The Porcine Oddyssey #23: Dolphins @ Jests

PORKLOGUE: Hey, it’s me…Colonpokey…heehee. Piggy let me write the Porklogue this week. Some of you might think I am happy of the Longoria/Sanchez break up. But I’m indifferent on it. The fact is Sanchez is not a one rodent type of lover anyway…(sniffle sniffle) That bastard! I found out recently that I am one of the many rodents he has loved. And it hurts me. Anyway I now truly understand that the Jests really do suck, some more than others. For instance Sanchez sucks more in a day than the common vacuum cleaner sucks in a year.

As you might recall from the last Porcine Odyssey, Piggy was abducted while he was drunk and passed out. Piggy was taken to the NY Jests fan conversion asylum, which is where our story begins. J-E-T-S Suck Suck Suck! Heehee

PIGGY WAKES UP IN A PADDED CELL. DR. REX IS HOVERING OVER HIM AND RUBBING HIS TROTTERS

Dr. Rex: Ah…so tender…so soft…

The Flying Pig: What are you doing? Get your hands off my trotters

Dr. Rex: Oh you are awake? (quickly zipping his fly) Hello Piggy…welcome back. Welcome to the asylum where Jests fans are born.

The Flying Pig: I hate the Jests! Let me out of this place

Dr. Rex: Oh no, not this time Piggy. This time you are here to stay…until you become a Jests fans. We are going to pound your mind with false expectations. I’m going to convince you that Marc Sanchez is a top 5 QB in the league. I’m going to convince you that our defense is elite. I’m going to convince you that Tony Sparano is a brilliant offensive mind. When you are finished here, you are going to be so delusional you will believe the Jests are destined to win the Super Bowl, and if that causes a little brain damage in the process and you drool all the time – well all the better. You will fit in with the other Jests fans.

The Flying Pig: Is that a monkey with a needle with you?

Dr. Rex: Yeah, that is Laron Landry’s monkey “Gucci”. Laron spends a lot of time training the monkey. Cute little guy isn’t he?

THE MONKEY RUNS OVER TO PIGGY AND PRICKS HIM WITH THE NEEDLE

The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEEAAAAL

Dr. Rex: (laughing) no little guy…The steroids are for Laron…crazy monkey…

THE MONKEY LUNGES AT PIGGY’S CROTCH AND MAKES A JERKING MOTION WITH HIS HAND.

The Flying Pig: Get him off me!

Dr. Rex: (laughing and pulling the monkey off Piggy) Okay…cute little guy, he has you confused with Landry…

The Flying Pig: Let me out of here!

Dr. Rex: You are not getting away this time Piggy. I have you locked in this cell. See that door (pointing to the exit door of the cell) I am the only one who knows the code to that door. Don’t even think you will escape this time. There is just one small slot in the door and it just big enough to slip food into the room. You won’t fit through that slot. Only something as small as a..as a…as a…as a hamster will fit through that slot. So we got you this time (walking away and maniacally laughing) You are not a hamster. You are a fat little pig. And I don’t see any hamsters around this place. (Walking out of the door and setting the code on the door to lock the door)

The Flying Pig: I gotta get out of here. (Piggy sticks his snout through the slot)

The Flying Pig: (calling out) Colonpokey…Colonpokey are you there….Colonpokey…

Guard: Get away from the door pig! Its dinner time. Hope you like noodles (the guard spits in a plate) Noodles with jests sauce…hah hah…believe it or not this is the biggest seller at the stadium on game day…(the guard slips a plate of noodles through the slot) Enjoy!

The Flying Pig: (yelling) Let me out of here! Let me out (Piggy falls to his knees and puts his trotters over his face)

Colonpokey: Pssst…Piggy look in the plate….

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey! You are here!

Colonpokey: I came here to save you Piggy! Hey is it raining in here? I thought I felt something.

The Flying Pig: Um, no…we are indoors…Colonpokey…I thought you went back to Sanchez.

Colonpokey: I did Piggy….but that was before (hanging his head down low) I found out I was not the only rodent in his butt. That whore was two timing me with other rodents. He broke my little hamster heart (a tear drops from Colonpokey’s eye) but now I’m back with you Piggy. And we can be friends forever!

The Flying Pig: Eh…okay Colonpokey…Let’s focus on getting out of here. Then we can go our separate ways. See that slot. Go through the slot to get to the outside and then put the code in to open the door in. You do know the code right?

Colonpokey: No. why would I know that?

The Flying Pig: You said you were here to rescue me?

Colonpokey: Yes! Rescue you with the pleasure of my company!

The Flying Pig: (sigh) Colonpokey go through the slot and start pressing in random codes. It has to be something Dr. Rex loves. Something about feet or something…

COLONPOKEY GO THROUGH THE SLOT AND UP TO THE BOX TO PRESS CODES

Colonpokey: Um…Let’s see…F – E – E -T

AN ALARM GOES OFF

The Flying Pig: You set of the alarm! Hurry try something else before someone comes

Colonpokey: Okay….I got it…F – O – O – T

THE SPRINKLERS IN THE ROOM GO OFF AND PIGGY GETS SOAKED

The Flying Pig: Now it’s noisy and wet in here! try something else…Hurry!

Colonpokey: If you think that is noisy and wet, you should have seen the place I just came from…hmmm….Let me try something else. How bout… S – H – O – E

A DISCO GLOBE DROPS FROM THE CEILING

The Flying Pig: That’s not it

Colonpokey: I got it! S – O – C – K

CIRCUS MUSIC BEGIN TO PLAY AND THE ROOM BEGINS TO ROTATE

The Flying Pig: What is going on in this place! Try again. I’m getting sick

Colonpokey: Hmmm. How about T – O – E – J – A – M

A PIE IS THROWN IN PIGGY’S FACE

The Flying Pig: How is that even possible!

Colonpokey: Let me try this B – O – O- T. Hmm nothing happened.

The Flying Pig: Thank God. I can’t take anymore. Let’s see if we can get the code right this time

Colonpokey: Its weird that “boot” doesn’t cause anything to happen….Ohhh…there it is, Boot releases a rabid pit bull in the room…look Piggy (pointing)

The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEEAAAAAAL (being chased around the room by a pit bull) SQUEEEAAAAL Hurry Colonpokey try again!

Colonpokey: I know. C –A – R – P – E – N – T – E- R

THE DOOR OPENS. PIGGY RUNS OUT AND SLAMS IT SHUT SO THE PIT BULL DOESN’T GET OUT

The Flying Pig: Thanks for getting me out Colonpokey. I’m going to get out of here. See you later

Colonpokey: Wait Piggy. I want to come with you…

The Flying Pig: No can do Colonpokey. I’m going to fly home. See this (pointing to his eye) I have the Eye of the Piggy! (Piggy jumps up to fly) See you later! (Piggy crashes to the ground)

Colonpokey: Heehee. Looks like someone has been drinking a little too much lately. Follow me Piggy. I planned our escape.

COLONPOKEY LEADS PIGGY TO THE EXIT ON THE ROOF. A HELICOPTER IS FLYING ABOVE THE ROOF. WEDGE AND GPS ARE IN THE HELICOPTER WAIVING TO PIGGY

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Psychic GPS: Come one. Let’s go! (waiving Piggy over)

COLONPOKEY RUNS TO THE HELICOPTER FIRST. WEDGE REACHES DOWN AS COLONPOKEY LEAPS. UP WEDGE EASILY PULLS COLONPOKEY INSIDE. PIGGY THEN RUNS TO THE HELICOPTER AND LEAPS UP. WEDGE GRABS ONE OF HIS FRONT TROTTERS AND GPS GRABS THE OTHER

Wedge: Hmmphh (struggling to pull Piggy inside) Piggy, you may have put on a little…

Psychic GPS: Electronic Hmmphh (also struggling) Don’t say it wedge…come on Piggy just a little more….

Colonpokey: (grabbing one of Piggy’s ears and pulling) Come on fatty piggy!

PIGGY USES ONE OF HIS HIND TROTTERS TO PUSH UP AND INTO THE HELICOPTER

The Flying Pig: I’m not fat. (defensively) Some of you just need to get to the gym once in a while

Colonpokey: Heehee (pointing at piggy) Yeah…this pig!

The Flying Pig: Who is flying this thing?

Mustachio: Bonjourno Ah-Piggy (flying the helicopter). It ah-me your good friend Mustachio. I’m gonna get you to the hotel so you can rest before the game tomorrow. Oh..such a nice little prosciutto…Maybe we can make you into the sandwich at the game…no?

The Flying Pig: Um…no. Let’s just get to the hotel

THE HELICOPTER LANDS ON A ROOF OF A HOTEL IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN. COLONPOKEY, WEDGE AND GPS GET OUT OF THE HELICOPTER.

The Flying Pig: (handing a package of sliced turkey breast to Mustachio) for your trouble…(Piggy gets of the helicopter)

THE FOUR OF THEM WALK INTO THE HOTEL STAIRWEEL AND DOWN TO THEIR ROOM FLOOR. THEN THEY ENTER THE ROOM

The Flying Pig: Oh good, a double. GPS we will set you up on the counter by the TV where you like it. I will take one bed. Wedge you can have the other…and Colonpokey…eh…you can go home now…

Colonpokey: I can’t leave Piggy…not before my friends arrive for the party…

The Flying Pig: Party? I just want to get to bed Colonpokey! What friends?

Colonpokey: Some of the other guys I met while inside Marc Sanchez’s butt. I told you I wasn’t the only one there

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND COLONPOKEY RUNS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT

Colonpokey: Analluster its you!

Anallluster: hey guys. what’s up. I’m Analluster the Weasel! Colonpokey how ya doing? Man I am so glad to get out of Marc Sanchez’ butt. That place was packed. Are the other guys coming?

The Flying Pig: Other guys? How many little creatures can one guy fit in his butt?

Colonpokey: Oh, they are not all so little…

THERE IS ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND COLONPOKEY RUNS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT

Colonpokey: Come in Rump Raider!

Rump Raider: Hello Mr. Pig. Colonpokey has said so much about you I feel like I know you. I’m Rump Raider. I’m a Capybara – the largest rodent in the world…

The Flying Pig: That is just gross…

THERE IS ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND THIS TIME PIGGY OPENS THE DOOR.

The Flying Pig: If this is another huge rodent, I’m going to faint…

Gluteus Explorer: Who said we were all rodents (walking in the room)

The Flying Pig: A giraffe! Are you kidding me. That isn’t even anatomically possible…What’s next…an elephant that was living in Marc Sanchez’ butt.

THERE IS ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR. PIGGY OPENS THE DOOR

The Flying Pig: there is nothing here (looking out of the room) who knocked?

A GIANT DINOSAUR FOOT STOMPS ON THE GROUND IN FRONT OF PIGGY AND A GUST OF AIR BLOWS PIGGY BACK AWAY FROM THE DOOR ONTO HIS BACK!

The Flying Pig: What the fuck!

Buttdancer: Hello Piggy, I am Buttdancer the Brontosaurus. Can I come in for a drink?

The Flying Pig: No! you can’t even fit through the door. Isn’t that obvious! This is impossible! How did all you guys fit into Marc Sanchez’s butt…at the same time no less…

Rump Raider: Piggy Piggy Piggy…don’t be so naïve. Sanchez has achieved remarkable feats with his anus…

The Flying Pig: But you guys are so big…and this guy (pointing to Buttdancer) he’s extinct!

Gluteus Explorer: Piggy. The Sanchez cavity is a magical place

Buttdancer: It’s full of mystical and magical things that you can’t find anywhere else…

Anallluster: In fact, I think this is yours…

The Flying Pig: That is my sock! (grabbing a sock from Analluster’s hands) I thought it was just lost in the laundry…

Gluteus Explorer: And GPS, these are your keys (tossing a set of keys to GPS)

Rump Raider: And this (holding up a corpse) this is your Jimmy Hoffa…

The Flying Pig: Okay…okay…look, this is a little too much for me to handle (pushing them out of the room) I have to get some rest. So it was nice meeting you, you guys are very nice. But you have to leave

Colonpokey: See you guys later (holding up his fist) Sphincter Unity!

The Flying Pig: You too Colonpokey (pushing Colonpokey out and shutting the door)

Psychic GPS: Piggy, you can’t kick Colonpokey out…

Wedge: He saved you Piggy…show him some gratitude…

The Flying Pig: I don’t care. He is bad news! (getting into the bed and under the covers) It doesn’t bother me at all to part ways with him. I have no guilt about it. I’m going to sleep like a piglet tonight!

FROM THE OUTSIDE OF THE DOOR PIGGY CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF A HARMONICA PLAYING THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

Wedge: (singing) And I never thought I’d feel this way. And as far as I’m concerned I’m glad I got the chance to say. That I do believe, I love you

Psychic GPS: (electronically singing) And if I should ever go away Well, then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today And then if you can remember

THE DOOR OPENS AND COLONPOKEY COMES IN THE ROOM

Colonpokey: (singing) Keep smiling, keep shining. Knowing you can always count on me, for sure. That’s what friends are for. For good times and bad times I’ll be on your side forever more That’s what friends are for.

The Flying Pig: Okay, I get it guys.

Colonpokey: (singing) For good times and bad times, for borrowing money and never paying them back, for stealing their TV to support your crack habit…for sure, that’s what friends are for.

The Flying Pig: What?

Colonpokey: (singing) For spiking their coffee with roofies before they operate heavy machinery, for installing a hidden camera in their shower and posting the pictures on the internet…for sure…that’s what friends are for…(Colonpokey puts one arm around GPS and the other around Wedge and the three of them sway from left to right together)

The Flying Pig: That isn’t how the song goes…

Colonpokey: (singing) For telling their employer that he searches for prostitutes on craigslist during his lunch hour, for selling his pancreas on the black market in South America, for sure…that’s what friends are for…

The Flying Pig: That isn’t how the song goes…That is not what friends do to each other Colonpokey! This is exactly why I don’t want you around. get out!

Colonpokey: Oh please Piggy let me stay…I can sing another song for you!

The Flying Pig: No! No more singing. You can stay…just don’t sing, please! Wedge, he can sleep in your bed, with you

Colonpokey: (turning to Wedge) ….hello there…prober…

The Flying Pig: Now shut up and let me go to sleep. Go Dolphins!

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