PORKLOGUE: #24 is here! I have officially changed the spelling to “ODD”yssey. I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy here in NYC all week. And by aftermath, I mean that my office has been closed all week. This week we take on the Colts. At the time I am writing this I have no idea if Tanny is playing – but I am going to assume he is playing and we get to see Luck vs Tanny this weekend. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

PIGGY WAKES UP AFTER THE JESTS GAME. HE IS OBVIOUSLY HUNGOVER. HE GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AND SPLASHES WATER IN HIS FACE

The Flying Pig: Ouch (putting one trotter over his head) My head…How much did I drink after that win

Mr. Guilt: Hello Piggy!

The Flying Pig: Who are you?

Mr. Guilt: I am Mr. Guilt. I am the angel of regretting what you did last night. Piggy, you need to take it easy next time the Dolphins beat the Jests…

The Flying Pig: What do you mean? I didn’t do anything too out of hand. I remember talking to this hot chick and getting her number…

Mr. Guilt: (laughing) Oh yes, hot chick…

The Flying Pig: She was really hot her name was Colleen. Colleen Pokey I think…

What Piggy thinks Happened at the Game

Colleen Pokey: Hello there you sexy Pig!

Colleen Pokey

The Flying Pig: Hello there (piggy winks)

Colleen Pokey: Is anyone sitting here…

The Flying Pig: On my lap, no, go right ahead (Colleen Pokey sits on his lap)

Colleen Pokey: You are one sexy pork chop…

The Flying Pig: Would you like me to get you a sausage?

Colleen Pokey: Yes, sexy Pig. Bring me your sausage!

Back to Present Time the Day After the Game

Mr. Guilt: Okay Piggy – nice fantasy. Here is what really happened…

What Really Happened at the Game

Colonpokey: Piggy, you think I can finally get in your butt tonight?

The Flying Pig: Do whatever you like to me Colleen. You are beautiful. I love you!

Colonpokey: Colleen?

Back to Present Time the Day After the Game

The Flying Pig: Oh no. What did I do?

Mr. Guilt: Don’t worry Piggy? He lost interest when he found out Wedge was a probing expert.

The Flying Pig: Phew….Well if that was the worst?

Mr. Guilt: It was…until you started drunk texting Miss Piggy

The Flying Pig: She texted me…

What Piggy thinks Happened at the Game

Psychic GPS: Piggy, I’m getting a text from you

The Flying Pig: (standing up and cheering while watching the game) YES! Touchdown Fasano! Text?. Who is it?

Psychic GPS: Its your old flame, Miss Piggy. It looks like she really wants to speak with you…

The Flying Pig: I guess I can make a few minutes for her. Let me read her text…

Miss Piggy’s Text: Piggy, I miss you so much. You are my one and only love. This frog just doesn’t do it for me. I need a Pig…a Pig with wings! Will you consider taking me back again? I will do whatever it takes.

The Flying Pig (Reply Text): I guess we can talk again. After the game I will call you. I miss you too

What Really Happened at the Game

The Flying Pig: Yes. Touchdown Egnew!

Psychic GPS: He’s inactive Piggy

The Flying Pig: (slurring) Touchdown Mastrud!

Psychic GPS: It was Fasano

The Flying Pig: Fasano! Come here GPS I want to draft a text!

Psychic GPS: Oh no not again Piggy. I don’t recommend you sent Miss Piggy another text. It will be the 8th in the last hour.

The Flying Pig: Come here (clumsily grabbing GPS).

The Flying Pig (Text): Why won’t you reply! You are my one true lube….oops…that was a typo. I meant love..lol…That frog has nothing on me and you know it. Not easy being green…my ass. If I get a hold of him he will be black and blue! I love you Mrs. Butterworth…oops..I mean Miss Piggy…Let’s get back together!

Miss Piggy (Reply Text): If you don’t stop texting me I’m going to have to tell the Court that you violated the restraining order…again! Fuck off loser.

Back to Present Time the Day after the Game

The Flying Pig: Well I guess it would be a bad idea to call her today…Anyway, time to move on I made it back to the hotel, after the game with little incident.

Mr. Guilt: Not exactly…

What Really Happened at the End of the Game

The Flying Pig: (standing on his seat) Yeah bitches! 30-9 Suck on that bitches. You and you and you and you and you (pointing at Jests fans around him) are all little bitches. And your mother is a slut. (ripping off his pants) Who wants some chorizo!

Back to Present Time the Day after the Game

Mr. Guilt: Oh (handing Piggy a piece of paper) this is the Summons for public nudity you threw away…You better make the Court appearance…

The Flying Pig: Look Mr. Guilt. You are bringing me down dude. I’m ready for the Colts game (running out of the bathroom and into the room where Colonpokey, Wedge and GPS are sleeping) Who is ready for the Colts? Luck vs Tannehill Bitches!

vs.

Wedge: I am ready

Psychic GPS: Me too

Colonpokey: Count me in

The Flying Pig: You guys aren’t ready. This is a match up between two excellent rookies. Its not like any other game. You have to get dressed up (Piggy spins. A cloud of smoke surrounds him and when it clears up he is wearing a tuxedo and top hat and is holding a cane) We have to put on the Ritz!

The Flying Pig: (singing and dancing) If you’re aqua and orange and you don’t know where to go to, why don’t you go where football sits…Puttin’ on the Ritz…Different types who wear a day, coat pants with stripes and cutaway, coat perfect fits, Puttin’ on the Ritz

Colonpokey: (singing and dancing) Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper. Tryin’ hard to look like Gary Cooper

Psychic GPS: (electronically singing) Super Duper

Wedge: (singing) Andrew Luck has passed for almost two thousand yards and thrown eight touchdowns…putting on the Ritz. Luck is completing under 56% of his passes and has eight interceptions. Putting on the Ritz

The Flying Pig: (singing) Ryan Tannehill gets better every week and is completing almost 60% of his passes. Putting on the Ritz. Tannehill’s QB rating is more than one point higher than Luck…Putting on the Ritz

Colonpokey: (singing and dancing) Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper. Tryin’ hard to look like Gary Cooper
Psychic GPS: (electronically singing) Super Duper

Wedge: (singing and dancing) Andrew Luck is only 23 years old and has NFL genes…putting on the Ritz. His father Oliver played for the Houston Oilers and groomed Andrew to be an NFL QB…putting on the Ritz

The Flying Pig: (singing and dancing) Ryan Tannehill is only 25 years old and gives his genes to his hot wife every night …Putting on the Ritz. Did I mention he has a really hot wife…hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm….Putting on the Ritz

Colonpokey: (singing and dancing) Dressed up like a million-dollar trooper. Tryin’ hard to look like Gary Cooper

Psychic GPS: (electronically singing) Super Duper

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The Flying Pig: (whispering) Putting on the Ritz

TAP DANCE BREAK. COLONPOKEY BEGINS TO TAP DANCE

The Flying Pig: (whispering and singing) Puttin’ on the Ritz…Puttin’ on the Ritz…Puttin’ on the Ritz Puttin’ on the Ritz…Move…Move…Gotta dance…Gotta dance…If you’re aqua and orange and you don’t know where to go to why don’t you go where football sits Puttin’ on the Ritz…Puttin’ on the Ritz…Puttin’ on the Ritz…Go Dolphins!