The Porcine Oddyssey #28: Dolphins @ 49ers

PORKLOGUE: SNORT! Another loss to the Cheatriots…time to move on now. Time to kill Kaepernick…Off toCalifornia…Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

PIGGY IS JOGGING IN THE NUDE ON THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO

The Flying Pig: (to himself) I’m so glad they legalized nude jogging. Pants always get in the way

People in Car #1 Driving By: (Car horn honking) Nice sausage!

The Flying Pig: (waiving to the car) Thank you! (to himself) man its hilly inSan Francisco…(blushing) and cold too…

People in Car #2 Driving By : Hey! Nice sausage (laughing)

The Flying Pig: Thank you! (to himself) Wow its like these people have never seen a nude jogger before…

PIGGY STOPS JOGGING IN FRONT OF THE BAR HE HAD PLANNED TO MEET COLONPOKEY, PSYCHIC GPS AND WEDGE AT BEFORE THE GAME

The Flying Pig: Ah…The Toolbox…a perfect blue collar sort of dive for pregame festivities…

PIGGY WALKS INTO THE BAR. COLONPOKEY, WEDGE AND PSYCHIC GPS ARE SITTING AT THE BAR

The Flying Pig: Hey guys (waiving his trotters)

Colonpokey: Hey Piggy

Wedge: Something is different about him…

Psychic GPS: Piggy (shocked) where are your pants?

The Flying Pig: Oh, I left them at the hotel. Didn’t you hear, its legal here inNew Zealand to jog in the nude…man I love that breeze…Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Psychic GPS:New Zealand?

The Flying Pig: Yep!New Zealand,California!

Psychic GPS: Piggy…New Zealand is a country, nearAustralia…its not inCalifornia (handing Piggy a dish towel)

The Flying Pig: Oops! (putting the dish towel on)

Colonpokey: I need to dry my hands…(grabbing for the towel)

The Flying Pig: (smacking Colonpokey’s hand away) get away from me!

Colonpokey: I guess I will just put some music on the jukebox…where is it?

Psychic GPS: It’s on the east side of the bar. Walk twenty steps to your left, then turn to your left and walk 5 more steps against the wall

COLONPOKEY FOLLOWS GPS’ DIRECTIONS TO THE JUKEBOX

Wedge: Great Earthling bar…How did we find this place

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey said he knows it. And GPS told us how to get here of course…but we can’t spend too much time here…the game is about to start. Its1PM already!

Psychic GPS: No Piggy. Its1PM Eastern time. The game doesn’t start for another 3 hours. We have time to kill.

Colonpokey: (running back to the group) Guys! The game is about to begin! Its1PM.

Psychic GPS: No Colonpokey. We have three hours until the game. We crossed into the Pacific Time Zone on the flight over here…

Colonpokey: Time Zone…is that another one of your mysterious magic powers GPS? (picking up GPS and shaking him) What is the meaning of life?

Psychic GPS: Electronic Scream! Stop shaking me….

Colonpokey: Come on you evil wizard (shaking Psychic GPS) How do you change time? How do you know where to find jukeboxes? Tell me your secrets

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey (taking Psychic GPS from Colonpokey) Okay, I think we need a round of beers…

Colonpokey: So since we have extra time to kill…

The Flying Pig: yes Colonpokey…

Colonpokey: I noticed these three hot ladies near the jukebox….We should go talk to them…

Wedge: I have to go to the bathroom (Wedge abruptly leaves)

The Flying Pig: What ladies?

Colonpokey: Those ladies (pointing at a group of three women)

The Flying Pig: Its dark in here. I can barely see them. What do they look like

Colonpokey: Piggy, what do details like appearances matter anyway?…come on…

Wedge: (returning to the group) Hey guys…um…I could not find the bathroom

Colonpokey: Lets go talk to those ladies. You guys can try the George Clooney head shake.

The Flying Pig: The What?

Colonpokey: The George Clooney head shake!

Wedge: What is that?

Colonpokey: You know how ladies like George Clooney…

Wedge: Yeah, they all comment on how good looking he is?

Colonpokey: That is right…but you know what…Clooney is really ugly

(George Clooney motionless)

The Flying Pig: What? That is stupid Colonpokey…

Colonpokey: No Piggy, listen. Clooney is actually very ugly..but when he shakes his head very subtly, it hypnotizes women…and they think he is good looking…

The Flying Pig: hypnotizes??? With a head shake?

Colonpokey: A very subtle head shake…You can barely see it…try it…try it on those ladies…

The Flying Pig: Um…I guess its worth a shot…

Wedge: Wait guys…I still have to use the bathroom…I’m sorry I get really nervous when I talk to women…

Psychic GPS: The bathroom is near the jukebox…take the stairs down one level and you can’t miss it…

The Flying Pig: You wait here GPS…I’m sure this won’t take long?

Colonpkey: Yes, wait here great wizard…we honor you with our hypnotism (Colonpokey bows)

COLONPOKEY, WEDGE AND PIGGY WALK TO THE BATHROOM, THEN THEY APROACH THE THREE “LADIES” NEAR THE JUKEBOX

Wedge: Hey, (awkwardly) do you ladies like Barney Miller?

Colonpokey: Eh…better let me do the talking Wedge. (to the ladies) What are you drinking…Can I buy you ladies a round

Lady#1: Sure, they (pointing to her two friends) are drinking cosmopolitans and I am having a margarita…

Lady#2: What is a matter with your friend’s head, does he have some sort of pig neck injury…

BACK AT THE BAR PSYCHIC GPS IS ALONE

Bartender: Sorry your pals left you to talk to those…eh…ladies (pouring GPS a heavy drink)

Psychic GPS: Oh they, didn’t leave me…I wasn’t really interested in getting shot down by those ladies…

Bartender: Um…looks like they are leaving now (gesturing behind GPS)

Psychic GPS: (turning around) What?

COLONPOKEY, WEDGE AND PIGGY ARE LEAVING THE BAR WITH THE “LADIES”. COLONPOKEY SMILES AT GPS AND MAKES A HUMPING GESTURE.

The Flying Pig: We will be back before the game GPS (yelling from the other side of the bar as he walks out the front door)

Psychic GPS: Electronic Cry (placing his screen face down on the bar)

Bartender: Here you go buddy (leaving the drink) Sorry, I can’t find anymore ice cubes though…

Psychic GPS: (electronically sniffling) Oh, they are under the cocktail glasses hanging from the ceiling on the west side of the bar. You will be there in 4 seconds.

Bartender: (finding the ice) Thanks buddy!

AN ELECTRONIC TEAR FALLS DOWN GPS SCREEN

Psychic GPS: (singing and crying) When your Sunday is long and the night
The night is yours alone. When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this program, well hang on Don’t let yourself power down, Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

GPS WALKS TO THE JUKEBOX AND FLIPS THROUGH THE SONGS

Psychic GPS: (singing and crying) Everything is wrong, Now it’s time to sing along
When your Sunday is night alone (hold on, hold on) If you feel like letting go (hold on). When you think you’ve had too much of this program, well hang on

GPS QUICKLY DOWNS HIS DRINK

Psychic GPS: (singing and crying) Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your screen. Oh, no. Don’t throw your screen.

GPS PUTS HIS GLASS ON THE BAR AND SIGNALS FOR THE BARTENDER TO REFILL HIS GLASS

Psychic GPS: (singing and crying) When your team is playing the NFL’s leader in points against. And They struggle to score points against the Buffalo Bills. Don’t let yourself power down, Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

THE BARTENDER REFILLS THE GLASS

Psychic GPS: (singing and crying) When your team is playing the second coach this season who declined a to be their own head coach, and that coach is admired as an offensive genius. When your team passed up Collin Kaepernick in the draft, in favor of giving Chad Henne one more shot, Don’t let yourself power down, Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

GPS INHALES ANOTHER DRINK

Psychic GPS: (singing and crying) Everything is wrong, Now it’s time to sing along
When your Sunday is night alone (hold on, hold on) If you feel like letting go (hold on)
When you think you’ve had too much of this program, well hang on

PSYCHIC GPS WIPES AWAY HIS ELECTRONIC TEARS

Wedge: What happened while I was gone GPS

Psychic GPS: Oh…you are back?

Wedge: Yes…something came up, while I was with one of the ladies…it’s a little embarrassing…

Psychic GPS: What is it?

Wedge: Well (embarrassed) …what am I supposed to do with the Earthling penis?

Psychic GPS: penis?

THE FRONT DOOR OF THE BAR SLAMS OPEN AND PIGGY RUNS INS FRANTICALLY

The Flying Pig: (running around in circles around the bar) SQUEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLL! It’s a man! Those ladies are not ladies! SQUEEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!

Psychic GPS: What…Piggy…What happened?

The Flying Pig: ((breathing heavy and frightened) They are dudes! We have to go! (grabbing GPS’s drink and chugging it) Let’s get out of this place now!

Wedge: We should wait for Colonpokey?

Psychic GPS: Yes, let’s wait for Colonpokey. He will probably come right in when he realizes they are men…

THREE HOURS LATER

The Flying Pig: Well, Colonpokey is not back and its kickoff time. Let’s go. Go Dolphins!

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