PIGGY, PSYCHIC GPS, WEDGE, MUSTACHIO AND THE LITTLE PRAWN ARE WALKING TO THE GRAVEYARD BEHIND THE BARN TOGETHER.
Mustachio: Oh che tristezza, poor Colonpokey.
The Flying Pig: Yes, it’s very sad. Today we lay a dear perverted friend to rest
Psychic GPS: Nanapokey should be waiting for us at the funeral. Piggy are you ready to read the eulogy
The Flying Pig: Um…sort of..I’m really nervous…I’m not good with those sort of things
Psychic GPS: Don’t worry about it, you will be fine. I will be right there to support you Piggy
The Flying Pig: Thanks GPS. (turning around) Hey Wedge keep up, quit lagging behind…
Wedge: (talking the phone away from his ear) I’m right behind you. I’m talking to Kekua. (back not he phone with Kekua) Oh yes, I’m very sad Kekua, today is Colonpokey’s funeral, but talking to you takes the empty feeling I have inside away.
The Flying Pig: (hack) how cheesy!
Mustachio: Piggy, that’s L’amore giovane…oh Piggy, its so beautiful…it reminds me of the way it used to be with Mrs. Mustachio before I found at that puttana wanted a four blade razor instead of me! (Mustachio wipes tears from his eye) Oh what a sad day it is indeed…
PIGGY, PSYCHIC GPS, WEDGE, MUSTACHIO AND THE LITTLE PRAWN ARRIVE AT COLONPOKEY’S FUNERAL. NANAPOKEY IS VISIBLY SOBBING AND GREETS THEM ALL.
Nanapokey: Oh Piggy (crying loudly) please read the eulogy so we can put this shoebox in the ground and get on with our lives
The Flying Pig: Okay here goes…Looking around the group and putting a flower on the shoebox. Today we eh (Piggy is visibly nervous) we lay our friend to death…I mean rest..eh…um…this little perverted hamster will…um…eh..well…he is gone now…eh…um…
(Here lies Colonpokey)
Psychic GPS: (whispering to Piggy) Piggy…
The Flying Pig: (to Psychic GPS) What GPS?
Psychic GPS: (whispering to Piggy) Your eulogy…it really sucks…
The Flying Pig: (to Psychic GPS) I thought you said you would be supportive?
Psychic GPS: (whispering to Piggy) That was before I knew how bad you were going to be…I mean, you really suck at this…
The Flying Pig: (to Psychic GPS) well, I have never done this before…
Psychic GPS: Here let me! (Psychic GPS stands up and pushes Piggy down to sit. He takes out a pre-written note)
The Flying Pig: Oh, you prepared something
Psychic GPS: Today, we are gathered here to put Colonpokey to rest. Electronic Cry. So let’s talk about something…something mysterious…something ferocious…something that will save us all…Let’s talk about a Samurai! My favorite Samurai, Keenan Allen.
A HEAVY RAIN BEGINS TO POUR ON THE FUNERAL
The Flying Pig: Um, What does Allen have to do with Colonpokey?
Psychic GPS: The first of the Seven Samurai is the most technically sound of the Samurai. Keenan Allen is a 6’2, 206 pound wide receiver from Cal. He may not be the fastest wide receiver in the draft, but he is one of the most physical.
Nanapokey: Oh my poor Colonpokey (crying louder)
Psychic GPS: Mike Mayock compares Allen to Anquan Boldin. Who is probably the most physical wide receiver in the NFL. Rob Rang compares his to Jordy Nelson, another wide receiver who uses physicality to get open.
Mustachio: Jordy Nelson? Philbin likes him, no?
Psychic GPS: Of course he does Mustachio, being his former OC in Green Bay. Probably makes Allen a pretty good fit too!
Psychic GPS: Keenan Allen is not just a great receiver. Keenan Allen is a Samurai! (Thunder crashes behind Psychic GPS) And when you challenge a Samurai the Samurai doesn’t just sit there and wait for the ball, he goes and gets the ball at its highest point. When you interfere with a Samurai’s path, you don’t stop the Samurai, because the Samurai cannot be stopped. And if you are stupid enough to try to bring a Samurai to the ground, you are the one that goes to the ground! (Lightning crashes behind Psychic GPS) I thought this video of Allen against Oregon in 2011 gives us a glimpse of his talent
The Flying Pig: Is any of this eulogy about Colonpokey?
Psychic GPS: At the 0:07 mark he spins away like a tornado from a would be tackler for big yardage. at 0:28 he snatches his weapon from the air (whispering) because its his weapon not yours! (waiving his finger at the group) Look at the great touchdown grab at 0:52 snatching the ball away from the ground. And do you know why Keenan Allen owns that ball and not the ground? Because the ground was too busy being stepped on by Allen on his way to victory! (Psychic GPS spits on the ground) Although honestly I sought the 1:08 humping of the referee was a little odd…but look at 2:02! Another snatch of the weapon! And then they have the audacity to take his weapon from him again until he snatches it again at 2:17! Keep off the Samurai’s weapons bitches! Electronic Growl!
The Flying Pig: Um, I’m still waiting to hear about Colonpokey?
Psychic GPS: Do not speak to me of dead hamsters!
THE SKIES OPEN, THE RAIN GETS HEAVIER AND THE GROUND AROUND THE GROUP BECOMES FLOODED
Psychic GPS: Piggy, if you want to remain attached to your head, pray the Samurai don’t hear about you insolence. This Samurai is Cal’s all time leader in receptions. He will not be interrupted for any pig! They targeted him a lot through his career. In fact, the Bears pretty much relied on him to generate offense. Funny thing about this Samurai, his step-brother was his QB at Cal. Some, like me, think Allen would have been much more productive with another QB. But his brother did target him a lot!
The Flying Pig: Sorry GPS, I was just thinking that this, being Colonpokey’s funeral and all…
Nanapokey: Oh (crying) my poor little pervert! (Nanapokey rests her head on Piggy’s shoulder)
Psychic GPS: Watch this video Pig. Watch it so the Samurai doesn’t hear your squeals!
Psychic GPS: What I like about Allen is that he is so technically sound. Electronic Excitement! He looks the part of an NFL receiver. I bet the team that drafts this Samurai sends him to battle on day 1! And I bet this Samurai brings back the heads of 7 of his opponents on his very first battle! This Samurai is also the third overall in receiving yards in Cal’s history.
Nanapokey: Oh (crying louder) I don’t know if I can go on…
PIGGY COMFORTS NANAPOKEY WHO THEN UNCOMFORTABLY PUTS HER HAND ON PIGGY’S KNEE
Psychic GPS: Unfortunately Keenan Allen did not participate in the combine. He sat out with swelling in his knee which was diagnosed with a Grade 2 PCL strain a few months before the combine. He actually injured that knee in October 2012 and he sat out the final two games of the regular season because of it. Luckily its not the kind of injury that requires surgery. And if it came down to it, I am sure this Samurai would hack off his own leg, beat the defensive back with the leg and muscle his way to the end zone standing on his own thumbs!
Nanapokey: Oh, my poor Colonpokey (whispering in Piggy’s ear) You know, I taught him everything he knows…
Wedge: How bad is the injury Psychic GPS?
Psychic GPS: I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. But I know this…He is a Samurai! A Warrior! And he can help us defeat the bandits from New England. (Lightning and Thunder crash at the same time behind Psychic GPS) Allen appears to be the perfect west coast offense wide receiver. A receiver you can target 10 or more times a game. A guy who can catch the ball over the defensive back on the outside and the physique to run routes inside. A guy who can make all the catches and get yards after the catch. This Samurai’s YAC are measured not in yards but in the trail of defender’s blood all the way to the end zone!
The Flying Pig: (standing up an pushing Nanapokey away from him) GPS! Is any of this about Colonpokey! It is his funeral you know!
Psychic GPS: Oh Yeah…R.I.P. Colonpokey. Watch this video
THE FUNERAL ENDS. NANAPOKEY HUGS EACH OF THEM. AS SHE HUGS PIGGY SHE PINCHES HIS PORK BUTT. PIGGY, WEDGE, GPS, MUSTACHIO AND THE LITTLE PRAWN BEGIN WALKING BACK TO THE BARN. WEDGE IS ON THE PHONE AGAIN
Wedge: (on the phone) Yes, Kekua I miss you too (giggling) Yes, I can’t wait to finally meet you either…
The Flying Pig: (to Psychic GPS and the Little Prawn) What does he mean “finally meet”?
The Little Prawn: (to Piggy) “……”
Psychic GPS: (to Piggy) Um…he has never actually met Kekua…He met her online.
Wedge: (on the phone) Yes, Kekua we buried him behind in the graveyard behind the barn…why do you keep asking where his body is buried…(giggling) I’m right here for you my love…
SOMEWHERE ON AN ALIEN SHIP HOVERING THE EARTH
Kekua the Alien: (screaming into the spaceship hall and pulling the phone away from her) I have identified the location of the hamster carcass
To Be Continued…