PIGGY IS IN THE BACK OF A LONG ROOM. HE IS SOAKING WET. NURSE RATCHET IS IN FRONT OF HIM FACING HIM WITH A FIREHOSE.
Nurse Ratchet: If Cromartie #61 does not praise the Jets – Cromartie #61 gets the hose
The Flying Pig: No Please Nurse Ratchet
Nurse Ratchet: So say it then
The Flying Pig: I can’t….
Nurse Ratchet: Say it!
The Flying Pig: Okay….J-E-T-S…(straining)…
Nurse Ratchet: good #61, a little more
The Flying Pig: It hurts my brain
Nurse Ratchet: C’mon #61….
The Flying Pig: SUCK SUCK SUCK! (laughing)
Nurse Ratchet: NO! You little pig bastard!
NURSE RATCHET SPRAYS PIGGY FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES
The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!
Dr. Rex: Okay Nurse Ratchet. I think Piggy…err..#61 (winking at Piggy) has had enough.
Why don’t you leave us.
Nurse Ratchet: Fine! Its beginning to smell like wet pig in here anyway (walking away)
The Flying Pig: (under his breath) cunt!
Nurse Ratchet: What did you say?
The Flying Pig: Uh…Nothing…your hair looks nice today…
Nurse Ratchet: I thought so
NURSE RATCHET WALKS OUT
Dr. Rex: Here Piggy, take this towel
The Flying Pig: Thank you Doctor. You know you are not so bad all the ti…
Dr. Rex: Let me dry off your feet…
The Flying Pig: No, no I got it…What is with that psycho nurse?
Dr. Rex: Now Now Piggy, you are coming along a little too slowly
The Flying Pig: I’m not coming along at all. The Jets suck. There is no treatment for that
Dr. Rex: Piggy, that is crazy talk. Keep going that route and you will start questioning things like making Santonio Holmes Team Captain or signing Plaxico Burress…
The Flying Pig: Well….
Dr. Rex: I want you to be on your best behavior today. We have a new patient, um, fan coming in
The Flying Pig: Poor soul. Where is he?
Dr. Rex: Come on. I will take you to meet him.
The Flying Pig: Think you can take this jacket off me first?
Dr. Rex: (laughing) no Piggy.
DR. REX AND PIGGY WALK INTO A DIFFERENT ROOM IN THE COSLET WING OF THE FACILITY. THE ROOM HAS A DOZEN OR SO OTHER PATIENTS. PIGGY DOESN’T SEE ANY NEW FACES
The Flying Pig: Looks like the same group of droolers to me doctor…
Colonpokey: Down here!
The Flying Pig: Colonpokey! What are you doing here! I should smash you
Colonpokey: (whispering) I told you I would be back
Dr. Rex: Piggy aren’t you excited to be reunited with your husband
The Flying Pig: No! I mean He is not my husband for the 100th time.
Dr. Rex: But most wives would be excited to see…
The Flying Pig: WHY AM I THE WIFE! ARGHHHH
Colonpokey: (whispering) Piggy Look at me. I’m faking being crazy (speaking louder) The Jets are Super Bowl bound! Best team in the league…I like to chop up caterpillars at lunch!
Dr. Rex: Whoah! Look at your husband…what a great example
The Flying Pig: (interrupting) not my husband!
Dr. Rex: I think the fact that both of you are crazy proves that crazy is genetic!
The Flying Pig: What? Generally, spouses don’t come from the same gene pool. We aren’t even the same species!
Dr. Rex: Oh…science this, science that…the Jests are contenders…don’t get bogged down with the truth of things I say Piggy. I will leave you two alone.
DR. REX LEAVES THE ROOM
Colonpokey: Isn’t it great Piggy! We are here together now
The Flying Pig: No! What are you doing here? How did you get here?
Colonpokey: it was easy Piggy. I just forged your name and committed myself?
The Flying Pig: What? How?
Colonpokey: It was easy Piggy. I’ve been forging your signature for years on all those checks…
The Flying Pig: No I meant how did they let a committed person commit another person…
Colonpokey: Um. Piggy it’s the Jets. They don’t think things through.
The Flying Pig: Did you say something about checks?
Colonpokey: (changing the subject) Aren’t you glad to see me!
The Flying Pig: No! I want to get out of here!
Colonpokey: So you can see me! Now you don’t have to. I am here with you!
The Flying Pig: (hanging his head) moron…
DR. REX AND NURSE RATCHET ENTER THE ROOM
Dr. Rex: All right Cromarties. I have a special surprise for everyone today. Today Marc Sanchez is here signing autographs.
Cromartie #14: The great Marc Sanchez is here!
Cromartie #52: He is one of the NFL’s best QBs!
Cromartie #27: I can’t wait to see the greatest QB in the NFL!
Cromartie #33: I eat glass!
Colonpokey: I got to see him! The one that got away…the love of my life…
Dr. Rex: Everyone that wants to meet Sanchez go to the hall of misplaced expectations.
He is waiting there for you.
Colonpokey: Come on Piggy. Lets go!
The Flying Pig: (laughing at Colonpokey) Think he will be within spitting distance?
Colonpokey: Come on Piggy. Its Marc Sanchez!
The Flying Piggy: I know who it is. No thanks!
THE ROOM CLEARS OUT. EVERYONE EXCEPT PIGGY, DR. REX AND NURSE RATCHET REMAIN IN THE ROOM
Nurse Ratchet: And why are you still here?
The Flying Pig: I call it good taste
Dr. Rex: Piggy…er…#61. Its Marc Sanchez! The elite QB
The Flying Pig: (laughing) okay okay you guys have to stop now. My stomach is starting to hurt
Nurse Ratchet: He is just not turning Dr. Rex.
Dr. Rex: I know…
Nurse Ratchet: Lets take him to the video room. We must begin the “Clockwork Puke Green” process
Dr. Rex: It might be fatal
Nurse Ratchet: We must be relentless
Dr. Rex. Okay. Take him to the video room. I’m sorry Piggy…
MEANWHILE, IN THE HALL OF MISPLACED EXPECTATIONS SANCHEZ IS SITTING AT A TABLE SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS. THERE IS A LINE OF 40 DROOLING CROMARTIES, COLONPOKEY IS LAST IN LINE
Sanchez: My hands are getting tired. I have to stop soon. I don’t want to ruin my manicure.
Colonpokey: (from the back of the line) Oh no. I don’t want to miss my chance. I have to cut some of these guys. Hey (to the Cromarties in front of him) if you turn around for a second, you will see the Jets in the Super Bowl.
Cromartie #19: Super (drooling) Bowl?
10 CROMARTIES TURN AROUND AND COLONPOKEY CUTS ALL 10 OF THEM
Colonpokey: These fans are so gullible. They will believe anything if you promise a Super Bowl. (to the Cromarties in front of him) hey look the Lombardi trophy on Dr. Rex’s shoulders behind us.
Cromartie #26: Shiny Trophy pretty
10 MORE CROMARTIES TURN AROUND AND COLONPOKEY CUTS ALL 10 OF THEM
Colonpokey: its working! Everyone! Dr. Rex needs some one to poor Gatrorade on him. Quickly, we are going to win the Super Bowl. Got get some Gatorade and give it to Dr. Rex.
Cromartie #46: Gatorade good lubricant…
THE 20 CROMARTIES IN FRONT OF COLONPOKEY LEAVE THE ROOM TO GET GATORADE
Colonpokey: That’s me! Hello my love…
Sanchez: Hey little guy. What’s your name?
Colonpokey: What’s my name? Stop joking. Its me, Colonpokey!
Sanchez: Okay Collin. What would you like me to sign?
Colonpokey: Collin! Colonpokey I said! Don’t you remember me. I spent a year in your butt
Sanchez: (laughing) Oh Come on…you don’t realistically expect me to remember every rodent that was in my butt…What do you want me to sign Collin?
Colonpokey: But…but…(crying) I left Richard Gere for you…
Sanchez: Okay. I will sign this napkin. (writing) To my good FRIEND Collin. Who I don’t remember at all and is not special to me in any way and is not to be confused with Phil Collins who used to appear occasionally on Miami Vice. This hamster was never on Miami Vice. (Sanchez stops writing). Hey do you think I should write loser in parenthesis. Eh, forget it …here you go. See you later Collin! Next
Colonpokey: How could you! After we all we shared. I made you this. Maybe it will help you remember. You broke my heart Sanhez!. Your broke my little hamster heart…(sniffle sniffle)
COLONPOKEY PLACES A PHOTO ALBUM ON THE TABLE AND LEAVES THE ROOM CRYING (WARNING: IF YOU ARE AT WORK TURN DOWN OR OFF SOUND BEFORE PLAYING CLIP BELOW)
MEANWHILE IN THE VIDEOROOM PIGGY IS STRAPPED IN A CHAIR WHICH IS IN FRONT OF A GIANT MOVIE SCREEN. HIS EYES ARE FORCED OPEN WITH TAPE AND PINS. NURSE RATCHET IS PUTTING EYE DROPS IN HIS EYES.
The Flying Pig: No Please. I can’t take it anymore
Nurse Ratchet: Watch this video of the Jets greatest moments.
Nurse Ratchet: This is what a great Jets fan is
The Flying Pig: No! Make it stop. I can’t watch anymore of these idiots
Nurse Ratchet: There is more. Look at this one
Nurse Ratchet: And look at the passion with this fan!
The Flying Pig: You Bitch! Let me go!
Nurse Ratchet: Do you see Cromartie! Do you see what the NY Jets are!
The Flying Pig: My eyes are burning!
Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: Nurse Ratchet made Andy Dufresne…ooops…I mean Piggy, watch videos of that pathetic franchise for hours. But Piggy would not break. He cost me four packs of cigarettes that day…fucking pig…