The Porcine Oddyssey #89: The Third Annual Oinkee Awards
Announcer: Welcome to the Third Annual Oinkee Awards. The biggest pig event of the year. The Oinkees honors individual achievement by the Dolphins.
AN AUDIENCE FULL OF PIGS APPLAUDS LOUDLY
Pig in Audience #1: Oink!
Pig in Audience #2: Squeal!
Pig in Audience #3: Snort!
Announcer: Please welcome our first presenters of the night, to give away the Snoutsmasher Award. A piece of Electronics Equipment stupid people think is psychic and a mean prawn that no one can hear, Welcome Psychic GPS and the Little Prawn!
THE AUDIENCE FULL OF PIGS CHEERS. PSYCHIC GPS AND THE LITTLE PRAWN WALK TO THE PODIUM
Psychic GPS: The Snoutsmasher honors excellence on the field by a Dolphins defender. And the nominees are (he waits for the Little Prawn to read from the teleprompter)
The Little Prawn: “……”
THE LITTLE PRAWN MAKES A BARELY AUDIBLE SQUEAKING NOISE THAT NO ONE CAN HEAR
The Little Prawn: “……”
Psychic GPS: Um….okay…take my word for it the nominees were Brent Grimes, Rashad Jones, Cameron Wake and Earl Mitchell…..and the winner of the Snoutsmasher is (opening an envelope) Brent Grimes!!!
THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD GRIMES’ WIN
Pig in Audience #4: Oink and Grimes!
Announcer: And now to present the award for The Tiny Piglet honoring the Dolphin’s Rookie of the Year, he’s a razor who loves to style facial hair and she’s his wife, a deli slicer and a whore, please welcome Mister and Mrs. Mustachio!
THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE APPLAUD AS THE MUSTACHIOS WALK TO THE PODIUM
Mustachio: (visibly nervous) They say you should open with a joke….um…here is mine…One day I would like to have a tiny piglet of my own…but Mrs. Mustachio is such a whore, it might not be mine
THE AUDIENCE OF PIGS IS AWKWARDLY QUIET
Mustachio: eh…ah…get it….Affanculo its quiet in here….
Mrs. Mustachio: Oh…Mustachio…why do you insult me…
MRS. MUSTACHIO STORMS OFF THE STAGE
Mustachio: insult you? Porca Troia! I found you in a gang bang with a set of knifes!
THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE ARE STILL QUIET
Mustachio: Oh…um…the nominees for The Tiny Piglet are: Chris McCain, Jarvis Landry, Terrence Fede and Ja’waun James….and the winner of The Tiny Piglet is…Jarvis Landry…congratulations il succo
MUSTACHIO WIPES THE TEARS AWAY FROM HIS EYES AND WALKS OFF THE STAGE
Announcer: That was awkward…and now to give the award for The Golden Squiggly Tail, he’s an alien who likes to scout and he’s a hamster who likes to scout…in butts…please welcome Wedge and Colonpokey.
WEDGE AND COLONPOKEY WALK TO THE PODIUM
Wedge: Colonpokey, you look lovely tonight.
Colonpokey: Its for the after party…I’m meeting my my old flame Richard Gere
Wedge: Um…and the nominees for the Golden Squiggly Tail are: Lamar Miller, Mike Wallace, Jarvis Landry and Charles Clay.
Colonpokey: And the winner is….Lamar Miller….Congratulations Lamar Miller, you win the coveted Golden Squiggly Tail.
Announcer: And now to give out the Grande Wings, please welcome Piggy Bacon.
THE PIG AUDIENCE CHEERS LOUDLY AND THE FLYING PIG WALKS TO THE PODIUM. HIS MOOD IS VERY SOMBER.
The Flying Pig: Oinks to all the Piggies who came here tonight…but some Piggies are not here tonight. Some Piggies left us in 2014.
Pig in Audience #5: Squeal
Pig in Audience #6: Squeal
The Flying Pig: As all pork knows, the NFL season has many tailgating days which in turns leads to many tragic endings for piggies…Please watch this video in memory of Piggies lost in the 2014 NFL season. Squeal! (Piggy wipes a tear from his eye)
The Flying Pig: And now…because we have lost so many Piggies in 2014 to football tailgating. We honor the fallen Piggies by not giving away the Grande Wings this Year
Pig in Audience #1: Oink!!! (raising a trotter in solidarity)
Pig in Audience #2: Snort and Oink!!! (also raising his trotter)
THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE RAISES THEIR TROTTERS AND SUDDENLY A WOMAN IN A YELLOW JUMPSUIT STANDS UP
Aponte: Piggies!!! (yelling and raising a katana) We have unfinished business!!!
The Flying Pig: Aponte!!!! (he hides under the podium)
Aponte: There will be a winner of the Grande Wings tonight! No Pork Casualty shall stop it.
THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE BEGIN TO SURROUND APONTE TO STOP HER. SHE RAISES HER KATANA AND POSITIONS HERSELF IN A FIGHTING STANCE
Aponte: and the nominees for the Grande Wings are:
Pig in Audience #3: Snort!
Pig in Audience #4: Oink and Squeal!
Aponte: Lamar Miller….
Pig in Audience #5: No more Pork!
Pig in Audience #6: Oink and Free Piggies
Aponte: Ryan Tannehill…
Pig in Audience #7: Squeal!
Pig in Audience #8: Oink and die!
Aponte: Jarvis Landry….
Pig in Audience #1: Squeal!
Pig in Audience #2: Squeal Squeal!!!
Pig in Audience #3: Oink and Squeal.
Aponte: And Brent Grimes….
Pig in Audience #4: Squeal!
APONTE SLAUGHTERS ALL THE PIGS IN THE AUDIENCE
Aponte: Those of you lucky enough to still have your lives, take them with you
THE INJURED PIGS BEGIN TO CRAWL AWAY
Aponte: But leave the trotters you have lost…they belong to me now!
THE LAST OF THE PIGS LEAVE THE AUDITOREUM. APONTE GOES TO THE PODIUM.
Aponte: And the winner of the Grande Wings is Quarterback Ryan Tannehill!
The Flying Pig: (from under the Podium) and that concludes the Oinkees. Congratulations Ryan Tannehill.