PORKLOGUE: The season is over…sniffle sniffle…just one more game…who do we play? Oh yeah. The Cheatriots. Vengeance is mine! Oink!
PIGGY, WEDGE, COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS ARE ABOUT 100 YARDS AWAY FROM FOXBORO CASTLE. THEY ARE WEARING ARMOR AND ARE ARMED. CATAPULT FIRE SURROUNDS THEM AS DO THE SHELLS OF MANY FALLEN CRUSTACEANS.
The Great Northeast Lobster: Piggy, Wedge, GPS and Hamster…thank you for joining my rebellion…
The Giant Crab of Boston: Our rebellion. We can use all the claws you can offer
The Flying Pig: (holding up his trotters) eh…my claws are committed to our cause. Down with the Cheatriots!
The Giant Crab of Boston: We have been fighting this war all season. This attack on Foxboro Castle has cost us shellfish dearly. Leading it has been no easy task
The Great Northeast Lobster: Yes, crab, leading this attack has worn me down
The Giant Crab of Boston: You? Leading? It is I who took the fiddler crabs and the oysters to clear the drawbridge entrance. We crushed the Foxboro Imperial Guard and opened a path across the drawbridge
The Great Northeast Lobster: Ay… but it was I that lead the crawfish and mussels over the drawbridge allowing our army to get this close!
The Clam Delegate: Enough! The shells of our crustacean brothers and sisters litter the grounds around us and you two continue to bicker. We must take the castle now. We have a plan Piggy. The Little Prawn will explain our plan to you
THE LITTLE PRAWN STEPS IN FRONT OF PIGGY, WEDGE, COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS. THE PRAWN MOVES HIS MOUTH AND ARMS TO SPEAK BUT ONLY A BARELY AUDIABLE SQUEAKING NOISE CAN BE HEARD
Wedge: What is he saying?
Colonpokey: I don’t know I can’t hear a word he is saying
The Clam Delegate: Okay! Everyone knows what they are supposed to do. Yes? Okay, Let’s go!
THE CLAM DELEGATE GOES ONE WAY AND AN ARMY OF MUSSELS AND CLAMS FOLLOWS HIM. THE GREAT CRAB OF BOSTON GOES ANOTHER WAY AND AN ARMY OF CRABS AND PRAWNS FOLLOW HIM. THE LITTLE PRAWN GOES ANOTHER WAY AND TAKES HALF A DOZEN SHELLFISH WITH HIM.
The Flying Pig: Wait? What are we doing? What’s the plan?
PIGGY, WEDGE, GPS AND COLONPOKEY STARE AT EACH OTHER HAVING NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. FINALLY, THE GREAT NORTHEAST LOBSTER TAPS PIGGY ON THE SHOULDER
The Great Northeast Lobster: What are you guys waiting for? Come with me. The war hinges on us now.
The Flying Pig: Where are we going (following the lobster)
The Great Northeast Lobster: Don’t you guys listen…We are meeting my cousin the Mediocre Florida Lobster. He will open the back gates for us. He knows the combination to the back entrance. Meanwhile the Clam will take his army to the West Wall, while the Crab takes his army to the East Wall. But the most dangerous mission will go to the Prawn and his small group of assassins. While the guards are distracted by the barrage of claws on the East and West walls, the Prawn and his special forces will go right down the middle and open the gates to the East and West Walls so that the other crustaceans can enter. Meanwhile we are going through the back. Piggy, you and your friends will get the chance to take out King Belicheat, Lady Tom, the Commissioner and Duke Kraft yourself. Ahh (pointing with his claw) Here is my cousin. (whispering) No matter what you do, don’t mention anything about his lack of claws. He is very sensitive
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Sir Piggy it is an honor to meet you. The rebellion needs you!
The Flying Pig: Sir? No need for those formalities (holding out his trotter to shake trotters)
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: (staring at Piggy’s trotter) Is that supposed to be funny?
The Flying Pig: What?
Psychic GPS: Piggy…(whispering)remember he has no claws…
The Great Northeast Lobster: (putting his claw over Piggy’s trotter) Cousin…He doesn’t mean anything by it. Take us to the back entrance. For the Shellfish! (raising his claws)
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: For the shellfish! (raising his tail) It’s this way…
THE FLORIDA LOBSTER LEADS THEM TO A SMALL DOOR IN THE BACK OF THE CASTLE. THE GATE IS LOCKED AND A COMBINATION LOCK IS ON THE DOOR.
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Here it is?
Psychic GPS: It’s locked!
The Great Northeast Lobster: (laughing) Hah Hah Hah, GPS. My cousin has the combination
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: (hanging his head down low) Many shellfish became appetizers to obtain this combination…And they have told me the combination. It’s ours now. May their souls rest in peace
THE FLORIDA LOBSTER TURNS TO THE LOCK AND THE COMBINATION. BECAUSE HE HAS NO CLAWS HE HAS A DIFFICULT TIME FINDING THE LOCK
The Flying Pig: Uh…maybe I should
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: No! (defensively) I can do it. I just have to turn the dial to the right number (fumbling with the lock while he holds it by pressing the lock between his tail and his mouth) just a little while
Colonpokey: Isn’t that going to take a long time
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: No. I remember the combination and won’t need any time. I just have to turn the dial to the right numbers
Wedge: Are you sure you don’t want someone else to turn the dials on the lock
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Don’t be silly. Many shellfish have died for this combination. It’s the least I can do
Psychic GPS: But…
The Great Northeast Lobster: (interrupting) just let him do it guys…trust me…
The Flying Pig: But it will take forever… he has no…
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: (Dropping the lock angrily) No What! No What! Go ahead, say it! You were going to say I can’t do it because I have no claws! (shaking his head) I expected better of you Sir Piggy
The Flying Pig: No I wasn’t gonna mention claws…I was going to say, eh, “no reason to stop”…go ahead
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: I thought so…now I have to start all over…please keep quiet
Colonpokey: Heehee, we just thought you might need a hand
THE FLORIDA LOBSTER JUMPS ON COLONPOKEY. COLONPOKEY FALLS TO THE GROUND. HE SLAPS COLONPOKEY WITH HIS TAIL
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Do you want to fight me hamster! Do you know what it’s like to be a lobster with no claws…seeing all your friends die for their delicious claw meat. I learned to kill with my tail hamster…want to see?
The Great Northeast Lobster: (pulling his cousin off Colonpokey) Cousin…he didn’t mean anything. The lock…remember the cause
THE FLORIDA LOBSTER BEGINS TO CLUMSILY WORK ON THE LOCK AGAIN
1 HOUR LATER
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Got it
Psychic GPS: All right! Let’s go in the castle
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Got the first number in. Just 7 more to go!
Psychic GPS: Oh…Electronic sigh
ALONG THE CENTRAL GATE, THE LITTLE PRAWN IS LEADING A SMALL GROUP OF SHELLFISH INTO THE CASTLE. THE LITTLE PRAWN AND SIX ASSASINS ARE ON A LEDGE OVERLOOKING TWO GUARDS TALKING
Guard #1: Man this job sucks
Guard #2: I know. Guardian a lever for the gates…boring…nothing ever happens here
Guard #1: I wish we had Ted’s job
Guard #2: What does he do?
Guard #1: Ted? Oh he is the Imperial Guard in charge of the brush?
Guard #2: The brush?
Guard #1: Yeah…you know the brush? Lady Tom’s brush. He gets to brush Lady Tom’s hair all day (sigh)
Guard#2: He must be the luckiest man in New England!
Guard #1: I know. Can you imagine brushing his beautiful locks all day (sigh) Lady Tom is dreamy
THE LITTLE PRAWN SILENTLY LEAPS DOWN LANDING ON GUARD #1’S SHOULDER AND QUICKLY SNAPS HIS NECK. GUARD #1 FALLS TO THE GROUND DEAD
Guard #2: Gary? What happened? Why is there a shrimp on your shoulder?
THE LITTLE PRAWN PICKS UP A 3 FOOT LONG DOUBLE HANDED AXE, SWINGS IT AT GUARD #2 AND BEHEADS HIM
The Little Prawn: They call me PRAWN! (kicking the rolling head aside)
THE LITTLE PRAWN PULLS THE LEVER RAISING THE GATES. SHELLFISH ON THE EAST AND WEST GATES BEGIN TO OVERWHELM THE CASTLE GUARD. THE PRAWN SIGNALS FOR HIS SIX ASSASSINS TO JOIN HIM ON THE GROUND. THEY ALL JUMP DOWN. THE PRAWN BEGINS TO SPEAK WITH THEM BUT ONLY A SQUEAKING NOISE CAN BE HEARD
Clam Assassin: What are you saying?
Crab Assassin: I think he is saying notify the others that the gates are up?
Lobster Assassin: Yes, notify the others and the Little Prawn wants us to go there quickly, jumping out the window
Clam Assassin: So dangerous, we could fall to our deaths…but we are trained assassins…
Crab Assassin: I fear no order that the Little Prawn gives (jumping out the window and falling to his death)
Lobster Assassin: For the Shellfish! (jumping out of the window and falling to his death)
THE REMAINING FOUR SHELLFISH FOLLOW THE CRAB AND LOBSTER EACH FALLING TO THEIR DEATH.
The Little Prawn: (sigh) I said take the stairs!
BACK AT THE BACK ENTRANCE ANOTHER HOUR LATER
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: I got it!
The Flying Pig: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Let’s go in!
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: The third number is set. Only 5 more left!
The Flying Pig: Oh…
INSIDE THE CASTLE DINING ROOM THE COMMISIONER IS TALKING TO LADY TOM AND DUKE KRAFT
Duke Kraft: You guys want to see another picture of my young girlfriend (holding up a framed photo)
Commissioner: Sure. Hey isn’t that your late wife’s initials on the frame?
Duke Kraft: Yes. Let’s have a moment to remember her…while we drool over my younger girlfriend
King Belicheat: (running in the room) The shellfish have overrun the castle. We have to flee the castle now!
Duke Kraft: Where will we go?
King Belicheat: North…anywhere but her
Lady Tom: Will I be able to take bubble baths at another castle?
King Belicheat: (bringing his hand to Lady Tom’s face) I am sorry pumkin, you will have to give up certain things…
Lady Tom: (crying) I don’t want to give up bubble baths! Let’s stay here and fight!
Duke Kraft: No Lady Tom. Fighting will mean contact.
The Commissioner: And we don’t want anyone to make contact with you
King Belicheat: we should go in different directions, split up anyone pursuing us. Then we will meet at the rendezvous point. There are three exits from the dining room. I will go down the exit on the right. Duke, you and the commissioner go down the one on the left…
Lady Tom: And I will go down the one in the middle, that way I can stop by my room and pick up by collection of unicorns and Barbies! (running down to the middle exit)
EACH OF THE FOUR MEN GO THROUGH THEIR RESPECTIVE EXITS
BACK AT THE BACK ENTRANCE ANOTHER TWO HOURS LATER THE FLORIDA LOBSTER IS STILL WORKING ON THE COMBINATION. PIGGY IS WAITING IMPATIENTLY. GPS IS READING WAR AND PEACE. WEDGE IS SLEEPING. COLONPOKEY HAS JUST FINSIHED KNITTING A SWEATER.
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: That fifth one was a tough one!
ANOTHER TWO HOURS LATER
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: That’s the last one. We are in!
Wedge: (pushing the lobster aside and running in) Finally!
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Follow the path. It goes to the dining hall!
Psychic GPS: (running down the path) Oh no! Look at all those guards!
Colonpokey: Fear not evil wizard. I got this!
COLONPOKEY FIRES A MACHINE GUN ON HIS BACK MOWING DOWN HUNDREDS OF GUARDS BLOCKING THE PATH. PIGGY, COLONPOKEY, WEDGE, GPS AND THE TWO LOBSTERS ENTER THE DINING ROOM REALIZING IT IS EMPTY
Psychic GPS: They are gone!
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Maybe I took a little too long…
The Flying Pig: Maybe…
Wedge: There are only three exits. They must have gone down one of them. Let’s split up and find them
PIGGY AND COLONPOKEY GO THROUGH THE EXIT ON THE RIGHT. GPS, WEDGE AND THE TWO LOBSTERS GO DOWN THE EXIT ON THE LEFT. NO ONE GOES THROUGH THE CENTER EXIT.
PIGGY AND COLONPOKEY FIND THEMSELVES IN A ROOM HIGH IN THE CASTLE. THEY SEE KING BELICHEAT BUT HE IS SURROUNDED BY A DOZEN ELITE GUARDS
King Belicheat: (ordering the guards) Kill the pig and the rodent!
SIR PIGGY AND SIR COLONPOKEY DEFEAT THE DOZEN GUARDS EASILY AND APPROCACH KIND BELICHEAT
The Flying Pig: Its over for you King.
King Belicheat: Okay…okay…I surrender…hey what is that (pointing behind Colonpokey)
Colonpokey: Oh that? (turning around) Oh that is the castle wall. Hey don’t you live he…(being pushed down by the King Belicheat with his back turned)
WITH COLONPOKEY ON THE GROUND THE KING RAISES HIS SWORD TO PIGGY
King Belicheat: To the death!
KING BELICHEAT AND PIGGY CLASH SWORDS. THEY MOVE AROUND THE ROOM. PIGGY KNOCKS THE SWORD FROM THE KING’S HANDS BUT THE KING THROWS DIRT IN PIGGY’S EYES. WHILE PIGGY WIPES HIS EYES, THE KING RECOVERS HIS SWORD. AGAIN PIGGY KNOCKS THE SWORD OUT OF THE KING’S HANDS, THIS TIME THE KING GOUGES AT PIGGY’S EYES AND TRIPS HIM. THE KING RECOVERS HIS SWORD AGAIN. PIGGY KNOCKS THE SWORD OUT AGAIN AND THIS TIME THE KING FALLS TO HIS KNEES. PIGGY BRINGS HIS SWORD TO THE KING’S NECK.
The Flying Pig: Now…This time it’s over for you.
King Belicheat: Wait…I have something to say….Piggy…I…I…I am your father
The Flying Pig: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (falling to his knees)
Colonpokey: (standing up) eh…Piggy…that doesn’t even make sense…He is human…
The Flying Pig: I guess you make a good point Colonpokey…but you know some people say I look a little like Brad Pitt…
Colonpokey: You do look like Brad Pitt….if he was fat and ugly…
The Flying Pig: I’m not fat Colonpokey! It’s the holidays you know…
AS COLONPOKEY AND PIGGY ARGUE KING BELICHEAT TAKES OUT A PISTOL HE WAS HIDING, POINTS IT AT PIGGY AND FIRES
Colonpokey: Piggy! (leaping in front of the bullet)
THE BULLET HITS COLONPOKEY INSTEAD OF PIGGY AND COLONPOKEY FALLS TO THE FLOOR. PIGGY HOLDS COLONPOKEY UP. AS PIGGY IS HOLDING COLONPOKEY, KING BELICHEAT FLEES THE CASTLE
Colonpokey: (gasping for air) Piggy…
The Flying Pig: Colonpokey…you took the bullet for me! You saved me…and now you are dying…
Colonpokey: (gasping for air) Piggy, you can save me now…there is one way…
The Flying Pig: Anything Colonpokey…name it
Colonpokey: (gasping for air) Put me in your butt…the butt has regenerative powers…
The Flying Pig: My butt…really?
DOWN THE EXIT ON THE LEFT GPS, WEDGE AND THE TWO LOBSTERS TRY TO CONFRONT DUKE KRAFT AND THE COMMISIONER, BUT THEY ARE TOO LATE. THE COMMISIONER AND DUKE KRAFT ARE PICKED UP IN CAR AND DRIVEN AWAY FROM THE CASTLE. THEY WALK BACK TO THE DINING ROOM DISAPPOINTED
Wedge: they got away
Psychic GPS: We were too slow
THE LITTLE PRAWN, THE CLAM DELEGATE AND THE GIANT CRAB OF BOSTON ENTER THE DINING ROOM AS WELL AS THE REMAINING LIVING SHELLFISH
The Clam Delegate: We have won the battle. All the guards are either dead or have fled the castle.
The Great Lobster of the Northeast: The castle is ours
PIGGY WALKS IN THE DINING ROOM. HE IS VISIBLY WALKING FUNNY
The Flying Pig: What the fuck are we going to do with a castle?
Wedge: Piggy, are you okay…you seem to be walking funny
Psychic GPS: Did you get hurt in battle
The Flying Pig: Oh me (defensively) I’m fine…I’m fine
Psychic GPS: Where is Colonpokey?
The Flying Pig: eh…I don’t know…did you guys see him…
Wedge: Piggy, are you sure you are okay?
The Clam Delegate: I see the hamster!
Psychic GPS: What? where?
The Clam Delegate: There (pointing at Piggy’s butt)
The Mediocre Florida Lobster: Um, I do believe the pig has a dead hamster in his butt…
COLONPOKEY FALLS OUT OF PIGGY’S BUTT
Colonpokey: Thank you Piggy…heehee
Psychic GPS: He is dead…
The Flying Pig: King Belicheat shot him, right before he got away
Wedge: Why was he in your butt…
The Flying Pig: Eh…to heal him…Colonpokey told me the butt has healing powers…
Psychic GPS: Any you believed him?
EVERYONE BEGINS TO LAUGH AT PIGGY
The Giant Crab of Boston: Guys this is a glorious day. They will songs of our victory and the day Sir Piggy was sodomized by a rodent. We should celebrate
The Flying Pig: Um…we don’t need to tell anyone about the rodent sodomy part…I don’t really need any songs about me
Unusual Crab: Hey everyone! The best way to celebrate the victory is to jump in this hot tub. It’s the traditional shellfish way
The Giant Crab of Boston: You are an unusual looking crab. I don’t remember you at the a battle
The Great Northeast Lobster: I’ve never heard about that tradition?
Unusual Crab: Its an old tradition! Its what shellfish do! Jump in
THE LITTLE PRAWN JUMPS UP AND DOWN IN FRONT OF THE HOT TUB. HE IS SQUEAKING BUT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HE IS SAYING
The Giant Crab of Boston: The Little Prawn agrees with the tradition
The Great Northeast Lobster: He says jump in
THE SHELLFISH, EXCEPT THE LITTLE PRAWN, IN THE ROOM JUMP IN THE HOT TUB. THE UNSUAL CRAB PUTS A LID ON THE HOT TUB…ER….POT
The Little Prawn: I said, don’t get in. It’s a pot of boiling water. He is a human dressed as a crab!
Unusual Crab: Thanks for the Chowdah! (running out of the castle with the pot in his hands)
The Flying Pig: Oh great…this mission was a complete failure. Colonpokey died, all the shellfish are chowder, King Belicheat, the Commisioner and the Duke escaped and we have this castle we don’t know what to do with. It’s like the Dolphins season after we were eliminated from the playoffs…what’s the point now!
Lady Tom: (walking in the dining room from the center exit) Hey, did any of you guys see my red mini-skirt? I can’t find it…
PIGGY, WEDGE, THE LITTLE PRAWN AND GPS ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN LOOK AT LADY TOM. THEY ALL JUMP ON LADY TOM AND BEGIN TO BEAT HIM THOUROUGHLY
The Flying Pig: Go Dolphins!