The Porcine Oddyssey #90: The 3rd Annual Oinkees

The Porcine Oddyssey #89:  The Third Annual Oinkee Awards

TheOinkeesBanner

Announcer:  Welcome to the Third Annual Oinkee Awards.  The biggest pig event of the year.  The Oinkees honors individual achievement by the Dolphins.

AN AUDIENCE FULL OF PIGS APPLAUDS LOUDLY

Pig in Audience #1:  Oink!

Pig in Audience #2:  Squeal!

Pig in Audience #3:  Snort!

Announcer: Please welcome our first presenters of the night, to give away the Snoutsmasher Award.   A piece of Electronics Equipment stupid people think is psychic and a mean prawn that no one can hear, Welcome Psychic GPS and the Little Prawn!

THE AUDIENCE FULL OF PIGS CHEERS.  PSYCHIC GPS AND THE LITTLE PRAWN WALK TO THE PODIUM

Conference

Psychic GPS:  The Snoutsmasher honors excellence on the field by a Dolphins defender.  And the nominees are (he waits for the Little Prawn to read from the teleprompter)

The Little Prawn:  “……”

THE LITTLE  PRAWN MAKES A BARELY AUDIBLE SQUEAKING NOISE THAT NO ONE CAN HEAR

The Little Prawn: “……”

The Snoutsmasher

 

Psychic GPS: Um….okay…take my word for it the nominees were Brent Grimes, Rashad Jones, Cameron Wake and Earl Mitchell…..and the winner of the Snoutsmasher is (opening an envelope)  Brent Grimes!!!

THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD GRIMES’ WIN

Pig in Audience #4:  Oink and Grimes!

Announcer: And now to present the award for The Tiny Piglet honoring the Dolphin’s Rookie of the Year, he’s a razor who loves to style facial hair and she’s his wife, a deli slicer and a whore, please welcome Mister and Mrs. Mustachio!

THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD AS THE MUSTACHIOS WALK TO THE PODIUM

Mustachio:  (visibly nervous) They say you should open with a joke….um…here is mine…One day I would like to have a tiny piglet of my own…but Mrs. Mustachio is such a whore, it might not be mine

THE AUDIENCE OF PIGS IS AWKWARDLY QUIET

Conference

Mustachio: eh…ah…get it….Affanculo its quiet in here….

Mrs. Mustachio:  Oh…Mustachio…why do you insult me…

MRS. MUSTACHIO STORMS OFF THE STAGE

Mustachio:  insult you?  Porca Troia!  I found you in a gang bang with a set of knifes!

THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE ARE STILL QUIET 

Mustachio: Oh…um…the nominees for The Tiny Piglet are:  Chris McCain, Jarvis Landry, Terrence Fede and Ja’waun James….and the winner of The Tiny Piglet is…Jarvis Landry…congratulations il succo 

TheTinyPiglet

MUSTACHIO WIPES THE TEARS AWAY FROM HIS EYES AND WALKS OFF THE STAGE

Announcer:  That was awkward…and now to give the award for The Golden Squiggly Tail, he’s an alien who likes to scout and he’s a hamster who likes to scout…in butts…please welcome Wedge and Colonpokey.

WEDGE AND COLONPOKEY WALK TO THE PODIUM

Conference

Wedge:  Colonpokey, you look lovely tonight.

Colonpokey:  Its for the after party…I’m meeting my my old flame Richard Gere

Wedge: Um…and the nominees for the Golden Squiggly Tail are:  Lamar Miller, Mike Wallace, Jarvis Landry and Charles Clay.

Colonpokey:  And the winner is….Lamar Miller….Congratulations Lamar Miller, you win the coveted Golden Squiggly Tail.

Announcer: And now to give out the Grande Wings, please welcome Piggy Bacon.

THE PIG AUDIENCE CHEERS LOUDLY AND THE FLYING PIG WALKS TO THE PODIUM.  HIS MOOD IS VERY SOMBER.

The Flying Pig:  Oinks to all the Piggies who came here tonight…but some Piggies are not here tonight.  Some Piggies left us in 2014.

Pig in Audience #5:  Squeal

Conference

Pig in Audience #6: Squeal

The Flying Pig: As all pork knows, the NFL season has many tailgating days which in turns leads to many tragic endings for piggies…Please watch this video in memory of Piggies lost in the 2014 NFL season.  Squeal!  (Piggy wipes a tear from his eye)

 

The Flying Pig: And now…because we have lost so many Piggies in 2014 to football tailgating.  We honor the fallen Piggies by not giving away the Grande Wings this Year

Pig in Audience #1: Oink!!! (raising a trotter in solidarity)

Pig in Audience #2:  Snort and Oink!!! (also raising his trotter)

THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE RAISES THEIR TROTTERS AND SUDDENLY A WOMAN IN A YELLOW JUMPSUIT STANDS UP

Aponte:  Piggies!!! (yelling and raising a katana)  We have unfinished business!!!

KilAponte

The Flying Pig:  Aponte!!!!  (he hides under the podium)

Aponte:  There will be a winner of the Grande Wings tonight!  No Pork Casualty shall stop it.

THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE BEGIN TO SURROUND APONTE TO STOP HER.  SHE RAISES HER KATANA AND POSITIONS HERSELF IN A FIGHTING STANCE

AponteKB2

Aponte:  and the nominees for the Grande Wings are:

Pig in Audience #3:  Snort!

Pig in Audience #4:  Oink and Squeal!

Aponte:  Lamar Miller….

Pig in Audience #5:  No more Pork!

Pig in Audience #6:  Oink and Free Piggies

AponteKB3Aponte:  Ryan Tannehill…

Pig in Audience #7:  Squeal!

Pig in Audience #8:  Oink and die!

Aponte:  Jarvis Landry….

Pig in Audience #1:  Squeal!

Pig in Audience #2: Squeal Squeal!!!

Pig in Audience #3:  Oink and Squeal.

Aponte:  And Brent Grimes….

Pig in Audience #4:  Squeal!

APONTE SLAUGHTERS ALL THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCEAponteKB1

Aponte:  Those of you lucky enough to still have your lives, take them with you

THE INJURED PIGS BEGIN TO CRAWL AWAY

Aponte: But leave the trotters you have lost…they belong to me now!

Conference

THE LAST OF THE PIGS LEAVE THE AUDITOREUM.  APONTE GOES TO THE PODIUM.

Aponte: And the winner of the Grande Wings is Quarterback Ryan Tannehill!

The Flying Pig:  (from under the Podium)  and that concludes the Oinkees.  Congratulations Ryan Tannehill.

 

Tannehill Oinkee Winner

 

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265 Responses to The Porcine Oddyssey #90: The 3rd Annual Oinkees

  1. olddolphan says:

    AFTER SEVERAL DAYS WITH HIGHS IN THE 70’s, we just had a storm front move through Tampa Bay. The low Friday morning MAY be near 32 – – HORRORS!! –Seriously, I hope all Dolfans up north are safe, sound, and healthy. –HIGHLY RECOMMEND a sanity break to Florida, perhaps taking in a spring training game and/or some time at the beach in March.
    ————-
    WAS SCANNING the brochure the Fins sent (late) to all season tix account holders. NO WHERE did I see what kind of wind Ross’s “shade tree roof” could withstand. A guy in construction told me a category 3 hurricane (111-130 MPH winds) would probably do “massive damage” to Ross’s new project. HOPE that’s NOT TRUE because Florida suffers 1 cat 3 (or stronger) hurricane about every 6-8 years, although NONE have hit the Sunshine State since 2005. By the way, MARLINS PARK reportedly can take up to and including a category 4 hurricane (131-155 MPH). –Major insurers, like State Farm, Nationwide and Allstate currently offer no property insurance to most structures in Florida, so I’m gonna guess that any repairs are up to Steve Ross to repair.

    ————-
    REALLY TERRIFIC EFFORT, Mr. Piggy!!

  2. getterdone says:

    I really want this guy 🙂

    An AFC scout calls Missouri WR Dorial Green-Beckham “special,” and believes he’d be considered the best receiver prospect since Calvin Johnson if not for his off-the-field issues.
    “He’s one of the best receivers I’ve ever seen,” the scout said. “He’s gigantic, he has tremendous body control, balance, he runs like a deer and can leap out of the gym and high-point the ball.” Green-Beckham was a five-star recruit out of high school, but couldn’t stay out of trouble at Mizzou, getting caught with marijuana before being accused of domestic violence. He transferred to Oklahoma, but had to sit out because of the NCAA’s transfer rules. DGB is a top-10 talent who could fall to day two because of his character question marks.

  3. olddolphan says:

    Tomorrow night, at FAU Stadium, undefeated Florida Atlantic, winners of three straight baseball games over the UCONN Huskies, hosts the 4-0 9th-ranked Hurricanes of Miami. –The Canes opened up their season with a 25-4 thrashing of Rutgers on their way to a 4-game sweep. However, FAU’s #1 pitcher will be rested and ready for Miami’s big bats. –After Miami, FAU hosts Ohio State for 3 weekend games before playing the Florida Gators at Roger Dean Stadium in Jupiter, the winter home of the Miami Marlins and the St. Louis Cardinals –I plan to take in at least one of the FAU-Ohio State games. Expecting at least a couple of thousand Buckeye fans at FAU Stadium for this series.

    • olddolphan says:

      PS: To those of you who DON’T know it, college baseball is REALLY BIG in Florida!!–About half of the MLB franchises will have scouts in the stands for either the FAU-Miami game and the FAU-Ohio State series.

  4. Randy says:

    GDP
    I really don’t think DGB will fall a lot…maybe out of the top 10…but that’s about it.

    • getterdone says:

      Agreed, especially if his interviews with teams go well.

    • The Flying Pig says:

      I think he is the 3rd or 4th WR off the board and probably a top 25 pick

      I think the experts view the top 5 like this

      White
      Cooper
      Parker
      DGB
      Strong

      But the piggies view it like this

      White
      Strong
      Parker
      Cooper
      DGB

  5. herdfan says:
  6. Randy says:

    GDP
    Hopefully, our GM won’t ask him if his mom is a prostitute or dug dealer. Ya got to know the questions NOT to ask. Lol

  7. The Flying Pig says:

    Lol @ D’s chubby chasers comment

    • getterdone says:

      Will be interesting to see what the combine reveals…I’ve always said I liked the utter home run potential of this kid…but I realize the so called ‘safer’ pick ‘could’ be Kevin White.
      Time will tell.

  8. Randy says:

    Piggy,
    I think the thing that will push DGB lower is the number of good WRs in this draft and not very many teams who appear to be in need of WRs in the top part of the draft. Good for us. We should be able to get a pretty good WR at #14 if we wanna go that direction. I’ve just barely begun looking at WRs, but there seem to be quite a few good ones.

    • The Flying Pig says:

      There are good ones like the 5 I named which should be off the board by mid 2nd

      There are also some food mid round prospects

      I was watching Mayle and Diggs tape last night

      Diggs is amazing with the ball in his hands
      He has just had a lot of injuries

      Mayle is a real solid prospect, Prof Lou likes him a lot

  9. The Flying Pig says:

    Your Picks:
    Round 1 Pick 20 (PHI): Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Oklahoma (B-)
    Round 2 Pick 11 (CLE): Denzel Perryman, ILB/OLB, Miami (Fla.) (B+)
    Round 2 Pick 15: Chris Hackett, FS, TCU (B+)
    Round 3 Pick 14: Cedric Ogbuehi, OT, Texas A&M (B+)
    Round 3 Pick 29 (IND): John Miller, OG, Louisville (A-)
    Round 4 Pick 15: Geneo Grissom, OLB, Oklahoma (A-)
    Round 4 Pick 29 (IND): Charles Gaines, CB, Louisville (B+)
    Round 5 Pick 14: Stefon Diggs, WR, Maryland (D+)
    Round 5 Pick 29 (IND): Tyler Varga, FB, Yale (A)
    Round 6 Pick 15: Ellis McCarthy, DT, UCLA (A)
    Round 7 Pick 15: Cam Thomas, CB, Western Kentucky (D)

    • The Flying Pig says:

      See chubby chasers
      I drafted an OG and OT in the 3rd

      And I took a playmaker early and 2 defensive players in round 2

  10. getterdone says:

    Yo, Philbin and Hickey…get me some interior OL and a big WR stat!

  11. stangerx says:

    “North Attleborough police Detective Michael Elliott testified that Hernandez came to the station at around 11 p.m. on June 17. Hernandez had been asked to go there by police who went to his home after finding in Lloyd’s pocket a key to a Chevrolet Suburban that Hernandez had rented.

    Elliott testified that Hernandez waited for a while in an interview room, then left the station. Elliott said he then used a surveillance camera in the police station parking lot to videotape Hernandez at around 2 a.m. on June 18. The video shows Hernandez taking apart his cellphone while sitting in his lawyer’s car, then making calls on the lawyer’s phone.”

    —————-
    Try getting Pig or Ken to meet you at 2AM in a police parking lot.

  12. finfanrob says:

    lol @ piggy’s draft

    piggy what did you do with the fins other 3 first round picks and did you just forget to take there other 5 second round picks or did you trade those away.

  13. finfanrob says:

    Try getting Pig or Ken to meet you at 2AM in a police parking lot.

    well i dont know, i have been with a pig or two in a parking lot at 2am

  14. Randy says:

    ffr,
    Don’t be modest. I’m sure you’ve been with a few pigs AND a few Kens in parking lots at 2 AM.

  15. getterdone says:

    Would be nice if both of these guys stepped up & gained the coaches confidence in 2015!

  16. olddolphan says:

    GOT TO CALL IT A NIGHT, Fellow Dolfans. –Another busy day at work is waiting for me. Stay warm and stay safe! –Great Grandpa is OUT!

  17. The Flying Pig says:

    FFRob

    If only the real draft was like first pick

    If you think about Ireland had drafts like those drafts in terms of picks

    I would kill for an extra 2nd and 3rd now

  18. The Flying Pig says:

    Will there be liquor at this parking lot?

  19. The Flying Pig says:

    I just realized the talk about Pouncey wanted to sign a vet OG is Pouncey suggesting Iupati
    Pouncey is a genius!!!
    🙂

  20. getterdone says:

    Good to see David Hyde bust Omar’s balls on Nomar’s 10 Step plan to fix the Phins in 2015…..LOL

    Dave Hyde @davehydesports
    Wait a second, @omarkelly. What is your plan at cornerback? You’re not acquiring any? You’re doing cross-your-finger management?

  21. D says:

    Going back to mixing in Sammie Coates to my mocks. I kinda soured on him but I believe he would adequately replace Wallace. He’s just slightly talked but has about same speed. Hearing the expect him to stay with dorsett as far as 40 time. May be a fallback option if we miss some of the guys like Parker White etc.

    • D says:

      By soured on him I mean he was one of my top options for us and when I decided I thought was best for us to go round 1 we I kinda back burnered him

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