The Porcine Oddyssey #2


The Flying Pig: Okay Colonpokey, you said you wanted to talk Tight Ends. Well I’m ready. Tell me everything you know

Colonpokey: Oh no Piggy. I won’t discuss it.

The Flying Pig: What?

Colonpokey: I cannot disclose what I know Piggy.

The Flying Pig: What is it? A secret?

Colonpokey: Yes.

The Flying Pig: Come on Colonpokey, I want to know about Tight Ends. I want to know about speedy Tight Ends that can stretch the field. Please tell me what you know?

Colonpokey: I know nothing Piggy…

The Flying Pig: I thought you did the research?

Colonpokey: Well, if you really want to know I can take you to my source.

The Flying Pig: Whatever. Take me there.

Colonpokey: Its this way. Bring a shovel.

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey you are pointing to a cemetery. Why do I need to bring a shovel?

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Colonpokey: Do you desire this knowledge Piggy?

The Flying Pig: Yeah, I guess so…

Colonpokey: And you are ready to make a great sacrifice?

The Flying Pig: I guess googling it is overrated, if that is what you mean.

Colonpokey: Good then come with me and bring the shovel.

The Flying Pig: Okay…I’ll play along.

Colonpokey: This way Piggy, deep into the cemetery…

The Flying Pig: I’m scared.

Colonpokey: You fear great knowledge Piggy?

The Flying Pig: No, I’m scared someone will see me with a hamster and a shovel in a cemetery.

Colonpokey: Here it is! This is the tombstone.

The Flying Pig: This tombstone, the one that is shaped like a jumpsuit?

Colonpokey: Yes. Dig Pig…Dig…

The Flying Pig: I’m not going to….

Colonpokey: Do you want the knowledge?

The Flying Pig: Eh, um, eh…Googling it would have been much easier.

Colonpokey: Dig Pig…Dig…

The Flying Pig: Okay….I guess…You know I’m not even sure we need to draft a Tight End. Fasano is a solid Tight End. I mean I question our depth but maybe Clay can be used that way too. Philbin has stated that he doesn’t use the Fullback much, so maybe we will use Clay to stretch the field. I mean he did catch 16 catches for 233 yards last year. Conversely, John Kuhn, the fullback for the Packers….

Colonpokey: Heehee…Packers

The Flying Pig: Had about the same amount of catches, 15, but for only 77 yards. So Philbin doesn’t use the Fullback the same way as Daboll did. This digging is going to make my chops sore in the morning.

Colonpokey: Dig Pig…Dig…Dig deep, like you are in deep into the colon.

The Flying Pig: You aren’t helping. Anyway, as I was saying, you can see how they can use Clay as a Tight End. But no question Jermichael Finely was a pig part of the Pac…er, Green Bay’s offense last year. He caught 55 passes for 767 yards, which is much more than Fasano’s 32 catches for 451 yards. Finely is interesting player. He was a 3rd round pick. And like I mentioned before we have two third round picks. I can really see the third round picks being used to add weapons on offense like Wide Receivers and Tight Ends. Finley is very athletic but he doesn’t have blazing speed. He ran a 4.82 40 at the combine when he was drafted in 2008. So maybe speed is not so important.

Colonpokey: Piggy watch your mouth! You are so close. Don’t say that.

The Flying Pig: Don’t say what? That the 40 yard dash doesn’t mean so much.

THUNK

The Flying Pig: I just hit something hard Colonpokey. What is it? Its not what I think it is, is it?

Colonpokey: Move the dirt away from the coffin, Piggy, so you can open it.

The Flying Pig: Coffin! I’m not going to…well, on second thought…I’ve never seen an adidas coffin before…

Colonpokey: Open it Piggy! Open it, like spreading the cheeks of…

The Flying Pig: Okay! I get it. Just shut up and I will open it.

THE COFFIN MAKES A LOUD CREAKING SOUND AS IT OPENS

The Flying Pig: What? Who? Who is that? Its not….

THE CORPSE OF AL DAVIS RISES FROM THE COFFIN

AL DAVIS

The Corpse of Al Davis: Who speaks of the blasphemy of the 40 yaad dash times? Who daahs to take the combine’s name in vain?

The Flying Pig: That was me. I was just saying that 40 times may not matter so much in….

The Corpse of Al Davis: Silence! Your ignorance is staaggering….baby. Do you come here for my knawledge?

Colonpokey: Answer him Piggy. Don’t be scared.

The Flying Pig: I’m not scared. He is gross. Did his ear just fall off?

The Corpse of Al Davis: Pigstah, I will tell you what I know for a price.

The Flying Pig: What? You charge for talking about the draft? Colonpokey, what did you get me involved with!

The Corpse of Al Davis: In exchange for this knowledge you must either become a fan of the Raidahs or curse the name of Lane Kiffin.. Its your choice pick one.

The Flying Pig: Thats an easy choince. Lane Kiffin is an asshole!

The Corpse of Al Davis: Very well. I will tell you what I know. The real speed in this draft is at Wide Receivah.

The Flying Pig: I know. We covered that – sheesh its like you’ve been dead for months and missed that entire conversation. We are here to talk about Tight Ends.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Tight Ends? But they are slow and lumbering and this draft is not very deep at that position. But very well. If you choose to talk Tight Ends, you have spoken ill of Lane Kiffin and completed the sacred act……baby.

The Flying Pig: Well?

The Corpse off Al Davis: Coby Fleenah.

The Flying Pig: Fleener.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Fleenah.

The Flying Pig: Fleen-ER.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Fleen-AH.

The Flying Pig: Forget it. Go on.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Has been clocked in the mid 4.4s.

The Flying Pig: That’s it?

The Corpse of Al Davis: What else is there?

The Flying Pig: How about the fact that Fleener was a former high school basketball player -so you know he can jump. Or that he has sure hands and makes some incredible catches. Or that he lined up at almost every eligible receiver position at Stanford . He was Andrew Luck’s favorite target. The only thing negative I have to say about Fleener is that he is not a good blocker.

The Corpse of Al Davis: He is fast too!

The Flying Pig: Yeah, fast too. I think we mentioned that already. Watch this clip.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Reminds me of Vahnon Davis. Vahnon ran a 4.38 at the combine.

The Flying Pig: Vernon.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Vah-non.

The Flying Pig: Forget it. Lets move on. Well…

The Corpse of Al Davis: I need more compensation Pigstah.

The Flying Pig: What more Lane Kiffin bashing? Lane Kiffin is a jerk.

The Corpse of Al Davis: James Hanna.

The Flying Pig: Is that really his name. It not Hanner or something is it?

The Corpse of Al Davis: Yes – Hanna. James Hanna ran an impressive 4.49 40 yard dash…

The Flying Pig: Aren’t you forgetting a few guys? Hanna is a 6th rounder, at best a 5th rounder.

The Corpse of Al Davis: No baby, if I was running the draft Hanna would be a second roundah.

The Flying Pig: Just because he is fast! There are ton of guys rated higher that Hanna. Take Dwayne Allen…

The Corpse of Al Davis: 4.89. Fahget it.

The Flying Pig: What, just because he has a slow 40 time? The guy was a beast in college. He is an exceptional route runner and has a reputation for a great work ethic.

THE CORPSE OF AL DAVIS’ ARM FALLS OFF

The Corpse of Al Davis: Look at what you are doing to me Pigstah. Stop with this blasphemy. We do not talk about the slow here.

The Flying Pig: Okay, Okay. How about Orson Charles….well?…..Oh I am sorry, I forgot. Lane Kiffin is not his father.

The Corpse of Al Davis: 4.83

The Flying Pig: That’s it? Come one Skeletor, you can do better than that.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Actually there is more on Chaalls.

The Flying Pig: Charles…sigh.

The Corpse of Al Davis: There are rumahs that he is much faster than that.

The Flying Pig: And….

The Corpse of Al Davis: He is very strong. He actually broke the bench press reps record for Tight Ends at the combine. Very impressive.

The Flying Pig: and his hands?

The Corpse of Al Davis: Um, they may be questionable. He actually mishandled the 2006 UF National Championship trophy on a recruiting trip to Florida and dropped it…smashing it. Then to make mattahs worse, he went to Georgia.

The Flying Pig: That is pretty stupid. But not as stupid as getting arrested for DUI a little more than a month before the draft. Read about that here:

http://espn.go.com/nfl/draft2012/story/_/id/7664901/former-georgia-bulldogs-te-orson-charles-arrested-charged-drunken-driving

The Corpse of Al Davis: My kind of playah!

The Flying Pig: We don’t need another Brandon Marshall here.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Mah-shall.

The Flying Pig: Ughhh. You must have something positive to say about Ladarius Green.

The Corpse of Al Davis: I love this kid. He is fast and he is, oh wait, did you mention Kiffin?

The Flying Pig: Fuck Kiffin.

The Corpse of Al Davis: He ran an impressive 4.53 and is a 6’5 tall almost 6’6. Now that is a Tight End. Not exactly a bulky guy at around 240 pounds but who caahs. He is fast!. He averaged 18 yaads a catch last year. Reminds me of Rob Houslah who was drafted in the 3rd round last year.

The Flying Pig: Housler.

The Corpse of Al Davis: Hous-lah.

The Flying Pig: That’s it. I’m done here.

Colonpokey: Oh, Piggy, you just can’t leave like that.

The Corpse of Al Davis: No we must chant the words.

Colonpokey: Yes, the words!

The Flying Pig: What?

The Corpse of Al Davis: You won’t remember a thing. You won’t remember a thing. You won’t remember a thing:

Colonpokey: (joining in) You won’t remember a thing. You won’t remember a thing…

The Flying Pig: What? What is going on? Its getting hazy…

THE NEXT MORNING THE FLYING PIG WAKES UP IN HIS BED

The Flying Pig: What happened last night? I feel like a College Coed on Spring Break. I don’t remember what I did last night and my chops are soar. Where am I? What am I doing here? What are any of us doing here? Oh yes, the draft, the draft…

ROLLING OVER

Colonpokey: Good morning Piggy!

The Flying Pig: What? What are you doing in my bed?

Colonpokey: Heehee….we had a good time last night…

The Flying Pig: What do you mean? Get out of my bed!

Colonpokey: Awwww. Don’t be mad. I made you breakfast. You like breakfast right?

The Flying Pig: Well, what did you make?

Colonpokey: Pancakes…

The Flying Pig: Just pancakes?

Colonpokey: Well. I made a couple of other things too…

The Flying Pig: What did you make Colonpokey?

Colonpokey: You know, breakfast things…

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey – WHAT DID YOU MAKE?

Colonpokey: Okay, I made pancakes and…

The Flying Pig: And?

Colonpokey: And Pork Sausages, Ham, Regular Bacon, Thick Cut Bacon, Canadian Bacon and Irish Bacon…Piggy…Piggy…what’s wrong?

The Flying Pig: YOU DISGUSTING RODENT!

THE FLYING PIG PROCEEDS TO BEAT COLONPOKEY WITH A PANCAKE

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