PORKLOUGUE: Um todays Oddyssey went downhill pretty fast as I started to lament about going 7-9. But congratulations to all the award winners…Oink!
Piglet: Pap Pig, can I watch TV
Papa Pig: No, piglet its past your bed time
Piglet : But the Oinkies are about to come on
Papa Pig: The Oinkies!…turn on the tv!
Momma Pig: Papa Pig! Are you crazy? Look how late it is. The Oinkies are a horrible influence too!
Piglet: Please Momma Pig
Momma Pig: Well, there is no school tomorrow and I do want to see what Miss Piggy is wearing
Papa Pig: Alright! (turning on the tv)
Announcer: Welcome to the first annual Oinkies. The most glamorous night in the barn. Today’s A list celebrities will be awarding some of your favorite Miami Dolphins some of the most coveted awards in all oinks. And not just that, no Chiefs will win any of these awards. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Audience: Weeeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (clapping their trotters) Weeeeeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeeeeee
Announcer: Please welcome your first presenters tonight, awarding the Golden Squiggly Award, Wedge and Psychic GPS
Wedge: The Golden Squiggly Tail is awarded to the Miami Dolphin skill player who leaves the most defenders chasing his tail.
Psychic GPS: And the nominees are, Reggie Bush, Brian Hartline and Legadu Nannee
The Audience: (Laughing) Nannee
Psychic GPS: Well, we needed three nominees
Wedge: And the award goes to…Brian Hartline winner of the Golden Squiggly Tail
(The Golden Squiggly Tail)
Announcer: And now to award the Snoutsmasher to the best Dolphins defender: Diggs, P.I. and Mustachio
Diggs: The Snoutsmasher is awarded to the most tenacious defender on the Miami Dolphins
Mustachio: Affanculo I would like to smash that two timing whore’ snout
Diggs: Okay Mustachio, this may not be the place for it…
Mustachio: Una Brutta (brining a handkerchief to his eye) like I was nothing to her…
Diggs: Awkward…okay and the nominees are Cameron Wake, Karlos….
Mustachio: I’m going to kill her!
Diggs: Karlos Dansby and Reshad Jones…and the winner is
Mustachio: Cameron Wake! Good for you…at least your wife is not two timing you like the deli slicer bitch… (Mustachio begins to cry)
Announcer: And now, in honor of our fallen fury friend, to award the Colonpokey Memorial Poker, please welcome Nanapokey (the audience is quiet, some pigs are crying)
Nanapokey: Oh hello there my pig friends. I miss my little Colonpokey so much. But I take solace knowing that he hasn’t really left us. There is a little Colonpokey in all of us, especially Piggy who inserted Colonpokey in his butt just before his death…stupid pig…(laughing) Well, the Colonpokey Memorial Poker is awarded to the opponent with the highest hamster ratio. This year we considered a lot of manginas. Richard Gere is always a strong candidate and then of course, there is Tom Brady and his lovely locks. But we all know, that the only person the poker can go to is Marc Sanchez. Congratulations Marc, you truly suck. Please join me in remembering Colonpokey by honoring Marc Sanchez.
(The Colonpokey Memorial Poker)
Announcer: And now to award the tiny piglet award, please welcome the bust of Lionel Ritchie and Killroy Pig
The Bust of Lionel Ritchie: Hello
Killroy Pig: Beep Beep Beep. Check Down
The Bust of Lionel Ritchie: The Tiny Piglet is awarded to the best Dolphins rookie. There are one, twice, three times of nominees and they are, Ryan Tannehill, Olivier Vernon and Jonathan Martin…and the winner is…
Killroy Pig: Beep Beep
The Bust of Lionel Ritchie: Ryan Tannehill
(The Tiny Piglet)
Announcer: And now performing his smash hit, the Little Prawn
THE LITTLE PRAWN COMES ON TO THE STAGE. HE IS SINGING AND DANCING BUT ONLY A BARELY AUDIBLE SQUEAKING CAN BE HEARD
Audience Member #1: Is he singing?
Audience Member #2: I think so. I can’t hear him. Every year you get the cheapest seats!
THE LITTLE PRAWN BOWS. WHEN THE AUDIENCE REALIZES HE IS FINISHED THE CLAP THEIR TROTTERS
Announcer: And now for our final award of the night please welcome Piggy Bacon and Miss Piggy
THE FLYING PIG WALKS ON THE STAGE BY HIMSELF
The Flying Pig: Um…Miss Piggy won’t be joining us tonight…something about a restraining order…against me…(under his breath) that cunt
Announcer: Eh…Piggy…your microphone is on
The Flying Pig: Oops…The coveted Grande Wings are awarded to the Dolphins player who is the most valuable to the team. Like the Flying Pig, Snort, myself, the winner of the Grande Wings is overlooked by many, but the most important to the team. It’s the most coveted Oinkie! The nominees are, Brand Fields, Mike Pouncey and Randy Starks. And the winner is…the winner is…the winner is…
(The Grande Wings)
THE AUDIENCE EAGERLY AWAITS PIGGY TO READ THE WINNER TO THEM
The Flying Pig: the winner is………..(Piggy rips up the envelope and rips off his pants) My Bojangles bitches!
Announcer: Eh Piggy…that is not very funny….
The Flying Pig: You shut your mouth, you know we wanted Ryan Seacrest to host this thing!
(Turned down the Oinkees)
A LARGE SCREACHING SOUND FROM THE SPEAKERS IS HEARD AND THE SOUND OF THE ANNOUNCER CRYING AND HIS MICROPHONE HITTING THE FLOOR CAN BE HEARD OVER THE SPEAKERS
The Flying Pig: I’m so tired of this bullshit! 7 and 9. Fuck this ! I can’t take this losing anymore! Why are you all looking at me! I have never seen so many pigs with a stupid looks on their faces. I feel like I am talking to a crowd of genital warts! You want to know who won the Grande Wings?…Okay I will tell you…under one condition…
THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE ALL STARE AT PIGGY WAITING TO HEAR THE CONDITION
PIGGY FARTS AND WALKS OFF THE STAGE
BACK AT THE PIG FAMILY’S HOUSE
Momma Pig: Um…maybe this is not appropriate for Piglet…
Papa Pig: Um…yeah, probably not…okay Piglet off to bed…(turning off the TV hen turning to Momma Pig and speaking) Don’t worry I bet he didn’t even notice…
Piglet: Okay Momma and Papa Pig, but under one condition…
PIGLET FARTS AND WALKS OUT THE ROOM TO HIS BED
(First time farter)
BACK AT THE OINKIES
The Flying Pig: (walking back on stage) You pigs make me sick! The whole world makes me sick. Four straight years of losing records…
Wedge: (offstage and to GPS) Think we should stop him
Psychic GPS: (offstage and to Wedge) Nah…he has a breakdown like this every week…its sort of fun to watch…
The Flying Pig: I’m gonna burn the whole place down!
PIGGY POURS GASOLINE ON THE STAGE AND LIGHTS A MATCH. FIRST THE CURATINS CATCH FIRE THEN THE ENTIRE STAGE AND AUDITORIUM IS ENGULFED IN FLAMES
The Flying Pig: eh…that happened a lot faster than I expected…Squeeeeeaaaaaal (Piggy begins to run in circles panicking)
Psychic GPS: Electronic Scream! Everyone run!
Wedge: The entire place in on fire
Audience Member #3: Squeeeeeal!
Diggs P.I.: Squawk!
Audience Member #4: Squeeeeeal!
Nanapokey: Oh I think I am having a hot flash…why is everyone running?
The Little Prawn: …
Audience Member #5: What’s that?
The Little Prawn: …
Audience Member #5: I can’t hear you…are you talking to me?
The Little Prawn: …
THE FLAMING CEILING COLLAPSES ON AUDIENCE MEMBER #5 KILLING HIM
Audience Member #5: SQUEEEEEEEEAAAAAAL!
The Little Prawn: I said, lookout! (sigh)
Wedge: Its horrible!
Mustachio: I know, all this ham…wasted…
Audience Member #6: I’m burning I am burning!
THE NEXT DAY IN JAIL, PIGGY IS SITTING IN A CELL
The Flying Pig: Well, last night wasn’t as glamorous as I planned it…but they can never take my dreams away from me…
The Flying Pig: So I drifted…
The Flying Pig: And drifted…
The Flying Pig: Deeply drifting away…
The Flying Pig: Until I saw my dream in front of me…Someday my Dolphins will have the dream…Go Dolphins!