This weeks Porcine Oddyssey below – the fest edition! lol
PORKLOGUE: Brothers and Sisters, we may not share the same squiggly tail and trotters. And you humans are not so blessed as to revolve your vocabulary around Oinks and Squeals. But we all know this: A fest comes this way! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
AN ATTRACTIVE BLOND NAMED TIPPY IS WALKING ALONG A STREET IN DOWNTOWN MIAMI. THE SOUND OF BIRDS SQUEALING CAN BE HEARD ABOVE HER. SHE LOOKS UP AT THE SKY STARING AT THE BIRDS FLYING ABOVE HER
TIPPY WALKS INTO A BUTCHER SHOP. SHE IS STILL STARING AT THE SKY AS SHE WALKS IN
Tippy: (ringing a bell) Hello…
The Butcher: Hello Miss Hedren…um, you are early
Tippy: Early, the barbecue is just a few hours away, you said ten O’clock?
The Butcher: Yes, I said ten. Its 9:30 Miss Hedren..
Tippy: Well (looking at her watch) I guess I did arrive a little early…
The Butcher: It’s okay…it’s just that the product you requested has to be ordered from overseas, they are so difficult to get…Are you sure you just don’t want some lechon?
Tippy: No, no that won’t do, everyone in Miami has had lechon before, I want something more exotic…
The Butcher: okay then, I will check the back to see it arrived. In the meantime, take a look at some of the other products. I just got some of these delicious pork chops in, and look at these sausages, and there is some slab bacon over there (walking into the back of the butcher shop)
Tippy: Very nice, but I really want to impress my friends with something special
The Butcher: (from the back) What’s the occasion?
Tippy: It’s for the Dolphins game. My friends and I are having a little tailgating party, then we are going to watch the Dolphins smash the Titans! (moving to the window and looking out to the sky) Have you ever seen so many gulls in the sky?
The Butcher: (from the back) Oh, I’m not sure those are seagulls…Here he is!
THE BUTCHER COMES OUT FROM THE BACK WITH A LARGE COVERED STAINLESS STEEL SERVING TRAY
Tippy: Oh…well come on. Lift the cover and let me see him…
The Butcher: Are you sure you can handle it? (teasing Tippy)
Tippy: Stop playing games already. Let me see him…
THE BUTCHER LIFTS THE COVER AND A BRIGHT LIGHT BLINDS BOTH OF THEM. THE BUTCHER AND TIPPY BOTH COVER THEIR EYES.
Tippy: I didn’t expect that! He is so…so…so attractive…
The Butcher: I should cover him?
Tippy: No please…
The Butcher: Are you sure Miss Hedren…he can be sort of…eh…vulgar…
The Flying Pig: Oink bitches!
Tippy: He speaks?
The Butcher: Yes, some say too much. I can put an apple in his mouth if you want…
Tippy: Yes, I don’t think I want to hear anything he says.
The Flying Pig: Apple? You put that in my mouth and I put a trotter in your ass!
The Butcher: (putting the cover back on the plate and covering Piggy) He talks way too much
Tippy: (speaking over Piggy’s muffled Squeals) I guess that is better
The Flying Pig: (lifting the cover) Did you know the Titans are averaging under 20 points a game through week 8?
Tippy: (Covering Piggy with the plate cover) talkative little piggy isn’t he… (taking the plate from the butcher and speaking to him) Put it on my tab…Those birds look like they are getting closer to the ground, don’t they?
The Butcher: Aggressively close…(giving Tippy an apple)
The Flying Pig: (lifting the cover again) TheTitans’ defense is pitiful, giving up over 32 points a game through week 8. Almost last in the league…almost…the stinking Bills are last (Piggy spits on the ground) … the stinking Bills! Hey where are we going anyway?
Tippy: (pushing the cover down) I might need that apple after all…
The Flying Pig: (lifting the cover again) Chris Johnson started theseason very slowly…but he has really picked it up of late. He is pretty much the team
Tippy: (heading out of the butcher shop) Will you be quiet
The Flying Pig: Where are we headed?
Tippy: To the grill! So you can shut up once and for all
The Flying Pig: The grill! SQUEEEEAAAAAL!
Tippy: (chasing away what she thinks are birds around her) Yes, of course…What did you expect
The Flying Pig: Well…I was sort of thinking your bedroom…grill? WTF???
Tippy: Yes. The grill. Pork chops, wings, bacon, ribs, pork loin…I will be a hit at the tailgating party.
The Flying Pig: You shallow bitch! You won’t get away with this. Pork is murder!
Tippy: (placing the apple in Piggy’s mouth) Now be quiet until I get you to the grill
The Flying Pig: (removing the apple from his mouth) That is it! Remember this day. this is the day you took on the piggies and lost! We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Miami, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our barns, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender! Charge Piggies! OOOOOOIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNKKKKKKK!
HUNDREDS OF FLYING PIGS DESCEND FROM THE SKY AND BEGIN ATTACKING ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE GROUND.
Random Piggy #1: Oink! For the Pork Chops!
Random Piggy #2: Squeal! For Bacon!
Random Piggy #3: Snort! Fucking McRibs! (defensively) I think there is pork in those…
Tippy: (screaming and frantically running) Help! Someone help. The Piggies are all over the place!
The Flying Pig: Oink bitches! (waiving the pigs to follow him and pointing at Tippy)
Tippy: Help me! (still screaming she steps over a dead police officer in the street who was killed exiting his police car) The Sausage! It’s everywhere!
FLOCKS OF FLYING PIGS COVER THE STREETS ATTACKING ALL THE HUMANS. TIPPY JUMPS IN THE POLICE CAR AND CLOSES THE DOOR
Tippy: Damn vulgar Piggies! (turning on the police radio)
Voice from the Radio: A large flock of piggies attacked a marina in Fort Lauderdale this morning. The third attack of the day. Earlier in Hialeah another flock attacked a bus full of nuns. And before that a mental institution full of fans of the New York Jests was completely ravaged! It’s the A-PIG-ALYPSE! There is nothing we can do! They are invading the police station now. Arghhh! (The sound of pigs snorting and squealing drowns out the voice on the radio which is now screaming)
Tippy: Oh my God! (screaming and turning off the radio)
FLOCKS OF FLYING PIGS SURROUND THE POLICE CAR
Random Piggy #4: (opening the car door) Pigs are some of the smartest mammals on earth you know. I think we know how to open car doors, you condescending bitch!… And now you die Pork Eater!
TIPPY KICKS THE PIG IN THE GROIN AND RUNS OUT OF THE POLICE CAR
Random Piggy #4: My dumplings! (falling to the ground and grabbing his groin)
TIPPY RUNS IN A GLASS PHONE BOOTH. NOTABLY THE ONLY GLASS PHONE BOOTH ON EARTH SINCE THE MASS PRODUCTION AND USE OF CELL PHONES
TIPPY SLAMS THE GLASS DOOR ON THE PHONE BOOTH SHUT AND SCREAMS
Tippy: (falling to her knees) some one help me…please…help me…all this weeeeeeeeeeeeee on my right….weeeeeeeeeeeeeee on my left…weeeeeeeeeeee above me…weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee below me…please help me
PIGS SLAM INTO THE GLASS AND THE WINDOW BREAKS AROUND THE BOOTH. TIPPY SCREAMS IN FEAR.
The Flying Pig: (opening the phone booth door) Now…about that grill…
Colonpokey’s Voice: Piggy….Piggy…Piggy…
The Flying Pig: (looking around) Colonpokey?
Wedge’s Voice: Wake up Piggy
PIGGY WAKES UP AND SEES WEDGE, GPS AND COLONPOKEY AROUND HIM. HE REALIZES HE WAS DREAMING
Wedge: You were dreaming. Probably about Barney Miller….
Colonpokey: It wasn’t about Barney Miller, Wedge…Look how sweaty he is…it must have been about butt invasion…
Psychic GPS: It doesn’t matter guys. Piggy, we have to leave. The game is about to start. Your friends are waiting for you…
The Flying Pig: The game? My friends??? (standing up on his bed) TELL THEM THAT THE PIGGIES ARE COMING! TELL THEM THE PIGGIES ARE COMING! Go Dolphins!