PORKLOGUE: The 26th Edition of the Porcine Oddyssey is dedicated to a place that will always remain close to my pig heart: The Downtown Hollywood Ramada.
PIGGY, COLONPOKEY, WEDGE AND GPS ARRIVE AT A HOTEL IN DOWNTOWN HOLLYWOOD. THEY ARE WALKING TO THEIR ROOM WHICH IS LOCATED NEAR THE POOL AND BAR
Wedge: So why are we staying in a hotel before the Seattle game?
Psychic GPS: It was Piggy’s idea. It’s near the stadium
The Flying Pig: My friend Ken recommended this hotel. He said he loves it here. And look we are stumbling distance from the bar.
Bartender: (waiving them down across the pool as they walk by) Hey guys are you coming for drinks. I have plenty of Corona and Heinekens (the bartender is nervously jumping up and down from behind the bar)
Wedge: Is he talking to us?
Psychic GPS:: I think so, the bar is empty….(to the bartender) Maybe later we are going to settle in first
Bartender: I have plenty of beer and a TV so you can watch football. whatever you guys like….
The Flying Pig: (opening the door to the hotel room) that guy is pretty eager…
THEY WALK INTO THEIR ROOM AND COLONPOKEY, PIGGY AND WEDGE PUT THEIR LUGGAGE ON THE BED
Colonpokey: Didn’t you bring anything GPS?
Psychic GPS: I am a piece of electronics equipment. I travel light.
Wedge: Since you didn’t pack anything, you think you can unpack my stuff, while I check out the hotel.
Psychic GPS: Sure. Do some scouting for us…
WEDGE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM
Colonpokey: Me too GPS. I’m going to check out the hotel…
Psychic GPS: I’m not touching anything you own Colonpokey
COLONPOKEY WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM
The Flying Pig: I guess I am going to unpack my own stuff (piggy sobs as he opens his luggage)
Psychic GPS: I will help you with your luggage Piggy…(pulling out a bottle of liquor) Um…Piggy, you brought a lot of alcohol…
The Flying Pig: (dramatically) It’s for the pain!
Psychic GPS: and pills too…(pulling out a few bottles of pills)…Piggy are you okay, you seem sort of depressed lately…
The Flying Pig: I’m fine (holding in tears)
Psychic GPS: Is this a noose?
The Flying Pig: (taking the noose) mind you own business GPS!
Psychic GPS: And a loaded gun…
The Flying Pig: So what! (defensively)
Psychic GPS: Oh…you brought a couple of books….what is this one…um…”suicide for dummies”…and this one “mass murder as an alternative to watching bad football”…Piggy, do you think you might be taking the three game losing streak a little too seriously…
The Flying Pig: Too seriously??? Do you know what it’s like to be a Dolfan! Its miserable. Do you see the way the team played the last two games…they don’t even care…and I don’t care either…I’m done with this team! I’m done with this life! GPS, I want you to give this note to Mustachio when I’m gone…(handing a crumbled note to GPS)
Psychic GPS: (reading from the note) Mustachio, please make me into prosciutto…not salami not just any ham either, the good stuff – prosciutto. And I want to be on a baguette, with a little mozzarella, pesto and sun dried tomatoes…I don’t want to watch the Dolphins ever again!
Psychic GPS: Piggy???
The Flying Pig: What…are the sun dried tomatoes too much? I can take that part out…
Psychic GPS: No Piggy! Its not the sandwich..Its your attitude…Its just a game. There is a new game on Sunday and we can beat the Seahawks…
The Flying Pig: beat the Seahawks?….are you kidding me…they have the #2 defense in the NFL in points allowed. The #3 defense in yards against! Did you see our offense the last two games?…no…me neither…(bringing his trotters to his eyes to wipe the tears)
Psychic GPS: Piggy, the trip from Seattle to Miami is the longest road trip in the NFL. Do you remember the last time a West Coast team came to Miami…We killed Oakland!
The Flying Pig: That’s because Oakland sucks zombie scrotum! Seattle is much better. They have two defensive ends with over 7 sacks.
The Flying Pig: Chris Clemons is a great success story. Seattle is like his third team and he has been getting double digits sacks for them the last few years. And don’t get me started on Bruce Irvin. He is having an immediate impact as a rookie.
Psychic GPS: Piggy, our top two pass rushers have more sacks than those two guys.
The Flying Pig: But most of those sacks are by Wake. Starks has 4.5 sacks
Psychic GPS: So…are they any less valuable…
The Flying Pig: …I guess not…
Psychic GPS: And you know how our rookie QB has struggled lately?
The Flying Pig: (turning away in denial) I noticed a little struggling…
Psychic GPS: Well, they start a rookie QB too…maybe we can shut him down…The key in the game will be stopping the Seattle run game. If we can do that, we might be able to force Russell Wilson to make mistakes.
The Flying Pig: I guess it is possible we win this game, slightly possible…thanks for cheering me up GPS
COLONPOKEY RUNS IN THE ROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM
Colonpokey: Don’t go out there!
Psychic GPS: Colonpokey…are you okay?…you turned as white as a ghost…
The Flying Pig: he is speaking in tongues
Psychic GPS: I think he is in shock. Get him some water…
PIGGY THROWS A BUCKET OF ICE WATER AT COLONPOKEY DRENCHING HIM
Psychic GPS: I meant to drink…get him water to drink (Electronic sigh)
The Flying Pig: What is it Colonpokey?
Colonpokey: it’s the hotel…it’s obscene! Don’t go out there…Don’t go out there without protection…..
Psychic GPS: (handing a towel to Colonpokey) The hotel…but it came highly recommended from Ken…
The Flying Pig: Nonsense, Colonpokey…how bad could it be?
PIGGY PUSHES COLONPOKEY ASIDE AN OPENS THE DOOR
The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAL!
Naked Old Man: Hello there…my name is Beuford, and this is my wife, Gertrude…would you like to join us?
PIGGY SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT
Psychic GPS: Colonpokey was right…what was that…is this a swingers convention.
Colonpokey: See! I told you. Its crazy! There are old swingers, skanky hookers, a bartender who won’t leave me alone, and a bunch of dudes in speedos. I’m not going out there. It’s like a war…a war of venereal diseases…I’m staying inside…
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
Psychic GPS: (through the door) Who is it?
Bartender: Hey guys its me (the sound of the bartender jumping up and down on the ground is audible through the door) Are you guys coming to the Tiki Bar?
Psychic GPS: (through the door) Um…we will be by later…
Bartender: Okay…don’t be shy…
PIGGY NERVOUSLY BEGINS UNPACKING WEDGE’S SUITCASE
Psychic GPS: What are you doing Piggy? We should be packing up and leaving
The Flying Pig: I don’t know. Anything to keep my mind off what I just saw out there…
Colonpokey: Hey look, wedge keeps a diary…(taking the diary out of the suitcase)
Psychic GPS: Colonpokey, I don’t think you should be reading that
Colonpokey: (reading from the diary) Day 1 on Earth: Met the leader of the planet. his name is Piggy Bacon. He confirms to me that pigs rule the planet. He is a flying pig and is accompanied by a psychic primitive electronic device. Device was unresponsive to all my telepathic communications. If pigs rule this planet, I do not understand why bacon is so popular. I will continue to compile reports to determine whether earth is worth saving. Prepare the Death Ray, just in case…
The Flying Pig: (reading from the diary) Day 3 on Earth: The leader of this planet always seems broke. Luckily I have been informed that loaning him money and buying his drinks is customary on this planet.
Colonpokey: (reading from the diary) Day 8 on Earth: It turns out that pigs don’t rule this planet. Piggy is on the verge of being a sandwich each week. He is virtually powerless…and fat and ugly too…
The Flying Pig: Uncool man!
Psychic GPS: Come on guys, let’s not read his stuff
Colonpokey: Oh look there is something about you GPS. (reading from the book) Day 16: There is nothing psychic about the electronic device. In fact, I believe using this device may actually remove knowledge. The device seems to have the ability to make its user….dumber…The error messages are however, very profound…
Psychic GPS: What? Let me see that diary…(reading from the diary) Day 24: A hamster has joined us. He immediately probed me. I still don’t know what he was looking for…Day 28: I have been stuck with 3 nitwits. No ability to meet world leaders. until now. I recently discovered Barney Miller. Every evening Captain Barney Miller appears on a small screen. He is introduced with what they call theme music. He never speaks directly to me but he speaks to the members of the 12th precinct. Amazingly the member of the 12th precinct report several criminal offenses and complaints which are resolved within a half hour. And it’s all done in front of a studio audience. Now that is a leader. All Hail Barnet Miller. Savior of the Earth. So long as Barney Miller patrols the Earth, we shall not obliterate the planet. Point the death ray away from planet earth.
The Flying Pig: Wow, the dude really likes Barney Miller…Hey isn’t that show…
Psychic GPS: Cancelled!… since 1982…
Colonpokey: Uh Oh…hope Wedge doesn’t realize he has been watching re-runs. Hey didn’t they pull those re-runs recently…
Psychic GPS: (reading from the diary) Day 40: Emergency report! Barney Miller has been overthrown. Now whenever I go to the screen to hear him, people named Screech, Zach and A.C. Slater bore me with bad jokes and canned laughter. One of the chicks on the screen is cute. I would love to see her in a movie about Vegas Strippers, but she plays the smart girl on the show, so that will never happen…Iit is obvious that this planet is headed for disaster…point the death ray back at Earth!
The Flying Pig: (reading from the diary) Day 50: the Miami Dolphins continue to lose. No entity should be subjected to football played this way. We must destroy the Earth before the Seattle game. I will give you exact coordinates before the game.
Psychic GPS: They are going to blow up the planet!
The Flying Pig: We have to stop him!
Colonpokey: Did you guys see anything in there about whether he was satisfied after I probed him…
WEDGE WALKS IN THE ROOM
Wedge: This is a great hotel Piggy. Make sure you thank your friend Ken.
Colonopokey: You like this place?
Wedge: Its magical. There are hookers, pimps, swingers and speedos. Earth is truly a remarkable place
The Flying Pig: Um…does that mean you aren’t going to destroy Earth
Wedge: What? How did you know about….Oh I see, you read my diary…well I guess I should come clean…I’ve decided that Earth is not worthy of a place in this universe. Have you seen the way the Dolphins have been playing lately…But I’m having so much fun at this hotel, that I am reconsidering. I guess I can wait until after the game. If the Dolphins win, I guess there is no reason to destroy the planet. Now if you don’t mind I have some probing to finish and plenty of willing participants (walking out the door)
Psychic GPS: So than this game is truly a MUST WIN or the planet dies!
The Flying Pig: Go Dolphins!