THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #64: Dolphins at Bills

RalphWilsonDump

 

WEDGE IS WRITING SOMETHING IN A NOTEBOOK WHEN PSYCHIC GPS AND THE LITTLE PRAWN APPROACH HIM 

 

Psychic GPS: What are you writing?

 

Wedge:  Oh, not much its a memo to my home planet about things I hate about the Earth and the reasons we should destroy Earth.

 

Psychic GPS: Wedge!  How could you?

 

Wedge:  Don’t worry…I don’t plan to be here when the planet is destroyed

 

WedgeTakingNotes

 

Psychic GPS: That is not the point!  What is so bad on this planet that leads you to believe it should be destroyed?

 

Wedge:  Oh, I don’t know…its the little things…Like Martin and Incognito (a tear comes to Wedge’s eye)

 

Psychic GPS: No one cares about that anymore.  The Dolphins are in the playoff hunt now…

 

Wedge:  I know…its just all the attention it received…And no one says a thing about the Steelers.  Meanwhile 3 weeks in a row they look like the dirtiest team in football.  First Mike Tomlin obstructs a kick return, then the next week Cody Wallace spears Koa Misi and then gives Randy Starks a rectal exam…

 

Colonpokey:  (walking in the room) who is talking about me, my ears are ringing…

 

Wedge:  Then Terrance Garvin puts his helmet in the Bengals punter’s chin.  What a cheap shot!

 

 

 

Psychic GPS: But that is no reason to blow up the Earth.  Prawn, speak up against this atrocity!

 

The Little Prawn:  “…..”

 

Psychic GPS: See!

 

Wedge: What?  He said blow it up!

 

Psychic GPS: No he didn’t he said save Earth!

 

MUSTACHIO WALKS IN THE ROOM ANGRY

 

Mustachio:  Affanculo!  (interrupting the argument) Who is going to clean up the mud when that little prosciutto comes 

 

Psychic GPS: What are you so made about?

 

Mustachio:  Its been a week now since Piggy has been rolling in the mud!  Ever since the Patriots Game!

 

Wedge:  Oh Yeah…he is celebrating, he said he was insisting on rubbing it in against some one

 

Sucks for youBrady

 

Colonpokey:  Don’t worry guys, I will take care of this!

 

Psychic GPS:   What are you going to do?

 

Colonpokey:  I’m going to go out there and grope his butt

 

Psychic GPS:   How will that help?

 

Colonpokey:  It won’t but I like butts…hee hee 

 

Psychic GPS:   (Electronic Sigh)  Let’s all go out there and talk some sense into him.

 

Wedge:  Yeah we better stop him and get him ready for Buffalo.  Its going to be cold in Buffalo and he is all wet and muddy.

 

THEY APPROACH PIGGY OUTSIDE IN THE MUD

 

Psychic GPS: Piggy, don’t you think you have rolled around enough in the mud?

 

The Flying Pig:  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

Mustachio:  Andiamo Piggy!  We have to get ready for the Bills

 

The Flying Pig:  Who cares about the Bills!  They suck!  We just beat the Patriots!

 

Wedge:  Don’t be so sure of yourself Piggy.  They lead the league in sacks.  And we give up the most sacks.  Its a matchup nightmare for us.

 

The Flying Pig:  Oh Please!

 

Colonpokey:  Piggy its going to be cold in Buffalo…real cold!

 

The Little Prawn:  “……..”

 

The Flying Pig:  So what!  We can handle the cold!  Its not big deal.

 

AT THAT MOMENT A CURSING SNOWFLAKE FALLS ON PIGGY’S SHOULDER

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Fuck you motherfuckers! I’m Sid the Snowflake!

 

SidSnowflakeinSnow

 

The Flying Pig:  Um…hi I guess

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Yeah!  Fucking hi you fucking jerk!

 

Psychic GPS: Well that is no way to greet some one!

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Go shit yourself assface

 

Wedge:  This guy is pretty foul-mouthed

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Damn right!  I’m a snowflake mutherfucker.  

 

Psychic GPS: Okay, so you are saying….

 

Sid the Snowflake:  BALLS!

 

The Flying Pig:  What is a matter with this guy?

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Dicks a lot too!

 

Wedge:  He is not even making sense.  He is just being unpleasant…

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Also cunts and stuff!  

 

Psychic GPS: Can you please take it easy snowflake

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Dirty Gallbladder!

 

Wedge:  Is that even profanity?

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Kutabare (bowing)

 

Mustachio:  Is that Japanese?

 

Sid the Snowflake:  Cocks in noses!

 

The Flying Pig:  Okay guys (melting the snowflake in his trotters) I think the point is snow is pretty unpleasant

 

Psychic GPS:  How are we going to beat the Bills with all that around us

 

Wedge:  Yeah, its so unpleasant

 

The Flying Pig:  Do you know how?  Look in my eyes!  What do you see!

 

pigeyes copy

 

Psychic GPS:  Nothing really

 

Mustachio:  Niente

 

The Little Prawn:  “……..”

 

The Flying Pig:  Don’t you see it  (pausing)  Its the EYE.  Oh…I think this calls for an encore performance….(whispering)  The Eye…The Eye of the Piggy

 

A GUITAR BEGINS TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND

 

The Flying Pig:  Risin’ up, back in the barn. Did my time, took my chances.  Went the distance. Now I’m back on my trotters. Just a pig and his will to fly.

 

The Flying Pig:  So many times, it happens too fast. You trade your passion for glory. Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past. You must fight just to keep them alive

 

PiggyBoxingBills

 

The Flying Pig:   It’s the eye of the piggy.  It’s the thrill of the flight risin’ up to the challenge of our rival.   And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night.  And he’s watching us all with the Eeeeeeeeeye of the Piggy.

 

Colonpokeyswimming

 

The Flying Pig:  Face to face, out in the heat.  Hangin’ tough, stayin’ hungry. They stack the odds still we take to the farm for the kill with the skill to fly

  

GPSLifting

 

The Flying Pig:   It’s the eye of the piggy.  It’s the thrill of the flight risin’ up to the challenge of our rival.   And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night.  And he’s watching us all with the Eeeeeeeeeye of the Piggy.

 

MustachioJumping Rope

 

The Flying Pig:  Risin’ up straight to the top.  Had the guts, got the glory.   Went the distance.  Now I’m not gonna stop.  Just a pig and his will to fly.

 

WedgeJogging

 

The Flying Pig:   It’s the eye of the piggy.  It’s the thrill of the flight risin’ up to the challenge of our rival.   And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night.  And he’s watching us all with the Eeeeeeeeeye of the Piggy

 

PrawnPumped

 

The Flying Pig:   The eye of the piggy.   The eye of the piggy (fading away) The eye of the piggy.  The eye of the piggy

 

Melted Sid the Snowflake:  Fucking Go Dolphins…fuck

 

meltedsnowflake

 

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