THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #70: THE OINKFATHER, CHAPTER 3

TheOinkFather

 

TOM CONSIGLIERI GPS, MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE, SONNY WEDGE PORKLEONE AND KAY APONTE ARE SITTING IN MUSTACHIO’S OFFICE WAITING FOR A GUEST TO ARRIVE

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  So what do you know about this Pouncey character?

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  They call him the Turk, he is supposed to be very good with the snap.  His business is narcotics, he has fields in Gainesville where they grow the poppy and they process the poppy in Gainesville too,  in an old Gatoraide factory.  He needs cash, he needs protection from the Massachusetts police, for which he will give us a piece of the action.  The Rex Tattaglia family is behind him in New York, they have to be in it for something.

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  What about his prison record?

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  The Massachusetts police keep contacting him about one of his associates from Gainesville, and there is this little psychological issue…

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Psychological?  Is he crazy or something like that

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  Oh, probably not…just NFL bureaucracy…he got in trouble, something about squirting…

 

Mustachio Porkleone: What do you guys think?

 

Kay Aponte:  eh-hem

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  oh, you first Kay

 

Kay Aponte:  I think we have to know what he knows about (whispering) porkleones (turning to Wedge and GPS) don’t you guys think so?

 

Sonny Wedge:  There is a lot of money in powder…

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:    Well, I say yes. There’s more money potential in narcotics than anything else we’re oinking at. Now if we don’t oink  it, somebody else will. Maybe one of the Five Proteins, maybe even Tofu. Now with the money they earn, they can buy more police and political power; then they oink after us. Now we have the unions, we have the gambling; an’ they’re the best things to have. But narcotics is a thing of the future. An’ if we don’t get a piece of that oink, we risk everything we have — I mean not now, but ah ten years from now.

 

Sonny Wedge:  There So, what’s your answer gonna be, Pop?

 

Kay Aponte:  (yelling at wedge) Don’t be so pushy Wedge!  (whispering to Mustachio) so what’s your answer going to be?

 

POUNCEY THE TURK WALKS IN THE ROOM. SONNY WEDGE APPROACHES HIM TO SHAKE HIS HAND

 

PounceyTheTurk

 

Sonny Wedge:  (holding out his hand)  Hello glad you could make….

 

Kay Aponte:  (pushing Wedge out of the way and taking Pouncey’s hand) glad you could make it here.   Here sit down, between Mustachio and I….

 

Pouncey the Turk:  Bene. Mustachio. I need a man who has powerful Oinks. I need a million dollars in cash. I need, Mustachio Porkleone, those politicians that you carry in your pocket, like so many nickels and dimes and I need a running back like Ka’Deem Carey to take a few snaps from Ryan Tannehill.

 KadeemCarey1

 

Mustachio Porkleone: Carey?  Is he a Porkleone?  What is the interests for my family?

 

Pouncey the Turk: 1,885 rushing yards last season and 19 TDs

 

Mustachio Porkleone: impressive numbers (nodding his head)

 

Pouncey the Turk: (continuing) over 1900 last year, with over 23TDs too

 

Mustachio Porkleone: Lot of mileage…Isn’t Rex Taraglia interested in him?

 

Pouncey the Turk: (to GPS) my compliments (the looking back at Mustachio) They will probably draft a punter instead, Geno Smith is still their QB…

 

Mustachio Porkleone: So the Dolphins get this Porkleone for finance — political influence, and legal protection, that’s what your telling me?

 

Pouncey the Turk: Well, and maybe you can use some of your influence…to…um…you know convince Commissioner Goodell that I passed a certain psychological test.  I’m not crazy or anything

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  (pouring Pouncey a glass of wine)  Eh…why do you come to me with this drug business? Why do I deserve this generosity?

 

Pouncey the Turk:  If you consider a million dollars in cash just finance, te salute, Don Porkleone. (he raises his glass to the air)

 

Musatchio Porkleone:   I said that I would see you because, I heard that you’re a serious man, to be treated with respect. But uh, I must say “no” to you — and I’ll give you my reasons. It’s true, I have a lot of friends in politics, but they wouldn’t be friendly very long if they knew my business was drugs instead of gambling, which they rule that as a — harmless oink. But drugs is a dirty business.

 

Pouncey the Turk:  Mustachio….

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  It — makes — it doesn’t make any difference to me what a man does for a living, understand. But your business is ah — a little dangerous.

 

Pouncey the Turk:  If you’re worried about my sanity, Rex Tattaglia’ will guarantee it.

 

Sonny Wedge:   Aw, you’re telling me that the Tattaglia’s guarantee it?

 

Kay Aponte:  (to Sonny Wedge) Wait a minute…(to Pouncey the Turk) I have a sentimental weakness for my piglets, and I spoil them as you can see; they talk when they should listen.

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Your piglets?

 

Kay Aponte:  Oh…of course…go ahead Mustachio

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  But, anyway, Pouncey, my no is final.  Ka’Deem Carey had almost 350 carries last year – that is too much mileage but I wish to congratulate you on your new business, and I know you’ll do very well; and good luck to you — as best as your interests don’t conflict with my interests. Thank you.

 

Kay Aponte:  (leaving the room) Santino Wedge, come’re. Whattsa matter with you? I think your brain is going soft from all that comedy your playing with that young girl. Never tell anybody outside the family what you’re thinking again!  (then, after Wedge exits) GPS (to GPS)  And uh, tell Prawn Brasi to come in, I have a job for him, he is going to find out more about this Pouncey and his business 

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Isn’t that my line?

 

Kay Aponte:  Oh…eh…of course…you tell Prawn…

 

PRAWN BRASI COMES IN THE ROOM AND SITS IN FRONT OF MUSTACHIO

 

 

Mustachio Porkleone:   Is it true that Rob Rang compares Ka’Deem Carey to Ahmad Bradshaw?

 

Prawn Brasi:  “….”

 

Mustachio Porkleone:   and Ryan Lownes compares him to Zac Stacy?

 

Prawn Brasi:  “….”

 

Mustachio Porkleone:   and Big Blue View thinks he is a perfect fit for a zone blocking scheme?

 

Prawn Brasi:  “….”

 

Mustachio Porkleone:   I’m a little worried about this Pouncey fella. I want you to find out what he’s got under his fingernails, ya’know. Go to the ah Tattaglia’s, uh, and ah, make them think that ah you’re — you’re not too happy with our family and — and ah find out what you can

 

LATER THAT DAY SONNY WEDGE PORKLEONE GOES TO HIS SISTER’S, CONNIE POKEY PORKLEONE’S APARTMENT TO SE HER.

 

Sonny Wedge:  (knocking on the door) Come on Pokey…its your brother, I came by to say hi, see how marriage is treating you.

 

Connie Pokey:  (through the door refusing to open the door)  Um…now is a bad time…um, I’m braiding my hair…um…

Sonny Wedge:  (knocking on the door again) Come on.  It’s me!

 

THE DOOR OPENS A LITTLE AND CONNIE POKEY PORKLEONE REVEALS THAT SHE HAS BEEN BADLY BEATEN BY CARLO SMITH

 

CPbeaten copy

 

Sonny Wedge:  (biting his hand)  What did he do?

 

Connie Pokey:  It was my fault Sonny…Don’t hurt him (trying to stop him as he storms off)

 

AT A STOOP OUTSIDE OF AN APARTMENT CARLO SMITH IS SITTING EATING AN APPLE AND TALKING TO SOME OF HIS FRIENDS.  A FIRE HYDRANT IS SPOUTING WATER IN THE STREET.  A CAR SUDDENLY PULL OVER ALMOST HITTING THE STOOP.  WEDGE JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR. 

 

Sonny Wedge:  (at Carlo Smith)  Come here!

 

CARLO SMITH BEGINS TO RUN BY IS QUICKLY SACKED BY WEDGE.  HE ALSO THROWS AN INTERCEPTION, JUST BECAUSE IT FEELS RIGHT

 

Sonny Wedge:  (punching Carlo Smith while he is covering himself on my ground)  My sister you son of a bitch!

 

WEDGE STANDS CARLO SMITH UP AND THEN PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE. 

 

WedgebeatsGeno

 

Sonny Wedge:  (kicking Carlo as he is on the ground)  A hamster!  You hit a hamster!

 

HE PICKS UP A TRASH CAN AND THROWS IT ON TOP OF CARLO SMITH.  SUDDENLY ANOTHER CAR PULLS UP.  KAY APONTE STEPS OUT OF THE CAR

 

Kay Aponte:  That is how you beat up the Quarterback of the NY Jests? (shaking her head in disgust)

 

Sonny Wedge:  What?  What are you doing here?

 

Kay Aponte:  Let me show you how it is done (removing a chainsaw from a bag)

 

Carlo Smith:  Hey! wait a second, that’s not in the script…

 

ELSEWHERE, PRAWN BRASI ENTERS A BAR TO MEET POUNCEY THE TURK AND THE TATTAGLIAS

 

Rex Tattaglia:  Prawn, I’m Rex Tattaglia

 

Prawn Brasi:  :…….”

 

POUNCEY THE TURK SITS NEXT TO PRAWN BRASI

 

Pouncey the Turk:  You know who I am?

 

Prawn Brasi:  :…….”

 

Pouncey the Turk:  You have been talking to the Tattaglia family…right? I think you and I can do business. I need someone strong like you. I heard you are not happy — with the Porkleone Family. Want to join me?

Prawn Brasi:  Ka’Deem Carey

 

KadeemCarey3

 

Pouncey the Turk:  Yes Carey.  He is a Porkloene!…(he slams a knife in Prawn’s hand)

 

SUDDENLY POUNCEY’S ASSOCIATE AARON HERNANDEZ WALKS BEHIND PRAWN BRASI.  PRAWN IS GARROTED BY HERNANDEZ

 

PrawnBraciaDies

 

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