A PIG IS PLACING HIS DOLPHINS JERSEY IN A CLOSET AND CRYING WHEN ANOTHER PIG WALKS IN THE ROOM 

 

Pig 1: Squeal, what a horrible way to end the season…well putting my jersey away again…squeal, squeal, squeal

 

Pig 2:  Don’t squeal my friend…The Oinkees are on tonight!

 

Pig 1: The Oinkees!  I forgot!

 

Pig 2:  Let’s watch (turning on the TV)

 

THE OINKIES

 

Announcer: Welcome to the second annual Oinkies. The most glamorous night in the barn. Today’s A list celebrities will be awarding some of your favorite Miami Dolphins some of the most coveted awards in all oinks. So lets get ready to Oink!  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

THE AUDIENCE IS FULL OF PIGS

 

Audience: Weeeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (clapping their trotters) Weeeeeeeeeeeee Weeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

Announcer: Please welcome your first presenters tonight.  He is razor and his wife is a whore and he is presenting with a snowflake you don’t know but once you do, you will think he is a jerk.  Mustachio and Sam the Snowflake presenting the Snoutsmasher.

 

 

Mustachio: Buena Sera!  Everyone knows my wife is a whore

 

Sam the Snowflake:  Fuck off

 

Mustachio: I thought you melted

 

Sam the Snowflake:  different snowflake dumbs

 

Mustachio: Affanculo, and you are all foulmouthed?

 

Sam the Snowflake:  Fuck yeah

 

Mustachio: Grande!  (speaking into the microphone)  The Snoutsmasher is give t the defensive MVP.  And the nominees are Cameron Wake

 

Sam the Snowflake: Dick

 

Mustachio: Olivier Vernon

 

Sam the Snowflake:  Asshole

 

Mustachio: and Brent Grimes

 

Sam the Snowflake:  Dipshit

 

Mustachio:  Buono Fortuna for Brent Grimes.  He is the winner!  

 

 

Announcer: Please welcome the second presenters awarding the Tiny Piglet Award to the top rookie of 2014.  One is a shellfish with a nasty disposition and an inaudible voice.  The other will never leave you lost, The Little Prawn and Psychic GPS!    

 

Audience: Weeeeeeeeeee Oink Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (clapping their trotters) Oink Weeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

The Little Prawn: “……” (pushing GPS away front he podium)

 

Psychic GPS:  Come on Prawny, let me get to the podium

 

 

The Little Prawn: “………..”  (still pushing GPS away)

 

Psychic GPS:  Oh I get it!  You are right.  The winner is “………”  because the rookies didn’t play this year.  (he smashes the award on the ground) Fuck you Dolphins!

 

Announcer: I wasted $90 on that Dion Jordan jersey!  Um….Please welcome the third presenters awarding the Golden Squiggly Tail.  One will probe your butt, the other will just make himself comfortable, Wedge and Colonpokey.

 

Wedge: Oh, Colonpokey, um…you look…um

 

Colonpokey:  ….beautiful….I know….(attempting to kiss Wedge on the cheek)

 

 

Wedge: (pushing Colonpokey away) Um…The Golden Squiggly Tail is given to the skill player who leaves the most defenders chasing his tail.

 

Colonpokey:  The nominees are Charles Clay, Mike Wallace, Brian Hartline and Brandon Gibson 

 

Wedge: (opening the envelope)  Oh, in an upset – Brandon Gibson flips into the winner’s circle.

 

 

THE OINKEES TAKES A COMMERCIAL BREAK AND TWO FEMALE PIGS ARE ON A SET TALKING ABOUT THE OINKEES

 

Joan Piggers:  Oh can you believe how tacky Wedge is dressed tonight 

 

Kelly Oinkbourne:  Where did he get that tie!  And Colonpokey…what a slut!

 

Joan Piggers:  Okay, who is the best dressed tonight

 

Kelly Oinkbourne:  My vote goes to the Little Prawn.  What a great shell

 

Joan Piggers:  Yes, and he is so handsome (sigh)

 

Kelly Oinkbourne:  He is dreamy…the Fishy silent type (sigh)

 

THE OINKEES COMES BACK ON

 

Announcer: And now, awarding awarding the Colonpokey Memorial Poker in honor of the departed hamster

 

Colonpokey:  (from backstage)  What?  I’m still alive…what is going on here?

 

Nanapokey:  (from the audience) Oh…my poor pokey….(she brings a handkerchief to her eye)

 

Colonpokey:  (from backstage)  Nanapokey!  I’m still alive!  Don’t cry!

 

Announcer: He is a thug and a burrower, Penetrator the Aardvark

 

Penetrator:  Yo Yo Pigs! Colonpokey was a good hamster…ah-ight….but not enough for Sanchez or Geno Smith…I got ‘em

 

Colonpokey:  Who invited this slut!  You whore!  (launching himself at Penetrator)

 

 

Penetrator:  Geno Smith wins (falling to the floor)

 

Announcer: And now giving away the most coveted award, the Grande Wings, its a…um…its a…a shrubbery

 

A SHRUBBERY GOES TO THE PODIUM

 

The Mysterious Shrubbery:  Oink…The nominees for the Grande Wings are, Cameron Wake, Ryan Tannehill and Charles Clay

 

 

Wedge:  What’s with the shrubbery?  No one cares about plant life

 

Psychic GPS:  That’s the point?  Its Piggy…he is wearing a disguise…

 

Mustachio:  Is he crazy…Pegasus might see this…his sopresseta! 

 

Psychic GPS:  I tried to talk him out of it.  But he would not listen…He insisted on awarding The Grande Wings 

 

Wedge:  But Pegasus is here!

 

Pegasus: (in the audience)  Hmmm…there is something unusual about that shrubbery

 

The Great Griffin:  Yeah, he looks delicious…

 

Pegasus: Delicious?  What are you talking about Griffin…

 

The Great Griffin:  Duh….I think the shrubbery tastes like bacon…

 

Pegasus: Bacon…Don’t be stupid Griffin!  Bacon does not grow on shrubbery  

 

The Great Griffin:  Okay Pegasus…(hanging his beak low) okay

 

The Mysterious Shrubbery:  Oink (front he podium)….and the winner of the Grande Wings is….Charles Clay!

 

 

AS THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD, THE SHRUBBERY SNEAKS OF THE STAGE