THE PORCINE ODDYSSEY #79: AN AMERICAN PIGGY IN LONDON – Miami @ Oakland

QueenAndPiggyLondon 

PIGGY AND COACH PHIL JOSEPH ARE BACKPACKING THROUGH A WOODLAND IN BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND.  IT IS LATE AFTERNOON

 

Phil Joseph: Piggy are you sure this is the way to Wembley Stadium?

 

The Flying Pig:  Sure it is…what are you worried about?

 

Phil Joseph: I don’t want to be late to the game

 

The Flying Pig:  We have plenty of time…oh look…there is a pub…who knew we were walking to a pub (Piggy shrugs)  Well I guess we should grab a guinness

 

Phil Joseph: We really should be getting to London…its getting lat…(before he finishes Piggy has run inside the pub)…oh…okay…I guess one drink

 

INSIDE THE PUB

 

PiggyandJosephinBar

 

Local #1:  When they score its called a touchdown

 

Local #2:  Yes, they have field goals too though I think

 

Local #1:  Are you on the piss?  What is a field goal?

 

The Flying Pig:  (turning to Phil Joseph and whispering)  These people are so stupid.  Don’t they know anything about football…

 

Phil Joseph:  Piggy, don’t be so crass.  Our version of football is not really big here.  Part of why we are here is as ambassadors to football.  We want to show them the great game we have. 

 

The Flying Pig:  (taking a sip of Guinness)…I guess so…(turning to the locals)  Hey British humans…The NFL is great isn’t?  Most of are athletes have criminal records!  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

Local #1:  I think this banger is talking to us?

 

Local #2:  What brought you two blokes to this pub…so late in the afternoon…right before it gets dark…

 

Phil Joseph:  Where here for the game…and actually (looking at his watch) we need to make our way into London, so we can’t stay long.  We better get going…um good day to you   (he gets up and walks to the door)  Come on Piggy!

 

The Flying Pig:  Oh…okay (finishing his guinness)  Crumpets and tea to you…

 

Local #2:  What?

 

The Flying Pig:  (turning to Phil Joseph)  How do you say goodbye in British?  (turning back to the Locals)  Um….Mary Poppins (he waives trotter) ….er….The Sex Pistols…eh…Parliament (he waives another trotter)  

 

Local #1:  Are you two gits going out to bumble around the woods now?  Right before it gets dark?

 

Phil Joseph:  Yes.  We have to get to Wembley Stadium

 

Local #1:  Then you put your own life at risk…no matter what you do…stay on the footpath…stay on the footpath…

 

PIGGY AND PHIL JOSEPH BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG.  THEN THEY WALK OUT THE DOOR.

 

HOURS LATER IT IS DARK AND PIGGY AND PHIL JOSEPH ARE WALKING ON THE FOOTPATH…OR ARE THEY…

 

Phil Joseph:  The Raiders are 0-3, but they almost beat the Patriots last week 

 

The Flying Pig:  The oinking Cheatriots…we beat their asses in week 1.

 

Phil Joseph:  We should not underestimate the Raid…(suddenly looking down)  Hey Piggy…where is the footpath?

 

The Flying Pig:  Who cares…stupid locals…they don’t even know what a field goal is.

 

A HOWL CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND

 

Phil Joseph:  What was that?  

 

The Flying Pig:  I don’t know (walking faster)  Let’s get outta here!

 

THEY BOTH START WALKING FASTER, THEN RUNNING. ANOTHER HOWL IS HEARD, THIS TIME MUCH CLOSER

 

Phil Joseph:  It’s getting closer!

 

The Flying Pig:  Squeal!  I told you we had no time to stop for a drink

 

SUDDENLY A LARGE BEAST JUMPS ON PIGGY KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND

 

Phil Joseph:  ARGHHH (screaming)  I’m so scared…its like its 4th and 1.  (he runs away screaming)

 

The Flying Pig:  Squeal!  Squeal!  Stop biting me!  Squeal!  Squeal!

 

THE LOCALS FIND PIGGY BEING ATTACKED BY THE BEAST IN THE WOODS.  THEY SHOOT THE BEAST, KILLING IT.  PIGGY PASSES OUT.

 

THE NEXT MORNING PIGGY WAKES UP IN A LONDON HOSPITAL.  A HOT NURSE IS ABOVE HIM.

 

An American Werewolf In London

Nurse Price: What a fit Piggy…

 

The Flying Pig:  Well hello (seductively)  

 

Nurse Price: Oh You are awake…

 

The Flying Pig:  Where am I?  What did I drink last night?  This hangover is horrible!

 

Nurse Price: You are in a hospital in London.  You were bitten by some kind of beast.  

 

The Flying Pig:  Is it game day yet?

 

Nurse Price:   Oh…another American in town for the game I guess…no you have a few days before the game.   They are about to release you.  So you have a few days to see London.

 

The Flying Pig:  Release?  Great!  But I seem to have lost my wallet in the attack…where do I go until game day?  

 

Nurse Price:   Well…she blushes…I guess you can stay with me for a couple of days (she giggles) and walks out of the room.

 

The Flying Pig:  Yep…(places his trotters behind his head)  She wants the chorizo…

 

PIGGY IS RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL.  HE LEAVES WITH NURSE PRICE.  THAT DAY THEY ENJOY ALL THE TOURISTY SITES IN LONDON TOGETHER HAND IN TROTTER.  LATE IN THE AFTERNOON,  THEY GO BACK TO NURSE PRICE’S FLAT.

 

The Flying Pig:  So…what to do now (Piggy winks)

 

NURSE PRICE’S CELL PHONE RINGS

 

Nurse Price:  (answering her phone)  Now?  But I have a guest?  Oh…okay (she hangs up on the call)  Piggy…I’m sorry…I have to go back to the hospital apparently some one called out…I have to work the night shift tonight.  But here is a key.  If you need anything, just call me.  (she kisses Piggy on the cheek)  I will be back in the morning.  There is Guinness in the fridge.

 

NURSE PRICE LEAVES

 

PIGGY GRABS A GUINNESS FROM THE FRIDGE AND BEGINS TO WATCH THE TV.  HE NOTICES THE MOON COME OUT WHEN HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW

 

The Flying Pig:  What a pretty full moo…ow…(grabbing his stomach)  what was that…ouch…He grabs his snout…that hurt…..squeal….He grabs his trotters….what is that?…SQUEAL!  SQUEAL! SQUEAL!!!

 

PIGGY DROPS THE GUINNESS AND FALLS OUT OF THE CHAIR ON THE GROUND.  

 

The Flying Pig:  SQUEAL!!!!!

 

PIGGY’S TROTTERS BEGIN TO GROW AND CLAWS GROW OUT OF THEM.  THEN HIS SHOUT GETS LONGER AND TUSKS GROW ALONG EACH SIDE.  HIS BACK AND ENTIRE BODY BECOMES MORE MUSCULAR AND FUR GROWS EVERYWHERE.

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 

The Flying Pig:  OINK!!!  Must Feed!  OINK!!!!!

 

LATER THAT NIGH A YOUNG COUPLE IS WALKIG BACK FROM DINNER.

 

Female Londoner: I understand what a Dolphin is, but what is a Raider…

 

Male Londoner:  Both the Dolphins and Raiders have named their teams after the greatest rapers known to man.

 

Female Londoner: Why would they do that?

 

Male Londoner:  Well you see, the NFL celebrates sexual crimes and domestic violence and other deviant acts.  The team from Las Vegas is named the Golden Showers and don’t even ask about the Alabama Hot Pockets…

 

Female Londoner: That’s disgusting.  I don’t want to see the game.

 

Male Londoner:  Me neither…bunch of deviants falling over one another.  Did you hear that?

 

Female Londoner: Hear what?

 

Male Londoner:  Like a snooty growl or something  (he looks around)  Look at that, up in the sky!

 

A FLYING BOAR DESCENDS UPON THEM KILLING THEM BOTH

 

ELSEWHERE IN LONDON, TWO HOMELESS MEN ARE WARMING THEIR HANDS BY A FIRE IN A METAL CAN UNDER A BRIDGE

 

PigMoonlight

 

Homeless Londoner #2:  Its Monkeys outside, just have to keep warm until the NFL game.

 

Homeless Londoner #1:  You gobby bastard.  I don’t want to watch the game.  34 Points last week.  Who gives up 34 goals!

 

Homeless Londoner #2:  Their striker’s legs must be exhausted but there are some good bits to American Football?

 

Homeless Londoner #1:  Like what?

 

Homeless Londoner #2:  Like the Touchdown dance!  Which is actually discouraged now…um…so there is that…hey did you hear that?

 

Homeless Londoner #1:  God Save the Queen…Look at that Beast!

 

A FLYING BOAR DESCENDS ON THE TWO HOMELESS MEN, KILLING THEM BOTH

 

ELSEWHERE A MAN IS ALONE WAITING ON A TRAIN PLATFORM ON HIS CELL PHONE

 

Commuter Londoner:  (on the phone)  I’m just waiting for the tube…where is that bloody train?  Sweet Fanny Adams, stop asking, I’m not going to watch that stupid American game…it’s just tosh!  Hold on a minute, I think I hear something, like a wild animal or something.  I’m the only one waiting in the tube but I smell a puff.  

 

A FLYING BOAR JUMPS ON THE COMMUTER, KILLING HIM

 

Station Inspector wearing new British Rail uniform, Waterloo, London, 1966.

 

THE NEXT MORNING INSPECTOR WILTSHIRE IS INSPECTING THE MURDERS.  

 

Inspector Wiltshire:  This is the fifth body this morning…torn to shreds, like they were attacked by some sort of wild animal in London.  And every time he leaves the same sign…

BaconHelmet

(“The Sign”)

 

Inspector Wiltshire:  I think we have a real problem here…there is a beast in London, and he is killing all the Londoners who don’t like American Football!

 

PIGGY WAKES UP IN A ZOO CAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON

 

The Flying Pig:  Wow…what a hangover….what do they put in the Guinness here…why am I wearing pants?  Must have been a wild night…

 

PIGGY LEAVES THE ZOO

 

The Flying Pig:  What did I do last night?  What happened to that nurse?  I need to do something to relax (walking by a movie theater)  I know, I will see a movie.

 

INSIDE OF THE MOVIE THEATER, PIGGY IS WATCHING THE MOVIE WITH HIS SNOUT INSIDE A POPCORN BIN.  

 

The Flying Pig:  (eating Popcorn)  Ah nothing like buttered popcorn to get the taste of blood out of your mouth…hey…why do I have the taste of blood in my mouth…

 

The Corpse of Al Davis:  Pigstah!  (sitting behind Piggy)

 

The Flying Pig:  oh…its you…

 

The Corpse of Al Davis:  You didn’t expect to play the Raidahs without a visit from me did you?

 

The Flying Pig:  I guess not…what do you want?

 

CorpseofAlDaviswithHat 

The Corpse of Al Davis: You have the taste of blood in yah mouth because you mahdahed five humans last night

 

The Flying Pig:  murdered?  I don’t remember that.

 

The Corpse of Al Davis: You don’t remembah because you wah something else…a beast .  A flying bah!

 

The Flying Pig:  What’s a bah?

 

The Corpse of Al Davis: You know a bah!  with fah and tusks and making snahtting sounds…

 

The Flying Pig:  A Boar?  But how?

 

The Corpse of Al Davis: You wah bitten…don’t you remembah?

 

The Flying Pig:  Oh Yeah….

 

The Corpse of Al Davis: There is only one way to break that cahhse Piggy?

 

The Flying Pig:  How…how do I break the curse?

 

The Corpse of Al Davis: The Dolphins and Raidahs must play an entahtaining game tomorrow.

 

The Flying Pig:  That’s impossible!

 

The Corpse of Al Davis: It must be done Piggy…These Londahnahs must see a great game!  Its getting dawk now…I’m getting outta of here before you change again (leaving the theater)

 

The Flying Pig:Wait!  Change now?  Is it dark already?  Ouch!  (Piggy crouches in pain)  Uh oh!

 

A MOVIE USHER COMES TO PIGGY’S AISLE

 

The Usher:  Excuse me sir…you are squealing a bit too much and disturbing the other guests…can you keep it down a little?  Oh good lord. (noticing the beast Piggy has become)  What is that?

 

THE FLYING BOAR ATTACKS THE USHER.  THE OTHER THEATER PATRONS SEE THE ATTACK AND RUN OUT OF THE THEATER SCREAMING.  AN ALARM SOUNDS.  

 

MOMENTS LATER THE MOVIE THEATER IS SURROUNDED BY POLICE

Inspector Wiltshire:  (into a bullhorn)  Okay beast… Come on out and surrender…We are not going to watch your silly American game.  We don’t like your funny shaped balls, unusual scoring system and domestic abusing players.  Let’s just end it now.

 

THE FLYING BOAR, SENSING DANGER, REFUSES TO COME OUT OF THE THEATER.  

 

Inspector Wiltshire:  (to the other officers)  Okay, on the count of three we are going in and taking down the beast……..1…….2

 

INSIDE OF THE THEATER A SINGLE OFFICER HAS ENTERED THE THEATER BEFORE THE OTHERS

 

Officer Goodell: (to the flying boar)  Hey beast…

 

THE FLYING BOAR TURNS TO THE OFFICER AND GROWLS

 

Officer Goodell

 

Officer Goodell: (Pointing to a backdoor)  This way…they did not cover the back door.  (he opens the door)

 

THE FLYING BOAR RUNS TO THE BACK DOOR

 

Officer Goodell: Remember…It has to be an entertaining game tomorrow

 

The Flying Boar:  Squeal!  He flies away through the backdoor

 

Inspector Wiltshire:  3….(running into the theater)  Where is it?  Where did the beast go?

 

Officer Goodell: Oh…(shrugging)  Don’t look at me, I would never hide evidence…Dolphins 35 Raiders 0

 

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