The Porcine Oddyssey #4


The Flying Pig: Where am I?

Dr. Rex: Hello Piggy. You are in a “rehabilitation center”

The Flying Pig: A rehabilita….what? what happened?

Dr. Rex: Piggy, you had a sudden episode of intense fear and apprehension for no apparent reason or as a reaction to an identifiable triggering stimulus; specifically you had heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath, and feelings of unreality…I think you got a little nervous about the draft.

The Flying Pig: You got all that from rubbing my feet?

Dr. Rex: No. Its written on this chart in my hand.

The Flying Pig: Why is it puke green in this room? The walls, the ceiling, the bed the sheets…puke green. And why are you still rubbing my feet?

Dr. Rex: I told you, you are in a rehabilitation center. A NY Jets rehabilitation center. I bet you have always wondered where Jets fan come from. We make em here! Fans come in losing all faith in their team. Their spirits literally torn from their body, their brain turned to mush by empty promises, their heart torn to pieces, their spine ripped out of them with no courage left to take on the naysayers…we take what’s left of those fans we mush it together in a ball, metaphorically speaking, and there you have it – a Jets fan is born! By the way do I mention how lovely your trotters are?

The Flying Pig: That is how Jets fans are made?

Dr. Rex: Yes Piggy. (Pointing) take the gentleman in the bed two beds away.

The Flying Pig: The guy puking and peeing on himself?

Dr. Rex: Yes. (proudly) He’s really getting closer every day. Anyway, when he came here a Detroit Lions fans in 2007 at the end of the Matt Millen Era, he was a disgusting mess. Its taken a long time but a few more years here at the NY Jets Rehabilitation Center and he will be believing in false championship expectations brought on by a New York based media overrun by fans that were never smart enough to become Giants fans.

The Flying Pig: I see. Hey can you stop rubbing my feet now.

Dr. Rex: Okay Piggy. Let me take you somewhere in this wheelchair.

The Flying Pig: Where are we going doctor?

Dr. Rex: To the Super Bowl!

The Flying Pig: Really?

Dr. Rex: No. Sorry. I always recklessly promise that…Lets get a snack.

The Flying Pig: Okay. Do you think you can take this straight jacket off me?

Dr. Rex: No No Piggy. That is not an ordinary straight jacket. It’s a Revis Straight Jacket. Its keeps a hold of you well beyond 5 yards. Lets go this way

Nurse Ratchet: Dr. Rex. Dr. Rex? Where you taking Cromartie #61?

Dr. Rex: We are just going for a stroll.

The Flying Pig: What did she call me?

Nurse Ratchet: Cromartie #61 is speaking now? This will never do. We need him to drool and grunt – nothing more!

The Flying Pig: Cromartie?

Dr. Rex: Yes Piggy. Like Anthony Cromartie we strip are little ones of identities and just assign them a number. It’s part of the process. Don’t worry, I like to build up the egos of my guys. I’ll call you Piggy.

Nurse Ratchet: Its too soon Dr. Rex! Did you even show him the pictures?

Dr. Rex: No I suppose I skipped that

Nurse Ratchet: How will we know where he is…when he is ready…how will we know?

Dr. Rex: Alright, Alright. Piggy…er #61 (winking) I am going to show you a series of pictures. Tell me what you see. (Holding up the first photo) Tell me what you see here?

The Flying Pig: That’s a photo of Brett Favre’s penis I think…

Dr. Rex: (shuffling to another photo) and this one?

The Flying Pig: I think that is another photo of Brett Favre’s penis

Dr. Rex: And this one?

The Flying Pig: (annoyed) Another photo of Brett Favre’s penis

Dr. Rex: and this….

The Flying Pig: ITS BRETT FAVRE’S PENIS!!! They are all Brett Favre’s penis. You have a stack of photos of Brett Favre’s penis…just weird dude, just weird…

Nurse Ratchet: He is not even close to denying them. Put him back this instant Doctor. Its too soon!

Dr. Rex: Its just an innocent stroll Nurse. Come on…This one is different. He is a fan of the Dolphins. He’s broken already, merely held together by decades old history…

Nurse Ratchet: Don’t be long doctor!


The Flying Pig: Geez. What’s up her ass!

Dr. Rex: Colonpokey was once…and she has a gambling problem. She only bets on the Jets…hah hah…born loser

The Flying Pig: Colonpokey! That scoundrel! Where is that rodent?

Dr. Rex: Relax Piggy. Your husband…

The Flying Pig: He’s not my husband! We are not married! Why am I the wife? What is wrong with you people?

Dr. Rex: Settle down Piggy. Just Coples. Okay Piggy, Coples…Lets go this way to the Kyle Brady wing. Oops I think we just passed on Warren Sapp…heehee

The Flying Pig: It would help if you let me out of this straight jacket. My wings need to be free!

Dr. Rex: No Piggy, I can’t do that. You might just fly away

The Flying Pig: (crossing his fingers) Oh no Doctor. I would never do that.

Dr. Rex: No Piggy. I’m not one for rules but, I can’t let you out of the Revis. Here wait here, while I get a snack from the machine

The Flying Pig: I don’t want to wait here in this hall! Don’t leave me here Doctor!

Dr. Rex: Just Coples Piggy, Coples….

The Flying Pig: Why do you keep saying that “Coples” What does it mean?

Dr. Rex: Just do nothing 90% of the time. I’ll be right back Piggy…Coples…


The Flying Pig: Hey! A fellow Dolfan! Hey You…Why are you pounding your head against the wall?

Wally Headbutter: What do you mean why? I’m a Dolfan! 29 Years …29 long years.

The Flying Pig: What? 29 years? You can stop butting your head now. We drafted Ryan Tannehill!

Wally Headbutter: Even worse! We should have never drafted him! He’s a bust! He only played a year in College! He got Mike McCarthy fired once already. It was a huge reach to take him. He was a 3rd round prospect and our desperate need for a QB forced us to take him. We should have traded up and took RG3. We should have traded down and took someone else

The Flying Pig: No way! I love the pick. I know he’s a project. But we finally have a coaching staff I feel comfortable giving a project. What would you prefer, to be sitting hear muttering 30 years…we were ripe to draft a QB. They know this guy. They like this guy. He’s a great pick. Plus check out his wife:

The Flying Pig: Have some faith will you. What choice do you have?

Wally Headbutter: Well the Jets…

The Flying Pig: BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…sorry I didn’t mean to puke on your shoes. That’s a disgusting thought. How long have you been here?

Wally Headbutter: Since Saban…since Saban

The Flying Pig: Sorry…

Wally Headbutter: The names Wally

The Flying Pig: Hi Wally! I’m Piggy Bacon.

Wally Headbutter: Any relation to Kevin

The Flying Pig: I once met Harrison Ford who was in Getting Straight with Candice Bergen who was in Starting Over with Kevin Bacon!

Wally Headbutter: What?

The Flying Pig: Eh, nothing…

The Flying Pig: Anyway, look its going to be exciting. It’s a whole new era of Dolphin Football. They are going to spread the field and spread the ball around. They drafted a tight end who caught 90 passes in 2010. When have we had a weapon like that?

The Flying Pig: Then there is Lamar Miller. This guy has size and speed. Reminds me of LeSean McCoy. I bet he contributes right away!

Wally Headbutter: But no wide receivers

The Flying Pig: No. Not True. We got a couple late. Look, ultimately its going to be fun watching them build this thing. I’m excited and I have so much hope for the future

Wally Headbutter: I guess you are right Piggy. Maybe I have no reason to pound my head against the wall

The Flying Pig: No man, you are ugly. Keep pounding away

Wally Headbutter: I mean its not so bleak. And what an incredible history we have

The Flying Pig: Exactly. We are lucky to be Dolfans!

Nurse Ratchet: Cromartie #38! What are you doing? Get away from that pig!

The Flying Pig: Oh, great, here she comes…

Wally Headbutter: I didn’t do anything I was just talking about my hopes for 2012

Nurse Ratchet: Come with me this instant. This pig has caused enough damage. You are getting the Namath Therapy #38. You hear me the Namath Therapy!

Wally Headbutter: No! Not that! Anything but that! Please no. Nooooooooooooo


Dr. Rex: What are you doing Piggy! Stop talking about hope here!

The Flying Pig: What do you mean? You just mentioned the Super Bowl earlier.

Dr. Rex: That’s hype Piggy, not hope. We Jets talk about hype!

The Flying Pig: I’m no Jet

Dr. Rex: Not yet Piggy. But we have ways

The Flying Pig: What is the Namath Therapy anyway?

Dr. Rex: We dress the patient in pantyhose and a drunk Namath threatens to kiss him over and over again

The Flying Pig: That’s horrible!

Dr. Rex: We will turn you Piggy

The Flying Pig: Never! I have to get out this place. Colonpokey you scoundrel. I will never forgive you for this!

This entry was posted in The Porcine Oddyssey. Bookmark the permalink.