MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE AND GRIFFIN FREDO PORKLEONE ARE DRIVING IN A CAR

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Afanculo Fredo, my idiot son, I just don’t understand why you have to drive me to the store!  You can barely tie your own shoes

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:  Duh….I’m smawt Pops, I’m smawt.  Paulie Inchworm called in sick today…but its okay I can drive you and I’m smawt huh Pops…I’m smawt 

 

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Paulie didn’t seem sick yesterday…seems a little odd that he suddenly got sick..that inchworm hasn’t been sick in 10 years…

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:  He probably has a headache from watching all those Charles Sims highlight clips…

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Ah yes…Sims…a good little Porkloene…a running back with hands like a receiver.

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:  Duh….but don’t worry, I’m smawt Pops…don’t you worry…I’m smawt and I’m gonna get you your veg-i-tables  (asking insecurely) huh Pops, I’m smawt?

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Oh…eh..of course Fredo…you are smart…hey pull over, there is the fruit stand (pointing)

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:  (stopping the car)  I see it Pops…because I’m smawt and I know what a veg-i-tables stand looks like.  (as Mustachio steps out of the car to go to the stand)  Pops, can you buy me some ice cream veg-i-tables?  

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  (sigh)  Yes Fredo…I will buy you some ice cream…(he leaves the car and walks to the stand)  Ah…(smelling a tomato) delizioso!  

 

MUSTACHIO HOLD UP FOUR FINGERS, GIVES THE FRUIT STAND GUY A FEW DOLLARS AND THE FRUIT STAND GUY BEGINS TO PACK TOMATOES IN A BAG.  WHILE THE MAN IS PACKING THE TOMATOES, AARON HERNANDEZ WEARING A TRENCH COAT APPROACHES MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Hey didn’t you used to play for the….

 

Aaron Hernandez:  Free Pouncey!  

 

HERNANDEZ FIRES A GUN THREE TIMES SHOOTING MUSTACHIO VITO PORKLEONE ALL THREE TIMES.  THEN HE DROPS THE GUN AND RUNS AWAY

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Figlio de Puttanta!  I’ve been shot (falling down on the fruit stand)

 

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:   Pops!!! (running out of the car) Did you eat a bad tomato?  

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  No Fredo…(struggling to speak)  it’s a hit.  I’ve been shot.

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:   I see that Pops!  I’m smawt.  I can see you’ve been shot.  Here (handing Mustachio a green pepper) Eat this.  It will heal you.  

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Bafangu Chooch!  Call an Ambulance already…

 

Fredo Griffin Porkleone:   Okay Pops…I’m smawt…I gonna call you an ambulance like you said…(using his phone to call the police)  I’m calling them now…Pops, when I’m done can I get some Veg-i-table ice cream?

 

Mustachio Porkleone:  Pezzo di merda (he passes out)

 

ELSEWHERE KAY APONTE AND PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE ARE WALKING OUT OF A MOVIE THEATER HAVING JUST FINISHED WATCHING THE FLYING NUN

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  (to Kay while laughing)  An when the Nun flies…hah hah…it gets me every time…why would a nun fly like she is a pig or something…that is so funny!  I almost enjoyed it as much as watching Charles Sims catch 70 passes when he played for Houston in 2009.

 

Kay Aponte:  (laughing with Piggy)  I know…Sims is an amazing receiver.  He reminds me of former Miami Dolphin Terry Kirby, except he is a more powerful runner.  (she notices something at the newspaper stand as they walk by)  Piggy…(she suddenly gets quiet)

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  What is it Kay?

 

Kay Aponte:  Its your father!  (grabbing the newspaper from the stand and showing Piggy)  Look!

 

 

LATER THAT NIGHT PIGGY GOES TO THE HOSPITAL WITH A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS TO VISIT HIS FATHER. 

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  (walking around the hospital halls)  Hmmm, that’s odd, where is the security we hired….

 

A NURSE WALKS BY AND STOPS IN FRONT OF PIGGY

 

 

Nurse:  Excuse me, there are no farm animals allowed in the hospital

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  But I am a Porkloene!  Like Charles Sims who has almost 3500 career rushing yards.  He was a four year starter in college.  First for Houston, then for West Virginia.  His nickname is “The Weapon”. 

 

Nurse:  Oh (embarrassed) I didn’t realize.  You must be here to see your father?  You just passed his room…

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: Here???  Where are all the police to guard him?

 

Nurse:  Police?  Well they were here  about an hour ago, but Seargent Saban McClusky sent them home.  

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: Saban!   That dick!  Come on we need to move my father to a different room

 

Nurse:  That’s against hospital policy!  

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: You know who my father is right?  There are some very dangerous men, dangerous like Charles Sims to an opposing defense.  Those men are coming to kill my father…I need your help

 

Nurse:  I can’t help you

 

SUDDENLY KAY APONTE DROPS FROM THE CEILING TO THE GROUND LIKE A NINJA.  SHE LANDS BEHIND THE NURSE AND QUICKLY SNAPS HER NECK 

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: What did you do that for?

 

Kay Aponte:  Shhhhh….we need to move him fast

 

THEY MOVE MUSTACHIO VITO AND HIS BED TO A DIFFERENT ROOM.  FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD DOWN THE HALL JUST AS THEY ENTER THE NEW ROOM.  PIGGY SHUTS THE DOOR TO THE NEW ROOM AND PEEKS OUT.

 

AARON HERNANDEZ WALKS UP TO THE OLD ROOM.  HE SEES THE DEAD NURSE ON THE FLOOR BUT DOES NOT SEE MUSTACHIO.  HE SHRUGS.   BUT THEN HE PICKS UP THE DEAD NURSE AND CARRIES HER AWAY

 

Aaron Hernandez:  (walking down the hall with the dead nurse on his shoulder)  I have a rental car trunk that is perfect for you.

 

AS SOON AS HERNANDEZ LEAVES THE HOSPITAL PIGGY AND KAY APONTE COME OUT OF THE ROOM

 

Kay Aponte:  Piggy, go to the front door of the hospital, stop anyone from coming in.  Pretend you have a gun in your coat.

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: Where are you going?

 

Kay Aponte:  I can’t stay Piggy.  

 

KAY APOTE THROWS A SMOKE BOMB ON THE FLOOR.  WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS SHE IS GONE.

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: (whispering in amazement)  …Aponte… 

 

PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE RUNS TO THE FRONT OF THE HOSPITAL AND HE PRETENDS THERE IS A GUN IN HIS COAT.  A CAR DRIVES BY THE HOSPITAL, SLOWING DOWN CONSPICUOUSLY AS IT PASSES.  

 

Man in the Car :  (screaming as the car pulls away)  Bucky Brooks compares Charles Sims to Matt Forte!

 

THE THE CAR SPEEDS UP AND DRIVES AWAY.  

 

A MINUTE LATER TWO POLICE CARS PULL UP AND STOP AT THE FRONT GATES OF THE HOSPITAL.  SEARGENT SABAN MCCLUSKY AS WELL AS TWO COPS STEP OUT OF THE CAR.

 

 

Saban McClusky:  (to Piggy)  I thought I had all you sausages locked up!

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: What happened to the men who were supposed to be guarding my father?

 

Saban McClusky:  Why you little Pork!  What the hell are you doing telling me my business.  I pulled ‘em off here…Now get outta here and don’t come back.  

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: I’m not leaving until you put some guards around my father’s room!

 

Saban McClusky:  Alright, have it your way…test me like Many Wright.  (to two of the officers) hold him up!

 

SABAN PUNCHES PIGGY IN THE FACE

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone: Squeal!

 

A PORKLEONE CAR SUDDENLY SCREECHES UP. TOM CONSIGLIERI GPS GETS OUT.  

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  I’m attorney for the Porkleone family. These men are private detectives hired to protect Mustachio Vito Porkleone. They’re licensed to carry firearms. If you interfere, you’ll have to appear before a judge in the morning and show cause.

 

Saban McClusky:  (to the other police officers)  Let him go…to the end zone like Sims and his 11 rushing TDs last year.

 

THE POLICE RELEASE PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE AND DRIVE AWAY

 

THE NEXT DAY PIGGY MICHAEL PORKLEONE, SONNY WEDGE PORKLEONE,  TOM CONSIGLIEIRI GPS, JOANNA TESSIO AND RICHIE CLEMENZA ARE SITTING AT THE PORKLEONE ESTATE AND TALKING

 

Sonny Wedge Porkleone:  We have to hit the Tattaglia’s with everything we got!  Like Sims used to do as part of the Houston offense!

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  We can’t do that Sonny it will start and all out war.  You are taking this very personal…

 

Paulie the Inchworm:  (sniffling)  Um…you guys need me for anything else…

 

Sonny Wedge Porkleone: No no, feel better (after the Inchworm leaves he speaks to Richie and Joanna)  I want you to take care of him…

 

A PORKLEONE GUARD BRINGS IN A PACKAGE.  RICHIE CLEMENZA UNWRAPS THE PACKAGE.  IN THE PACKAGE HE FINDS A FISH WRAPPED IN PRAWN BRASI’S BULLET PROOF VEST.  

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  Its from Pouncey the Turk.  What is it?

 

Sonny Wedge Porkleone:  Its a ham sign.  Its means Prawn Brasi sleeps with the fishes…

 

 

THE PHONE RINGS AND JOANNA TESSIO ANSWERS

 

Joanna Tessio:  (answering the phone)  Mommy?

 

Pouncey the Turk (voice from phone):  No its not that squirting bitch.  It’s me the Turk.  I want to have a meeting with one of the Porkleones tomorrow night at Louis to discuss my proposal…I will be with Saban…no funny stuff (he hangs up)

 

Joanna Tessio:  Its Pouncey the Turk.  He made me cry.  I hate him!  (he begins to cry uncontrollably)  

 

Richie Clemenza:  (placing his arm around Martin to console him) What did he say?  (then he punches Tessio)  Tell us now pussy!

 

Joanna Tessio:  He said he wants a meeting

 

Richie Clemenza:  Lets all go to Tootsies!

 

Joanna Tessio:  He said just one of us at Louis.

 

Sonny Wedge Porkleone:  Okay, I will show up with guns blazing, like Sims in a spread offense.  I will have more than 2,000 career receiving yards like Sims and I will kill Pouncey and that crooked cop too.

 

Tom Consiglieri GPS:  You can’t kill a cop Sonny.  Besides they are bound to search you when you meet there.

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  I will go.  They won’t expect anything from me. I’m a civilian.  We just need to hide the gun in the meeting place

 

 

Joanna Tessio:  He said he wants a meet at Louis.  Its perfect.  They have one of those old fashioned toilets.  We can hide the gun there.  

 

Sonny Wedge Porkleone:  Okay great.  Piggy, this is what you do.  You oink with them, make them feel comfortable, then you go to the bathroom…or better yet you ask to go use the bathroom…

 

Richie Clemenza:  Then you get the gun from the toilet.  You come out, hold it at your side.  Shoot two shots, drops the gun and leave.  Don’t look anyone in the snout!

 

THE NEXT MORNING PAULIE INCHWORM AND JOANNA MARTIN ARE DRIVING IN THE CAR. THEY PICK UP RICHIE CLEMENZA AT TOOTSIES

 

Richie Clemenza:  (stepping in the car with a box of cannolis) Who knew these strippers can bake too!  

 

Paulie Inchworm:  Um, Richie, (speaking nervously)  Do you mind sliding over to the right, you are blocking the rear view mirror?

 

THE CAR DRIVES WELL INTO NEW JERSEY

 

 

Richie Clemenza:  Hey pull over Paulie, I have to take a leak.

 

THE CAR PULLS OVER.  RICHIE CLEMENZA GETS OUT BUT JOANNA TESSIO AND THE INCHWORM STAY IN THE CAR.  AS CLEMENZA IS USING THE BATHROOM A GUN SHOT IS HEARD FROM ISNIDE THE CAR.  JOANNA TESSIO STEPS OUT OF THE CAR WITH A SMOKING GUN.  

 

Richie Clemenza:  Take the cannolis, leave the weapon…

 

Joanna Tessio:  The weapon?  Leave Charles Sims behind.  I don’t think so.  Do you know how many total yards he had for West Virginia last year?  Almost 1500! The dude can do it all.  He is 214 pounds.  Not a small back, he can pick up the tough yards inside too!

 

Richie Clemenza:  I meant the gun…

 

Joanna Tessio:  Oh, okay…give me a minute.  I’m going to email my mommy and let her know what you made me do…you big meanie!

 

LATER THAT NIGHT AT LOUIS RESTAURANT, PIGGY ARRIVES TO MEET WITH POUNCEY THE TURK AND SABAN MCCLUSKY FOR DINNER.  MCCLUSKY PATS PIGGY DOWN AND CLEARS HIM. 

 

Saban McClusky:  How are the pork chops in this restaurant?

 

Pouncey the Turk:  The best int he city!

 

Saban McClusky:  Piggy, sorry about that business in the hospital.  No hard feelings right?

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  No hard feelings (gritting his teeth)

 

Pouncey the Turk:  (to Saban) I’m going to oink with Piggy for a minute if you don’t mind. (to Piggy)  Oink.  Oink.  Oink Oink Oink and Oink.

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  (responding)  Oink Oink Oink  Charles Sims Oink Oink

 

Pouncey the Turk:  (to Piggy) Oink Oink (nodding his head) Occasionally returned kicks for West Virginia too.  Oink Oink Oink

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Oink Oink Oink…um…do you mind if I use the bathroom?

 

PIGGY GOES TO THE BATHROOM AND FIND THE GUN HIDDEN IN THE TOILET.  HE COME OUT TO THE TABLE AND LOOKS POUNCEY IN THE EYE.  THAN HE SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD,  HE TURNS TO SABAN MCCLUSKY POINTING THE GUN AT HIM

 

 

PIGGY SHOOTS SABAN MCCLUSKY THREE TIMES IN THE HEAD, NECK AND BODY

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Wait a second….cut…this does not feel right

 

Phil B. Joseph:  (walking on set)  Piggy what’s a matter?

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  I don’t know.  Its Saban.  I think for Dolfans everywhere.  This scene needs to be a little more painful.  

 

Phil B. Joseph:  Painful?  Like kicking Saban in the shins (he kicks Saban)

 

Saban McClusky:  Ow!

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Yeah…but maybe a little more.  (he takes a steak knife and sticks it in Saban’s eye)

 

Phil B. Joseph:  I see.  Like this (smashing a chair over Saban’s head)

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  Argggh!  Let me at him (he lunges at Saban and begins smashing his head in the ground)  You fucking jerk!

 

Phil B. Joseph:  Watch the language Piggy (handing Piggy a bat)

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  (swinging the bat at Saban)  Not leaving the Dolphins you say.  Going to work through your contract!  (Piggy begins to foam at the mouth)  I hate you Saban.  

 

Phil B. Joseph:  (lighting Saban on fire)  Okay Piggy, I like where you are going with this scene.

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:  I want this asshole’s head on a spike (Piggy drops a Piano on Saban)

 

Phil B. Joseph:  (firing a bazooka at Saban)  Great work Piggy, your passion is so real, but I can do without the profanity…

 

Piggy Michael Porkleone:   (Piggy scoops of Saban’s remains and puts it in a blender.  Then he turns the blender on)  I don’t care anymore!  I hate you SABAN!  I HATE YOU!!!

 

 

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