PORKLOGUE: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Tanny’s play in the 4th Qtr againstSeattle was oinkable, wouldn’t you agree? Now its time for those elitist bastards fromNew England to feel our wrath. By the way: Its my birthday on December 1, the day before the game against the Patriots and I only want one thing…
PIGGY IS SITTING ON A SOFA IN HIS BARN WHEN HE NOTICES A MAN PAINTING ON A CANVAS IN FRONT OF HIM
The Flying Pig: Excuse me??? What are you doing in my barn?
Bob Ross: I am painting the splendor of pork
The Flying Pig: Okay…Who are you?
Bob Ross: I am Bob Ross. Happy Birthday Piggy (applying paint to the canvas) Now, we have a big decision to make…where does the snout go in your world…
The Flying Pig: Okay…that explains nothing to me?
Bob Ross: take a little red and white here…just mix it together
Psychic GPS: (walking in the room) I hired him Piggy. I hired him to paint a portrait of you for your birthday.
Bob Ross: just a delicate little stroke of pink across the snout (applying paint to the canvas) and just a little bit of red…barely touch the canvas…barely touch the canvas…don’t want to set the snout on fire with too much red…
Psychic GPS: Isn’t he the best Piggy?
The Flying Pig: Do you think he is a little odd GPS?
Bob Ross: just pretend you are a whisper (applying paint to the canvas) and you are floating across the snout…
The Flying Pig: (leaving the room) not exactly what I wanted for my birthday…
PIGGY WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND SEES A CUPCAKE WITH A NOTE ON IT. HE PICKS UP THE NOTE
The Flying Pig: Mmmm a cupcake. (reading the note) “Happy Birthday Piggy! Semen Always, Colonpokey”
COLONPOKEY POPS OUT OF THE CUPCAKE AND BEGINS DANCING
The Flying Pig: Um…I was about to eat that…
Colonpokey: Piggy its me. (while dancing) This is my birthday gift to you
The Flying Pig: Eh…I don’t know what to say Colonpokey. I was going to eat the cupcake…at least the icing…
Colonpokey: Heehee (spreading icing on his chest and winking) you can have all the cupcake you want…
The Flying Pig: No thanks Colonpokey. (walking away) that isn’t really what I was wanted for my birthday.
Colonpokey: (calling to Piggy as he walks away) Wait Piggy…look at my badunk-a-dunk…isn’t it (whispering) seductive…
PIGGY IS ABOUT TO LEAVE THE KITCHEN WHEN MUSTACHIO STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM, BLOCKING HIM
Musatchio: Bonjourno Piggy!
The Flying Pig: Oh Hello Mustachio…What are you doing here.
Mustachio: Affanculo Piggy…I do not forget my good friends birthdays. I brought you a little gift. (Handing Piggy a giftwrapped box)
The Flying Pig: (unwrapping the gift) Oh a gift…what is it…oh…is this…eh…tinfoil.
Mustachio: No Piggy. It’s a jacket from very expensive material…please…put it on…
The Flying Pig: Okay (putting the tinfoil around his shoulders) but it really seems like tinfoil…
Mustachio: Oh you look so handsome Piggy. The ladies are going to love you.
The Flying Pig: Really??? It sort of feels like I just wrapped myself in tinfoil…
Mustachio: Now step inside…
The Flying Pig: Step inside what?
Mustachio: Step inside the box I made for us (pointing to the oven) It’s a little club, full of sexy ladies…
The Flying Pig: The oven?
Mustachio: No…oven…please..its a club. Step inside…The ladies will love you. You are going to be a sexy sandwich…er..I mean pig a sexy pig!
The Flying Pig: (ripping the tinfoil off) No Mustachio! I don’t want to be a sandwich…
Mustachio: Oh Piggy…wait come back…you can be so tasty…
PIGGY WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND WEDGE MEETS HIM IN THE HALL
Wedge: Happy Birthday Piggy!
The Flying Pig: Oh no…not you too
Wedge: Look what I got you. A Barney Miller box set. Seasons 1 – 8. Can you believe it was so cheap
The Flying Pig: No (sarcastically) I can’t imagine why the Barney Miller box set is not a big seller
Wedge: And this too! An Abe Vigoda poster! It came with the set! What a deal!
The Flying Pig: Oh yes, what a deal…
Wedge: Piggy…I know it’s not polite here in Earth…but on my planet we have this custom (crossing his fingers) when you get a free poster with your gift, you give the poster to your friend …its an old tradition, but an important one…do you mind if I keep the poster…
The Flying Pig: Of Course not Wedge…
Wedge: You are truly a generous Pig. I will let my planet know about your kindness. We will build death rays in your honor and destroy entire civilizations to celebrate your kindness!
Psychic GPS: Piggy we are almost done
Bob Ross: (applying the finishing touches on the painting) easy…gentle…caress it…make love to it…
The Flying Pig: You really don’t think this guy is a little odd GPS?
Bob Ross: Here it is!
Psychic GPS: Amazing
Mustachio: let’s cook it!
Wedge: It looks much better if its not next to the Abe Vigoda poster
Colonpokey: (feeling the painting) the texture of the butt feels so real…
The Flying Pig: You guys….this just isn’t what I want for my birthday…I only want one thing
Psychic GPS: What do you want Piggy
Wedge: Yes tell us…before Saved by the Bell Comes on…I don’t want to miss a minute of that show…Its no Barney Miller…but that Screech…He is always getting into trouble…
The Flying Pig: I just want one thing…just one thing
PIGGY WALKS INTO A DARK ROOM AND SITS IN FRONT OF A GRAND PIANO. A SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON PIGGY. PIGGY BEGINS PLAYING “LADY IN RED” ON THE PIANO
The Flying Pig: (singing in a high pitch voice) Never seen anyone hit you without drawing a flag, Never seen another player treated like glass
The Flying Pig: (singing) Never seen so many refs look the other way, when your offensive line holds on to jerseys, or even facemasks
Wedge: (to Mustachio) is it just me or does he sound like a 10 year old boy?
The Flying Pig: (singing) And I’ve never seen you hit hard enough or the way that blood from your face catches the light, because you play powder puff
The Flying Pig: (singing while slightly squealing) The Brady in Red is bleeding on my field (whispering), cheek to turf.
The Flying Pig: (singing) There’s nobody here, just about 3,000 fans, it’s where I wanna be…But I hardly know the beauty of seeing you hit, I’ll never forget if it happens this Sunday (Piggy stares into the darkness) and you bleed red on my field…
The Flying Pig: (singing) Never suggesting a hit should end your career By never I mean something similar to LT on Namath, (whispering) it would be sweet
Mustachio: (too Colonpokey) Piggy’s a Soprano?
The Flying Pig: (singing) Never care about what type of ligament tear it is MCL, ACL, PCL, LCL, an alphabet of knee damage, it makes no difference to me, so long as your knee is minced meat
Colonpokey: (too GPS) Is someone standing on his nuts? Why is his voice so high?
The Flying Pig: (singing) And I have never had such a feeling Such a feeling of complete and utter hatred as when you play the Dolphins. So I hope there is no healing.
The Flying Pig: (singing) The Brady in Red is bleeding on my filed, cheek to turf
The Flying Pig: (singing) There’s nobody here, just 3,000 fans, it’s where I wanna be (Piggy stands on the piano and raises his trotters tot eh sky) I hardly know whether the NFL lets the wind blow on you, But I’ll never forget, the beauty of seeing you black and blue
The Flying Pig: (singing) I never will forget the look of pain on your face The Brady in Red, The Brady in Red, My Brady in Red. My Brady in Red (whispering) I hate you
PIGGY STOP PLAYING THE PIANO AND WALKS AWAY INTO THE DARKNESS