The Porcine Oddyssey #94: An Interview with a Sweet Screw
A STUDIO AUDIENCE SITS EXCITED FOR A START OF A TELEVISION SHOW
Announcer: Welcome to another episode of Late Night Pulled Pork with your host Pigsgerald Bacon
PIGGY COMES OUT OF THE CURTAIN AND BOWS. THEN HE SITS AT A DESK
The Flying Pig: Welcome to another installment of Late Night Pulled Pork with your favorite Bacon.
Tonight We have a very special guest with us.
Every Dolfan has heard about DeVante Parker’s offseason surgery right?
Well tonight we have…
No…um…not DeVante Parker. But we have the next best thing. We have the screw inserted in his foot! Everybody put your hands together for the Sweet Screw!
THE SWEET SCREW COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN AS THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS LOUDLY
The Sweet Screw: Hello Everyone! Oh you are two kind.
I love all of you.
You are the Greatest Ever!!!
I want to hug you all!
THE SWEET SCREW SITS IN A CHAIR NEXT TO PIGGY’S DESK
The Sweet Screw: Oh Piggy, I’m so happy to be here with all these beautiful people in the audience. Being around such great people is like Christmas for me
The Flying Pig: Okay…
The Sweet Screw: Being around such amazing people and pigs for just a moment is almost as good as volunteering at the Children’s Hospital…
The Flying Pig: Um…let’s get to the….
The Sweet Screw: I took time off from my visit at the nursing home to be here. And even though I’m miss all the smiling dentures, I’m just filled with love being here. Can you feel the love Piggy? I just want to HUG!
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS LOUDER
The Flying Pig: Okay Okay…you are very sweet…we get it now…
The Sweet Screw: because I’m filled with LOVE!
The Flying Pig: Whatever (flipping through some index cards)…So in early June, Parker was pulled from offseason practices to have corrective surgery and you were inserted in his foot correct?
The Sweet Screw: That is right Piggy. I’ve been spending a lot of time with the Dolphins 1st round pick. But I can assure you, he will be ready to go in week 1 because I’m not mean.
The Flying Pig: Assuming I believe you…what makes you so sure he will be ready to go in Week 1.
The Sweet Screw: Because I’m filled with love Piggy…
The Sweet Screw: And because I am simply a precautionary measure.
The Flying Pig: So you Say! (accusatory) Here is a diagram. Can you tell me exactly where you were inserted in Parker’s foot?
The Sweet Screw: Um…I’m not sure that diagram is anatomically correct Piggy. Besides, its irrelevant. The decision to insert me in Parker’s foot was a long-term decision by the Dolphins. They are looking out for Parker’s health years from now. It was a collaborative decision from Parker’s camp and the Dolphins – which if you ask me is a classy move by the Dolphins.
The Flying Pig: How do we know you aren’t going to sabotage his rookie year?
The Sweet Screw: Piggy…Is it possible you might just be a little nervous about the upcoming season. You have nothing to worry about. Parker actually hurt his foot in his senior season at Louisville. Parker was looking great in the OTAs well after that injury.
The Flying Pig: Don’t you lie to me you little punk! The Sweet Screw: Lie…Piggy, Im being honest. I wouldn’t lie to you. I love you. I love everyone. The Flying Pig: NO!!! Do not come here and lie to me. I know your game. You are going to linger, and linger and we will never see Parker play in 2015. I hate you screw. I HATE YOU!!! The Sweet Screw: But Piggy….(wiping away a tear from his eye) The Flying Pig: Get the fuck off my show you son of a bitch!
THE SWEET SCREW RUNS OFF THE SHOW CRYING
THE CROWD BOOS PIGGY
PIGGY DRINKS “WATER” FROM THE MUG ON HIS DESK
FOR WEEKS AFTER THE SHOW PIGGY RECEIVED HATE MAIL FROM PEOPLE WATCHING HIS MISTREATMENT OF THE SWEET SCREW. HERE IS A SAMPLING OF THE ANGRY EMAILS:
PIGGY WAS LOST. HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
WAS HE NERVOUS ABOUT PARKER’S STATUS? WAS PARKER GOING TO BE A BUST BECAUSE OF THE SWEET SCREW? OR WAS PIGGY JUST BEING NERVOUS BECAUSE HE’S BEEN SCREWED BEFORE.
SO PIGGY WENT TO HIS CLOSET TO CONSULT THE BUST GODS
The Flying Pig: (kneeling) Oh great wasted $120 I can never have back. Guide me. Speak to me. Tell me. Did I mistreat the Sweet Screw? Is he helping Parker? Or will Parker be a bust? Speak to me fruitless one. Show me the way.
PIGGY KNEELED IN FRONT OF HIS CLOSET FOR A MONTH WAITING FOR AN ANSWER
AFTER A LONG SILENCE, THE JERSEY SPOKE TO PIGGY
The Jersey: Piggy…. The Flying Pig: Yes! Speak to me! Guide me! The Jersey: I’m suspended until 2016, so it will have to wait… The Flying Pig: Oh, fuck you (shutting the closet door)
IN TIME, THE GUILT GOT TO PIGGY AND HE APOLOGIZED TO THE SWEET SCREW
IN RETURN, THE SWEET SCREW GAVE PIGGY A GIFT AWWWWW, HE IS SO SWEET…
PIGGY WAS WHOLE AGAIN
What I am surprised about is they didn’t give him the chance to just take the 4 without the cell phone thing being mentioned. Or maybe they did…….
To the Brady camp
It’s all about his reputation
So I’m guessing they were pushing for no suspension
Or some sort of public apology
But they had to know it wasn’t coming based on the phone. He’s moved from protecting his privacy rights to A Hernandez.
What do you think it’s worth on E-Bay?
Who did he have to blow for that?
I thought this was the funniest tweet
LOL — poor Tommy Boy.
So glad the suspension was upheld. Hope he DOES fight it in court. Lets have his precious “reputation” on page 1 of the news for another year. He’ll probably fight it the entire year than announce his retirement. Lol..
Hilarious stuff Piggy!!!!!!!!!
He’d be the stupidest MF in the world if he does.
That’s what I’ve been hoping for all along, drag it out as long as possible. It would be funny, if he did fight it in court, so he could play the first half of the yr, then get suspended for the 2nd half.
On the radio they were asking, why can’t the suspension go up to 6 or 8 games with the new evidence.
well the CBA is a different animal than the courts
but generally, there is no increased penalty on appeal
If some one does something punishable during appeal its a separate “case”
The idea of upholding an appeal is that the decision was “correct”
if you are saying it was too harsh or not harsh enough you are saying it was “incorrect”
This isn;t written in stone anywhere
don;t give it any weight b/c I’m a lawyer
just saying what I think is the idea between not increasing punishments during an appeal
What about new evidence about destroying the phone?
And what about a pointed stick?
Sorry Gisele got get off. Been 4 months…..time to smash.
I like his dumb and dumber haircut 😛
What we’ve been hearing for the last few days is, it isn’t fair that they don’t tell the cheats if the suspension will be upheld, dragging it on into camp.
They cheated and the way it’s being handled isn’t fair? Fight fire with fire.
Was just reading where it’s thought that Brady will still take this to federal court.
I hope so. Make a spectacle out of yourself Marsha boy!
I’ve been hearing that was the basis to why settlement was likely
So now that there is no settlement, it seems likely to me too
And I agree with you
it will become a spectacle
A Federal Court is going to reverse a suspension where the suspended player destroyed evidence….I don;t think so
Ken and I discussed it last week
We sort of disagree
I have a lot of reservations that the Federal Court will even interfere or hear the case
They might choose not to interfere with the NFL disciplining a player as permitted under the CBA
I feel like after Ray Rice people assume the Federal Court will always be a factor, and I am thinking, they might not be, in fact they might choose to make a point of it in this case
Zobrist to KC for #4 lhp prospect Manaea… 96 mph fastball, #2 prospect in KC farm system. If A’s are gonna suck, it’s nice to get something out of it. lol
Al: I liked Kazmir. He got tired at the end of the season, but with the A’s his injuries have been negligent. He’s been great for us.
I just read that one of the NFLPA / Brady’s defense’s arguments is, wait for it, that although it is against the rules, it is against the rules for team staff, not the player…
Also, this: He wasn’t made aware of what the penalty for cheating would before hand….
Liars continue to get caught lying and making stuff up. That’s how it works when you lie.
Being unaware of the law/rules doesn’t get you off free.
By that logic:
Why doesn’t he set the refs shirt on fire, moon the Fans, drink a beer on the sidelines?
Bloomberg’s Scott Soshnick reports the NFL has asked the U.S. District Court in Manhattan to “confirm” Tom Brady’s four-game suspension.
In other words, they’re suing Brady before he can sue them. Brady’s 2014-15 decision to slightly under-inflate his footballs has resulted in an all-out war with the league. The SportsBusiness Journal’s Daniel Kaplan speculates the league’s suit is designed to get the matter out of judge David Doty’s jurisdiction. Doty has often been a thorn in the NFL’s side. Brady’s case is looking a bit shaky amidst the revelation he intentionally destroyed his phone on the day of his meeting with investigator Ted Wells.
I think that is a mistake by the NFL
Basically giving the Fed Court their consent to look at the merits
They basically just agreed to jump the first hurdle for Brady
Patriots players have serious anger/abuse issues with their cell phones. lol
I don’t even understand what this means. Why would the NFL go to a fed district court to confirm anything?
It really doesn’t make sense
I didn’t even think of it until you mentioned it
Is there an underlying lawsuit
There has to be to even pose a federal question
A lot of people will try to say its recipricol
but I don;t think it is unless there is somethiing I am missing
So you basically tortured it too. You needed this cat to survive did ya? Asshole!
The canned hunts totally disgust me!
Talk about finger pointing
I relied on the expertise of the guides is as finger pointing as it gets
He knew what he was doing. He should be put out there nude with raw meat hanging off of him and let them clean him up.
Yeah, what an asshole. I think all hunting should be banned, unless they deem it necessary, because of over-population. Back in the day when hunting was done to put food on the table, is a different matter, but trophy hunting…
Mets offered Rafael Montero for Zobrist. A’s turned it down…. guess they hoped Beane doesn’t read injury reports. lol
I’m glad that deal fell through.
The Pat’s first four games are Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Jacksonville & Dallas. I think with Jimmy the greek at QB they will lose three of those. (who knows, MAYBE Jax can pull off a win too) That puts them at 1-3 to start the season while we will be a 4-0
1-3 teams do not make the playoffs statistically speaking.
They at least shouldn’t do better than 2-2, but maybe Garoppolo surprises. Hoping he does not.
Brady isn’t their whole team, Belicheat will find other ways to cheat to get to 2-2 at least.
Pig, Ray Rice’s suspension went up after new evidence came out (video).
You are correct – factually
but just to add some details to it
The NFL had already suspended Rice and it was a minor suspension
and then the video came out and there was a negative public reaction
So the NFl increased the penalty significantly after it initially ruled
that was what lead to the Fed Court involvement
The fact that Rice was basically punished twice for the same incident
My take on it, is that the Fed court won;t get involved in punishment under the CBA unless there is something patently unfair like
a. punishing some one twice; or
b. the same guy who heard the initial hearing hearing the appeal
I mention the 2nd one b/c it happened in this case with Brady
if the Fed Court get involved I suspect they will cite this as a basis as to why they might get involved
and I do personally think its unfair and overeaching for the NFL to allow the commish to hear a trial and the appeal even though the CBA permits it
to me that is the real threat to the 4 game suspension, the fact that Goodell heard the appeal
That is the thing the Fed Court needs to say – “okay that is not fair”
but the facts of this case, don;t really call for it
and sometimes the facts of a case (that are not supposed to be looked at” end up being a factor
I’m just speculating
Rock & Steve, the Cheatriots started 2-2 last season 🙄
Yes, I know, that’s what I’m saying, just, because Brady is out for 4 games don’t count them out. The biggest difference from last yr is the fact that their starting cbs are gone.
Yeah, I’d love to see Tanny burn their secondary and we light them up for a ton of points and then run the ball down their throats while Brady watches from the sidelines!
And cheated their way into the Superbowl, Yeah I know what happened last year.
THIS year they will start 1-3 and will fall to 2-5 after losing to the Colts and beating the Jets. Then they will play us and lose Brady for the rest of the year when Suh / Wake / Vernon make a pretzel sandwich out of him. They will then go on to lose 6 more and win two for a final record of 4-12
oops my math was wrong. Surprised no one called me on it! LOL
When the Raiders and Al Davis fought the league they were unofficially blackballed, not given a fair shake on calls. My hope is the cheats get the same treatment.
Man ya’ll are hilarious!
I heard less outrage about the Riots and mass murders going on than I do about a fucking lion in Africa?
Not that he wasn’t a dip shit and has a history of bending the rules of hunting area’s.
Should of had his licence pulled the first time. ( Not that does any good in Africa )
But seriously it’s a fuckin lion
It’s all bad!
We pretty much discuss everything. I’d say the lion discussion is quite light.
Brady’s defense is he regularly destroys his phones? People who regularly destroy their phones on purpose (burner phones) are doing it to hide something or to prevent being linked to something they shouldn’t be doing, generally something illegal. That’s the best he can come up with? What an idiot!!!
They were saying his lawyer should be disbarred for giving him the advice of saying that.
Liars sound dumber and dumber the deeper they go.
I’m going to go ahead and guess that Brady’s lawyers did not actually tell him to destroy his phone
at best it was sort of like “wink wink Brady, if you did, I never knew about it”
Or something along the lines of the lawyers simply saying in general discussion. “Ok Tom, since you destroyed the phone for security reasons….” …with Brady going, “I did?”
When is Bookman planning to visit NYC?
There are plenty of hotels but I agree with Piggy…who the F stays at the Pennsylvania Hotel except the Westminister Dog Show dogs lol.
Bookman asked for reasonably priced. LOL
Not sure Brady is going to bother challenging in court anyway, the NFLPA is going to battle the NFL ruling for him.
lol, well ‘reasonable’ in NYC can mean alot of things.
August should be cheap as people prepare to take their kids to school all over the US.
Can find probably a ton of places under 200 a night.
In terms of the national chains, Comfort Inn is probably the cheapest but their rooms are definitely no frills and are just big enough to fit the bed.
You can also AirBnB a place or find one of these china town chinese run apartments rented out on the daily.
I’m sure that’s what he and his wife are looking for. LOL
Chiefs NT Dontari Poe is recovering from back surgery to repair a herniated disk, and is out indefinitely.
Poe won’t participate in camp. Per coach Andy Reid, there’s a “reasonable chance” Poe returns at the “end of the season.” Poe was a slow developer, but has come on as one of the league’s premier nose tackles. His loss is a massive blow for a run defense that was one of the league’s worst in 2014, and doesn’t know what it will get from Mike DeVito and Derrick Johnson as they recover from Achilles’ injuries. Poe has missed just one game in three NFL seasons. Jaye Howard is the next man up on the depth chart.
Ouch! I wish we had them on our schedule this year…oh well.
Can bet Reid will be looking at whoever we cut @ DT.
Wyo is anti-Lionte. 😉
Wow, is an anti-lionite! LOL
Oh well I guess this one is off Bookman’s hotel options list…LOL
From the snowplow game to Spygate to Deflategate, the Patriots are a franchise built on the twin concepts of CHEATING AND LYING. BELICHEAT was below .500 when he couldn’t cheat at Cleveland and got fired. All of a sudden he becomes a “genius” when he goes to Foxboro?? –No, No, I am most certainly NOT BUYING THAT!! Voting Belicheat and Brady into the Hall of Fame would make as much sense as voting Bonds, McGwire, Sosa,and Palmeiro into the baseball Hall of Fame. It is time the voters took a long look at CHEATING and asked themselves “HOW DO WE STOP IT???” One good way would be to NOT REWARD CHEATERS with a bust in the Hall!! –Yes, I agree that we’ll ALWAYS have cheaters. That’s true of most/all professions. But that DOESN’T MEAN we have to encourage CHEATERS!! – – And voting Belicheat and Brady into the Hall in Canton would be JUST THAT–an encouragement and a reward for CHEATING!!
In my mind, the New England franchise always reminds me of robbers, killers, cheaters and the lowest kind of scum! Aaron Hernandez, the criminal who, on work release, drove the snow plow, Brady, Belicheat and the kingpin of the whole franchise, Bob Kraft, who SHAMELESSLY DATED A WOMEN HALF HIS AGE WHILE HIS WIFE WAS DYING OF CANCER!!!!!—WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!! ONLY Bob Kraft could make me side with Putin when he unceremoniously KEPT one of Kraft’s Super Bowl rings!!
Where you get your facts is hilarious. 150 pts defensive points scored against a team for a season in the SB era is wrong as you claimed also.
JS: For Super Bowl winning teams, 150 points allowed IS THE RECORD for least points allowed.
Talk about about twisting facts to fit a agenda, you are Hilarius. The record for a 14 game season is by Pittsburgh. That defense is considered the best defense ever by most people including the owner who said they were better than any of their SB winning teams.
Meija suspended 162 games for 2nd PED violation. I wonder if that is why we acquired Clippard.
You mean Jenrry Fuckface Mejia, don’t you? Now I have one for each of my favorite teams
how does someone come off 80 game suspension and get popped again. lmao
See Dion Fuckface Jordan for the answer to that question!
talking heads on sports shows are starting to back pedal on Brady because of the whole “destroyed his cell phone” revelation. Polian destroyed Brady (…and I could care less if he had a motive cuz it was so much fun).
I hope our buddy in Canada is doing fine
Sounds bad from the headline, but that site is blocked at work for some reason. I too, hope Manitoba is OK
Well the report does say that no one was hurt. Anyway, that it lasted for 2-3 hours is the insane part. I can just see Home crying HAARP lol
It’s going to be a great season for the AFC home teams when the Patriots are on the road. There will be an endless supply of signs, props, & gestures directed at the Pats. TV producers will be trying hard to avoid showing any of it on national TV.
Tommy Boy couldn’t care less about inflation levels……everybody just hates the Pats for being so good.
“Second, at least by the time of the AFC Championship Game, the inflation level of the footballs was a matter of particular interest to Mr. Brady. He told the Patriots’ equipment staff that he wanted the footballs inflated at the lowest permissible level; he reviewed a highlighted copy of the provision of the Playing Rules that addressed inflation of footballs; and he instructed the equipment staff to present a copy of the rule to the game officials.”
LMAO @ Angry Mike!
Duda wih a 1st inning HR. 2-0 Metropolitans
Every time I hear/see “duda”, i think of foghorn leghorn
LET’S GO METS!!!
I met Manitoba
I am sure he IS the storm
LMAO @ Piggy all the way from Mexico
How is Mexico?
Are you enjoying many margaritas?
About Federal court and arbitration
As the great Lionel Richie would sing:
“You’re once, twice, 4 times a cheater”
Bradys reputation is toast
And I think the patriots and their fan base have made it worse
No doubt. The best part is their only defense is “he didn’t have to show them his phone.”….LOL
If it goes to federal court
They are going to subpoena all phone records
Bookman(if you’re still around)
Took me a bit to remember the name of it but another hotel I’ve stayed at in NYC, the Muse, a boutique type hotel less than a block from Times Square. Great location, and as I recall very good place to stay. The thing I remembered about it was the bed was VERY comfy! lol No clue what the rates are but as I recall it was walking distance to a lot of places so no need to spend $$ on cabs.
Mexico is really hot but the drinks are great. Doing the Mayan ruins tomorrow
I think the league is pre-emptively filing in Federal court in Manhattan to get around whatever jurisdiction Judge Doty had over the CBA appeals
For some reason not too many margaritas but a lot of pina coladas and mojitos
Just read Goodell’s decision in it’s entirety.
An appeal will only move the suspension to later in the season IF team Brady succeeds in getting an injunction.
Suck it Brady!
Yeah, I hope his suspension gets moved so we don’t have to face him in NE.
Drive by from Mexico is done. Go Phins and fuck Brady
Have fun Ken!
Goodell’s decision masterfully addressed every single perceived weak point of the case: the two needles used on game day, the independent scientific study that refuted the science of the Wells Report regarding the Ideal Gas Law, “delegating” the decision to Troy Vincent, inconsistency with the punishment in comparison to past actions, etc, and It slams the absurdity of all Brady’s excuses including his weak ass attempt to explain destroying his phone.
It completely destroys any shred of credibility Brady could lay claim to. This is better than Christmas. My favorite part of this is that if Brady had just admitted to it in the beginning it would have been a minor punishment, talked about for a few weeks, then filed away. LMAO, he brought this all on himself with his holier than though, self righteous bullshit.
HAHAHAHAHA, enjoy the harvest you dirty cheating assclown!!
jets suck/Mike: Thanx for thinking of me. Storm was 2 hrs SE of me. Two weekends ago we had 3-4 twisters touch down 45 mins north in the wife’s old hometown. 2-3 hours touch down is crazy shit.
Piggy: you calling me a windbag?? I’m gonna throat punch ya😡. Just kidding 😎
Welcome back GDP
Ken: have a couple tequila shots for me.
Is it football season yet ?? GO PHINS!!!