THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #77: Dolphins @ Bills

 

PiggyWake

 

PSYCHIC GPS WALKS INTO A ROOM WITH MUSTACHIO AND PIGGY. 

 

Psychic GPS:  Seems quiet around here with Colonpokey and The Little Prawn gone

 

The Flying Pig: and Wedge too

 

Psychic GPS:  What do you mean Wedge?  He is gone?

 

Mustachio: Mannaggia tua…that crazy alien has packed his things up to leave for a trip…but he won’t tell us where.

 

WedgeLeaving

 

WEDGE FLIES BY THE BARN IN HIS UFO

 

Wedge:  See you guys later…

 

Psychic GPS:  Wedge…where are you going?

 

Wedge: Can’t talk about it now…(flying away in his UFO)

 

Mustachio:  Affanculo, he was being very quiet about it…it was suspicious

 

Psychic GPS:  Well, I guess its just you two and me now.

 

The Flying Pig:  That’s right…so which one of you two is buying me drinks this Sunday?

 

WEDGE IS FLYING NORTH TO BUFFALO IN HIS UFO

 

Wedge:  Okay let’s see I am to fly to Buffalo where I will meet the intergalactic agent and deliver my report….why Buffalo though…

 

WEDGE ARRIVES IN BUFFALO

 

Wedge:  Just gotta land this UFO in an inconspicuous place where no Earthling will see me and suspect anything…

 

WedgePatked

 

Wedge:  (looking at his watch)  I’m right on time…its half past xyu#pon9jkl>uuu.  He should be here now.

 

SUDDENLY THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE UFO

 

Wedge:  What is the password?

 

Voice from Outside the UFO:  Earth must die!

 

RECOGNIZING THAT THE CODE IS CORRECT, WEDGE LOWERS THE ROOF OF HIS UFO TO SPEAK WITH THE AGENT.  HE IS SURPRISED WHEN HE RECOGNIZES THE AGENT.

 

Wedge:  OJ Simpson!

 

Agent OJ:  Shhhhhhh….Let’s not draw attention to us…its weird enough to be meeting in public

 

Wedge:  You are an alien?  An Intergalactic Agent no less?

 

Agent OJ:  (He puts one finger over his left eye and another in his ear)  Hail The Alpha Alien!

 

Wedge:  You know the salute…you must be an alien…Now I finally understand why that glove didn’t fit.

 

OJAlien

 

Wedge:  but how?

 

Agent OJ:  Wedge, the best cover for an Intergalactic Agent is a disgraced NFL star.  You see, as young athletes we get away with anything, no one stops to say – hey why is that star running back driving drunk, date raping or inside of a glowing cocoon, they just care if the team wins.  So we are free to collect reports and data that help us determine the best way to destroy a planet.  You ride that as long as you can.  In my case no one cared what I did High School and College, even through my Hall of Fame career.  I mean no one cared what I did…until the 90’s. (he sighs)  Earthlings can be so fickle…anyway these days I’m trying to keep a low profile.  There are many agents like me.

 

Wedge:  Like who?

 

Agent OJ:  Do you remember Ryan Leaf?  (he nods his head at Wedge)  He’s from a galaxy a few light years from here.  I think he had rocket lag or something when he finally arrived…man did he suck it up in the NFL.

 

Wedge:  Wow…Leaf…

 

Agent OJ:  Remember Cecil Collins?  He is a window jumper from one of the Zyupii Moons…they are all pervs…and Ray Rice…would you believe he is half Ewok?  Fucking woman hating Endorians!

 

RayRiceEwok

 

Wedge:  All those athletes…aliens???

 

Agent OJ:  Not just aliens.  Intergalactic Agents…Anyway give me the report you made.  I don’t want to keep the Alpha Alien waiting.  He will disintegrate me.

 

WEDGE HANDS AGENT OJ A SEALED REPORT.  AGENT OJ QUICKLY SCURRIES AWAY TO HIS OWN ROCKET SHIP TO GO DEEP IN SPACE AND DELIVER THE REPORT TO THE ALPHA ALIEN

 

OJblastoff

 

Wedge:  forgive me Earth (a tear falls from Wedge’s eye)

 

AGENT OJ HANDS A REPORT TO THE ALPHA ALIEN

 

The Alpha Alien: Ah-Hah!   The report is here (quickly taking the report from Agent OJ’s claws) Prepare the Death Ray crew.  Point it at the Earth, I will tell you the coordinates in one moment.(opening the sealed report)  Here it is: (reading from the report)

 

Wedge’s Voice:  The Buffalo Bills swept the Miami Dolphins in 2013.  They used something called a Thad to do it.  While they no longer depend on the Thad, they still have an amazing one two punch at running back.  CJ Spiller and Fred Jackson are the perfect combination of speed and power.  Jackson might be old, but he is going pretty strong, and Spiller, well, don’t give him a hole.

 

Bills Bengals Football

 

Wedge’s Voice:  They have spent high picks on receivers the last two years giving them a young set of good ones.  In 2013 they drafted Robert Woods who paid immediate dividends and last May, they moved up in the draft, paying the Browns a hefty price to select Sammy Watkins.  Watkins is the real deal.  He may be the NFL’s premier receiver within a couple of years.  Their problem on offense is that this offense runs through EJ Manuel and man does he suck nupuxjer tentacles…I am sure the Dolphins are dying to get ahead of the Bills early and force Manuel to win it for the Bills.  If that happens, let me say this now – NOPE.  Last year the Bills were 3rd in the NFL in rushing but 28th in passing.  That’s not a coincidence.

 

EJ Manuel

 

Wedge’s Voice:  And they stop the run too.  Last year’s defense was 11th in the league in rushing defense, but 28th in passing.  Lets not get into a low scoring affair with the Bills, that is how they swept the Dolphins last year.  That defensive line is stout.  Last week they held the Bears to 86 yards rushing, but Cutler threw for 349 yards.  In my opinion, the Dolphins must win this game on the arm of Ryan Tannehill who’s performance last week was…eh…um…subject to debate.

 

BillsDL

 

Agent OJ:  That wasn’t really what I expected…

 

The Alpha Alien:  I don’t understand.  What is this crap?  Where are the Earth’s vulnerable points of interest?  How can I use the Death Ray based on this?

 

Agent OJ:  eh…maybe he is implying something

 

The Alpha Alien:  What do you mean by that?

 

Agent OJ:  I mean maybe he is saying point the Death Ray at …eh…Buffalo…

 

AlphaAlien

“The Alpha Alien”

 

The Alpha Alien:  That’s it!  Good thinking OJ.  And good job.  Now, go to another planet and commit numerous felonies.  Engineer, point the death ray at Buffalo.  (rubbing his antennas together deviously) We are going to blow up the Earth!

 

Engineer Alien:  eh…um…Alpha Alien…there is one problem…

 

The Alpha Alien:  What is it now!  Why can’t I just blow up a planet anymore!  Its always something!

 

Engineer Alien: looks like Buffalo has already been leveled…its…um..a dump…

 

RalphWilsoninSights

 

The Alpha Alien:  Oh shit…abort (hanging his head low)

 

BACK ON WEDGE’S UFO

 

Wedge:  Where did I put my Bills scouting report and why is this seat so uncomfortable? Am I sitting on something?  (reaching behind him and pulling out a manilla envelope he was accidental sitting on)  Oh look its my report on the vulnerability of the Earth’s core…I was sitting on it. Well (throwing it out the window)  Who needs that anymore!  The game is about to start.  35 – 14 Dolphins!!!

 

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