PSYCHIC GPS IS STTING AT A TABLE IN THE BARN.  COLONPOKEY WALKS IN THE ROOM WITH A LOT OF LUGGAGE 

 

Colonpokey:  Well I am off now

 

Psychic GPS: Where are you going?

 

Colonpokey:  To see my love, Mark Sanchez.  He is mending from the injury he suffered.  He is so depressed.  Geno Smith is outsucking him and he thinks the Jests have forgotten about him…I need to be there for him

 

Psychic GPS: Think you packed enough?

 

Colonpokey:  Just the essentials

 

 

Psychic GPS: Okay, well have fun

 

Colonpokey:  (grabbing Psychic GPS and uncomfortably hugging him)  I will miss you so much….

 

Psychic GPS: Um… (pushing Colonpokey away) its only for the game right?

 

Colonpokey:  Where is Piggy?  I have to say goodbye to him.

 

Psychic GPS: He is on the lam now!  right?

 

Colonpokey:  What?  He is raping sheep!  Why didn’t he invite me?

 

Psychic GPS: No Colonpokey.  He is on the run now…from Pegasus  (he hands Colonpokey a note)  He left this note.

 

Colonpokey:  (reading from the note)  Dear Species who are not the equal to pigs:  Its over for me now.  The Patriots won the AFC East and Pegasus wants my bojangles.  Well he will not have my bojangles!  I have taken steps to protect myself

 

 

“Bojangle Guard”

 

Colonpokey:  (reading from the note)  but that may not be enough.  So I have left the barn to live the life of a nomadic pig.  In the meantime, please make my doppleganger feel at home.  And don’t tell him about Pegasus.  (putting down the note)  Piggy left?  Where do you think he went?

 

Psychic GPS: He didn’t say

 

 

Colonpokey:  Doppleganger?

 

Psychic GPS:  He’s outside with Wedge and Musatchio

 

OUTSIDE THE BARN

 

Fred the Fraud:  Mooooo

 

Mustachio:  Pezzo di merda!  The Cavallo will never believe you if you don’t get it right!

 

Wedge:  Its Oink!  Oink!  Get it right!

 

 

Fred the Fraud:  Whatever man…this pig paid me $20 to wear this costume and hang out here….hey you guys got any weed man?

 

LATER AT MARC SANCHEZ’ HOUSE

 

Colonpokey:  (walking in the door) Hello my love

 

Sanchez: Standing up to quickly put something away

 

Colonpokey:  (rushing over to Sanchez)  Oh no!  Don’t get up.  Don’t strain yourself!  

 

 

Sanchez: I just wanted to clean up a little (quickly brushing something under his bed)

 

Colonpokey:  Its just me sweetheart!  You don’t have to clean up for me!

 

Sanchez: I just wanted to….

 

Colonpokey:  Hush!  (placing a finger over Sanchez’ mouth)  I will make you some soup…

 

Sanchez: but…

 

Colonpokey:  (Noticing something on the bed)  Hey what is this?  (he picks it up)  Is this hair?

Sanchez: Its nothing Colonpokey…um…I am so glad you are here, let’s go into the other room…

 

Colonpokey:   (examine the hair)  this isn’t hamster hair?  This isn’t human either?  This is….

 

A TOILET FLUSHES FROM THE BATHROOM

 

Colonpokey:   Is some one else here?

 

Sanchez: Colonpokey, we need to talk….

 

Colonpokey:   Is this?  This is Aardvark hair!

 

Penetrator the Aardvark:  Yo Yo CP.  Long time no see!

 

 

Colonpokey:  Penetrator the Aardvark!   My nemesis.  Marc how could you?  

 

Penetrator the Aardvark:  Listen up shorty, he’s my man now!

 

Sanchez:  I am sorry, Colonpokey…He was there for me when you were off with your friends.  I love his thug style.  I am different now.  I am not the same pretty boy you used to know

 

 

Penetrator the Aardvark:  I got no beef with you hamsterdawg, but Sanchez made his choice.  He likes the thug life now

 

Colonpokey:  But you are from Greenwich, Connecticut

 

Penetrator the Aardvark:  Shhhh!

 

Colonpokey:  I can do my hair in cornrows and get tattoos with guns too!

 

Penetrator the Aardvark:  Stop frontin homie!  Respect da choice!

 

Sanchez:  Goodbye Colonpokey…goodbye (a tear falls from Sanchez’ eye)

 

SANCHEZ AND PENETRATOR LEAVE THE ROOM TOGETHER HOLDING HANDS.  

 

Penetrator the Aardvark:  (sticking his head in the door believe he leaves)  Rodent for Life!

 

Colonpokey:  (screaming at the door as it slams close)  I hate you Penetrator!  You Whore!

 

AFTER SANCHEZ AND PENETRATOR LEFT TOGETHER, COLONPOKEY SPENT WEEKS IN SOLITUDE.  HE CONTEMPLATED LIFE, DEATH AND INTESTINES.   COLONPOKEY WAS HEARTBROKEN AND LOST.   COLONPOKEY WAS LEFT TO NOTHING BUT HIS PERVETED LONELY THOUGHTS UNTIL IT DAWNED ON COLONPOKEY.  THERE IS ANOTHER…

 

 

 

AND THE CODE OF COLONPOKEY WAS BORN

 

The Code of Colonpokey

 

I, perverted hamster, to hereby swear, that I shall; above all else and as my sole priority; without guilt, regret or inhibitions; whether sober, drunk or stoned; with human, animal or plant-life; by myself, with another rodent or bukkake style; whether in love, lust or as a result of an online dating site; henceforth invade, plunder and make myself comfortable in all butts of all the Quarterbacks of the New York Jets.  

 

My purpose is clear.  My heart is committed.  My body is fuzzy.  My soul is corrupted.  The Code of Colonpokey is True.

 

SOMEWHERE ELSE IN A FAR AWAY PLACE PEGASUS PICKS UP A PAIR OF HEDGECUTTERS