PIGGY IS STARING OUT THE WINDOW OF THE REHABILITATION CENTER. HE IS STILL IN THE STRAIGHT JACKET
Orderly: Cromartie #61
The Flying Pig: Who?
Orderly: You! Cromartie #61
The Flying Pig: Oh. I forgot. What do you want?
Orderly: You have a guest.
The Flying Pig: A guest? Who is it? Who can it be? Miss Piggy maybe? Two timing bitch…maybe she finally left that frog?
Orderly: Well, what good is it to sit here and guess? They are at the visitor area
The Flying Pig: Hey, can you take this Straight Jacket off me?
Orderly: The Revis Jacket? No it never comes off until the refs start calling a penalty
The Flying Pig: But that will never happen!
Orderly: Exactly (walking away)
PIGGY RUNS FROM THE WINDOW OUT OF THER ROOM AND INTO THE VISITOR AREA. IN THE ROOM, THERE IS ONE TABLE WITH TWO CHAIRS. BOTH CHAIRS APPEAR EMPTY. PIGGY SITS AT ONE.
The Flying Pig: No one is here.
Colonpokey: (pulling himself from the chair to the table) Its me Piggy! But no one can know its me. I’m in disguise.
The Flying Pig: Actually I didn’t see you until you pulled yourself on the table. Why are you in disguise?
Colonpokey: I didn’t want them to know It’s me. We don’t want them to see that your husband is visiting you here.
The Flying Pig: Husband! Why am I the wife! Wait a second,why are you even here? I hate you! You are the one who put me in here!
Colonpokey: (hanging his head) I know Piggy. I’ve been feeling a little guilty about that. But I’m here to get you out
The Flying Pig: Get me out. How?
Colonpokey: We are going to break you out
The Flying Pig: Break me out?
Colonpokey: Do you forgive me Piggy?
The Flying Pig: No!
Colonpokey: Oh come on. I brought you a gift.
COLONPOKEY PLACES A CUPCAKE ON THE TABLE
Colonpokey: (whispering) Look inside Piggy
The Flying Pig: My hands and wings are trapped inside this straight jacket. How am I supposed to look inside?
Colonpokey: Use your snout. Like a good Pig
The Flying Pig: That’s a stereotype I don’t agree with
Colonpokey: Piggy. Nobody will think its weird. Just stick your snout in it
The Flying Pig: Okay then.
PIGGY USES HIS SNOUT TO LOOK INSIDE THE CUPCAKE
Colonpokey: (giggling) how disgusting…
The Flying Pig: Shut up! I don’t see anything
Colonpokey: Dig deeper Piggy! Dig like a you haven’t seen Marc Sanchez’ butt for a month
The Flying Pig: What is this? A bobby pin! What am I supposed to do with this?
Colonpokey: It might take some time, but you can saw down the bars
The Flying Pig: You idiot! This won’t help me
Colonpkey: Sorry Piggy. I tried to bake a cupcake over a chainsaw – but it dried out the cupcake. This cupcake is delicious!
The Flying Pig: Who cares what it tastes like! Besides there are no bars here. Get me out of this straight jacket and I will just fly away. Hey Colonpokey, why don’t you just sign me out. They think you are my spouse
Colonpokey: My wife you mean
The Flying Pig: Yes…they think I am the wife…
Colonpokey: I can’t do that Piggy. It would be dishonest. We aren’t married
The Flying Pig: Colonpokey. You told them we were married when they put me in here
Colonpokey: I told them you were my wife you mean!
The Flying Pig: Yes…you told them I was the wife…
Colonpokey: That was a weak moment. I don’t want to do it again
The Flying Pig: If I get out of this Revis Jacket, I’m going to smash you
Colonpokey: Coples Piggy, Coples. I will come up with something.
COLONPOKEY WALKS OUT. AN ORDERLY OPENS THE DOOR FOR HIM
The Flying Pig: Colonpokey!
Colonpokey: I will be back (walking away)
PIGGY LEAVES THE VISITOR AREA AND WALKS INTO A HALL. HE IS VISIBLY LOST
The Flying Pig: Now where do I go? I just want to go back to the window so I can cry. I’m never getting out of this place. Hey what’s this? A file room? Maybe I can’t find out how to get out…
PIGGY SNEAKS INSIDE THE FILE ROOM
The Flying Pig: look at all these file cabinets. There are labels on each. Looks like each one is labeled with some shameful moment from Jests history . No wonder why, there are so many cabinets. Lets see, this one says loosing John Riggins to free agency before free agency exists, this one says the Kotite years, Pete Carroll’s choke sign (giggling), the 1983 draft, oh what is this one….worst moments in sportsmanship. Let me open this cabinet. Its stuck. Its must be so full that I can’t even open it.
PIGGY USES HIS SNOUT TO FORCE THE CABINET OPEN
The Flying Pig: Finally it opens. Hey what is this file? Its labeled “Sal Alosi”.. Hmmm, what is this . Here is an arrest record
The Flying Pig: What a scumbag. What else is there. Oh here is a story about the Nolan Carroll tripping. Looks like the Jests did their own internal investigation. They found that after talking to inactive players, they were instructed by Alosi to impede players on the sideline. Hmm. Its hard to believe he was acting alone whithout knowledge of anyone else int he organization. I mean it was their own sideline they were standing on – maybe Alosi was whispering to the inactive players…
The Flying Pig: This is bogus. I’m going to write the Commissioner a letter. They need to investigate this. Now, how do I hold a pen…I don’t want to put it in my snout. Let me try with my trotters.
PIGGY’S LETTER TO COMMSISIONER GOODELL
I don’t know why I have any faith in you since you have ruined everything I love about football and we both know your true loyalties lie with the Patriots. But I believe you have done the NFL a disservice by: 1. Allowing the NY Jests to exist; 2. Failing to properly investigate the Sal Alosi trip on Nolan Carroll in 2010 and punishing the Jests accordingly.
I know. I know. You presumably are investigating…And you are so concerned with player safety that you took 3 years to announce and take action against the Saints even though you knew during those 3 years that the bounty incentive program was active and player safety was very much at risk.
If you can pry yourself from turning the NFL into a video game, I am requesting that you promptly investigate the Sal Alosi incident and take action. The inactive players were lined up on the sideline in plain sight on the entire organization including Head Coach Rex Ryan, who certainly had the power to force them to step away. In fact, in defending the acts of Alosi Special Teams Coordinator Mike Westoff claimed that the strategy was employed by the Patriots – that sounds like a justification of it from an Assistant Coach. The Jests also had inactive players line up like this earlier in 2010 against the Bengals.
If you care at all about player safety, you will investigate the NY Jests Organization and prosecute them as vigorously as you have prosecuted the Saints.
P.S. My friend Mike E wants me to ask you if you can change the rules so that receivers can take numbers in the 60’s. That way Dolphins, draftee BJ Cunninlingus can be #69. Its only right.
The Flying Pig: Now I have to find a stamp an mail it.
PIGGY HEARS A VOICE FROM THE HALL
Voice from the Hall: Cromartie #61, where are you
The Flying Pig: Uh Oh. I can’t get caught in here
Voice from the Hall: He doesn’t respond to that name yet….Piggy, Piggy
PIGGY CAREFULLY SNEAKS OUT OF THE FILE ROOM AND WALKS BEHIND DR. REX
The Flying Piggy: Hello Dr. Rex. I always get lost in this place. Maybe if I wasn’t in this jacket…
Dr. Rex: Oh there you are Piggy. Where were you?
The Flying Pig: I got lost…Hey I have a question
Dr. Rex: I would love to rub your feet!
The Flying Pig: No, ummm, What ever happened to that guy Sal Alosi?
Dr. Rex: Alosi….Oh we keep him here
The Flying Pig: What?
Dr. Rex: Want to see him?
The Flying Pig: You really keep him here?
Dr. Rex: Sure we do. We keep him in the basement. (Yelling) Bring out the Gimp!
Dr. Rex: Here he is…look at that tripping technique….all foot! Amazing
The Flying Pig: Does it speak
The Alosi Monster: Alosi! Alosi!
Dr. Rex: That is all it knows how to say
The Alosi Monster: Alosi! Alosi!
The Flying Pig: What a moron. Hard to beleive he had such a big role in that tripping incident
Dr. Rex: Yes, he has the intillegence of a slug. But watch this. (to the Alosi Monster) Sweep the leg Johhny
THE ALOSI MONSTER SWEEPS PIGGY’S TROTTERS FROM UNDER HIM
The Flying Pig: (On the ground) Ouch. My trotters!
Dr. Rex: Here let me rub it. I know this technique…
The Flying Pig: No, no..I’m fine…I’m just going to go to the window now
The Alosi Monster: Alosi! Alosi!
The Flying Pig: Yeah, Alosi Alosi. (in the Alosi Monster’s ear) You are going down gimp.