PORKLOGUE: To be honest, this little piggy has writer’s block this week. I’m not sure if it’s a result of Arizona being dull or if it’s because I’m still devastated following the jest loss. So in my post jest loss misery I stared into sky and looked at the stars…and I drifted…and drifted…into space…a floating piggy…floating…drifting away…floating away…
And then it came to me! Inspiration from the greats. Star Wars! Everyone has seen it. But everyone focuses on the mystical parts – the force, a supernatural power that helps Luke Skywalker achieve great feats. But the secret to Star Wars is not the power of the force. If Luke was a just a magical schizoid who heard his dead Jedi master’s voice he would not have gotten anything done. Luke was able to blow up the Death Star because the team around him kept him focused. Stay on target…Stay on target…Boom.
So I invented a new character to join me on my odyssey. His name is wedge after one of the unheralded characters of Star Wars. Stay on Target Dolphins. Stay on Target…Oink Bitches!
(the real wedge)
PIGGY AND PSYCHIC GPS ARE PACKING A SMALL SUITCASE
Psychic GPS: You know Piggy it’s only a three to four hour flight to Arizona. It’s not too late to buy a ticket.
The Flying Pig: Nonsense GPS. Why fly when you have wings?
Psychic GPS: I don’t know Piggy, Are your wings ready for such a long flight?
The Flying Pig: What??? Look into my eyes. Do you see that? That is the Eye of the Piggy! I bet we get here in two hours! Hey where is Colonpokey anyway? I want to get going
Psychic GPS: I saw him packing. But I don’t see him now. He was talking about an old flame…
The Flying Pig: Colonpokey??? (calling into the barn) Colonpokey let’s go.
COLONPOKEY WALKS OUT OF THE BARN. HIS HEAD IS HELD LOW.
Colonpokey: I’m not coming with you
Psychic GPS: Not coming? But I saw you packing
Colonpokey: Oh I am packed. But it’s not for Arizona. Marc Sanchez and I made up. I’m going back in his butt.
Psychic GPS: You are leaving us?
Colonpokey: Yes. I am sorry guys. I know you will miss me, but my place is in Marc Sanchez’ butt. So I guess…this is goodbye (a tear falls from Colonpokey’s eyes)
The Flying Pig: Yes! Finally!….Eh….I mean…we will miss you Colonpokey
Colonpokey: I will miss you too Piggy (Colonpokey awkwardly throws himself on Piggy to hug him)
The Flying Pig: SQUEEEAAAAL! Okay Okay (pushing Colonpokey off him)…yuk
Colonpokey: And I will miss you too GPS (hugging GPS)
Psychic GPS: I will miss you too Colonpokey…eh…can you take your finger out of my port?
Colonpokey: Heehee. Sorry GPS. (turning to a random scarecrow) And you too scarecrow. I will miss you most of all.
Colonpokey: Goodbye everyone (Colonpokey leaves the barn) My true love awaits me!
The Flying Pig: Off to a good start today! Weeeeeeeeeeeee. Alright let’s go to Arizona.
Scarecrow: Can I come?
The Flying Pig: Dude, I don’t even know what you are doing here…(picking up Psychic GPS and flying west leaving scarecrow)
29 HOURS LATER
Psychic GPS: less than two hours???
The Flying Pig: Um, it took a little longer than expected….where are we anyway? I’m hungry?
Psychic GPS: New Mexico Piggy…but the game is about to start…we need to get to Arizona
The Flying Pig: I’m going to land. See any good places to land.
Psychic GPS: It’s a desert Piggy. You can land anywhere. How about right there?
The Flying Pig: Looks good to me.
PIGGY LANDS WITH PSYCHIC GPS. BUT THE AREA IS BARREN
The Flying Pig: Wow there is nothing around here…I really need to eat something. Maybe past those signs…
Psychic GPS: Piggy, that is not a good idea…
The Flying Pig: Come on…no one will care of we go this way
Psychic GPS: I’m really scared Piggy…this place is so strange
The Flying Pig: I’m a little creeped out too. I feel like someone is watching us…
Wedge the Alien: I am watching you.
Psychic GPS: Electronic Scream
The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEAAAAAL
PIGGY AND GPS GRAB EACH OTHER CLUTCHING EACH OTHER IN FEAR
Wedge the Alien: I mean you no harm. I’m here to learn about your world
Psychic GPS: (to Piggy) He seems friendly Piggy
Wedge the Alien: Tell me. I have seen reptiles, birds and plants since I have been here. What is the dominant species on this plant?
The Flying Pig: What? Isn’t it obvious? It’s the Pigs! (Psychic GPS silently nods “no” to Wedge)
Wedge the Alien: And what do you consume as sustenance?
The Flying Pig: We survive on football. Speaking of which, do you have a fast spaceship or something like that…my wings are sort of tired…
Wedge the Alien: Yes, I have a spaceship.
The Flying Pig: Let’s go to Arizona. I will tell you all about my planet on the way there. We have a game against the Cardinals
Wedge the Alien: Tell me about these Cardinals (walking Piggy and GPS to his spaceship)
Psychic GPS: The Cardinals are a football team in Arizona. They are undefeated right now. They are playing really good defense. They are 2nd in the league in points against per game and 10th in the league in yards against a game, based mainly on a strong pass defense. They are middle of the pack in rushing yards against per game, which is really the Dolphins strength.
The Flying Pig: Don’t be such a downer GPS. On the other hand as good as their defense has been, their offense has been pretty ugly. They are 31st in the league in yards per game. They don’t have a QB or a running game. However, Larry Fitzgerald is one heck of a weapon.
The Flying Pig: But we are moving a little too fast for you. (stepping inside the spaceship) let’s keep it simple. See this picture. This is what Greatness looks like.
The Flying Pig: And this picture is nausea. It’s caused by excessive fist pumping
The Flying Pig: And this picture is a picture of what justice looks like.
WEDGE, PIGGY AND GPS FLY TOWARDS ARIZONA IN THE SPACESHIP
The Flying Pig: GO DOLPHINS!