MUSTACHIO IS SITTING BY HIMSELF IN A DARK ROOM IN THE BARN

The Flying Pig: Mustachio??? What are you doing?

Mustachio: Oh, Piggy…I can’t believe my marriage with Mrs. Mustachio is finere (a tear falls from Mustachio’s eye)

The Flying Pig: Well…um…she was having an affair with another razor…

Mustachio: But life without my amore…its not life at all. I have to get my beautiful deli slicer back

The Flying Pig: Really Mustachio? After she was with another blade?

Mustachio: Mi Sappi Piggy…he is a Quad…he has four blades. And me…only uno! But Piggy, I can sing. I am a great tenor…No woman can resist my golden voice…I will get her back…mi amore, Mrs. Mustachio!

The Flying Pig: But Mustachio…

BEFORE PIGGY FINISHES SPEAKING MUSTACHIO LEAVES THE BARN ABRUPTLY

ELSEWHERE, ON A SPACESHIP HOVERING THE EARTH, THE ALPHA ALIEN IS SPEAKING WITH TWO ALIEN SCIENTISTS AND Xt%6*89-PyK^# a/k/a KEKUA

The Alpha Alien: (screaming at the scientists) Can it be done or can’t it be done!

Alien Scientist #1: Yes, we have the technology

Alien Scientist #2: We have the technology

The Alpha Alien: You keep saying that! Is that all you have to say? You have the technology. The two most brilliant minds of the Universe and (mocking them and waiving his 6 arms in the air) “We have the technology”

Xt%6*89-PyK^#: Great emperor of the universe…eh… Maybe if you let them get it done…

The Alpha Alien: Xt%6*89-PyK^#? Why are you dressed like a man?

Xt%6*89-PyK^#: Eh…I am a dude

The Alpha Alien: Oh…of course…I forgot…well look, its best we don’t change the things that got us here….go get dressed like Kekua….

Xt%6*89-PyK^#: What? We already fooled Wedge and got all the information on the hamster carcass and now we have it. Why do I need to dress like a woman

The Alpha Alien: Don’t question me! Go get dressed…eh…go with the schoolgirl outfit…um…please…

Xt%6*89-PyK^#: (sighing under his breath) I hate this spaceship…(walking away to get changed)

Alien Scientist #1: We have the technology

The Alpha Alien: I know dammit! Get it done. Build my ultimate weapon! The weapon to destroy this disgusting planet! (laughing loudly)

BACK ON EARTH, MUSTACHIO IS ON A GONDOLA WHICH HE IS STEERING IN A SMALL BODY OF WATER BETWEEN BUILDINGS. MUSTACHIO CALLS UP TO THE WINDOWS OF ONE OF THE BUILDINGS

Mustachio: Mi Amore?

NO ONE COMES TO THE WINDOW

Mustachio: Mi Amore? (calling again) Mi Amore? (A third time)

Mrs. Mustachio: (coming to the window) Mustachio? What are you doing here? Il Divorcio!

A QUAD RAZOR PEEKS OUT FROM OUT OF FROM UNDER THE BED, OUT OF MUSTACHIO’S LINE OF SIGHT. HE SNEAKS OUT OF THE ROOM ON HIS TIPPY TOES

Mustachio: Mi Amore…I want you back

Mrs. Mustachio: NO! (shutting the window shutters)

Mustachio: Well then mi amore, con ti partirò…

Mrs. Mustachio: (from behind the window) Oh no Mustachio…Don’t you sing that song…you know what it does to me…

SLOW STRINGS BEGIN TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND

Mustachio: (singing in a deep tenor voice) Quando solo sogno all’ orrizante e man can le parole (whispering while signing) un Samurai…

Mrs. Mustachio: Un Samurai? (she opens the window)

A CLEAVER WITH A VIDEO CAMERA PEEKS OUT FROM THE CLOSET, OUT OF MUSTACHIO’S LINE OF SIGHT. HE SNEAKS OUT OF THE ROOM ON HIS TIPPY TOES

Mustachio: (singing in a deep tenor voice) Un Samurai. Un Samurai that measures 6’2 e 208 pounds. Un Samurai that runs a 4.52 40 yard dash!

THE WATER BELOW MUSTACHIO LOWERS VERY QUICKLY

Mustachio: (singing in a deep tenor voice) Con me, con me, con me

Mrs. Mustachio: Oh Mustachio…(She sticks her head out of the window)

A MACHETE WEARING LEATHER AND HOLDING A WHIP PEEKS OUT FROM BEHIND A CURTAIN, OUT OF MUSTACHIO’S LINE OF SIGHT. HE SNEAKS OUT OF THE ROOM ON HIS TIPPY TOES

Mustachio: (singing in a deep tenor voice) Su le finestre, with Robert Griffin, Williams caught 11 Touchdowns. 59 receptions for almost 1000 yards.

Mrs. Mustachio: (sigh) Un Grande Samurai

THE WATER DRAINS ALMOST COMPLETELY. THE GONDOLA IS LYING FLAT ON THE SURFACE OF WHAT WAS THE BODY OF WATER BETWEEN THE BUILDINGS

Mustachio: (singing in a deep tenor voice) Con te partiro, Samurai, che non ho mai, veduto e vissuto con te, Adesso si li vivro, con te partiro, su katana, che io lo so, no no non estistono più, con te io li verve

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Mustachio: (singing in a deep tenor voice) but without Robert Griffin, Williams even surpassed those numbers, catching 97 passes for over 1800 yards and 12 touchdowns

Mrs. Mustachio: (she is blushing) Oh Mustachio…the one and only Mustachio…mi amore…

A CHAINSAW PEEKS OUT FROM INSIDE THE MICROWAVE, OUT OF MUSTACHIO’S LINE OF SIGHT. HE SNEAKS OUT OF THE ROOM ON HIS TIPPY TOES GUIDING A GOAT BEHIND HIM.

Mustachio: (singing in a deep tenor voice) E Io si lo so, che sei, con me, con me

A HUGE WAVE BUILDS AND HEADS TOWARDS MUSTACHIO

Mustachio: (singing as his Gondola rises fast on top of the rising water) Terrance Williams is a deep threat. He accelerates quickly and beats guys off the line of scrimmage. He has a tall lanky build and often out reaches the defender for the ball. Un Randy Moss poveretto but with much better character.

Mrs. Mustachio: (pointing at the giant wave) Mustachio, look out! A tsunami!

Mustachio: (singing in a deep tenor voice) Con te partiro, Samurai, che non ho mai, veduto e vissuto con te, Adesso si li vivro, con te partiro, su katana, che io lo so, no no non estistono più, con te io li vivro

THE TSUNAMI WAVE CRASHES INTO ALL THE BUILDINGS AROUND MUSTACHIO. MUSTACHIO RIDES THE WAVE ON HIS GONDOLA ALL THE WAY UP TO THE WINDOW WHERE MRS. MUSATCHIO IS.

Mustachio: (reaching his hand out to Mrs. Mustachio) Un Samurai….

Mrs. Mustachio: Un Samurai…sempre…(taking Mustachio by the hand and bringing him through the window)

MUSTACHIO AND MRS. MUSTACHIO KISS

Mustachio: (looking around the room he notices the unmade bed and the clothes on the floor) Hey…did you have guests here today?

Mrs. Mustachio: Oh…eh…no…

Mustachio: Affanculo!

To be Continued…