The Porcine Oddyssey #94: An Interview with a Sweet Screw

LateNightPulledPorkSign

The Porcine Oddyssey #94: An Interview with a Sweet Screw

A STUDIO AUDIENCE SITS EXCITED FOR A START OF A TELEVISION SHOW

Announcer:  Welcome to another episode of Late Night Pulled Pork with your host Pigsgerald Bacon

PIGGY COMES OUT OF THE CURTAIN AND BOWS.  THEN HE SITS AT A DESK

PiggyLateNightSet

The Flying Pig:  Welcome to another installment of Late Night Pulled Pork with your favorite Bacon.

Tonight We have a very special guest with us.

Every Dolfan has heard about DeVante Parker’s offseason surgery right?

Well tonight we have…

No…um…not DeVante Parker.  But we have the next best thing.  We have the screw inserted in his foot!  Everybody put your hands together for the Sweet Screw!

THE SWEET SCREW COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN AS THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS LOUDLY

SweetScewonNightThe Sweet Screw:  Hello Everyone!  Oh you are two kind.

I love all of you.

You are the Greatest Ever!!!

I want to hug you all!

THE SWEET SCREW SITS IN A CHAIR NEXT TO PIGGY’S DESK

The Sweet Screw:  Oh Piggy, I’m so happy to be here with all these beautiful people in the audience.  Being around such great people is like Christmas for me

The Flying Pig:  Okay…

The Sweet Screw:  Being around such amazing people and pigs for just a moment is almost as good as volunteering at the Children’s Hospital…

The Flying Pig: Um…let’s get to the….

The Sweet Screw: I took time off from my visit at the nursing home to be here.  And even though I’m miss all the smiling dentures, I’m just filled with love being here.  Can you feel the love Piggy?  I just want to HUG!

THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS LOUDER

Parker2

The Flying Pig:  Okay Okay…you are very sweet…we get it now…

The Sweet Screw:  because I’m filled with LOVE!

The Flying Pig:  Whatever (flipping through some index cards)…So in early June, Parker was pulled from offseason practices to have corrective surgery and you were inserted in his foot correct?

The Sweet Screw: That is right Piggy.  I’ve been spending a lot of time with the Dolphins 1st round pick.  But I can assure you, he will be ready to go in week 1 because I’m not mean.

The Flying Pig:  Assuming I believe you…what makes you so sure he will be ready to go in Week 1.

The Sweet Screw:  Because I’m filled with love Piggy…

PIGGY GAGS

The Sweet Screw: And because I am simply a precautionary measure.

TrotterDiagram

The Flying Pig:  So you Say!  (accusatory)  Here is a diagram.  Can you tell me exactly where you were inserted in Parker’s foot?

The Sweet Screw:  Um…I’m not sure that diagram is anatomically correct Piggy.   Besides, its irrelevant.  The decision to insert me in Parker’s foot was a long-term decision by the Dolphins.  They are looking out for Parker’s health years from now.  It was a collaborative decision from Parker’s camp and the Dolphins – which if you ask me is a classy move by the Dolphins.

The Flying Pig:  How do we know you aren’t going to sabotage his rookie year?

The Sweet Screw: Piggy…Is it possible you might just be a little nervous about the upcoming season.  You have nothing to worry about.  Parker actually hurt his foot in his senior season at Louisville.  Parker was looking great in the OTAs well after that injury.

LateNiteSet2 The Flying Pig:  Don’t you lie to me you little punk! The Sweet Screw:  Lie…Piggy, Im being honest.  I wouldn’t lie to you.  I love you.  I love everyone. The Flying Pig:  NO!!!  Do not come here and lie to me.  I know your game.  You are going to linger, and linger and we will never see Parker play in 2015.  I hate you screw.  I HATE YOU!!! The Sweet Screw: But Piggy….(wiping away a tear from his eye) The Flying Pig:  Get the fuck off my show you son of a bitch!

THE SWEET SCREW RUNS OFF THE SHOW CRYING  

THE CROWD BOOS PIGGY

PIGGY DRINKS “WATER” FROM THE MUG ON HIS DESK

FOR WEEKS AFTER THE SHOW PIGGY RECEIVED HATE MAIL FROM PEOPLE WATCHING HIS MISTREATMENT OF THE SWEET SCREW.  HERE IS A SAMPLING OF THE ANGRY EMAILS:

TimsEmail RandysEmail OmarsEmail JahnsEmail RobsEmail KongsEmail MikesEmail

PIGGY WAS LOST.  HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  

WAS HE NERVOUS ABOUT PARKER’S STATUS?  WAS PARKER GOING TO BE A BUST BECAUSE OF THE SWEET SCREW?  OR WAS PIGGY JUST BEING NERVOUS BECAUSE HE’S BEEN SCREWED BEFORE.

SO PIGGY WENT TO HIS CLOSET TO CONSULT THE BUST GODS

SacredBustJersey The Flying Pig:  (kneeling)  Oh great wasted $120 I can never have back.  Guide me.  Speak to me.  Tell me.  Did I mistreat the Sweet Screw?  Is he helping Parker?  Or will Parker be a bust?  Speak to me fruitless one.  Show me the way.

PIGGY KNEELED IN FRONT OF HIS CLOSET FOR A MONTH WAITING FOR AN ANSWER

AFTER A LONG SILENCE, THE JERSEY SPOKE TO PIGGY

The Jersey:  Piggy…. The Flying Pig:  Yes!  Speak to me!  Guide me! The Jersey:  I’m suspended until 2016, so it will have to wait… The Flying Pig:  Oh, fuck you  (shutting the closet door)

IN TIME, THE GUILT GOT TO PIGGY AND HE APOLOGIZED TO THE SWEET SCREW

IN RETURN, THE SWEET SCREW GAVE PIGGY A GIFT AWWWWW, HE IS SO SWEET…

PIGGY WAS WHOLE AGAIN

ParkerGift

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326 Responses to The Porcine Oddyssey #94: An Interview with a Sweet Screw

  1. stangerx says:

    What I am surprised about is they didn’t give him the chance to just take the 4 without the cell phone thing being mentioned. Or maybe they did…….

    • The Flying Pig says:

      To the Brady camp
      It’s all about his reputation
      So I’m guessing they were pushing for no suspension
      Or some sort of public apology

      • stangerx says:

        But they had to know it wasn’t coming based on the phone. He’s moved from protecting his privacy rights to A Hernandez.

  2. The Flying Pig says:

  3. getterdone says:

    *Correction….

  4. The Flying Pig says:

  5. stangerx says:

    What do you think it’s worth on E-Bay?

  6. The Flying Pig says:

  7. The Flying Pig says:

    I thought this was the funniest tweet

  8. Jahndoh30 says:

    So glad the suspension was upheld. Hope he DOES fight it in court. Lets have his precious “reputation” on page 1 of the news for another year. He’ll probably fight it the entire year than announce his retirement. Lol..

    Hilarious stuff Piggy!!!!!!!!!

    • stangerx says:

      He’d be the stupidest MF in the world if he does.

    • steveccnv says:

      That’s what I’ve been hoping for all along, drag it out as long as possible. It would be funny, if he did fight it in court, so he could play the first half of the yr, then get suspended for the 2nd half.

  9. steveccnv says:

    On the radio they were asking, why can’t the suspension go up to 6 or 8 games with the new evidence.

    • The Flying Pig says:

      well the CBA is a different animal than the courts
      but generally, there is no increased penalty on appeal
      If some one does something punishable during appeal its a separate “case”
      The idea of upholding an appeal is that the decision was “correct”
      if you are saying it was too harsh or not harsh enough you are saying it was “incorrect”
      This isn;t written in stone anywhere
      don;t give it any weight b/c I’m a lawyer
      just saying what I think is the idea between not increasing punishments during an appeal

      • Tim Knight says:

        What about new evidence about destroying the phone?

        And what about a pointed stick?

  10. stangerx says:

    Sorry Gisele got get off. Been 4 months…..time to smash.

  11. steveccnv says:

    What we’ve been hearing for the last few days is, it isn’t fair that they don’t tell the cheats if the suspension will be upheld, dragging it on into camp.

    They cheated and the way it’s being handled isn’t fair? Fight fire with fire.

  12. getterdone says:

    Was just reading where it’s thought that Brady will still take this to federal court.
    I hope so. Make a spectacle out of yourself Marsha boy!

    • Tim Knight says:

      Totally agree!

    • The Flying Pig says:

      I’ve been hearing that was the basis to why settlement was likely

      So now that there is no settlement, it seems likely to me too

      And I agree with you
      it will become a spectacle

      A Federal Court is going to reverse a suspension where the suspended player destroyed evidence….I don;t think so

      Ken and I discussed it last week
      We sort of disagree
      I have a lot of reservations that the Federal Court will even interfere or hear the case
      They might choose not to interfere with the NFL disciplining a player as permitted under the CBA

      I feel like after Ray Rice people assume the Federal Court will always be a factor, and I am thinking, they might not be, in fact they might choose to make a point of it in this case

  13. Rhino says:

    Baseball fans:
    Zobrist to KC for #4 lhp prospect Manaea… 96 mph fastball, #2 prospect in KC farm system. If A’s are gonna suck, it’s nice to get something out of it. lol

    Al: I liked Kazmir. He got tired at the end of the season, but with the A’s his injuries have been negligent. He’s been great for us.

  14. Rockphin says:

    I just read that one of the NFLPA / Brady’s defense’s arguments is, wait for it, that although it is against the rules, it is against the rules for team staff, not the player…

    Also, this: He wasn’t made aware of what the penalty for cheating would before hand….

    • Tim Knight says:

      Liars continue to get caught lying and making stuff up. That’s how it works when you lie.

    • steveccnv says:

      Being unaware of the law/rules doesn’t get you off free.

      By that logic:
      Why doesn’t he set the refs shirt on fire, moon the Fans, drink a beer on the sidelines?

  15. getterdone says:

    Bloomberg’s Scott Soshnick reports the NFL has asked the U.S. District Court in Manhattan to “confirm” Tom Brady’s four-game suspension.
    In other words, they’re suing Brady before he can sue them. Brady’s 2014-15 decision to slightly under-inflate his footballs has resulted in an all-out war with the league. The SportsBusiness Journal’s Daniel Kaplan speculates the league’s suit is designed to get the matter out of judge David Doty’s jurisdiction. Doty has often been a thorn in the NFL’s side. Brady’s case is looking a bit shaky amidst the revelation he intentionally destroyed his phone on the day of his meeting with investigator Ted Wells.

    • The Flying Pig says:

      I think that is a mistake by the NFL
      Basically giving the Fed Court their consent to look at the merits
      They basically just agreed to jump the first hurdle for Brady

    • Rhino says:

      Patriots players have serious anger/abuse issues with their cell phones. lol

    • stangerx says:

      I don’t even understand what this means. Why would the NFL go to a fed district court to confirm anything?

      • The Flying Pig says:

        It really doesn’t make sense
        I didn’t even think of it until you mentioned it

        Is there an underlying lawsuit
        There has to be to even pose a federal question

        A lot of people will try to say its recipricol
        but I don;t think it is unless there is somethiing I am missing

    • getterdone says:

      The canned hunts totally disgust me!

    • The Flying Pig says:

      Talk about finger pointing

      I relied on the expertise of the guides is as finger pointing as it gets

      • Tim Knight says:

        He knew what he was doing. He should be put out there nude with raw meat hanging off of him and let them clean him up.

    • steveccnv says:

      Yeah, what an asshole. I think all hunting should be banned, unless they deem it necessary, because of over-population. Back in the day when hunting was done to put food on the table, is a different matter, but trophy hunting…

  16. Rhino says:

    Mets fans:
    Mets offered Rafael Montero for Zobrist. A’s turned it down…. guess they hoped Beane doesn’t read injury reports. lol

  17. Rockphin says:

    The Pat’s first four games are Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Jacksonville & Dallas. I think with Jimmy the greek at QB they will lose three of those. (who knows, MAYBE Jax can pull off a win too) That puts them at 1-3 to start the season while we will be a 4-0

    1-3 teams do not make the playoffs statistically speaking.

  18. steveccnv says:

    Pig, Ray Rice’s suspension went up after new evidence came out (video).

    • The Flying Pig says:

      You are correct – factually

      but just to add some details to it
      The NFL had already suspended Rice and it was a minor suspension
      and then the video came out and there was a negative public reaction

      So the NFl increased the penalty significantly after it initially ruled

      that was what lead to the Fed Court involvement
      The fact that Rice was basically punished twice for the same incident

      My take on it, is that the Fed court won;t get involved in punishment under the CBA unless there is something patently unfair like
      a. punishing some one twice; or
      b. the same guy who heard the initial hearing hearing the appeal

      I mention the 2nd one b/c it happened in this case with Brady
      if the Fed Court get involved I suspect they will cite this as a basis as to why they might get involved

      and I do personally think its unfair and overeaching for the NFL to allow the commish to hear a trial and the appeal even though the CBA permits it

      to me that is the real threat to the 4 game suspension, the fact that Goodell heard the appeal
      That is the thing the Fed Court needs to say – “okay that is not fair”

      but the facts of this case, don;t really call for it
      and sometimes the facts of a case (that are not supposed to be looked at” end up being a factor

      I’m just speculating

  19. getterdone says:

    Rock & Steve, the Cheatriots started 2-2 last season 🙄

    • steveccnv says:

      Yes, I know, that’s what I’m saying, just, because Brady is out for 4 games don’t count them out. The biggest difference from last yr is the fact that their starting cbs are gone.

      • getterdone says:

        Yeah, I’d love to see Tanny burn their secondary and we light them up for a ton of points and then run the ball down their throats while Brady watches from the sidelines!

    • Rockphin says:

      And cheated their way into the Superbowl, Yeah I know what happened last year.

      THIS year they will start 1-3 and will fall to 2-5 after losing to the Colts and beating the Jets. Then they will play us and lose Brady for the rest of the year when Suh / Wake / Vernon make a pretzel sandwich out of him. They will then go on to lose 6 more and win two for a final record of 4-12

  20. steveccnv says:

    When the Raiders and Al Davis fought the league they were unofficially blackballed, not given a fair shake on calls. My hope is the cheats get the same treatment.

  21. wyoming85 says:

    Man ya’ll are hilarious!

    I heard less outrage about the Riots and mass murders going on than I do about a fucking lion in Africa?

    Not that he wasn’t a dip shit and has a history of bending the rules of hunting area’s.
    Should of had his licence pulled the first time. ( Not that does any good in Africa )

    But seriously it’s a fuckin lion

  22. herdfan says:

    Brady’s defense is he regularly destroys his phones? People who regularly destroy their phones on purpose (burner phones) are doing it to hide something or to prevent being linked to something they shouldn’t be doing, generally something illegal. That’s the best he can come up with? What an idiot!!!

  23. The Flying Pig says:

    I’m going to go ahead and guess that Brady’s lawyers did not actually tell him to destroy his phone

    at best it was sort of like “wink wink Brady, if you did, I never knew about it”

    • Al in MIA says:

      LOL.
      Or something along the lines of the lawyers simply saying in general discussion. “Ok Tom, since you destroyed the phone for security reasons….” …with Brady going, “I did?”

  24. Al in MIA says:

    When is Bookman planning to visit NYC?
    There are plenty of hotels but I agree with Piggy…who the F stays at the Pennsylvania Hotel except the Westminister Dog Show dogs lol.

  25. Al in MIA says:

    Not sure Brady is going to bother challenging in court anyway, the NFLPA is going to battle the NFL ruling for him.

  26. Al in MIA says:

    Tim,
    lol, well ‘reasonable’ in NYC can mean alot of things.
    August should be cheap as people prepare to take their kids to school all over the US.
    Can find probably a ton of places under 200 a night.
    In terms of the national chains, Comfort Inn is probably the cheapest but their rooms are definitely no frills and are just big enough to fit the bed.

  27. getterdone says:

    Chiefs NT Dontari Poe is recovering from back surgery to repair a herniated disk, and is out indefinitely.
    Poe won’t participate in camp. Per coach Andy Reid, there’s a “reasonable chance” Poe returns at the “end of the season.” Poe was a slow developer, but has come on as one of the league’s premier nose tackles. His loss is a massive blow for a run defense that was one of the league’s worst in 2014, and doesn’t know what it will get from Mike DeVito and Derrick Johnson as they recover from Achilles’ injuries. Poe has missed just one game in three NFL seasons. Jaye Howard is the next man up on the depth chart.
    _______________________________
    Ouch! I wish we had them on our schedule this year…oh well.
    Can bet Reid will be looking at whoever we cut @ DT.

  28. Tim Knight says:

    Wyo is anti-Lionte. 😉

  29. Al in MIA says:

    Tim,
    Oh well I guess this one is off Bookman’s hotel options list…LOL
    http://chelseamewsguesthouse.com/

  30. olddolphan says:

    From the snowplow game to Spygate to Deflategate, the Patriots are a franchise built on the twin concepts of CHEATING AND LYING. BELICHEAT was below .500 when he couldn’t cheat at Cleveland and got fired. All of a sudden he becomes a “genius” when he goes to Foxboro?? –No, No, I am most certainly NOT BUYING THAT!! Voting Belicheat and Brady into the Hall of Fame would make as much sense as voting Bonds, McGwire, Sosa,and Palmeiro into the baseball Hall of Fame. It is time the voters took a long look at CHEATING and asked themselves “HOW DO WE STOP IT???” One good way would be to NOT REWARD CHEATERS with a bust in the Hall!! –Yes, I agree that we’ll ALWAYS have cheaters. That’s true of most/all professions. But that DOESN’T MEAN we have to encourage CHEATERS!! – – And voting Belicheat and Brady into the Hall in Canton would be JUST THAT–an encouragement and a reward for CHEATING!!
    —————–
    In my mind, the New England franchise always reminds me of robbers, killers, cheaters and the lowest kind of scum! Aaron Hernandez, the criminal who, on work release, drove the snow plow, Brady, Belicheat and the kingpin of the whole franchise, Bob Kraft, who SHAMELESSLY DATED A WOMEN HALF HIS AGE WHILE HIS WIFE WAS DYING OF CANCER!!!!!—WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!! ONLY Bob Kraft could make me side with Putin when he unceremoniously KEPT one of Kraft’s Super Bowl rings!!

  31. Brian in NY says:

    Mike/Tim,

    Meija suspended 162 games for 2nd PED violation. I wonder if that is why we acquired Clippard.

  32. Rhino says:

    talking heads on sports shows are starting to back pedal on Brady because of the whole “destroyed his cell phone” revelation. Polian destroyed Brady (…and I could care less if he had a motive cuz it was so much fun).

    • Mike E. says:

      Sounds bad from the headline, but that site is blocked at work for some reason. I too, hope Manitoba is OK

    • Al in MIA says:

      Well the report does say that no one was hurt. Anyway, that it lasted for 2-3 hours is the insane part. I can just see Home crying HAARP lol

  33. Al in MIA says:

    It’s going to be a great season for the AFC home teams when the Patriots are on the road. There will be an endless supply of signs, props, & gestures directed at the Pats. TV producers will be trying hard to avoid showing any of it on national TV.

  34. stangerx says:

    Tommy Boy couldn’t care less about inflation levels……everybody just hates the Pats for being so good.
    ——————————-
    “Second, at least by the time of the AFC Championship Game, the inflation level of the footballs was a matter of particular interest to Mr. Brady. He told the Patriots’ equipment staff that he wanted the footballs inflated at the lowest permissible level; he reviewed a highlighted copy of the provision of the Playing Rules that addressed inflation of footballs; and he instructed the equipment staff to present a copy of the rule to the game officials.”

  35. Brian in NY says:

    LMAO @ Angry Mike!

  36. Brian in NY says:

    Duda wih a 1st inning HR. 2-0 Metropolitans

  37. Mike E. says:

    LET’S GO METS!!!

  38. The Flying Pig says:

    Don’t worry
    I met Manitoba
    I am sure he IS the storm

  39. Ken says:

    LMAO @ Piggy all the way from Mexico

  40. The Flying Pig says:

  41. dbolt48 says:

    As the great Lionel Richie would sing:

    “You’re once, twice, 4 times a cheater”

    • The Flying Pig says:

      Bradys reputation is toast
      And I think the patriots and their fan base have made it worse

      • dbolt48 says:

        No doubt. The best part is their only defense is “he didn’t have to show them his phone.”….LOL

  42. The Flying Pig says:

    If it goes to federal court
    They are going to subpoena all phone records

  43. herdfan says:

    Bookman(if you’re still around)

    Took me a bit to remember the name of it but another hotel I’ve stayed at in NYC, the Muse, a boutique type hotel less than a block from Times Square. Great location, and as I recall very good place to stay. The thing I remembered about it was the bed was VERY comfy! lol No clue what the rates are but as I recall it was walking distance to a lot of places so no need to spend $$ on cabs.

  44. Ken says:

    Piggy:

    Mexico is really hot but the drinks are great. Doing the Mayan ruins tomorrow

  45. Ken says:

    I think the league is pre-emptively filing in Federal court in Manhattan to get around whatever jurisdiction Judge Doty had over the CBA appeals

  46. Ken says:

    Piggy:
    For some reason not too many margaritas but a lot of pina coladas and mojitos

  47. CavalierKong says:

    Just read Goodell’s decision in it’s entirety.
    Slam dunk!
    An appeal will only move the suspension to later in the season IF team Brady succeeds in getting an injunction.
    Suck it Brady!

  48. Ken says:

    Drive by from Mexico is done. Go Phins and fuck Brady

  49. CavalierKong says:

    Goodell’s decision masterfully addressed every single perceived weak point of the case: the two needles used on game day, the independent scientific study that refuted the science of the Wells Report regarding the Ideal Gas Law, “delegating” the decision to Troy Vincent, inconsistency with the punishment in comparison to past actions, etc, and It slams the absurdity of all Brady’s excuses including his weak ass attempt to explain destroying his phone.

    It completely destroys any shred of credibility Brady could lay claim to. This is better than Christmas. My favorite part of this is that if Brady had just admitted to it in the beginning it would have been a minor punishment, talked about for a few weeks, then filed away. LMAO, he brought this all on himself with his holier than though, self righteous bullshit.

    HAHAHAHAHA, enjoy the harvest you dirty cheating assclown!!

  50. manitobafinfan says:

    jets suck/Mike: Thanx for thinking of me. Storm was 2 hrs SE of me. Two weekends ago we had 3-4 twisters touch down 45 mins north in the wife’s old hometown. 2-3 hours touch down is crazy shit.

    Piggy: you calling me a windbag?? I’m gonna throat punch ya😡. Just kidding 😎

    Welcome back GDP

    Ken: have a couple tequila shots for me.

    Is it football season yet ?? GO PHINS!!!

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