have never seen me move so fast before or since lol, but yeah those things can be dangerous and its foolish to tempt fate by doing something like putting one of them on your head or letting it go off in your hand.

  46. Mike E. says:

    I once got a sparkler spark on my hand. It was very dangerous and scary.

  47. Mike E. says:


    What are you painting?

  48. son of a son of a shula says:

    Last year I put the back porch in and the last part was to replace the windows from our bedroom with a door. I just finished and was repurposing a window frame I made that instead of glass has a mirror so I said I’ll paint it a Dolphins color and hang it out there. So I’m doing that but now the new door trim has it and I’m putting it in more places too so I need to mix in some orange and white.

    • Mike E. says:

      Awesome man! I’ve considered painting a portion of the basement Dolphins colors. My younger son’s room is all Dolphins colors, the darker teal from a few years ago, orange, white and navy. I would do the newer teal though for the basement.

      • son of a son of a shula says:

        I have 18 feet of unfinished lower cabinets on the same wall that I think is getting a Son painted shitty looking Dolphin logo with stripes to each end!

      • Mike E. says:

        I’m sure you’ll do a great job.

  49. The Flying Pig says:

    Anyone going to see Simple Jack this summer

  50. wyoming85 says:

    Miami Dolphins ‏@MiamiDolphins · 2h2 hours ago
    “I just want to win games.”


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