THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #75: THE ODDYSSEY IS BACK!!!

starlite-in

 

CHIP AND HIS GIRL SANDY ARE INSIDE HIS CONVERTIBLE, WITH THE TOP UP, AT THE DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATER.  CHIP HAS HIS ARM AROUND SANDY WHO HAS HER HEAD ON CHIP’S SHOULDER.

 

Sandy:  Thanks for bringing me to the drive-in tonight Chip.

 

Chip: Of course I brought you here…I feel like the luckiest guy in the world with you.

 

Sandy:  Oh Chip (blushing)

 

Chip: Oh Sandy (giggling)

 

Sandy:  This drive-in is so romantic

 

Chip: Sandy…um…I’ve been meaning to ask you something…

 

Sandy:  What Chip?  (excitedly turning towards him)

 

Chip: Sandy…will you wear my jacket…and be my girl?

 

Sandy:  Oh Chip!  (she grabs the jacket and hugs Chip)  You are so dreamy.

 

Chip: (putting the jacket over Sandy’s shoulders) And don’t you worry Sandy…no one will ever hurt you again.  You will never be offended again.  No more vulgarity, no more insults, no more profanity, no more jokes in poor taste, no more games at Hooters with crappy wings, no more drunk by halftime, no more cheap shots at AFC East rivals and most of all no more NFL Football and no more Miami Dolphins!

 

Sandy:  Chip (her eyes tear up) the Miami Dolphins really hurt me when they lost those final two game last….

 

Chip: (interrupting and placing his finger over Sandy’s mouth)  Shhhhhhhh….never again Sandy…never again…

 

Sandy:  Oh Chip!

 

Full drive wathingOinkfather

 

Chip: (pausing a moment then nervously speaking)  Um…Sandy…um…well…can I ask you…um…something else?

 

Sandy:  Ask away dreamboat!

 

Chip: eh…Sandy…did you…um…eh…did you fart?

 

Sandy:  What??? (pulling away from Chip)

 

Chip: I’m sorry Sandy…it smells in here…I didn’t fart…

 

Sandy:  (turning away from Chip angrily and looking out the window) Well I didn’t fart either!

 

Chip: Well roll down the window or something…

 

Sandy:  (rolling down the window and making a face) Oh God…what is that? It smells worse out there.

 

Chip: Sandy…Do you hear that?…Is some one screaming outside?

 

SUDDENLY A WOMEN COVERED IN BLOOD SLAMS HER BLOODY HAND ON THE HALF ROLLED DOWN CAR WINDOW.  SANDY TRIES TO ROLL UP THE WINDOW BUT THE BLOODY WOMAN IS PULLING IT DOWN

 

Bloody Woman:   Arrrgghhhhhhhhh!  Its horrible!  Please help me!  Please help all of us!

 

Sandy: What?  What is horrible?  What is it?

 

Bloody Woman:   If you value anything about your life, get out of here!  It’s Back!!!  Arrrrghhhhhhhh (she runs away from the car screaming)

 

AFTER THE BLOODY WOMAN RUNS AWAY, CHIP AND SANDY NOTICE THAT THE ENITRE DRIVE-IN IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING AND PANICKING

 

Chip: Why is everyone screaming?  What are they pointing up at?

 

Sandy:  I don’t know.  Put down the top so we can see what’s up there.

 

CHIP PRESSES A BUTTON CAUSING THE TOP OF THE CONVERTIBLE TO SLOWLY COME DOWN 

 

Chip: ewwwwww….it really smells

 

Sandy:  like fart…like pig fart…Chip look!  (pointing up)

 

CHIP AND SANDY BOTH LOOK UP AND SCREAM

 

TheOddysseyisBack

 

A 500 FOOT FLYING PIG SITS ON THE CAR CRUSHING IT

 

THE ODDYSSEY IS BACK!

AFTER A PAINFUL ENDING LAST SEASON, WHICH ENDED WITH TWO STRAIGHT LOSSES AND THE MIAMI DOLPHINS MISSING THE PLAYOFFS, PEOPLE THOUGHT THE ODDYSSEY WAS DEAD.  PEOPLE WERE WRONG!

 

WITH THE END OF THE SUMMER, THE LEAVES TURNED BROWN AND THE SCENT OF FOOTBALL WAS IN THE AIR AGAIN…AND PIG FART TOOAND WITH THAT THE RENEWED HOPES FOR A NEW NFL SEASON. 

 

LIKE THE KARDASHIAN’S INEXPLICABLE ABILITY TO AVOID HERPES, AGAINST ALL ODDS THE FANS OF THE MIAMI DOLPHINS CONTINUE TO HOPE THAT THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT, DESPITE HAVING THEIR HEARTS RIPPED OUT YEAR AFTER YEAR.  

 

AND THERE IT WAS.  NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY FOUGHT IT.  MIAMI DOLPHINS FANS BEGAN TO GET EXCITED ABOUT THE 2014 NFL SEASON.  

 

SO THE ODDYSSEY CAME BACK WITH A VENGEANCE.  IN THE FORM OF A 500 FOOT FLYING PIG.

 

AFTER LABOR DAY WEEKEND, THE 500 FOOT PIGGY TERRORIZED THE EARTH.  HE OINKED, SQUEALED AND FARTED EVERYWHERE.  SOON, NFL FANS EVERYWHERE AND PARTICULARLY MIAMI DOLPHIN FANS TOLD THEMSELVES “THIS IS OUR YEAR!”

 

PigOverEarth

 

THIS IS THE STORY OF SEPTEMBER HOPE AND PORK.

 

Random Panicking Human #1:  Oh God!  What did we do to deserve this? 

 

THE SOUND OF A THUNDEROUS OINK SHAKES THE EARTH

 

Random Panicking Human #2:  For the love of humanity – make it stop!

 

AN EAR PIERCING SQUEAL CAUSES THE GROUND TO OPEN UP BENEATH THE HUMANS

 

Random Panicking Human #3:  It’s Unholy!!!!

 

A FART BLASTS OUT THE WINDOWS OF ALL THE BUILDINGS AROUND THE HUMANS

 

Easy Going Human:  You know, I see no reason we can’t have an effective screen game this year…

 

ELSEWHERE IN A MYSTERIOUS SECRET UNKNOWN HIDDEN UNSEEN AND ALSO MYSTERIOUS MILITARY BASE

 

General Jaded:  Men (looking at two soldiers in the room) we are all that is left!  We must stop the 500 foot Piggy, it’s now or never!

 

Sergeant Duped: Sir (handing a file to the General) the Pig has hit us everywhere.  Showing a map to the General.  We knew Florida was going to get hit bad, and Georgia is right there too but we didn’t expect the devastation in New Jersey.

 

General Jaded:  The Pig took out the entire East Coast in less than a week. New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Pennsylvania and down to West Virginia.

 

Sergeant Duped: He hit the West Coast too.  California is still having fart aftershocks.  He moved on land, hit Colorado, Texas and Wyoming.  He even hit some of the Midwest states leveling Minnesota and Iowa.

 

Private Newbie:  For the love of God, Its bacon all over this country!

 

Sergeant Duped: He even hit the United Kingdom.  The Queen is completely porked!  And Manitoba too…

 

General Jaded:  Man-ee-who?  Never mind.  We have to find him before he strikes and stop that Giant Piggy!

 

Private Newbie:  But how sir?  He is all over the World!  How do we find him?

 

General Jaded:  Son…I’ve been tracking this Pig a long time.  I created this device – Porkdar.

 

PigTrackingDevice

 

Private Newbie:  I see the Piggy on the Porkdar….and he looks like he is headed straight at us!

 

General Jaded:  He can sense our hope…some one around here must be expecting big things for the Dolphins.

 

Private Newbie:  But who would be that stupid?  The Miami Dolphins…are you kidding…they are hopelessly average…er worse…they are ranked low on the preseason power rankings!  And that means something!

 

General Jaded:  Its sometimes hard to understand Private…these Dolfans, well they rip their own team, they don’t go to games, they some times even talk about a Patriots dynasty…but when you look them in the eyes, you can always see it…they have hope…

 

Private Newbie:  Permission to speak freely about the Dolphins sir.

 

General Jaded:  Speak your mind Private…

 

Private Newbie:  The Dolphins…I mean come on.  They start the season with two defensive stars suspended for PEDs for the first 4 games, the first game is against the Patriots, they interviewed about a half dozen general managers who turned them down, Ryan Tannehill and Mike Wallace can’t connect on the deep ball and the whole Incognito vs Martin saga…well I don’t even know what that was…how can anyone…

 

General Jaded:  Its tough to understand Private.  You win your first three, you lose your next three, you find out your offensive line has meetings in strip clubs, you play well and beat some contenders and then suddenly Thad Lewis ends your season…but it does not matter why…its very close…that Pig is headed straight for us.  Some one in this room is a Miami Dolphins fan and looking forward to the 2014 season.

 

Private Newbie:  Don’t look at me.  I’m from Cleveland.  Hey, the Browns are going to be good this year.

 

General Jaded:  (he slaps the Private in the face)  Son, this is no time to be retarded!

 

Private Newbie:  General (pointing at the Sergeant) look!

 

SERGEANT DUPED HAS HIS BACK TURNED AT THE GENERAL AND THE PRIVATE AND IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW MUMBLING TO HIMSELF

 

General Jaded:  Sergeant!  Aren’t you from Florida?

 

Sergeant Duped: Orlando (refusing to turn around and look at the General) not South Florida…

 

General Jaded:  But Central Florida is filled with Dolfans!

 

Sergeant Duped:  No…not me….um (he keeps his back turned while he speaks) I’m a fan of the Buccaneers…yeah the Bucs…I bleed creamsicle…er um pewter…er whatever stupid thing they are doing with their uniform now.

 

General Jaded:  Sergeant!  Turn around, look me in the eye and tell me you are not a fan of the Miami Dolphins.

 

Sergeant Duped:  Well…okay (his voice is shaking as he turns around)

 

General Jaded:  Oh My God!  He has the Tanny Eyes!

 

SGTTannyEyes

 

Sergeant Duped:  (fallen to his knees)  This was the year I was finally going to remember which Pouncey played for us…

 

Private Newbie:  Sergeant (grabbing him by the shoulders)  Snap out of it.  You have five new starters on the offensive line to start the season.

 

Sergeant Duped:  Yeah, but these guys are better fits…And the new line coach looks like Super Mario.

 

Private Newbie:  (he slaps the Sergeant) Don’t do this!  Don’t do this to yourself.

 

Sergeant Duped:  Okay Luigi

 

Private Newbie:  Sergeant, they are not good, and what does it matter anyway.  Lamar Miller is nothing special and Knowshon Moreno…well he is not going to play 16 games!

 

Sergeant Duped:  I tried Private.  But I can’t fight it.  in January you think to yourself.  Well I should have known better and say things like “of course” to other Dolfans, but you didn’t believe it would end so badly, you thought there would be a miracle.  Then you watch the Super Bowl and say, “hey, we beat that team last year, we are not so far off”.  Then its into free agency, money is thrown around, but you’re better…You are better now!  In March, I didn’t know who Ju’wann James was, but by early May, he is a perfect fit…Next thing you know its training camp, then preseason and you are watching highlights of Brandon Gibson dancing in the end zone…Its got me Private…its got me!

 

Private Newbie:  But Sergeant…

 

Sergeant Duped:  The Piggy comes!  (he points out the window toward the ocean)

 

GiantPiggyatBeach

 

General Jaded:  Step aside Private (reaching for his sidearm)

 

Private Newbie:  Wait!

 

THE GENERAL SHOOT THE SERGEANT IN THE HEAD KILLING HIM

 

Private Newbie:  You killed him!

 

General Jaded:  Killed?  Son, he is a fan of the Miami Dolphins he has been dying a little each Sunday since Dan Marino retired.

 

Private Newbie:  Well, I guess you saved him 17 weeks of pain.  But how do we stop the 500 foot Piggy General?  He is heading straight for us and it smells like fart.

 

General Jaded:  Stop?  Stop?  Private, we can’t stop that Piggy.

 

Private Newbie:  We can’t?

 

General Jaded:  No…and you know…(he stays uncomfortably silent for a minute)

 

Private Newbie:  Know what?

 

General Jaded:  We are probably going to be a top 5 defense this year.

 

Private Newbie:  Oh no General…not you?

 

General Jaded:  I’m just saying, we are stacked up front, and I really like our corners.  We got a couple of vets starting and two up and comers behind them…

 

Private Newbie:  but General…

 

General Jaded:  Ryan Tannehill might lead the league in passing yards this year. (bringing his gun to his own head)

 

Private Newbie:  Snap out of it General…don’t let it take you!

 

General Jaded:  Charles Clay is a great sleeper pick in fantasy!

 

THE GENERAL PULLS THE TRIGGER AND KILLS HIMSELF

 

Private Newbie:  Oh no (crying out of frustration)  What do you want 500 foot Piggy!  (throwing his hands up in the air)  What do you oinking want!

 

PiggyonEmpire

 

MORE FINS NEWS:

 

DOLPHINS 2014 SEASON:

 

Greg Cote: Many reasons to put faith in Miami Dolphins – Greg Cote – MiamiHerald.com
An angel sits on one shoulder and a little devil on the other. Both are talking to you, Dolphins fan, vying for your ear and your soul. One is sowing darkness, the other light. One despair, the other hope. You hear the devil first, because while good tends to whisper, bad shouts.

 

Miami Dolphins open wallet, revamp front office in effort to end losing habit – Miami Dolphins – MiamiHerald.com
And the Dolphins this spring came perilously close to doing just that.

 

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