The Porcine Oddyssey #3

Colonpokey: (whispering) Hey you mobs…er whatever you are calling yourself. I have a secret. Don’t tell Piggy. I have sworn revenge on Piggy. No one beats this hamster with a pancake! No one! I will have my revenge. I’ve been training.

Colonpokey: I’ve been lifting weights. I will have my revenge.

Colonpokey: I’ve been sparring with my friends. I will have my revenge.

Colonpokey: I’ve been cycling hundreds of miles. I will have my revenge.

Colpnpokey: I’ve been swimming in human size pools. I will have my revenge.

Colonpokey: I’ve even been doing pull ups.

Colonpokey: I’m am a God among small pets. I will have my revenge. The swine will go down. Now to pick a fight (sinister laugh)


Colonpokey: Hey Piggy

The Flying Pig: Shhhh. I can’t focus on how Kiper’s hair never moves

Colonpokey: Piggy….look at me. I’m eating a pork chop. And its sooooo good.

The Flying Pig: Shhh. I’m waiting for Day 2 to start. These talking heads, and helmets, on ESPN know less than some hamsters I know. Its open season on the Dolphins. Do you know how many good prospects are left?

Colonpokey: I’m putting bacon bits on my pork chop…

The Flying Pig: On the OL alone there is so much talent: Guys like Bobbie Massie, Brandon Mosley, Brandon Brooks and Kevin Zeitler. Brooks seems more like a Sparano guy than a West Coast Offense guy. But he is still a stud. And I love Bobbie Massie. We should pull the trigger on him early.

Colonpokey: Who cares. The Dolphins suck


Colonpokey: I wasn’t ready for that…..Okay Piggy now you are in…..

The Flying Pig: Shhhhh. I’m trying to watch the draft. Look at all those wide receivers who are left.

Colonpokey: But Piggy…

The Flying Pig: Marvin Jones, Tommy Streeter, Greg Childs, Chris Givens….all the guys we were talking about…for the Dolphins to take

Colonpokey: But I hate the Dolphins


Colonpokey: (whispering) Okay readers with no name. I didn’t factor in that I only weigh 6 ounces. I have to come up with another way…

The Flying Pig: Shut up already. You are driving me crazy

Colonpokey: Hmmmm. Driving him crazy…A-Ha. I have a new idea

The Flying Pig: And look at the pass rushers who are still out there…

Colonpokey: (On Piggy’s shoulder whispering in his ear) What position will the Bills pick


The Flying Pig: I don’t care about the Bills…Colonpokey where did you go?

Colonpokey: (yelling into the room) What Piggy? I was in the other room. Did you say something?

The Flying Pig: You just asked me about the Bills

Colonpokey: Why would I mention those losers? Besides I was in the other room.

The Flying Pig: Okay. Whatever. Leave me to watch the draft. Its bad enough I have to put up with McShay and Kiper trying to one up each other all day.

Colonpokey: (On Piggy’s shoulder whispering in his ear) who will the Patriots pick?


The Flying Pig: The Cheatriots! Who cares about…

Colonpokey: (walking into the room) What Piggy? I thought you said you wanted to watch the draft? Are you talking to yourself?

The Flying Pig: No…I…um…Didn’t you just ask me abou?

Colonpokey: Piggy, I was in the kitchen cooking….Beef….I was cooking Beef

The Flying Pig: Are you sure you didn’t?

Colonpokey: Hah Hah Piggy. Maybe you have been watching the draft too long. I think you are hearing things. I’m going back to my cooking now….I’m not in the room anymore…I’m not able to say anything to you…I’m in another room now

The Flying Pig: Okay. Maybe I have been watching ESPN too long. The expereice of hearing Chris Berman make the same jokes he has made since 1982 can drive anyone a little crazy I guess. Back to the substance of the draft. Maybe even a DB like Jayron Hosley or Coryell Judie – Ryan Tannehill’s teammate.

Colonpokey: (On Piggy’s shoulder whispering in his ear) But what will the Jets do?


The Flying Pig: ARHGGG – The Jests! Whoever you are know this. The Jests are scum!

Colonpokey: (whispering) this isn’t working fast enough. I must have swift revenge. That swine has left me with no choice. I call on the voiceover gods to assist me. I call on the great Morgan Freeman to aid me and rid me of my nemesis

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey. Can you keep in down. Jaworski is about to pretend to be relevant

The Flying Pig: Here we go. The second round…

Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: The first night’s the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing shit they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell… and those bars slam home… that’s when you know it’s for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it

The Flying Pig: What? Is Morgan Freeman in the room?

Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: His first night in the joint, Andy Dufresne cost me two packs of cigarettes. He never made a sound

The Flying Pig: Oh. That is interesting. Can you shut up Morgan. The Rams are on the clock

Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile – prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him – sometimes he was able to fight ‘em off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Andy – that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him

The Flying Pig: Gross. Why am I hearing about prison rape instead of the draft? Colonpokey, did you hear that?

Colonpokey: Shhh. The Rams are on the clock

The Flying Pig: You didn’t hear anything?

Colonpokey: Heehee. No Piggy

Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: No one would have believed in the early years of the 21st century that our world was being watched by intelligences greater than our own; that as men busied themselves about their various concerns.

The Flying Pig: Are you switching movies on me Freeman? Is that War of Worlds?

Colonpokey: Who are you talking to Piggy?

The Flying Pig: Oh, no one.

Colonpokey: Feeling okay Piggy?

The Flying Pig: Of Course. Lets watch the draft. Morgan Freeman, what were you saying

Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: Nothin’, Miss Daisy. We jus’ carryin’ on

The Flying Pig: See Colonpokey! Did you hear that. Its Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy!

Colonpokey: I don’t hear anything except the clock ticking on the Browns pick Piggy

The Flying Pig: Really?

Colonpokey: Yeah. Are you okay Piggy?

The Flying Pig: Yes. Lets just watch the draft

Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: And they will march just as they have done for centuries, ever since the emperor penguin decided to stay, to live and love in the harshest place on Earth.

The Flying Pig: Are you fuckin kidding me – the March of the Penguins!

Colonpokey: Piggy. Maybe you should lie down?

The Flying Pig: Yes, maybe that is a good idea

Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Voiceover: Use the force Luke

The Flying Pig: What? Obi Wan? What happened to Morgan Freeman?

Dilios’s Voiceover: Immortals….we put their name to the test

The Flying Pig: Now the 300?

Kevin Costner’s Voice: If you build it, they will come

The Flying Pig: Okay that’s enough. Kevin Costner didn’t even say that in the movie

Colonpokey: Piggy, you don’t sound so good. In going to call a doctor

The Flying Pig: I don’t need a doctor. I need the draft

Colonpokey: (on the phone) Hello.,.I have a situation here. I would like to commit my spouse

The Flying Pig: Your spouse? Colonpokey, are you married?

Colonpokey: Just sit back Piggy. Take it easy. Everything will be okay

Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: I must admit I didn’t think much of Andy first time I laid eyes on him; looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.

The Flying Pig: Hey. Morgan Freeman is back!


Colonpokey: I will get it!


Colonpokey: This way gentleman (leading two hospital orderlies into the room) I didn’t want to do this but, I don’t think I can keep my spouse here anymore. I’m going to turn him Piggy over to you.

The Flying Pig: What? Colonpokey! What are you doing?

Colonpokey: Oh please don’t try to stab me again Piggy. Please no more knives…

The Flying Pig: Stab you?

Colonpokey: (to the orderlies) He doesn’t even remember

Orderly #1: Come with us.

The Flying Pig: With you? I’m watching the draft now

Orderly #2: You’ve been hearing voices

The Flying Pig: No. Morgan Freeman was just saying a few things to me.

Orderly #1: We don’t want to have to restrain you. Your husband is doing the right thing?

The Flying Pig: Husband? We are not married! I barely know him

Colonpokey: Oh…it hurts. It hurts. He doesn’t remember our marriage. Our honeymoon in Paris. Our passionate nights with Marc Sanchez….our….

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey I’m going to kill you!

Orderly #2: We should restrain him. Just sign this Mr. Pokey

Colonpokey: Its Po-KAY. Its French. I signed it. Take him a way!

Orderly #1: Calm down Piggy. Your husband is doing the right thing

The Flying Pig: He is not my husband? Why am I the wife in this thing!

Colonpokey: I see the look in his eyes. He is going to swat me again. Restrain him!

Orderly #1: Hold him down. I will put the jacket on him

The Flying Pig: No let me go. The Dolphins are on the clock. The Dolphins are on the clock!


The Flying Pig: Help me Morgan Freeman, Help me…

Orderly #2: We are taking you to a safe place, where you can’t hurt yourself or anyone else

The Flying Pig: Do you have ESPN?

This entry was posted in The Porcine Oddyssey and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.