THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #76: Patriots @ Dolphins

 

Sucks for youBrady

 

COLONPOKEY IS CURLING A BARBELL IN A MAKESHIFT GYM HE CREATED IN TH BARN.  WEDGE RUNS IN FROM OF GYM ND IS VERY UPSET. 

 

Colonpokey:  (under his breath, to himself) Gotta get buff for Geno Smith.  Gotta add muscle…

 

Wedge: Colonpokey – its’ horrible.  Some one hacked my iCloud account

 

Colonpokey:  Shhhh…I’m pumping up to impress the great love of my life…Geno Smith…

 

Wedge: I’m so embarrassed…all those pics

 

MUSTACHIO WALKS IN THE ROOM.  HE IS LOOKING AT HIS TABLET AND LAUGHING.

 

Mustachio:  Affanculo…you won’t believe these pics of this naked alien some one just tweeted me…

 

WedgeSelfie

 

Wedge: (blushing)  I gotta go (running out of the room)

 

Mustachio:  Che Cazzo…what got into him…

 

Colonpokey:  Shhhh…how am I supposed to impress Geno Smith with all these distractions!

 

Mustachio:  Um Colonpokey, you have been working out a lot….

 

ColonpokeyWeights

 

Colonpokey:  (standing up and drinking a “protein shake”) Yep…hey look, its no secret.  When you are a hamster and you get a little older, the QBs of the Jests just don;t look at you like they used to.  They go for the younger rodents.

 

Mustachio:  But i coglioni Colonpokey, you have been drinking a lot of those…um…shakes too…

 

Colonpokey:  Yeah…its a little concoction I created.  I blended some amphetamines, testosterone and oysters together and its delicious!  Want some?

 

Mustachio:  Um no thanks

 

PSYCHIC GPS WALKS IN THE ROOM HOLDING A LETTER

 

Psychic GPS:  You guys I got bad news…

 

Colonpokey:  (nervously) is that an NFL stamp on that letter?

 

Psychic GPS:  Yes Colonpokey it is (lowering his head before he states bad news) Its a letter from the league.  You have been suspended for 4 episodes of the Oddyssey for using PEDs.

 

Colonpokey:  Oh No!  It can’t be!

 

Psychic GPS:  I’m afraid its true Colonpokey (handing him the letter and consoling him)  You may have overdid this offseason

 

Colonpokey:  But 4 episodes! You don’t know the pressure I’m under!  Do you know how hard it is to impress Geno Smith…He is a rodent whore…I have to standout from the others.

 

Psychic GPS:  Um…Colonpokey…can you take your hand off my knee?

 

PIGGY RUNS INTO THE ROOM BLOWING A WHISTLE

 

pigblowinhwhistle

 

The Flying Pig:  (pointing at Colonpokey)  You are outta here!

 

Colonpokey:  Wait Piggy, let me explain…

 

The Flying Pig:  Nope (pushing Colonpokey to the door) rules are rules (pushing Colonpokey out the door) and you broke them (closing the door to lock out Colonpokey)

 

Colonpokey:  (through the door) I can appeal…I will have Geno Smith…Pokey always gets his butt!

 

The Flying Pig:  (laughing out loud)  What an asshole huh?

 

Psychic GPS:  (nodding his head)  A bit hard don’t you think?

 

THE LITTLE PRAWN ENTERS THE ROOM HOLDING A SMALL SUITCASE.  HE PLACES THE SUITCASE ON THE FLOOR AND WAIVES GOODBYE TO EVERYONE

 

The Flying Pig:  Where are you going prawny?

 

THE LITTLE PRAWN SPEAKS BUT THE ONLY THING THAT CAN BE HEARD IS A BARELY AUDIBLE SQUEAKING NOISE

 

The Little Prawn:  “…..”

 

The Flying Pig:  Yes you are right!  Bacon is the work of the devil!

 

Psychic GPS:  That is not what he said Piggy.  Why would he have suitcases if he said that?  Prawn, I didn’t hear you, what did you say?

 

The Little Prawn:  “…..”

 

Mustachio: He just called my wife a zoccola…and he is right …that whore!  (Mustachio runs out of the room crying)

 

Psychic GPS:  I’m sure that is not what he said either…

 

The Little Prawn:  (speaking in a bullhorn) I said I’m leaving

 

TheLittlePrawnExplosion

 

Psychic GPS:  What?  Why?

 

The Little Prawn:  (speaking in a bullhorn) I’m going to New England, to Foxboro Castle…Long has the shellfish suffered since I left.  I must avenge my fish.  New England will pay!  (he slams an arm on the ground)  They will pay dearly!

 

The Flying Pig:  How will you get there?

 

The Little Prawn:  The Prawn Way…I will swim

 

182 WEEKS LATER, THE LITTLE PRAWN ARRIVES AT FOXBORO CASTLE WHEN THE LITTLE PRAWN ARRIVES HE IS GREETED BY TYRION HAMISTER, A DWARF PIG, NOT MUCH LARGER THAN THE AVERAGE PIGLET 

 

Tyrion Hamister:  Greetings Prawn and welcome to Foxboro Castle.  Um…what brings you to Foxboro castle

 

The Little Prawn:  (speaking into a bullhorn) Oh…I um here for a wedding…

 

Tyrion Hamister:  Oh come now Prawn, let’s be truthful here…there is no wedding…I know why you are here…You are here to avenge your fallen shellfish, specifically your sister, Elliyah Prawn.

 

Tyrion Hamister

 

The Little Prawn:  “…….” (forgetting to speak in his bullhorn)

 

Tyrion Hamister:  Yes, yes the Gronk did horrible things to her….and maybe some one higher up gave the order (under his breath) like King Belicheat…but that is neither here nor there…the thing is there dis a big fight tomorrow, you see, Lady Tom has accused me of some dubious things, and well…I demanded a trial by combat…and Lady Tom has a champion and I need one…so…um…

 

The Little Prawn:  “…….” (forgetting to speak in his bullhorn)

 

Tyrion Hamister:  You will fight for me!  Oh Prawn!  You do me great honor!  (running away excitedly)  I have a champion!

 

The Little Prawn:  (speaking into his bullhorn)  Wait…I saw you are screwed!

 

BUT TYRION DOES NOT HERE THE PRAWN AND MOMENTS LATER THE LITTLE PRAWN STARTS RECEIVING TEXTS

 

Text 1:  Prawny?  What are you doing?  The Gronk is a beast!  Your pal, Psychic GPS

 

Text 2:  You stupid shellfish.  My champion is going to end your life.  Sincerely, Lady Tom

 

Text 3:  Oinking Crazy.  All I am hearing is that you are fighting the Gronk.  Good Oink to you.  Your Truly, Piggy

 

Text 4:  We’ve been watching you for some time now.  Fuck Off, King Belicheat

 

THE NEXT DAY THE LITTLE PRAWN IS INSIDE THE FIGHTING AREA OF AN ARENA.  HE IS DRESSED IN VERY LIGHT ARMOR AND CARRIES A LONG SPEAR.  HE DOES A FEW BACK FLIPS FOR THE CROWD WHO APPLAUD HIM.

 

THE GRONK, DRESSED IN HEAVY ARMOR, EXCEPT FOR A SHIRT ALSO STEPS OUT ON TO THE FIGHTING AREA.  HE IS CARRYING A HEAVY TWO-HANDED SWORD. 

 

KING BELICHEAT AND LADY TOM ARE AMONG THE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE.

 

King Belicheat:  (standing up) Ladies and Gentleman and Pigs.  We are here to witness the the trial by combat of Tyrion Hamister.  The Gods will tell us if he is innocent.

 

The Little Prawn:  (speaking to the Gronk and into the bullhorn)  Do you know who I am?

 

The Gronk:  (lunging clumsily at the Little Prawn)  Some dead crustacean! (he misses badly as the Little Prawn moves to the side)

 

The Little Prawn:  (speaking to the into the bullhorn)  I am the brother of Elliyah Prawn.  And do you know what I have come all the way to this stinking shit pile of a city…for you…I’m going to hear you confess before I kill you.  Say it now and I will make it quick.

 

ThePrawnvsGronk

 

The Gronk:  (swinging his sword and missing again)  Arghhhh!

 

The Little Prawn:  You taped her, you boiled her, you served her with pasta!

 

The Gronk:  (swings again but the Little Prawn blocks his swing this time)  Gronk!  Gronk no like shirts!

 

The Little Prawn:  You taped her, you boiled her, you served her with pasta (he flips over the Gronk and then knocks the sword out of his hand)  You taped her, you boiled her, you served her with pasta!

 

THE LITTLE PRAWN SWINGS HIS SPEAR UNDER THE FEAT OF THE GRONK, KNOCKING HIM OFF HIS FEET TO THE GROUND ON HIS BACK

 

The Gronk:  (gaping on the ground)  Gronk like fettuccini.

 

The Little Prawn:  You taped her, you boiled her, you served her with pasta!  (he puts his spear in Gronks armor)

 

The Gronk:  Gronk hurt again…

 

The Little Prawn:  (into his bullhorn)  Oh no!  You can’t die now.  You have not admitted everything.  (screaming)  Who gave you the order?  Who told you to tape her?  (pointing at King Belicheat) Was it Belicheat…Did Belicheat tell you to tape her.

 

King Belicheat: (shrugging)  mumble mumble mumble

 

NOW RIGHT ABOUT NOW, AVID GAME OF THRONE WATCHERS ARE EXPECTING A TURN OF EVENTS.  BUT NOT IN THE ODDYSSEY.  THE LITTLE PRAWN WOULD GO ON TO DEFEAT GRONK.  BELICHEAT WOULD ADMIT TO TAPING PRAWNY’S SISTER AND MANY OTHER EVENTS…

 

THE LITTLE PRAWN WOULD GO ON TO LIVE A GREAT LONG SHELLFISH LIFE (ABOUT 3 WEEKS) HE WOULD SPEND THE REST OF HIS SHELLFISH LIFE DATING MANY BEAUTIFUL FISH, WINNING RANDOM STATE LOTTERIES AND DRINKING TEQUILA.  HE BECAME A SHELLFISH HERO.  A ENORMOUS PRAWN STATUE WAS ERECTED IN HIS HONOR (ABOUT 16 INCHES) WHICH WAS ACCIDENTLLY EATEN IN A SALAD.

 

AND BEST OF ALL THE DOLPHINS BEAT THE PATRIOTS 27-24!

 

Wake sacks Brady

 

 

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