PORKLOGUE: It’s the BYE week. In most cases that is pretty boring. But this year, after the BYE we play the Jests. So…2 weeks of hating on the Jests!Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
PSYCHIC GPS IS SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION IN THE BARN.
Psychic GPS: Wedge come on…the debate is about to start…
Wedge: I have no need for earthly elections
Psychic GPS: Why Wedge? It’s the debate. It’s the future. If you want to learn about Earth, you should watch this.
Wedge: No thank you GPS. I get everything I need by watching Miami Vice and Barney Miller. Man that Abe Vigoda is one good looking guy. He gets all the chicks…
Psychic GPS: Barney Miller? Um…we need to talk some time about Earth wedge.. But suit yourself. (calling out) Piggy…Piggy…
The Flying Pig: What do you want? (staggering in)
Psychic GPS: um…the debate is about to start
The Flying Pig: I don’t care…I’m drunk…
Psychic GPS: Piggy, it’s the debate…don’t you want to watch it?
The Flying Pig: You stop laughing at me…So I love Mrs. Butterworth. Can’t a pig love syrup…hiccup…I’m drunk and I love syrup…beautiful curvy syrup…hiccup
Psychic GPS: I’m not laughing at you…I thought you would want to watch the debate
The Flying Pig: You’ll be sorry (staggering towards GPS) you’ll be sorry. (Piggy passes out)
Psychic GPS: Okay…I guess I will just watch it alone (turning on the television)
COLONPOKEY IS SITTING AT A TABLE IN FRONT OF TWO EMPTY PODIUMS
Colonpokey: Good evening. Welcome to the 2nd debate. I am Colonpokey your moderator tonight. This debate will be an hour long. Each candidate will be given a question and will be allotted two minutes to answer that question, then the other candidate will be given two minutes to reply. A one minute rebuttal may be permitted by me, the moderator.
Colonpokey: I have several randomly selected questions on index cards in front of me, which will I will ask to each of the candidates. Our audience has agreed not to respond, speak, laugh or clap except for this one exception when we introduce the candidates, so lets introduce them. Here they are: Candidate Marc and Candidate Tim.
CANDIDATE TIM AND CANDIDATE MARC ENTER THE ROOM WAIVING TO THE CROWD, THEY APPROACH EACH OTHER, SHAKE HANDS AND THEN THEY SLAP EACH OTHER ON THE BUTT AND MOVE TO THE PODIUMS
Colonpokey: Candidate Tim, you won the the coin toss, so you get the first question. And the first question is….Candidate, why do you suck?
Candidate Tim: Great question, my favorite topic…sucking…
Candidate Tim: Sucking is new to me. You may have heard that when I was at UF, I never sucked. I was a virgin. In 2006 I was part of a National Championship team. I was named a starter and I won the Heisman Trophy in 2007. I won the BCS National Championship in 2008. In 2009 I only lost one game. After I was drafted by the Broncos, I didn’t do much my rookie year, but when I got the chance to start midway through 2011 – I won! So I never used to suck, but since joining the Jests I have begun to appreciate sucking. There are so many other great suckers in the Jests organization, its hard not to suck
Colonpokey: Candidate Marc, heehee (Colonpokey winks at Candidate Marc, who winks back at him) same question for you…
Candidate Marc: Well, unlike my opponent Tim, I have always sucked. I was born to suck and that is why the Jests drafted me. In 2009, I threw 20 interceptions. In 2011, I threw 18 interceptions. So far this year, I have 6 interceptions – and I’m just getting started. My highest completion percentage in my career is under 57%. I have always sucked and I will always suck. Where Tim fantasizes of sucking, I actually do suck. The NY Jests have a strong tradition of sucking – and who is better for sucking than me, a man who loves to suck whenever I can (Candidate Marc wipes his mouth) I suck. I really do!
Colonpokey: (sigh) …so dreamy…Oh sorry, forgot where I was for a minute…Candidate Marc, the next question is about the running game, how can you help the run….
Candidate Marc: I want to go back to sucking Colonpokey…I love sucking (wiping his mouth again)
Colonpokey: Well I guess we can spend a few more minutes on the topic
Candidate Marc: This offseason the Jests were concerned about my sucking, so they brought a guy in who is scared of vaginas. But they still named me opening day sucker. And so far I have proven to everyone that I can still suck with the best of them. Do you know that I average 6.36 yards an attempt. That is 31st in the league. Do you think Candidate Tim can suck like that? Do you realize I have completed 88 passes this year in 6 games. That isn’t even 15 completions a game. Do you think Candidate Tim can suck like that? Do you think….
Candidate Tim: Can I respond…
Candidate Marc: Do you think….
Candidate Tim: I think his two minutes are up. It’s my turn now….
Colonpokey: Candidate Marc, your two minutes are over, let Candidate Tim speak.
Candidate Tim: Do you know I tried to throw the ball 3 times this season. Do you how many rushes I have….18…I have thrown the ball 3 times and I have rushed 18 times. I am a QB by the way. If I touch the ball seven times, I will only pass it once. One pass every seven touches for a QB…that is sucking…that is good sucking. No one sucks like…
Candidate Marc: Can I reply…
Candidate Tim: Now don’t interrupt me, I didn’t interrupt you
Candidate Marc: Your time is up…I just want to say one brief thing…
Candidate Tim: I’m not finished…
Colonpokey: Gentlemen…Lets not have this debate come to blows…heehee…I will allow Candidate Marc 1 minute (winking at Candidate Marc)
Candidate Marc: Candidate Tim is effective on the ground. I suck so good that my ground game is my passing game. My top receiver is the turf.
Colonpokey: Okay. Let’s go to the next question. Candidate Tim, every team in the AFC East is tied at 3-3. How can you help the Jests win the division?
Candidate Tim: Well, I want to go back to sucking for a minute…
Colonpokey: I think we covered that subject…
Candidate Tim: I need to reply to something Candidate Marc said…
Colonpokey: I guess you can use your two minutes any way you want
Candidate Tim: Candidate Marc is not the only one who can throw it into the ground. Do you know what my completion % was in 2011. It was 46.5%. Now that is fine sucking. Suck Suck Suck. That is all I do. If you, the NY Jests Organization give me a chance, I will suck you all off. I know I only threw 6 interceptions last year, but 5 of those were in losses. And in those games I lost I only, threw 3 TDs almost half the interceptions I threw. Candidate Marc can’t suck like me. Look at him. He is so sloppy about it. It’s all over his shirt.
Candidate Marc: It is not (wiping his shirt)
Candidate Tim: Sloppy Sucker (pointing at Candidate Marc)
Colonpokey: Gentleman, gentleman, let’s keep this civil. Candidate Marc, how can you help the Jests win the Division?
Candidate Marc: I want to go back to sucking for a minute Colonpokey…
Colonpokey: Don’t you think its sort of a tired subject?
Candidate Marc: Nonsense. The Jests will never stop sucking. Do you know what my TD to interception ratio on the right is this year? Its 1:2. Do you know what it is on the left? Its 1:2. That’s right I suck from all sides. I am certified in suckery
Candidate Tim: Oh Yeah. Well I suck so much I have a degree in suckoffsosphy
Colonpokey: Okay guys I think this is getting a little of course…
Candidate Marc: You be quiet rodent. You are just another one of my animal kingdom conquests
COLONPOKEY RUNS OUT CRYING
Candidate Marc: I suck so much, they have to perform a Suckoscopy to remove everything I’ve sucked
Candidate Tim: I am so good a sucking, that when I get it in my eye, they call it suckoculars
Candidate Marc: I wrote a book. Its a suckography
Candidate Tim: That’s nothing. If a scientist was to study me, that scientist would be a suckologist.
Candidate Marc: Don’t be sucknoxious!
Candidate Tim: That is the difference between you and me. I consider being sucknoxious to be sucktastic!
Candidate Marc: I have had just about enough of youCandidate Tim: Lets wrestle
Candidate Marc: You know how we do it here?
Candidate Tim: (nodding) no pants!
BACK AT THE BARN
Psychic GPS: (turning of the television) well that took an unusual turn…Piggy, did you see that…Piggy…Piggy…where are you Piggy (looking out the window of the barn)
OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW PIGGY IS PASSED OUT. A GREEN VAN DRIVES UP NEXT TO HIM. TWO ORDERLIES DRESSED IN GREEN UNIFORMS PUT A BAG OVER PIGGY’S HEAD, GRAB HIM AND THROW HIM IN THE VAN. THE VAN DRIVES AWAY.
Psychic GPS: Piggy! They got Piggy
Wedge : Hey, GPS is the debate over? Barney Miller is about to come on…
TO BE CONTINUED