PORKLOGUE: #30. I already feel old. SNORT! This week Wedge, GPS, Colonpokey and myself are off to Foxboro to raid the castle – so we aren’t in this week’s Oddyssey, but we have a guest appearance from a hawk from Iowa some of you know. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
MUSTACHIO IS SITTING IN A CHAIR IN FRONT OF A DESK IN AN OFFICE. HE IS PEEKING OUT OF THE WINDOW THROUGH THE VENETIAN BLINDS. MUSTACHIO IS VISIBLY UPSET.
Mustachio: Oh Mi Sento Male…say it’s not so…please, it cannot be…my lovely deli slicer…
DIGGS P.I. WALKS IN THE OFFICE AND SITS DOWN AT THE DESK IN FRONT OF MUSTACHIO. HE HAS A STACK OF FRESHLY DEVELOPED PHOTOGRAPHS
Diggs, P.I.: I’m sorry Mustachio (dropping the photos on the desk so they are visible to Mustachio)
THE FIRST PHOTOGRAPH REVEALS MRS. MUSTACHIO IN A COMPROMISING POSITION WITH A FOUR BLADE RAZOR
Mustachio: Oh No…Uffa! Che Schifo!
A SECOND PHOTOGRAPH REVEALS AN EVEN MORE COMPRIMISING POSITION BETWEEN MRS. MUSTACHIO AND THE OTHER RAZOR
(Mrs. Mustachio’s concubine)
Mustachio: Mio Dio! (falling to his knees)
THE THIRD AND FINAL PHOTOGRAPH REVEALS MRS. MUSTACHIO AND THE OTHER RAZOR ENJOYING A HAM SANDWHICH TOGETHER
Mustachio: (grabbing the blinds and squeezing them) Affanculo! (Mustachio bites the blinds in frustration)
Diggs, P.I.: (Pulling Mustachio away from the blinds)Alright, enough is enough Mustachio. You can’t eat the venetian blinds I just had them installed on Wednesday.
DIGGS PULLS A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH OUT FROM UNDER HIS DESK AND POURS MUSTACHIO A GLASS
Diggs, P.I.: Down the hatch!
Mustachio: (after downing a shot) She’s no good…una schifosa…una gustafave…in culo!
Diggs, P.I.: What can I tell you kid, you are right. When you’re right, you’re right. Don’t give her another thought (pushing Mustachio out of his office)…not another thought (pushing Mustachio outside the door) She’s no good (closing the door on Mustachio)
Mustachio: (from outside the door) Un pompano!…Una brutta! (walking down the hall and out of the building)
Diggs, P.I.: (sighing to himself and sitting down) If I have to hear one more hard luck story…
AT THAT MOMENT THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE OFFICE DOOR. A BUFFALO BILLS FANS OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS IN THE OFFICE
Dumpy: Mr. Diggs?
Diggs, P.I.: Sorry, closed up for the day buddy.
Dumpy: Are you Diggs, P.I.?
Diggs, P.I.: Didn’t you hear me I said we are clo…hey what is that smell…Is that
Dumpy: Sun block! Yes it is. SPF 475. I just arrived here in Miami from Buffalo and bathed it before I came. I don’t want to get burned
Diggs, P.I.: Its so much…
Dumpy: I tried to take away the smell with hot sauce….a little in my hair, a little on my neck…
Diggs, P.I.: That is disgusting. You have to get out of my office!
Dumpy: I’m from Buffalo. We are all this disgusting in Buffalo. I’m sorry. It’s not personal (Dumpy farts) Its just our way…
Diggs, P.I.: Okay…how do I get rid of you?
Dumpy: (walking in the room and sitting in front of Diggs) Well I hear you are a great private investigator. I’m trying to find out what happened…what happened to the Bills?
Diggs, P.I.: What do you mean?
Dumpy: Well, we were picked by many experts as playoff contenders…but we are 5-9!
Diggs, P.I.: Hey buddy, you don’t have to have Hawkeyes to know what is wrong with the Bills. They just suck
Dumpy: But I don’t understand, we went to 4 Super Bowls
Diggs, P.I.: Yeah, in the 90’s
Dumpy: What year is it now?
Diggs, P.I.: Um…2012
Dumpy: Oh my god, 2012… What happened to the last 19 years?
Diggs, P.I.: Look buddy. I am sorry that you are disgusting and your team sucks. But there isn’t much I can do to help you
Dumpy: Please tell me…Why do we suck? Jim Kelley is a Hall of Famer
Diggs, P.I.: Jim Kelley is not your QB anymore. Now you have Ryan Fitzpatrick, an 8 year veteran who has a 76.7 career passing rating. On the bright side he is a Harvard graduate…who happens to suck too
Dumpy: Fitzpatrick? Who is that. Did we draft a QB in 2011. Do we have some potential?
Diggs, P.I.: Eh…no…that is my team.
Dumpy: And our receivers? Do we still run the run and shoot
Diggs, P.I.: Run and Shoot? No one says that anymore…Your top receiver is Steve Johnson. He is okay I guess…But after him….eh
Dumpy: And our defense?
Diggs, P.I.: Your defense? (Diggs begins to uncontrollably laugh) 402 points this season…tied for worst in the NFL with the Oakland Raiders…I mean Mario Williams has 10.5 sacks. I guess if you pay a guy 96 million dollars he should…
Dumpy: 96 Million?
Diggs, P.I.: Oh, (laughing) don’t worry…only 50 Million is guaranteed
Dumpy: Oh, it can’t be…
Diggs, P.I.: Okay. There you have it. Now get out of my office…Go Dolphins!