The Porcine Oddyssey #98: Dolphins @ Jaguars, 10 Things you didn’t know about the Jacksonville Jaguars REPORKED

PiggyFlashback

Today is a great day in American History.  We should all be celebrating the strides we have made in terms of Civil  Rights as a country.

But That doesn’t mean we can’t laugh and the absurdity of political correctness.

What better way to do that but to REPORK an Oddysey that looks back to a time when people were offended by the acts of a mascot.

Should we have an expectation that a stuffed giant stuffed jaguar be a diplomat too?

Nope!  And what better way to exploit that then to make an Oddyssey where the NFL mascots take part in the most perverse acts.

*******************************************************************

JAXSON DE VILLE. THE MASCOT FOR THE JAGUARS STANDS IN FRONT OF A PODIUM IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE OF MASCOTS.  THERE ARE TEARS IN HIS EYES

Jaxson De Ville:  What I did was wrong (wiping a tear from his eyes).  I take full responsibility for my actions.  The Ebola joke was in poor taste.

NFL: Pittsburgh Steelers at Jacksonville Jaguars

Jaxson De Ville:  What I did does not represent the character and integrity of my position as mascot.  People look up to me.  They expect me to dance poorly after touchdowns and nod my oversized head up and down cheering for a winless team like I am oblivious to how much my team sucks…instead of giving them something to be proud of, I made a bad joke.  (He cries a little louder)  I just thought that no one would take a me seriously because I have  permanent smile and a tshirt with a paw on it…I mean Jaguars don’t stand on their hind legs and root for a football in real life…how stupid are these fucking humans to tell me something is not funny…Look how huge my head is!  Its ridiculous!  That’s funny!

Miles Thunder II (Broncos Mascot):  Now Jaxson (placing a hoof on his shoulder) Remember why you are here…

Jaxson De Ville:  I’m sorry guys…what I meant to say is I regret it.  The Ebola joke was not funny.  And I cannot be the mascot representative going forward.  You will have to find a new representative, someone with a clean record.

Miles Thunder II:  Its okay buddy (hugging Jaxson) we’ve all been there.  I myself have a transgression or two.  I thought it was funny to make fun of contagious diseases.  And even if its not to humans – well can’t a mascot do it?  No one takes a mascots seriously.  Everyone thought it was funny when I used to waive around the toilet seat that said “herpes” on it during the 70’s, but when I waived around the box of condoms that read “Kardashian” – well that was going too far I guess.  People just don’t think disease is funny anymore (he shrugs)

Jaxson De Ville:  I’m just so disappointed in myself.  I was ready to go to the owner’s meetings as your mascot representative and demand higher wages and shared showered with the cheerleaders…but I embarrassed all of us as mascots.

Big Red (Cardinals Mascot): It happens to the best of is Jaxson.  I remember my low point.  I was doing the worm in front of 60,000 fans.  They loved it.  All of them cheering.  We were getting our ass kicked by the 49ers 42-0.  What else were they going to watch?

Jaxson De Ville:  There is no better time for breakdancing then when you are losing 42-0.  It’s a scientific fact!

Big Red:  I know!!!  Everything was fine, then I realized…I pulled my groin mid-worm…I grabbed my groin because it hurt.  But you know the show must go on! So I hit the ground again, holding my groin while doing the worm…

Miles Thunder II:  The show must go on!

Big Red:  Problem is…everyone just thought I was masturbating in prone position.  I can’t imagine what it looked like as I held my groin thrusting at the floor… they started to boo loudly.  It got ugly.  it was free golf ball night and I got hit by about 400 golf balls until I ran off the field into the locker room.

Bigred

Jaxson De Ville:  That is horrible, but it was a mistake.

Big Red:  The General manager confronted me about it after the game.  I could not admit that I hurt myself doing the worm… a mascot’s gotta be able to breakdance right?  So I told them the urge just came over me while watching the cheerleaders…oddly enough the general manager accepted the explanation and fined me for the act.  But I never lived it down.  The cheerleaders scowl at me during games now and mothers don’t let their children speak to me.  Last week Larry Fitzgerald punched me in the face for no reason.  He just punched me!  (He collapses and cries)

Raider Rusher (Raider Mascot):  In Oakland you can masturbate in front of the fans if you want…I do that every few weeks without a hassle….But  you can’t make a little side money after the game selling molly to kids…so needless to say I can’t be the representative…and that is all I am saying about that, per my lawyer’s instructions…

Roary (Lions Mascot):  Those judgmental bastards!  I thought  I was the only one who got fined for that!  Can you believe it’s twice the fine for meth!

PeddlingRoary

Miles Thunder II:  I think we might be getting a little off topic here…

Rowdy (Cowboys Mascot):  Drugs (letting out a sarcastic laugh) you think humans judge harshly for that?…trying seeing their reaction after you get caught selling human organs on the black market

Who Dey (Bengals Mascot):  You thing that is bad.  I used to work for tender vittles.  You should see the shit they put in cat food.

Rowdy:  I knew you looked familiar!  I think I sold you some organs once!

Rampage (Rams Macot):  I dropped out of the 2nd grade (standing up and awkwardly admitting his secret)

Chomps (Browns Mascot):  Dude  (Tapping Rampage on the shoulder) I can’t even go within 100 feet of a school…

Chomps

Billy Buffalo (Bills Mascot):  I used to suck dick for crack money…(he stands up)  And I loved it!  I loved it!!!

Miles Thunder II:  GUYS!!! Stop!  We are here to find a representative for all of the mascots.  Someone with a clean record.  Someone that humans will trust as the face of mascots.  Who here can say that about themselves?

IT’S AWKWARDLY SILENT

Staley Da Bear (Bear Mascot):  I have a clean record

Viktor Ragnar (Vikings Mascot):  Me too!

STALEY DA BEAR TAKES OUT A KNIFE AND STABS VIKTOR RAGNAR 

Staley Da Bear:  Don’t interrupt me!!!  My Mother used to interrupt me!!!

ViktorStabbed

Miles Thunder II:  um…we might go in a different direction (he steps over the bleeding Vikings mascot who is dying on the floor)  hey…how bout you Pat Patriot?  You are from a respectable franchise, I don’t know any dirt about you…how bout it?

Pat Patriot (Patriots Mascot): Well there is that video thing…

Miles Thunder II:  What…Spygate???  No one cares about that anymore…

Pat Patriot:  No, not Spygate.  I make snuff fuzzy movies and sell them…it’s not a big deal…I kill of NHL Mascots and film it…no one cares about NHL Mascots right?

MacotSnuffMovie

Miles Thunder II:  eh…anyone else?

Toro (Texans Mascot):  You know…I bet no one even notices I’m a hermaphrodite…

Swoop (Eagles Mascot):  Does the job involve Tuesdays or Thursdays? (whispering)  Tuesdays and Thursday are my garter wearing days…and its impossible for people to hear me when I’m wearing panties on my face.

Miles Thunder II:  (placing his hooves over his face in disappointment)  Surely there must be one of us.  He looks at T-Rac, the Titans Mascot)

T-Rac:  Don’t look at me I got rabies…and what the fuck are the Titans doing with a raccoon as a mascot anyway…

t-rac225

Miles Thunder II:  Its over for us I guess

SUDDENLY THE DOORS OPEN AND T.D., THE DOLPHINS MASCOT, WALKS IN THE ROOM

T.D.:  Hey guys, sorry I’m late.  On the way I passed a burning school and I had to stop to save all the kids inside.  (He wipes sweat from his brow)  Man…you won’t believe how hard it is to carry 238 kids out of a burning building.   I am wiped out, especially after volunteering all day at the hospital…you know you cure one terminal patient, and you have to cure 20…you know how it goes…

Jaxson De Ville:  T.D., you seem like a pretty clean cut mascot…

T.D.:  Clean cut?  Oh, I don’t; know about that.  I’m trying to cut down on my sugar.  Its bad for you.

Blue (Colts Mascot):   No!, bad for you is melting spiders so you can shoot them intravenously!

Boltman (Chargers Mascot):  or cutting yourself using power tools!

Miles Thunder II:  (nudging Blue and Boltman away)  Um…be quiet guys…so T.D. You seem like a nice guy.

T.D.:  Nice…yeah, I guess so…but my wife…there is a saint…without her, I would be in a lot of trouble…hey did I ever show you guys a photo of my wife and kids?

TheTd Family

Jaxson De Ville:  Oh…what a beautiful family

Miles Thunder II:  yes…a perfect family…(to Jaxson) they will love him…(to T.D.) Hey T.D. what do you think about being the Mascot Representative?

T.D.:  Does it involve profanity?  Because I won’t have any part of anything that involves profanity.

Miles Thunder II:  No…eh…it does not involve profanity as far as I know

Sir Purr (Panthers Mascot):  The Fuck it doesn’t!!!

Jaxson De Ville:  Not now Sir Purr!

Sir Purr:  Sorry (ashamed)  mild tourettes….

Miles Thunder II:  (pointing T.D. out to all the other mascots) He’s perfect!  We have our perfect mascot right here!

T.D.:  I guess I can be the Mascot Representative…if it will make the world a better place

Pat Patriot: Hey, we can’t use T.D. , the Dolphins are a .500 team

Rowdy:  Yeah…no one wants a mascot from an average team!

ALL THE OTHER MASCOTS NOD IN AGREEMENT

Miles Thunder II:  Oh Fuck it….Let’s just go with the guy who used to suck dick for crack money

AFTER THAT DAY, THE MASCOTS OF THE NFL WOULD REMAIN UNDERPAID, UNAPPRECIATED AND UNABLE TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT DISEASES

T.D.:  Dolphins 38, Jacksonville 3…For the Mascots!!!

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121 Responses to The Porcine Oddyssey #98: Dolphins @ Jaguars, 10 Things you didn’t know about the Jacksonville Jaguars REPORKED

  1. herdfan says:

    Piggy….I tried to open the comments for this but couldn’t. Copied it over to a new post to save time.

  2. wyoming85 says:

    Adam Schefter ‏@AdamSchefter 2h2 hours ago
    Carson Palmer vs. Cam Newton in NFC Championship game is 1st time any Heisman Trophy-winning QBs square off in NFL postseason history.

  3. Ken says:

    Very dismayed by playoffs. I am just afraid Pats have another clear path to SB. I just don’t see Broncos beating Pats. Peyton just looks old right now. Yes he won yesterday but he looked like a shell of his former self. Steelers were too beat up to win and I think either of those 2 were incapable of beating Pats right now. My only hope is an SB win by the Panthers vs. Pats. I do think Panthers can play with the Pats. I am not so sure the Cardinals can.

  4. Mike E. says:

    I think Arizona just played a bad game against GB, and they still won. Palmer was pretty awful, and even more surprising was how bad David Johnson was. That guy was like all world the for about 6 weeks, so I have no idea what happened with him. I don’t think we should underestimate the Cardinals. I don’t think the Broncos will beat NE, but I definitely think the winner of the CAR vs ARZ game can for sure, as long as they don’t get injury depleted while winning.

  5. herdfan says:

    Something still isn’t working correctly with the comments. I just signed in from work, it took me to the version Piggy posted and no way to comment there. Plus, I changed that one back to a draft, so I don’t know why it’s showing up. I didn’t want to delete it because I didn’t know if that would mess something up in the space/time continuum.($10 word perhaps?)

  6. Mike E. says:

    I didn’t have any problem, I ended up here from the start

  7. The Flying Pig says:

    Herd

    Thanks for cutting pasting the blog

    I did. It have any issues getting to the comments just now

  8. wyoming85 says:

    Rob Proffitt ‏@BreakinDownFilm 18h18 hours ago
    Luke Kuechly yelling at the #Panthers staff to get Cortland Finnegan off of the field. 😂😂

    • getterdone says:

      I saw that on another tweet last nite, but not sure that’s what was really going on. Neither showed a wider angle view of what he was really pointing to.
      Did anyone interview Luke and ask him?

  9. getterdone says:

    Happy MLK day.
    MLK = Miami Losing Kontinually

  10. Mike E. says:

    MLK = Magnificent Luke Kuechly?

  11. getterdone says:

    Ross and his wife Kara are hosting a fundraising event for failed candidate Jeb Bush on Jan. 25 at their home in Palm Beach….LOL. More waste of money. Gee Ross, send me a nice check. I could do a lot more good with it than the Bush gang! SMH

  12. Tim Knight says:

    Man the official website is really slow with updating our new coaches. They still have coaches who are no longer here listed.

  13. herdfan says:

    Maybe the website person quit in frustration.

  14. wyoming85 says:

    Miami Dolphins Cheer ‏@MDCheer 2h2 hours ago
    Find out tomorrow who the next cheerleader of the week will be on http://dolphinscheerleaders.com

  15. Mike E. says:

    Wyo is much better at updating our cheerleaders than the official website is at updating our staff. Props to Wyo!

  16. sb7mvp says:

    I’m off for MILK day and I’ve gotten a lot accomplished. I’ve managed to tick off both daughters and my wife.

  17. wyoming85 says:

    Adam Schefter ‏@AdamSchefter 40s40 seconds ago
    Eagles officially announced hiring of Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson as team’s new head coach.

  18. herdfan says:

    I’m not off work but wish I was. Was told this morning I needed to get our pension transfer arranged at the bank…TODAY! Explained that’s not possible TODAY because the banks are closed. It didn’t seem to sit well with them. I guess I’m supposed to break in.

  19. Mike E. says:

    http://www.twitch.tv/bobross

    Relaxing stuff for MLK day.

  20. getterdone says:

    Adam Schefter ‏@AdamSchefter 40s40 seconds ago
    Eagles officially announced hiring of Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson as team’s new head coach.
    Reply

  21. The Flying Pig says:

    Shark news

  22. Al in MIA says:

    What’s the latest in Dolphins land?

  23. Al in MIA says:

    It’s EAST-WEST shrine week 🙂
    Let’s talk about the prospects.
    Herd should be happy about watching Davon Johnson on Saturday

  24. Al in MIA says:

    GDP,
    I’ll be keeping a close on eye on DE Ronald Blair.

  25. getterdone says:

    Al, I believe Blair is hurt and won’t play in the EW game.

  26. getterdone says:

    Al, keep an eye on Colorado’s OT Stephan Nembot. He’s played both T spots is 6’7 300 & a likely mid rounds pick. Could be a nice contingency to groom for Albert leaving after another year or getting hurt again.

  27. finfanrob says:

    no idea where this is or what the weather is but damn is it hot

  28. Tim Knight says:

    Not very busy here today.

  29. Mike E. says:

    Rob

    Damn is right! She is ON FIRE!

  30. herdfan says:

    Al in MIA says:
    January 18, 2016 at 1:44 pm (Edit)
    It’s EAST-WEST shrine week 🙂
    Let’s talk about the prospects.
    Herd should be happy about watching Davon Johnson on Saturday

    Rockhead!!!

  31. finfanrob says:

    mike yep she is.

    you will appreciate this. i had the mike e’s last night. no idea what caused it but woke up made it to the bathroom barely in time. even passed out on the bathroom floor to wake up to a mess of bloody goop

  32. Tim Knight says:

    Herd, who is the big Marshall prospect this year?

  33. Mike E. says:

    Rob

    Serious? WTF? That’s worse than what I had for sure. My goodness! Are you OK now? I’m still not feeling 100%, and I’m leery of eating anything heavy.

  34. Tim Knight says:

    Interesting about new DC Vance Joseph, he’s coached DBs under Mike Nolan in SF and Wade Phillips in HOU and more recently under Paul Guenther in CIN. What’s interesting about it you ask? Both Nolan and Phillips prefer 3-4 defenses and Guenther ran Zimmer’s 4-3 scheme which is what Coyle ran. What does VJ run? I hope a little bit of both. I think you have to use more defensive matchups today then worrying about what base scheme you run.

  35. Ken says:

    Not sure why but I feel like watching the weather in Spanish all of a sudden

  36. Al in MIA says:

    lol Ken …if only you had the TV on in Mexico 🙂

  37. Al in MIA says:

    Herd,

  38. Al in MIA says:

    We could use some familiar faces around SunLife …..

  39. Rockphin says:

    finfanrob says:
    January 18, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    no idea where this is or what the weather is but damn is it hot

    Without even reading the writing in the background I could tell you it was a Spanish channel. They always have the hottest girls on their shows. (doesn’t matter, news, variety, etc)

    Also, anyone else ever notice the colors are brighter on the spanish channels? Like Technicolor!.

  40. getterdone says:

    Al, sadly I don’t see any of the Herd prospects getting drafted this go around.

  41. getterdone says:

    Btw Rockhead may be best suited as a FB. I wonder if Gase has any plans for using a FB at times in his system?
    I like the way GB uses Kuhn.

  42. getterdone says:

    Matt Hasselbeck 1h
    Just said goodbye to Coach Clyde Christensen.. one of the finest coaches & men I’ve ever known.

    • Tim Knight says:

      He seems to be a really good hire by Gase to be his offensive asst. – Christensen has a lot of experience around good offenses and great QBs including the great Peyton Manning and the up and coming gunslinger in Andrew Luck. Gase has learned from Peyton as well. This should not be viewed as “oh they just coached a great QB”, it’s all about learning what works and how to beat the opposing defenses. We have game planners, QB guys and play callers. Let’s see if it changes for us. It fucking better!!! Sub par is getting old. LOL

      • getterdone says:

        Pretty much the way I look at it. Of course a guy like Gase or CC didn’t rework Peyton’s mechanics, but QB’s are always learning, as do coaches, it’s called a give and take relationship.
        Maybe he helped Peyton with some footwork issues, and reads, etc.
        They both work together on how best to attack an opponent find their weaknesses, and what best skill does the QB have in certain situations that can get that done.

  43. Meg Shaw says:

    The Wife just told me Glenn Fry died.
    I dont know if she saw it on the news or one of those Facebook hoaxes?

  44. finfanrob says:

    mike/tim

    no idea what it was all about. i finally got back in bed then when i saw the mess this morning realized i was barfing blood too. but whatever it is basically gone. i am not sick or anything any more just a git of a headache and a bit loopy. but some would say i am always that, a headache and loopy

  45. Meg Shaw says:

    Sam Madison
    Thats who I couldnt think of the other day…
    Him and Patrick Surtain

  46. getterdone says:

    Glenn Frey, a founding member of the Eagles, died at age 67 on Monday in New York City, the band’s website has announced.

    “Glenn fought a courageous battle for the past several weeks but, sadly, succumbed to complications from rheumatoid arthritis, acute ulcerative colitis and pneumonia,” the Eagles’ website stated.

    Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic inflammatory disorder that usually affects joints in the hands and feet, and ulcerative colitis affects a person’s digestive tract and can be life threatening, according to mayoclinic.org.

    Frey was the lead singer and played guitar, among other instruments, for the Eagles, known for hits such as “Take It Easy,” “Already Gone” and “Hotel California.”

    “Words can neither describe our sorrow, nor our love and respect for all that he has given to us, his family, the music community and millions of fans worldwide,” the website stated.

    • Tim Knight says:

      Ugh… as mortality sinks in once again. RIP Glenn

      • getterdone says:

        Yes, it’s freaking me out. I’m losing all my childhood, young buck musicians that inspired me over the years. That could only mean we are not that far behind…

  47. Tim Knight says:

    GD, though Gase is untested as a HC he does seem to have a rapport with QBs as does Christensen. That can only be a good thing. New fresh approaches for Tannehill to absorb. Both coaches will have watched his tape and see pros and cons in his game. How to get better?

  48. Try Pod says:

    RIP Glenn Frey. A Heartache Tonight, indeed.

  49. son of a son of a shula says:

    I don’t have a Peaceful Easy Feeling right now. Totally bummed out with this one.

    On the last album he left us with “it’s your world now”

    • Tim Knight says:

      The best way to think about people like Frey and Bowie etc. is they left a legacy of something that is always alive. Not like sports peeps who made great plays. They’re there but kind of static now. Music lives on. It can be played again.

  50. son of a son of a shula says:

  51. getterdone says:

    If any of you have Netflix, watch ‘The History of the Eagles’ documentary from 2013.
    It’s really awesome, also shows how the band literally saved Joe Walsh’s life. Was a cool insight to this group of talented musicians and the music they made & they lives they lived, both good & the bad.

  52. wyoming85 says:

    Coach swapping?

    Adam Schefter ‏@AdamSchefter 37m37 minutes ago
    Bengals hired former Dolphins OC Bill Lazor as quarterbacks coach and former Dolphins DC Kevin Coyle as defensive backs coach.

  53. Mike E. says:

    RIP Glenn Frey. Sad stuff man. Music industry and world in general taking a big hit this past couple of weeks.

  54. Mike E. says:

    Herd

    Lazor was such a fuckface, he can only improve from what he did here.

  55. getterdone says:

    I believe we play the Bengals next year. So maybe we can help their demise a lil!

    Go Phins!

  56. wyoming85 says:

    ProFootballTalk ‏@ProFootballTalk 5h5 hours ago
    Broncos LB Brandon Marshall on why it’s so hard to cover Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski: “Because he pushes off.”

  57. Mike E. says:

    So . . . Our HC is now an O-line coach, our OC is now a QB’s coach, and our DC is a DB’s coach.
    What does that tell you?

  58. son of a son of a shula says:

    What does that tell you?

    That Ross needs ME as a consultant

  59. wyoming85 says:

    Ryan Dukarm ‏@DBRyan_Dukarm 4m4 minutes ago
    *NEW* video @draftbreakdown Senior Bowl invite Joe Haeg (OT, NDSU) vs Jacksonville State http://draftbreakdown.com/video/joe-haeg-vs-jacksonville-state-2015/

  60. finfanrob says:

    getterdone says:
    January 18, 2016 at 7:50 pm

    He did in the game vs the Chiefs for a TD, the Db was like c’mon ref???

    yep, it was on the opening drive and could not be more flagrant. it is basically why i quit watching the game. i had seen that game before

  61. son of a son of a shula says:

    I for one am Fede up with small school guys not working out.

  62. finfanrob says:

    son of a son of a shula says:
    January 18, 2016 at 7:55 pm

    What does that tell you?

    That Ross needs ME as a consultant

    why are there other 100mil defense tackles that can make the defense even worse available

  63. finfanrob says:

    just saw this on Cops. i guess my weekend plans are to go break the law in jacksonville

  64. finfanrob says:

    son of a son of a shula says:
    January 18, 2016 at 8:20 pm

    no but maybe a CB

    great, you will find the fins a cb that cost 60 mil then we can watch him give up 49 tds and 5000 yards on defense

  65. Mike E. says:

    Rob

    You go break the law, I’m going to Mexico to get a temp job as a weatherperson dressing room assistant

  66. getterdone says:

    FFR, maybe you can go crap at a Macy’s dressing room in Jax. You may get to meet her then.

  67. finfanrob says:

    ‘ get a temp job as a weatherperson dressing room assistant’

    mike

    something tells me you are going to end up arrested just like me.

  68. son of a son of a shula says:

    ffr that episode is probably 15 years old

  69. finfanrob says:

    getter

    i leave things like that for the more classier bloggers.

  70. finfanrob says:

    son

    isnt every episode of Cops

  71. Just read the main piece of this thread, FUNNY-STUFFF HERD !!! U photoshop it yourself??
    SERIOUSLY. Why DO the Titans have a racoon mascot, black-eye to the league??

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