PIGGY, PSYCHIC GPS AND WEDGE ARE SITTING TOGETHER AFTER COLONPOKEY’S FUNERAL
The Flying Pig: What a sad day…
Psychic GPS: We will miss that little hamster…
Wedge: I’m so sad…I’m going to call Kekua. She always makes me feel better…
WEDGE LEAVES THE ROOM TO CALL KEKUA
Wedge: Kekua…it’s me Wedge…
Kekua’s Voice: Hello sweetie…I miss you
Wedge: I miss you too…today was a sad day
Kekua’s Voice: it must have been sad burying your friend
Wedge: it was very sad
Kekua’s Voice: eh…where is he buried again?
Wedge: I told you already Kekua (laughing) in the graveyard behind the barn…why do you keep asking me that?
Kekua’s Voice: Oh, no reason…Wedge, I have something to tell you…some bad news…
Wedge: What is it sweetie?
Kekua’s Voice: Wedge, I’m dying…
Kekua’s Voice: I have a terminal disease
Wedge: No! It can’t be!
Kekua’s Voice: I’m sorry Wedge, its true
Wedge: I can’t believe it! How long do you have?
Kekua’s Voice: Not long…
Wedge: It can’t be true!
Kekua’s Voice: Actually I’m dying right now
Wedge: Right now?
Kekua’s Voice: Yes, right now…I’m dying now
Kekua’s Voice: I’m dying…eh…now I’m dead
Wedge: What! No Kekua!
Kekua’s Voice: I can’t hear you Wedge on account of the fact that I am dead (Kekua hangs up)
WEDGE REALIZES THAT KEKUA IS GONE AND BEGINS CRYING. HE WALKS OUT CRYING INTO THE ROOM WHERE PIGGY AND GPS ARE WATCHING THE WALKING DEAD ON TV
Wedge: You guys….Kekua is dead (sniffle sniffle)
The Flying Pig: Whoa (staring at the TV)
Wedge: (crying) What am I going to do now
Psychic GPS: Oh! (staring at the TV)
Wedge: She was my life…the only thing I lived for…My two hearts are broken…hey, are you guys even listening to me?
The Flying Pig: (staring at the TV) Of course we are…you said blah blah blah…dead…blah blah blah…something else I don’t care about…then finished off with more blah blah blah
Psychic GPS: Piggy (pointing at the TV) Did you see that zombie’s head blow up?
Wedge: You guys! How can you be so cold?
Psychic GPS: I’m sorry Wedge. Imagine we are sad for you…like you imagined having a girlfriend…Electronic laugh!
The Flying Pig: Yeah! You just can’t see my sympathy for you because it’s invisible…like your fake girlfriend!
WEDGE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM WITH HIS HEAD DOWN LOW. HE IS STILL CRYING
Wedge: How can I escape this empty feeling in my two hearts…I know…I will write a poem about Kekua
Oh Kekua, I miss you so. You slashed my heart like a Samurai
THE WINDOWS BLOW OPEN AND IT BECOMES
SUDDENLY COLDER IN THE BARN
Kekua, you remind me of Robert Woods
because Robert Woods is 6’0 and 201 lbs
and I have no idea how tall you are or how much you weigh
I don’t think that is ghey
Kekua, I imagine you have soft hands and handle balls well
Robert Woods has soft hands and handles the ball well
I dream of both of your soft hands
I don’t think that is ghey
SNOW BEGINS TO BLOW IN THROUGH THE WINDOWS
Kekua, Robert Woods had 111 Receptions in 2011
He had 1292 Yards and 15 TD that year too
If you were an NFL player you would have the same numbers
And I don’t believe that is ghey
Kekua, Robert Woods’ numbers were not as good in 2012
He played on the other side of a Heisman Candidate who became the focal point of the offense
And that is similar to you, minus all the facts I just mentioned
And that is not ghey
THERE IS NOW A BLIZZARD OUTSIDE OF THE BARN
Kekua, every night I fell asleep speaking with you on the phone
I wake up in the morning thinking of you the next day
Before I met you, I used to wake up thinking of Robert Woods
that might be a little ghey
Kekua, Robert Woods’ QB was Matt Barkley
Not the guy who says “turrible” the guy who really sucks
If I ever met you I hope that you really suck too
I want to emphasize that point so people don’t think I’m ghey
Kekua, Some people think poems should rhyme
I want to point out to you that the last words in the 4th sentence
of this poem all rhyme with the word ghey
and that is because it’s the same word – ghey
IT IS SO COLD THAT ICE FREEZES WEDGE’S 3 FINGERS
ON HIS LEFT HAND TOGETHER
Kekua, Robert Woods unofficial 40 time in the combine was 4.44
He also showed his great hands at a catching drill
I like you and the number 4.44 and hands too
I don’t think that is ghey
Kekua, You broke my two hearts when you died
If you died…If you were real…
I’m sure I’m not the first alien to be made a fool of
By the way, I’m not ghey
Kekua, Charlie Campbell compares Woods to Justin Blackmon
Rob Rang cites Woods great route running, soft hands and toughness
And Dbolt thinks Woods might be the prototype WR Philbin is looking for
Dbolt is not ghey
THE ENTIRE ROOM IS NOW COVERED IN ICE AND SNOW
WEDGE WIPES AWAY HIS FROZEN TEARS AND STOPS WRITING HIS POEM
SOMEWHERE ON A SPACESHIP HOVERING OVER THE EARTH, AN ALIEN EMPEROR SITS ON A THROWN. TWO ALIEN SCIENTISTS SIT TO HIS RIGHT. KEKUA APPROACHES THE EMPEROR
The Alpha Alien: Is it done Kekua? Or should I say (winking) Xt%6*89-PyK^#…em your real name which is much easier to say
Xt%6*89-PyK^#: Yes, the hamster carcass is in the graveyard behind the barn..in a shoebox…
The Alpha Alien: Good, you will be awarded a diamond prober for your efforts…(looking at the scientists) Can it be done?
Alien Scientist #1: Yes. We have the technology!
The Alpha Alien: Then it is time! Set a course for the graveyard behind the barn!
Xt%6*89-PyK^#: Um…Emperor…Um…now that I am not pretending to be a woman anymore, um…well…can I stop dressing up like a woman
The Alpha Alien: Oh…eh…sure…but…(whispering)…can you leave the garters on a little longer?
Xt%6*89-PyK^#: (sigh) Yes your Highness…
To Be Continued…