The Porcine Oddyssey #94: An Interview with a Sweet Screw
A STUDIO AUDIENCE SITS EXCITED FOR A START OF A TELEVISION SHOW
Announcer: Welcome to another episode of Late Night Pulled Pork with your host Pigsgerald Bacon
PIGGY COMES OUT OF THE CURTAIN AND BOWS. THEN HE SITS AT A DESK
The Flying Pig: Welcome to another installment of Late Night Pulled Pork with your favorite Bacon.
Tonight We have a very special guest with us.
Every Dolfan has heard about DeVante Parker’s offseason surgery right?
Well tonight we have…
No…um…not DeVante Parker. But we have the next best thing. We have the screw inserted in his foot! Everybody put your hands together for the Sweet Screw!
THE SWEET SCREW COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN AS THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS LOUDLY
I love all of you.
You are the Greatest Ever!!!
I want to hug you all!
THE SWEET SCREW SITS IN A CHAIR NEXT TO PIGGY’S DESK
The Sweet Screw: Oh Piggy, I’m so happy to be here with all these beautiful people in the audience. Being around such great people is like Christmas for me
The Flying Pig: Okay…
The Sweet Screw: Being around such amazing people and pigs for just a moment is almost as good as volunteering at the Children’s Hospital…
The Flying Pig: Um…let’s get to the….
The Sweet Screw: I took time off from my visit at the nursing home to be here. And even though I’m miss all the smiling dentures, I’m just filled with love being here. Can you feel the love Piggy? I just want to HUG!
THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS LOUDER
The Flying Pig: Okay Okay…you are very sweet…we get it now…
The Sweet Screw: because I’m filled with LOVE!
The Flying Pig: Whatever (flipping through some index cards)…So in early June, Parker was pulled from offseason practices to have corrective surgery and you were inserted in his foot correct?
The Sweet Screw: That is right Piggy. I’ve been spending a lot of time with the Dolphins 1st round pick. But I can assure you, he will be ready to go in week 1 because I’m not mean.
The Flying Pig: Assuming I believe you…what makes you so sure he will be ready to go in Week 1.
The Sweet Screw: Because I’m filled with love Piggy…
The Sweet Screw: And because I am simply a precautionary measure.
The Flying Pig: So you Say! (accusatory) Here is a diagram. Can you tell me exactly where you were inserted in Parker’s foot?
The Sweet Screw: Um…I’m not sure that diagram is anatomically correct Piggy. Besides, its irrelevant. The decision to insert me in Parker’s foot was a long-term decision by the Dolphins. They are looking out for Parker’s health years from now. It was a collaborative decision from Parker’s camp and the Dolphins – which if you ask me is a classy move by the Dolphins.
The Flying Pig: How do we know you aren’t going to sabotage his rookie year?
The Sweet Screw: Piggy…Is it possible you might just be a little nervous about the upcoming season. You have nothing to worry about. Parker actually hurt his foot in his senior season at Louisville. Parker was looking great in the OTAs well after that injury.
The Flying Pig: Don’t you lie to me you little punk! The Sweet Screw: Lie…Piggy, Im being honest. I wouldn’t lie to you. I love you. I love everyone. The Flying Pig: NO!!! Do not come here and lie to me. I know your game. You are going to linger, and linger and we will never see Parker play in 2015. I hate you screw. I HATE YOU!!! The Sweet Screw: But Piggy….(wiping away a tear from his eye) The Flying Pig: Get the fuck off my show you son of a bitch!
THE SWEET SCREW RUNS OFF THE SHOW CRYING
THE CROWD BOOS PIGGY
PIGGY DRINKS “WATER” FROM THE MUG ON HIS DESK
FOR WEEKS AFTER THE SHOW PIGGY RECEIVED HATE MAIL FROM PEOPLE WATCHING HIS MISTREATMENT OF THE SWEET SCREW. HERE IS A SAMPLING OF THE ANGRY EMAILS:
PIGGY WAS LOST. HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
WAS HE NERVOUS ABOUT PARKER’S STATUS? WAS PARKER GOING TO BE A BUST BECAUSE OF THE SWEET SCREW? OR WAS PIGGY JUST BEING NERVOUS BECAUSE HE’S BEEN SCREWED BEFORE.
SO PIGGY WENT TO HIS CLOSET TO CONSULT THE BUST GODS
The Flying Pig: (kneeling) Oh great wasted $120 I can never have back. Guide me. Speak to me. Tell me. Did I mistreat the Sweet Screw? Is he helping Parker? Or will Parker be a bust? Speak to me fruitless one. Show me the way.
PIGGY KNEELED IN FRONT OF HIS CLOSET FOR A MONTH WAITING FOR AN ANSWER
AFTER A LONG SILENCE, THE JERSEY SPOKE TO PIGGY
The Jersey: Piggy…. The Flying Pig: Yes! Speak to me! Guide me! The Jersey: I’m suspended until 2016, so it will have to wait… The Flying Pig: Oh, fuck you (shutting the closet door)
IN TIME, THE GUILT GOT TO PIGGY AND HE APOLOGIZED TO THE SWEET SCREW
IN RETURN, THE SWEET SCREW GAVE PIGGY A GIFT AWWWWW, HE IS SO SWEET…
PIGGY WAS WHOLE AGAIN