STELLA AND GUINNESS, TWO ALIENS, WALK IN TO A BAR

Stella: This is it….our last hoorah….you know what that means Guinness?

Guinness: More Tequila!

Stella: (sigh)…it means its time to talk about the AFC East

Guinness: You mean the division where the greatest team in football plays?

Stella: Yep! But let’s start with the Patriots

Guinness: As long as the Patriots have Tom Brady, they will be fine

Stella: You mean even though they let Wes Welker and Brandon Lloyd go, Gronkowski is out and Aaron Hernandez is in jail…

Guinness: As long as the Patriots have Tom Brady, they will be fine

Stella: Guinness, I am talking about a team that will be without its top 4 receivers last season, a team that relied on the passing game

Guinness: As long as the Patriots have Tom Brady, they will be fine

Stella: Stop saying that! This is a team that’s running game utilized the 2 TE set and relied heavily on draws and other plays – none of that stuff works when you don’t have receivers to pass to

Guinness: As long as the Patriots have Tom Brady, they will be fine

Stella: They don’t even play good defense. They were 25th in the league last year in yards per game, They were 31st in 2011 and 25th in 2010. They haven’t been a top 20 defense since 2009! They don’t even care about defense anymore, they just try to get ahead of teams by passing the ball – and now their top 4 receivers are not returning – do you hear what I am saying Guinness?

Guinness: As long as the Patriots have Tom Brady, they will be fine

Stella: ARGHHHH! Why do you keep saying that. They had a horrible offseason and all you can do is talk about Tom Brady

Guinness: As long as the Patriots have Tom Brady, they will be fine…I learned that from every football expert who has written about the AFC East this offseason. No analysis of any kind, if they did that everything would be bad, until you mention Tom Brady – but when you waive the Tom Brady wand….everything looks perfect…the Patriots are contenders…so according to the experts, whose job it is to analyze, there is no need to analyze…just mention Tom Brady – TA-DAH – it’s a Super Bowl contender! Honestly I think the Patriots will miss the playoffs this year…They should get some wins against the Bills and Jests…but like the rest of the FAC East, they have a tough schedule, although for whatever reason it is overlooked with the Patriots…

Stella: Okay now I get it….well how about the Bills

Guinness: (Guinness spits out his beer) They suck!

Stella: They have some talent on Defense, Marcell Darius, Mario Williams, Leodis McKelvin and Jarius Byrd. That is a lot of talent

Guinness: a lot of talent that didn’t show up for them last year. They were 31st in the league against the run last season. They just could not stop anyone…

Stella: Well they changed defensive coordinators. They changed a little of everyone actually…including QBs. They got rid of The Ivy League educated Fitzpatrick in favor of Kevin Kolb…who is really just a stop gap for EJ Manuel

Guinness: EJ Manuel! (Stella slams a tentacle on the bar) That bastard cost FSU a Championship…why was he even drafted?

Stella: I can’t say I understand that pick…except to say it’s the Bills

Guinness: But you know what? Both Manuel and Kolb are injured. The Bills announced that Jeff Tuel will start in week 1 vs the Patriots

Stella: Who?

“Jeff Tuel”

Guinness: Jeff Tuel – pronounced – ASS-HOLE

Stella: Doesn’t ring a bell…can you use it in a sentence?

Guinness: Who the Fuck is Jeff Tuel?

Stella: Can you use it in a sentence with a colon?

Guinness: The following player is unknown to me: Jeff Tuel

Stella: How about a semicolon?

Guinness: The following players are unknown to me: Jeff Tuel of the Buffalo Bills; Jeff Tuel of the Buffalo Bills; and Jeff Tuel of the Buffalo Bills.

Stella: Can you say it in Spanish?

Guinness: Mierda?

Stella: French?

Guinness: Merde!

Stella: Italian?

Guinness: Stronzo!

Stella: Swahili?

Guinness: Umerogwa!

Stella: Can it get any worse?

Guinness: The New York Jets

Stella and Guinness (together): J – E – T –S – Suck Suck Suck

“Rex Ryan”

Stella: The Jets Wide Receiver Depth Chart, without a healthy Santonio Holmes reads like this: Stephen Hill, Jeremy Kerley, Clyde Gates, ben Obumanu, and Zach Rogers

GUINNESS SPITS ON THE FLOOR

Stella: The Jets Tight End Depth Chart reads like this: Jeff Cumblerland, Kellen Winslow, yes he is still playing and Konrad Rueland

GUINNESS VOMITS ON THE FLOOR

Stella: The Jets Running Back Depth Chart reads like this: Bilal Powell, Chris Ivory and Kahlil Bell

GUINNESS PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE FACE

Stella: The Jets Quarterback Depth Chart reads like this: Marc Sanchez, Geno Smith, Greg McElroy and Matt Simms

GUINNESS CRASHES THROUGH GLASS AND OUT A WINDOW

Guinness: (entering the bar and brushing broken glass off his shoulders) What the fuck kind of a roster is that?

Stella: To make matters worse, there appears to be a riff between the new GM and Rex Ryan…look like a long season for the Jests…

Guinness: Wait a second…if the Jests and Bills stink…and the Patriots miss the playoffs…then that must mean…

Stella: Don’t say it….

Guinness: You can’t be suggesting….

Stella: (silently nodding his head) I am….

Guinness: You mean our Dolphins…are playoff bound?

Stella: I’m not going to go through the Dolphins roster with you or their offseason…You know who they are…you know what they did…its time to get excited about Sundays again.

SUDDENLY THE LIGHTS IN THE BAR DIM AND THE FRONT DOOR ABRUPTLY OPENS. THE FLYING PIG IS STANDING IN THE DOOR

The Flying Pig: Oink Bitches!

Guinness: Um we were just talking about the AFC East

Stella: We were about to talk about the Dolphins

The Flying Pig: Not without me you don’t! The Dolphins (sigh) Oh the Dolphins (Piggy looks blankly at the ceiling) I need a drink

STELLA HANDS PIGGY A BEER

The Flying Pig: Every Sunday…(taking a big sip from the beer and gulping it down) Every Sunday morning, the Dolphins make me Oinky

Guinness: What does that mean?

Stella: Oinky?

The Flying Pig: Aliens…some things are better expressed through a song…

PIGGY SITS DOWN AT THE PIANO AND BEGINS TO PLAY. A SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON HIM

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

I Know it sounds funny but I just can’t stand the anxiety
Humans, the Dolphins play Sunday afternoon

Seems to me Humans, they did all they can
You see they trained, practiced and scrimmaged…yeah

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

But I’m still Oinky
I’m Oinky like Sunday morning
That’s why I’m Oinky
I’m Oinky every Sunday morning (whispering) before the game…

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

Why in the world did the referee ignore the Hold?
It was obvious that Wake was held to me
Where the hell did I put my shoe today
Oh yes, I threw it at my TV

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

Ooh, that’s why I’m Oinky
I’m Oinky like Sunday morning
That’s why I’m Oinky
I’m Oinky like Sunday morning

I wanna be high, so high
I wanna be a fan of a Super Bowl Champion
(whispering)
I wanna change the name of the Lombardi Trophy to “The Shula”

That’s why I’m Oinky
I’m Oinky like Sunday morning
That’s why I’m Oinky
I’m Oinky like Sunday morning

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

Will Ryan Tannehill ever hit a receiver in stride?
I really want to improve our Yards after the Catch
If he ends up just another Dolphins QB after Marino
I think we should all acknowledge that Lauren is my perfect match – yeah

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

Ooh, that’s why I’m Oinky
I’m Oinky like Sunday morning
That’s why I’m Oinky
I’m Oinky like Sunday morning

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

Why in the world does Egnew have that stupid pout?
Do you think he will ever play in a game?
I guess we are forced to play him after the Keller injury

Fucking DJ Swearinger’s tackling is just really lame!

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

Ooh, that’s why I’m Oinky I’m Oinky like Sunday morning That’s why I’m Oinky I’m Oinky like Sunday morning

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

I wanna be high, so high I wanna be a fan of a Super Bowl Champion (whispering) I wanna change the name of the Lombardi Trophy to “The Shula”

The Flying Pig: (singing and playing the piano)

Because I’m Oinky Oinky like Sunday morning Because I’m Oinky Oinky like Sunday morning