TOM CONSIGLIERI GPS ARRIVES IN LOS ANGELAS BY A PLANE AND TAKES A CAB TO PEGASUS WOLTZ STUDIOS. HE STEPS OUT OF A CAR AN WALKS INTO THE STUDIO
Pegasus Woltz: (walking towards GPS) All right, start talking
Tom Consiglieri GPS: Uh, I was sent by a friend of Dragon Fontane’s — His friend is my client, who’d give his undying oink to Mr. Pegasus Woltz, if Mr. Pegasus Woltz would grant us a small — oink.
Pegasus Woltz: Pegasus is listening…
Tom Consiglieri GPS: Give Dragon the part in that new mud film you’re starting next week.
Pegasus Woltz: And ah, what oink would ah your friend ah grant Mr. Pegasus Woltz?
Tom Consiglieri GPS: You’re gonna have some union problems; my client could make then disappear. Also, there is this Porkleone, a Porkleone named (whispering) Lache Seastrunk
Pegasus Woltz: Are you trying to muscle me? (stomping a hoof)
Tom Consiglieri GPS: (remaining calm) absolutely not
Pegasus Woltz: Now listen to me, you smooth-talking son-of-a-bitch! Let me lay it on the line for you and your boss, whoever he is. Dragon Fontane will never get that movie! I don’t care how many bacon porkchop sausages come out of the woodwork!
Tom Consiglieri GPS: I’m an electronic device….
Pegasus Woltz: Well let me tell you something my digital friend, I’m gonna make so much trouble for you, you won’t know what hit you!
Tom Consiglieri GPS: I’m hardware, I have not threatened you. I handle one client. (handing Woltz his card) Now you have my number, I await your call.
TOM CONSIGLIERI GPS WALKS AWAY AND TO HIS CAR
Pegasus Woltz: (to his assistant) Check him out.
A FEW HOURS LATER TOM GPS IS WALKING AROUND PEGASUS WOLTZ’ ESTATE WITH PEGASUS
Pegasus Woltz: Why didn’t you tell me you worked for Porkleone. I thought you were just some cheap two bit hustler the Dragon sent to bully me around
Tom Consiglieri GPS: Well actually my signal structure for each satellite consists of a 1023 bit long pseudo-random number sequences sent at a rate of 1.023 megabits per second…the sequence repeats every millisecond
Pegasus Woltz: Eh….Hey let me show my stables
Tom Consiglieri GPS: Oh, wonderful…horses
Pegasus Woltz: Hey, come on over here with me; I wanna show you something really beautiful. You do appreciate beauty, don’t you? There you are (pointing to a horse), $600,000 on four hooves. I bet a Russian Czar never paid that kind of dough for a single horse. I’m not gonna race him, though. I’m gonna put him out to stud.
Tom Consiglieri GPS: He’s amazing…kind of reminds me of Piggy’s favorite Porkleone, Lache Seastrunk
Pegasus Woltz: What? (frowning in disagreement) Let’s go get something to eat
INSIDE THE ESTATE PEGASUS WOLTZ AND TOM CONSIGLIERI GPS ARE EATING DINNER. THEY SIT ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF A LARGE TABLE. A SERVANT BRINGS A STEAK TO TOM GPS.
Tom Consiglieri GPS: Mr. Porkleone is Dragon’s Oinkfather. To the pigs, that’s a very religious, sacred, close relationship.
Pegasus Woltz: I respect that; just tell him he should ask me anything else. But this is one favor I can’t Oink him.
Tom Consiglieri GPS: He doesn’t ask a second favor once he’s been refused the first, understood?
Pegasus Woltz: You don’t understand. Dragon Fontane never gets that movie. That part is perfect for him; it’ll make him a big sausage. And I’m gonna run him out of the business, and let me tell you why. (standing up on two hooves)
Dragon Fontane ruined one of Woltz International’s most valuable proteges. For five years we had her under training. Singing lessons; acting lessons, dancing lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on her. I was gonna make her a big sausage! And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I’m not a hard-hearted horse, and it’s not all dollars and cents. She was beautiful; she was young, she was innocent. She was the greatest piece of ass I ever had, and I had’ em all over the world!
Pegasus Woltz: And then Dragon Fontane comes along with his fire breathing voice, and reptile charm. And she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a horse in my position can’t afford to be made to look ridiculous! I am no band leader! Yeah, I heard that story too…
Tom Consiglieri GPS: (tipping his cap) Thank you for dinner Mr. Woltz. (he leaves)
LATER THAT NIGHT, PEGASUS WOLTZ IS IN THE SHOWER PREPARING TO GO TO BED
Pegasus Woltz: (singing in the shower) My little pony, my little pony, tie a ribbon to show how much I care. (he stops singing) And that jerk had the nerve to mention Lache Seatrunk…I don’t care about his nearly 2,200 yards in two years or his 17 TDs…
TOM CONSIGLIERI GPS RETURNS TO THE ESTATE. THIS TIME HE IS WITH MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE, SONNY WEDGE PORKLEONE, PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE AND PRAWN BRACIA. THEY ALL LOOK INTO PEGASUS WOLTZ BEDROOM WINDOW
Piggy Michael Porkleone: (rubbing his front trotters together) Now for the Oink he cannot refuse…
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: What did you do Piggy?
Piggy Michael Porkleone: You know those horses he likes so much?
Mustachio Vito Porkleone: Good thinking my little piglet…Maybe some day you will make a good Oinkfather
Piggy Michael Porkleone: Oh Papa! (hugging Mustachio)
MEANWHILE INSIDE, PEGASUS TURNS OFF THE SHOWER, PUTS ON A TOWEL AND SITS IN FRONT OF A VANITY MIRROR. HE BEGINS BRUSHING HIS MANE
Pegasus Woltz: (singing and brushing his own mane) My little pony, my little pony, you can comb and brush her hair (he stops singing) Seastrunk, I mean this guy boasted that he would run a sub 4.3 at the combine and then ran a pedestrian 4.51. He did score the highest broad jump and vertical jump at the combine, but what’s he going to do, jump over defenders (he lets out a whinny)
PEGASUS WALKS FROM THE VANITY MIRROR TO HIS BED
Piggy Michael Porkleone: (from outside the window) Wait for it
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: (from outside the window) this is gonna be great…
PEGASUS TUCKS HIMSELF N BED
Pegasus Woltz: (singing) My little pony, my little pony, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm (he falls asleep)
Mustachio Vito Porkleone: (from outside the window) What happened?
Piggy Michael Porkleone: I don’t know…eh…give it a minute…look he is waking up!
Pegasus Woltz: Lache Seastrunk (barely awake and under his breath) he dances to much in the backfield! He needs to be more decisive…(waking up a little more) why can’t I fall asleep…
Piggy Michael Porkleone: (to Wedge, Mustachio, Prawn and GPS) Here it comes…
Pegasus Woltz: Typical Porkleone in Seastrunk, the NCAA was investigating Oregon based on a $25,000 payment to a Houston based scout with connections to Seastrunk, but then Seastrunk unexpectedly transferred to Baylor, hmphh, he said to be closer to his Grandmother., what a joke…
Piggy Michael Porkleone: (blurting out) He loves his Nana! (Mustachio Vito Corleone quickly covers Piggy’s mouth)
Pegasus Woltz: I don’t care that he effectively blocked Anthony Barr, one of the best pass rushers in the county, in a 2012 bowl, who needs pass blocking…hey is there something under my sheets….
Piggy Michael Porkleone: Look at the 1:07 mark!
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: (at Piggy) shhhhhhhh
Pegasus Woltz: What is this? Something was placed under my sheets, I’m going to pull back my bedsheets to look as fast at Seastrunk runs for a TD at the 1:55 mark.
PEGASUS PULLS DOWN THE SHEETS AND JUMPS UP SCREAMING
Piggy Michael Porkleone: Hah hah…got him!
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: Piggy…is that a toy horse’s head?
PEGASUS STOPS SCREAMING REALIZING ITS A TOY HEAD
Piggy Michael Porkleone: Well yeah…its a toy head
Mustachio Vito Porkleone: Affanculo, Piggy, you can’t intimidate him with a toy!
Piggy Michael Porkleone: um…I went to the stable with a machete and I um…well the the horses were so pretty and I um…found this toy horse instead and um….(hanging his head low)
MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISAPPOINTMENT AT PIGGY
Pegasus Woltz: That swine Piggy! He thinks he can intimidate me with a toy horse’s head. Well not only will I never give that part to Dragon Fontane, but I will take over the entire Porkleone clan!
Piggy Michael Porkleone: Oops….
Kay Aponte: “oops” that is all you can say! And you call yourself the Oinkfather???
Piggy Michael Porkleone: Aponte!
Kay Aponte: That’s right! I’m here to make sure this gets done right!
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: We don’t need your help! We are Porkleones, we can handle it ourselves…
KAY APONTE GRABS SONNY WEDGE BY THE NECK AND SLAMS HIS HEAD ONTO THE GROUND. SHE PUTS HER FOOT ON HIS HEAD PRESSING HIS FACE INTO THE GROUND
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: Ow ow ow ow!
Kay Aponte: Who run barter town?
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: OW! Please let me go…that’s not even from this movie!
Kay Aponte: (she presses her foot down harder) Who run barter town!!!
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: OW! Aponte…Aponte runs barter town!
Kay Aponte: (releasing her foot from Wedge’s head) That’s right. Aponte runs barter town! Its my way! (raising her voice) My way! Or you can join Ireland. I have a plan.
APONTE UNVEILS A SMALL HAMSTER CAGE WITH A BLANKET COVERING THE CAGE
Mustachio Vito Porkleone: What’s under the blanket?
Kay Aponte: (removing the blanket) Your favorite rodent…
INSIDE THE CAGE, COLONPOKEY IS SHAKING AND FOAMING AT THE MOUTH
Tom Consiglieri GPS: What have you done to Colonpokey?…er um…Connie Pokey Porkloene…
Kay Aponte: Oh nothing much…I have just been motivating him for three days.
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: Motivating him? how?
Kay Aponte: Just watch and learn (she shakes the cage violently and then whispers into the cage) Marc Sanchez was waived….
Kay Aponte: Everybody stand back!
KAY APONTE LIFTS THE CAGE DOOR. CONNIE POKEY PORKLEONE SCURRIES OUT OF THE GATE AND IN TO PEGASUS’ ESTATE THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW
Pegasus Woltz: (to himself) The nerve of the Porkleones, to consider drafting a player like Seastrunk, when there are much better free agents available, like Knowshon Moreno, Maurice Jones Drew or even (looking to the sky) Lawrence Phillips! ….Is there a draft in here…it feels like something is crawling up my leg.
Pegasus Woltz: whinny, whinny, whinny (kicking his hooves up)
Pegasus Woltz: Get it out! Get it out!
KAY APONTE, PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE, SONNY WEDGE PORKLEONE, PRAWN BRACIA AND MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE ENTER THE ROOM
Kay Aponte: So Dragon Fontane gets the part?
Pegasus Woltz: Yes! Yes! Whatever you want! Get it out!
Sonny Wedge Porkleone: And Lache Seastrunk is a Porkleone?
Pegasus Woltz: Of course! Get it out!
Piggy Michael Porkleone: And I get to keep my bojangles
Pegasus Woltz: Don’t push your luck…
Kay Aponte: So its settled then…
Pegasus Woltz: Yes its settled. The Dragon gets the part. Seastrunk is a Porkleone too. GET HIM OUT!!!
Kay Aponte: Oh that…(smirking) he will come out on his own…eh…in a couple of days…in the meantime don’t eat any corn and don’t sit down
KAY APONTE, PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE, SONNY WEDGE PORKLEONE, PRAWN BRACIA AND MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE LEAVE THE ESTATE AND GO TO THE AIRPORT TO FLY BACK TO NEW YORK.
Mustachio Vito Porkleone: GPS, please set up a meeting with the Turk when I get back. He has an offer he wants to make.
Kay Aponte: Can I come? I will cozy up next to you on the plane ride home.
Mustachio Vito Porkleone: Why not Kay…welcome to the family business
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