VITO MUSTACHIO PORKLEONE IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK IN A DARK OFFICE PETTING A CAT. SONNY WEDGE PORKLEONE IS ON HIS RIGHT. TOM CONSIGLIERE GPS IS ON HIS LEFT. A MORTICIAN SITS IN FRONT OF THEM IN A CHAIR
The Mortician: I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I believe in its NFL prospects …but I must warn you, there is a prospect, who has dishonored us all: Jeremy Hill. The LSU tailback plead guilty in 2012 to carnal knowledge of a juvenile. A 14 year old girl! (he begins to sob) We went to the police, like good Americans. We wanted justice – he got two years probation. Two years!
Mustachio Porkleone: Why did you go to the police first? Why didn’t you come to me first?
The Mortician: What do you want of me? Tell me anything. But do what I beg you to do.
Mustachio Porkleone: What is that?
THE MORTICIAN STANDS UP AND WHISPERS IN MUSTACHIO’S EAR
Mustachio Porkleone: (stepping away from the mortician surprised) I cannot make Hill the #1 pick in the NFL draft!
The Mortician: I’ll give you anything you ask (he falls to his knees)
Mustachio Porkleone: We’ve known each other many seasons, but this is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time that you invited me to your farm for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is Oinkmother to your only piglet. But let’s be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.
The Mortician: I didn’t want to get in trouble
Mustachio Porkleone: I understand. You found paradise in America, had a good trade, made a good oinking. The police protected you; and there were courts of law. And you didn’t need a oink of me. But uh, now you come to me and you say — “Don Mustachio give me justice.” — But you don’t ask with oinking respect. You don’t offer oink. You don’t even think to call me Oinkfather. Instead, you come into my farm on the day my daughter is to be married, and ask this obscene task.
The Mortician: I beg you (kissing Mustachio Porkleone’s ring)…Oinkfather
Mustachio Porkleone: Good…Some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day — accept this justice as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day
THE MORTICIAN SAY THANK YOU TO MUSTACHIO PORKLEONE AND LEAVES THE ROOM
Mustachio Porkleone: (to Tom GPS) Put some one good on this…but not number 1 overall, 3rd round at best, despite what this Mortician thinks we are not miracle workers. Make Jeremy Hill (whispering) a Porkleone…
OUTSIDE THE ROOM CONNIE POKEY PORKLEONE AND CARLO SMITH ARE AT THEIR WEDDING RECEPTION CUTTING A CAKE
Carlo Smith: I am so happy to be marrying you my lovely rodent
Connie Pokey Porkleone: (sigh) The Jests quarterbacks are always so dreamy…(whispering) and morally loose…Hey, that reminds me let’s get a photograph with my family…
Mustachio Porkleone: No, no….No pictures until Michael Piggy is here…
Connie Pokey Porkleone: But Papa!
Mustachio Porkleone: No Connie! Jeremy Hill had over 1400 yards rushing and 16 TDs as a sophomore for LSU last year….
Connie Pokey Porkleone: What does that have to do with anything?
Mustachio Porkleone: Because I say so. I am the Oinkfather! The bruising 235 pound back had 28 TDs in two years at LSU! He is exactly what the Dolphins need!
Connie Pokey Porkleone: Oh Papa…(crying)
ELSEWHERE AT THE RECEPTION RICHIE CLEMENZA IS DANCING BY HIMSELF AND DRINKING LOTS OF WINE
Richie Clemenza: Hey Paulie Inchworm (pouring a pitcher of wine down his throat) we need more wine…bring me more wine
Paulie Inchworm: (Picking up a pitcher of wine) Twenty- Thirty-grand. In small bills, cash. In that little silk purse. Madon’, if this was someone else’s wedding, sfortunato!
Richie Clemenza: Giving me that (he takes the wine from inchworm and smacks him in the face) I love you inchworm! Hey Joanna Tessio come here, I want to show you this youtube clip.
Joanna Tessio: Just a minute (taking a phone away from his ear) I am having a good cry with my Mommy. (bringing the phone back to his ear) Yes Mommy, I watched The Notebook three times last week. But I have to go now, Richie Clemenza wants me to see something and I have to pretend like I am friends with him again.
Richie Clemenenza: (placing his arm around Joanna Tessio’s shoulder and uncomfortable squeezing him close to him) Check this out. Point to a clip on his phone.
Joanna Tessio: Did Jeremy Hill just sucker punch that guy?
Richie Clemenza: Yep! Now that is character! He is a Porkleone you know
ELSEWHERE AT THE RECEPTION BELICHEAT BARZINI AND REX TATTAGLIA ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS OUTSIDE EATING WEDDING CAKE AND TALKING TO EACH OTHER
Belicheat Brazini: He reminds me of LeGarret Blount…
Rex Tattaglia: I was thinking more like my entire locker room, he is a real dirtbag…We need to keep Hill from becoming a Porkleone…
Belicheat Brazini: Yes (clenching his hands together) we need to do something ruthless, something underhanded, something against the rules…And I love doing those things…
SUDDENLY AN FBI PHOTOGRAPHER SNEAKS A QUICK PHOTOGRAPH OF THE TWO COACHES TALKING. REX TATTAGLIA POSES BY SHOOTING A BIRD. BELICHEAT BRAZINI STANDS UP AND SNATCHES THE CAMERA FROM THE PHOTOGRAPHER
Belicheat Brazini: Hey this is a good camera! I am a big fan of photography…
ELSEWHERE AT THE RECEPTION MUSTACHIO PORKLEONE, WEDGE PORKLEONE AND TOM CONSIGLIERI GPS WALK BACK INTO THE DARK OFFICE. AS SOON AS THEY WALK INSIDE, MICHAEL PIGGY PORKLEONE ARRIVES WITH KAY APONTE AND THEY SIT AT A TABLE
Kay Aponte: Piggy…that prawn over there…he is talking to himself…see that scary prawn?
Piggy Porkleone: He is a very scary prawn
Kay Aponte: Who is he? What’s his name?
Piggy Porkleone: His name is Prawna Brasi, he helps my father out sometimes. He is waiting to see my father.
PRAWN BRASI STOPS TALKIN TO HIMSELF, STANDS UP AND HEADS INSIDE TO SPEAK WITH MUSTACHIO PORKLEONE. SUDDENLY FREDO GRIFFIN PORKLEONE COMES OVER. HE IS VISIBLY DRUNK. HE HUGS AND KISSES PIGGY.
Piggy Porkleone: Oh…hey Fredo….
Fredo Griffin: Piggy….I’m Smawt…I’m Smawt Piggy…See, I’m Smawt (he leans uncomfortably close to Kay Aponte) And who is this
Piggy Porkleone: Kay, this is my idiot brother Fredo
Fredo Griffin: I’m Smawt!
Kay Aponte: Nice to meet you Fredo (pushing him away)
Fredo Griffin: Hey look over there. Dragon Fontaine arrived!
DRAGON FONTAINE WALKS INTO THE WEDDING. ALL THE FEMALE PIGS AT THE WEDDING BEGIN TO SQUEAL. HE TAKES THE MICROPHONE AND SERENADES CONNIE POKEY PORKLEONE
Connie Pokey Porkleone: (sigh) Oh Dragon….
Kay Aponte: I didn’t know you knew Dragon Fontaine.
Piggy Porkleone: My father helped him out.
Kay Aponte: Helped Dragon Fontaine? How?
Piggy Porkleone: Well when Dragon was first starting out he was signed to this contract with a big band leader. His career got better and better and he wanted out. Well Dragon is my father’s Oinkson, so my father went to go see him. He offered him 10,000 oinks to let Dragon go. The band leader said no. So the next day my father went to go see the band leader again, this time with Prawna Brasi. Within an hour he signed a release for a check for $1,000.00
Kay Aponte: How did he do that?
Piggy Porkleone: He made him an oink he could not refuse. Prawna Brasi held a gun to his head and my father assured him that either his brains or his signature would be not he contract…(embarrassed) that is my family Kay, not me…
Kay Aponte: What about Jeremy Hill Piggy?
Piggy Porkleone: He is a Porkleone, that is all I know…
Kay Aponte: He runs with such power and he is fast too! Look at this video of him against Florida.
Kay Aponte: Look how quick he turns the corner on that first run!
Piggy Porkleone: But he gets stuffed at the goalline at the 1:22 mark.
Kay Aponte: Don’t interrupt me! (slamming her fist on the table) Look at that second effort at the 1:48 mark! That is a Porkleone
Piggy Porkleone: But all the red flags…
Kay Aponte: (shouting over Piggy) LSU didn’t have a problem playing him
Piggy Porkleone: LSU lets a lot go. They didn’t have a problem with HoneyBadger either…
Kay Aponte: Don’t call me Honey! (She picks up a fork from the table and smacks Piggy in the snout with it)
Piggy Porkleone: SQUEAL!!! I meant the CB who was drafted by Arizona…hey that wasn’t in the script, none of this is in the….
Kay Aponte: Shut up Piggy. I am in control!!! At 2:53 he shows a little of everything. Nice screen pass, he catches it of course. Look at that acceleration for a big man. What an athlete. And the hurdle is the icing on the cake! Piggy, just this once…
Piggy Porkleone: That is my line!…And you aren’t even saying it in the right spot. Its not until the end of the movie
Kay Aponte: This one time I will let you ask me about my affairs…
Piggy Porkleone: What is going on here? This is all wrong you are ruining the Oinkfather. That is not your line!
Phil B. Joseph: Cut! (He walks up to Piggy and Kay) Piggy what’s the problem?
Piggy Porkleone: Me? She is saying all the wrong lines (pointing at Kay)
Kay Aponte: (straightening Phil B. Joseph’s tie) You are doing such a good job Phil…
Phil B. Joseph: (blushing) You are too…
Piggy Porkleone: What is going on here? Can she just do whatever she wants?
Phil B. Joseph: (to Piggy) Look Piggy, let her have a little improvisational latitude. Its good for the creative spirit of the movie.
Piggy Porkleone: Well, I guess if its just one take….
Phil B. Joseph: That is doggone spirit! (walking away, he picks up a wrapper) hmmm, this should not be in the shot….Okay everyone ACTION!
Kay Aponte: This one time Piggy…
Piggy Porkleone: um….(shrugging) is it true?
Kay Aponte: Yes its true! At 4:48 Hill is unstoppable and he is a Porkleone!
INSIDE OF THE OFFICE MUSTACHIO PORKLEONE IS LISTENING TO PRAWNA BRASI WHO HAS ASKED TO SPEAK WITH HIM
Prawna Brasi: And may their first piglet be a shellfish piglet…
Mustachio Porkleone: Okay Prawna. Thank you so much. (patting him on the back and showing him the door)
PRAWNA BRASI LEAVES AND DRAGON FONTAINE COMES IN THE DOOR
Dragon Fontaine: Oinkfather (kissing Mustachio’s hand) I’m so glad you made time for me
Mustachio Porkleone: They tell me you are having some problems with this Hollywood Producer?
Dragon Fontaine: Yes. His name is Pegasus. A month ago he bought the movie rights to this book. A bestseller — and the main character, it’s a guy just like me. I uh — I wouldn’t even have to act — just be myself. But he won’t give me the part (he begins to cry) Oh, Oinkfather, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do
Mustachio Porkleone: You can act like a Dragon! (slapping Dragon Fontaine in the face) Is this how you turned out? A Hollywood finocchio that ah cries like a woman? (then imitating Dragon) What can I do?! What can I do?! What is this nonsense? Do you spend time with your family?
Dragon Fontaine: Sure I do
Mustachio Porkleone: Good, because a man who does not can never be a real Porkleone! Don’t worry this Hollywood flying horse is going to give you what you want. We will make him an Oink he can’t refuse. Now if there is nothing else I would like to enjoy my daughter’s wedding.