PORKLOGUE: So two straight overtime losses. I’m sure everyone enjoyed their week as much as I did. Arghhhhhhhhhhhh! But seriously life goes on and here we are ready for a game against the Bengals who have some real injury issues in their secondary. Maybe we can steal a win and Tanny will have another big day passing the ball.
On a separate note, I want to dedicate this edition of the Porcine Odyssey to our buddy Jetssuck. Hopefully a couple of laughs will help you get through your recovery!
PIGGY, PSYCHIC GPS AND WEDGE THE ALIEN ARE ALL INSIDE OF WEDGE’S UFO FLYING TO CINCINATTI. WEDGE IS FLYING THE UFO
Psychic GPS: What did you think of your first football game Wedge?
Wedge: It was incredible. Oh and I am sorry I wasn’t able to honor your customs…
Psychic GPS: What do you mean?
Wedge: Buying your drinks all game. Piggy said it was customary on Earth for the newcomer to buy all the drinks. I tried to buy the drinks but they would not break my vox cubes. I don’t know why they don’t honor the galactic currency inArizona. Thanks again for loaning me your “dollars”, as you call them..
Psychic GPS: (to piggy) nice going Piggy, take advantage of the alien…I’m disappointed in you
The Flying Pig: Oh please, just having a little fun with him….Hey Wedge, do you have a bathroom in this spaceship
Wedge: Yeah. It’s the last door on the left.
PIGGY WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM AND TRIES TO SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND HIM BUT ACCIDENTLY LEAVES IT A LITTLE AJAR. PSYCHIC GPS NOTICES THE DOOR IS OPEN AND THEN NOTICES THAT PIGGY IS ACTING ODD.
Psychic GPS: Piggy? (walking to the bathroom door)
The Flying Pig: (in a muffled voice) just a minute…
Psychic GPS: Piggy? (opening the door wider to see inside) Piggy! Get hat gun out of your mouth
The Flying Pig: I can’t take it anymore! Two straight overtime losses! This is horrible. Goodbye cruel world.
Psychic GPS: Pull yourself together Piggy. Its just one game! You are in a dark place right now. Have you been acting this way all week?
The Flying Pig: Have I been acting this way all week….hmmm…No I don’t think so…
PIGGY BEGINS REFLECTING ON HIS WEEK
Piggy’s Boss: Piggy (walking in Piggy’s office) I need this assignment done STAT! (throwing files on Piggy’s desk)
The Flying Pig: Okay….(his boss walks out of his office) …jerk
Piggy’s Boss: (walking back in) did you say something?
The Flying Pig: No…I can’t wait to get into this work! Weeeeeeeeeeeee
Piggy’s Boss: You sure you didn’t say anything?
The Flying Pig: Just that I love working for you! (Piggy’s Boss turns and walks out his office)….you freaking herpes agent!
Piggy’s Boss: (walking back in) did you say something else? I could have sworn you said “herpes agent”?
The Flying Pig: (shrugging) What an odd thing to hear…I just can’t wait to do this…STAT…Weeeeeeeeeeeee
Piggy’s Boss: You sure you didn’t say anything to me?
The Flying Pig: Nope (his boss walks out of his office) fucknut….Piggy’s Boss turns around and Piggy holds the file in the air and smiles
The Flying Pig: Work is fun….Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The Flying Pig: (laughing hysterically to himself) all these people (laughing) dead!
Guidance Counselor: Mr. Bacon, I can’t tell you much we appreciate coming to our “Just Say No” Seminar for teens.
The Flying Pig: It’s my pleasure. Anything I can do to help mold young minds…
Guidance Counselor: The kids are waiting for you
PIGGY WALKS UP TO A PODIUM IN AN AUDITORIUM FULL OF HIGH SCHOOL KIDS
The Flying Pig: Is this thing on…(Piggy taps the microphone, it makes a loud noise but no one laughs at Piggy’s joke. The teens just stare at Piggy with a glazed look in their eyes)
Guidance Counselor: (encouraging Piggy) Go on…
The Flying Pig: I know I am supposed to stand up here and tell you not to do drugs (looking around the room) but that would not be very honest. I can tell by looking out there that most of you do drugs regularly. Hell I bet most of you are high right now. Which is okay. Look…when it comes down to it, the world is full of death, disease and butt fungus. There really is not much to stay sober for. And when your team loses two overtime games in a row…well.. (Piggy hangs his head down low) well you might want and little smack to ease the pain. And that is okay. Who is going to stop you (pointing his trotter at the guidance counselor)…this bitch??? The bottom line is whether you are falling out of a window on salvia or eating some one’s face on bath salts, the euphoria you are feeling is much better than watching your ordinarily reliable kicker miss clutch field goals week after week. In closing – drugs are good.
PIGGY IS WALKING HOME FROM WORK AND ABOUT TO CROSS THE STREET. THERE IS A LITTLE OLD LADY IN FRONT OF HIM CROSSING THE STREET CAUSING PIGGY TO SLOW DOWN
The Flying Pig: Of course I will help you…..(piggy kicks the old woman in the back and she falls to the ground) Oh did I say “help you”? I meant “help me”, help me cross the street faster you old hag! (walking past her as she lays on the ground)
AFTER BEING RELEASED FROM JAIL, PIGGY IS ON A CITY BUS SITTING ALONE STARING OUT THE WINDOW. THERE IS AN EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO HIM. THE BUS STOPS TO PICK UP A PASSENGER AND A SMALL CHILD WITH A HUGE LOLLIPOP GETS ON THE BUS.
Bus Passenger #1: Oh what an adorable child.
Bus Passenger #2: Yes, how adorable…(to the child) that is a big lollipop you have?
The Child: My mommy says it’s as big as my heart!
Bus Passenger #1: How sweet
Bus Passenger #2: just adorable…
The Child: She says she knows I have a big heart because I like to hug so much. Can I hug you?
Bus Passenger #1: Of Course? (hugging the child)
The Child: And you too?
Bus Passenger #2: Absolutely sweetheart (hugging the child)
The Child: I love you! I love all the bus passengers. I love everyone…
Bus Passenger #1: What a little angel
Bus Passenger #2: so sweet…
THE CHILD SITS NEXT TO PIGGY
The Child: Hello little piggy!
PIGGY TURNS TOWARD THE CHILD, SMIRKS AND THEN TURNS HIS HEAD BACK TOWARDS THE WINDOW
The Child: You are a shy little piggy…is it because you are so fat?
PIGGY TURNS TOWARD TO THE CHILD, SMILES A LITTLE LONGER AND TURNS HIS HEAD BACK TOWARDS THE WINDOW
The Child: Why are you such a fat and shy piggy?
PIGGY TURNS TOWARD THE CHILD. HE IS CLEARLY BITING HIS TONGUE. PIGGY NODS AND TURNS BACK TOWARDS THE WINDOW
The Child: fatty piggy fatty piggy (singing) fatty piggy fatty piggy
THE OTHER PASSENGERS TURN TO LOOK AT PIGGY AND THE CHILD AND LAUGH
The Child: fatty piggy fatty piggy (singing) fatty piggy fatty piggy
The Flying Pig: Look you little hemorrhoid (grabbing the child by the neck) you may have everyone on this bus amused with your over-sized lollipop and your cure little hugging….awww….so adorable (mocking the other passengers)…but I know your game (pointing his trotter at himself). If you call me a fat piggy again I will cut out your organs and I will eat your liver. You hear me. (yelling) I WILL EAT YOUR LIVER!
THE CHILD BEGINS TO CRY LOUDLY AND ALL THE BUS PASSENGERS ARE LOOKING AT PIGGY IN DISGUST. THE BUS COMES TO A STOP
The Flying Pig: Um…this is my stop…
BACK IN THE UFO’S BATHROOM IN THE PRESENT TIME
The Flying Pig: No, GPS, I don’t think I acted any differently this week…
Psychic GPS: Piggy. Its a new week. Tannehill passed for over 400 yards last week and the Bengals secondary is beat up. There are plenty of things to look forward to in this world
The Flying Pig: By this world I suppose you mean this ball of dirt and bacteria we are living on…but…I suppose you are right. (walking back to the front of the ship with GPS) Hey wedge let me fly this thing?
Psychic GPS: Piggy, I don’ think that is a good idea…
The Flying Pig: Let me drive! Let me drive! Let me drive! (hopping up and down next to wedge)
Wedge: No one drives this ship but me…
The Flying Pig: Come one Wedge…on this planet it’s customary to let your guest fly your UFO
Psychic GPS: Electronic sigh…(under his breath) unbelievable…
Wedge: Well…I guess if it’s customary
PIGGY SITS AT THE CONTROL DECK AND WITHIN SECONDS LIGHTS START FLASHING AND THE UFO ALARMS GO OFF
The Flying Pig: Oops
Psychic GPS: What did you do?
Wedge: We are going down! Brace yourself
THE UFO CRASHES IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE A JUNGLE. PIGGY, GPS AND WEDGE STEP OUT OF THE CRASHED UFO TO INVESTIGATE WHERE THEY ARE
The Flying Pig: Hey Wedge…I forgot to mention…its customary on this planet to crash your buddy’s vehicle as well (piggy puts his trotter over his mouth to hold back the laughter)
Psychic GPS: We have to find out where we are, it will take me a second to load…where are we?
The Flying Pig: Do you know where you are? (screeching) You’re in the jungle baby, you’re gonna diiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (Piggy begins doing the Axl Rose dance)
Psychic GPS: There are no jungles inOhio…ahh here it is…Looks like we landed in the Cincinnati Zoo
Wedge: That is unusual. You Earthlings create an enclosure which is made to look like the natural habitat of a ferocious beast, but there is no ferocious beast in here with us…Ah, I stand corrected. There is a beast with huge teeth and claws right behind Piggy
The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEEEAAAAAALLL (hopping in Wedge’ arms)….
Psychic GPS: Uh oh?
The Flying Pig: Um…I know what you are thinking (as the tiger moves closer to them) and the answer is…yes…alien’s taste better much than pork…and they are much less fattening too
The Tiger: Gentleman. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Claws Mckillyou, Esq. I am the criminal defense attorney for the Cincinnati Bengals. Step into my office.
THE TIGER LEADS THEM TO A SHED. ON ONE SIDE OF THE SHED THE WINDOW LOOKS OUT TO THE CRASHED UFO ON THE OTHER SIDE A PARKING LOT WHERE A HELICOPTER AND A FIAT ARE PARKED.
The Tiger: Now, (sitting at a desk) as the Bengals criminal defense attorney I am always very busy, so I would like to make this quick. I anticipate that you expect some consideration for this little incident and my clients are prepared to replace your vehicle with an alternative.
Wedge: Replace??? What for? There is little damage to my ship and it has self-repairing technology
The Tiger: No doubt your alien technology is far more advanced than ours…which is why we stole it…along with everything else on the UFO
WEDGE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW TO SEE THAT THE UFO HAS BEEN COMPLETELY STRIPPED BY THE CINCINATTI BENGALS AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT A METAL FRAME OF A UFO
Wedge: My ship!
The Tiger: You gentlemen can understand that there is no reason to report this to the Hamilton County D.A….Which is why we are prepared to give you this Fiat.
Wedge: You mean you are giving Piggy this Fiat (taking the keys from the wall)
The Tiger: Yes. (turning to Piggy) The Fiat is yours. If you just sign a few releases (placing a document on the desk and giving Piggy a pen)
The Flying Pig: Fiat??? Are you kidding me, I want the helicopter
Psyhic GPS: Piggy, we have time to get to the stadium in the Fiat. We don’t need the helicopter. Besides where are you going to park the helicopter when you get to the stadium?
The Flying Pig: I guess we should settle for the Fiat…Hey, where is Wedge?
OUT THE WINDOW THEY CAN SEE THE FIAT START UP, AND CRASH INTO A TREE TOTALLY DESTROYING IT. WEDGE GETS OUT OF THE DRIVER’S SEAT
Wedge: (walking in the tiger’s office) Piggy, it’s an honor to take part in your Earthling customs (he hands Piggy the keys to the Fiat)
The Flying Pig: ….Dammit…(after thinking a minute) Everyone….(in an Austrian accent) Get to Da Choppa!
Psychic GPS: Its not a Tumah!
PIGGY, GPS AND WEDGE RUN TO THE HELICOPTER, GET INSIDE AND FLY AWAY FROM THE ZOO TOWARDS THE STADIUM
The Flying Pig: Go Dolphins!