PIGGY WAKES UP ON THE HOOD OF THE DELOREAN. HE STUBLES OFF THE HOOD AND BUMPS INTO A TREE AND THEN ANOTHER TREE. COLONPOKEY AND THE PSYCHIC GPS ARE WATCHING HIM FROM INSIDE THE DELOREAN.
Colonpokey: GPS GPS! Look Piggy is awake. What’s wrong with him?
Psychic GPS: Its like he can’t see where he is going…

Colonpokey: Do you think he is still crazy?

Psychic GPS: Hmmm, I don’t know. He seems more docile. (Stepping out of the car) Piggy? Feeling better?

The Flying Pig: I can’t see anything!

Colonpokey: Why not?

The Flying Pig: I don’t know, everything is dark…

Psychic GPS: Hmmm, he must be blind from the rabies…

The Flying Pig: I’m blind now?

Colonpokey: Ironic. Psychic GPS sees the future, you see nothing…

The Flying Pig: What am I going to do? I’m blind and I can’t fly! They are going to find me and turn me into pork chops

Psychic GPS: Calm down Piggy. We will get you to a vet…er…I mean, hosptial

The Flying Pig: VET! What do you take me for? Take me to a hospital!

Psychic GPS: Of course…I meant a hospital. I detect one in the area, just inside the Buffalo City limits.

Colonpokey: We are going back to that shithole?

Psychic GPS: Just to have the vet…er I mean hospital, check Piggy out.

Colonpokey: Okay, so how do we get there??? Piggy can’t drive, he is blind. You have no hands and I can’t reach the pedals

Psychic GPS: Piggy will drive. And I will guide him

Colonpokey: Because you are Pychic and can predict what will occur! I can’t wait to see you in action. Let me know when you want me to shake you

The Flying Pig: (under his breath) stupid hamster. (louder) Let’s go

PIGGY, COLONPOKEY AND THE PSYCHIC GPS ARE IN A WAITING ROOM. THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY SICK DOGS, CATS, BIRDS AND FISH.

The Flying Pig: So you are saying this is not a vet?

Psychic GPS: (defensively) No Piggy, its a hospital. You are a pig after all…

The Flying Pig: So tell me why I feel a poodle humping my trotter!

Psychic GPS: Oops! Go away dog! Get out of here!

Colonpokey: Hey, not so fast

THE POODLE STOPS HUMPING PIGGY’S TROTTER AND WALKS AWAYS. COLONPOKEY PERSISTENTLY FOLLOWS THE POODLE OUT OF THE ROOM TRYING TO GET ITS ATTENTION.

Psychic GPS: I’m sorry Piggy. They won’t let pigs in the hospital. I had no choice.

The Flying Pig: Buffalo is really an uncivilized shithole!

Psychic GPS: Yes (sarcastically) truly barbaric!

Receptionist: Mr. Bacon? The doctor (laughing) is ready for you

The Flying Pig: Very funny. I can hear you laughing. I’m blind not deaf.

Receptionist: Right through the door Mr. Bacon.

THE PSYCHIC GPS GUIDES PIGGY THROUGH THE DOOR. BUT THERE IS NO DOCTOR OR VETERINARIAN IN THE ROOM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.

Tina Raccoon: Hello Raggedy Pig

Psychic GPS: Electronic Scream!

Tina Raccoon: (laughing maniacally) Raggedy Pig, your device seems scared…

The Flying Pig: What? What is it? Who is there?

Psychic GPS: It’s the raccoon that bit you!

TINA RACCOON IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. SHE IS FLANKED BY TWO DEERS WITH MOHAWKS ON EACH SIDE OF HER.

The Flying Pig: What? She talks?

Tina Raccoon: You will find me quite articulate, Raggedy Pig, when you are not feeding me nuts…(laughing)

Psychic GPS: You scoundrel. You gave him rabies and made him blind!

Tina Raccoon: (maniacal laugh) bridge under the water

Psychic GPS: there’s a flood?

Messenger Squirrel: (whispering to Tina Raccoon) Its water under the bridge your highness…(to Piggy) Piggy, our Queen has a proposal for you

Tina Raccoon: Show him squirrel

THE SQUIRREL GUIDES PIGGY TO THE WINDOW AND POINTS TO THE DELORIAN IN THE PARKING LOT.

Messenger Squirrel: Do you see the two men by your Delorian that is taking up two parking spots Piggy?

The Flying Pig: …somebody remind the rat with the fuzzy tail that I’m blind…

Psychic GPS: Piggy, it looks like The Berman Gigolo by your car. This is odd, he is on the Alosi Monster’s shoulders. They seem to be checking out how poorly you parked the delorian

The Flying Pig: I’m blind!

Tina Raccoon: That man, or two men, is my nemesis. They call him…or them MasterBlister. Ever since he…or they came to Buffalo he…or they have taken all my power away. He…or they run the town now.

The Flying Pig: So what, this town sucks. What’s it take to run the town – the threat of flushing the toilet…

Tina Raccoon: (yelling) This is my sewer town Raggedy Pig! Mine!

Messenger Squirrel: We need to get rid of MasterBlister Piggy. That is where you come in

The Flying Pig: Me? I’m just a blind pig

Psychic GPS: Who is too overweight to use his wings

The Flying Pig: Exactly! No wait…(eh-hem) I mean my wings are a little out of practice

Tina Raccoon: I can do something about that Piggy.

The Flying Pig: You can restore my sight and help me lose some wei.…eh…I mean fly?

Tina Raccoon: …sure…

Messenger Squirrel: Pick a fight with MisterBlister. We will do the rest…

The Flying Pig: And if I don’t?

Tina Raccoon: (maniacal laugh) Then you may never see again. And you can live out your remaining days in this sewer…with your enhanced sense of smell…

Psychic GPS: Sounds like you have no choice Piggy

Colonpokey: (walking in the room with a cigarette in his mouth) Woohoo! That poodle is wild! What did I miss?

Psychic GPS: ….gross….

COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS GUIDE PIGGY INTO THE PARKING LOT TO CONFRONT MASTERBLISTER A/K/A THE BERMAN GIGOLO ON THE ALOSI MONSTER’S SHOULDERS.

Psychic GPS: Piggy, you can’t trust these people

The Flying Pig: Relax. I know what I am doing…(to MasterBlister) Hey! That is my car!

MasterBlister: Not your car. My car!

The Flying Pig: No its my car…

MasterBlister: Not your car. My car!

The Flying Pig: C’mon man. I even have the keys

MasterBlister: My car. Not yours! You park badly. You take two spots. My car!

The Flying Pig: So…is that like a parking ticket or something…seems a little extreme to confiscate the car…

MasterBlister: Who run Sewertown?

The Flying Pig: Um…I don’t know an elected official…probably a mayor?

MasterBlister: Wrong! (MasterBlister sweeps and takes Piggy’s trotters out from under him)

The Flying Pig: SNOOOORRRRRRTTT! C’mon I’m blind!

MasterBlister: Who run Sewertown?

The Flying Pig: Oh….I get it…MasterBlaster…MasterBlaster run Sewertown

MasterBlister: Wrong! (sweeps and takes Piggy’s trotters out from under him)

The Flying Pig: SQUUUEEEEAAAAALLL!

Psychic GPS: Piggy, this is Master-BLISter…with an “I”

The Flying Pig: Oh right. MasterBlister I mean. MasterBlister run Sewertown. Who cares, Its still my car…

Tina Raccoon: MasterBlister, you know the rules of Sewertown. If you dispute a car, you must…you must…you must…um, what rhymes with car?

Squirrel Messenger: Are you kidding me. It’s three letters. Almost anything?

Tina Raccoon: Eh-hem If you dispute a car, you must fight in lar!

The Flying Pig: What?

Squirrel Messenger: …seriously…”lar”?

Tina Raccoon: Oh fuck it! Let’s just go to Thunderdome

PIGGY, PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY ENTER A DOME MADE OUT OF A WIRE FENCE. THERE IS A CROWN OF PEOPLE WATCHING THEM CHANTING SOMETHING.

Colonpokey: What are these people saying?

Psychic GPS: Sounds like two men something. I can’t make out the rest

The Crowd: Two men enter. One man leave. Two men enter One man leave. Two men enter. One man leave.

The Flying Pig: Wait a second…(talking to the crowd) People. Listen up. Accuracy matters. I’m a pig in case you didn’t notice

The Crowd: (grumbling) A man and a pig enter. One man leave. A man and a pig enter. One man leave.

The Flying Pig: What? Making predictions are you? You are just going to give him the win? Well then there is not much to watch is there?

The Crowd: A man and a pig enter. We don’t which one will leave. A man and a pig enter. We don’t which one will leave.

Colonpokey: What about me? Don’t foget me. If you do, you will face my butt wrath!

The Crowd: A man, a pig and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave. A man, a pig and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave.

Psychic GPS: Electronic eh-hem…Accuracy people…

The Crowd: A man, a pig, an electronic device and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave. A man, a pig, an electronic device and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave

Psychic GPS: Better. But where is the man?

The Crowd: (grumbling) A pig, an electronic device and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave. A pig, an electronic device and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave

MasterBlister: I’m here now!

The Crowd: (sigh) A man, a pig, an electronic device and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave. A man, a pig, an electronic device and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave

MasterBlister: Technically, there are two of us you know…

The Crowd: Two men, a pig, an electronic device and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave. Two men, a pig, an electronic device and a hamster enter. We don’t which one will leave

Tina Raccoon: Enough! Get on with it! Chicken Fight!

COLONPOKEY GETS ON PIGGY’S SHOULDERS AND PSYCHIC GPS GUIDES THEM TO A KIDDIE POOL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARENA. MASTERBLISTER MEETS THEM THERE. THEY LOCK ARMS/TROTTERS/CLAWS/WHATEVER.

The Flying Pig: What is going on? I can’t see anything?

Psychic GPS: We are losing!

Colonpokey: Its no use. They are too strong for me.

Psychic GPS: Piggy, walk towards the wire walls! There appears to be weapons on the walls for us to use. It looks like they are notable moments in Buffalo Bills history.

PIGGY BACKTRACKS WITH THE GUIDANCE OF GPS AND COLONPOKEY REACHES FOR A FOOTBALL ON THE WALL.

The Flying Pig: What did you get Colonpokey?

Colonpokey: It’s a football. It says Super Bowl XXV on it. Here Piggy launch it towards them now.

COLONPOKEY DROPS THE FOOTBALL AND PIGGY KICKS HIS TROTTER OUT AT THE RIGHT MOMENT TO MAKE CONTACT. THE BALL SAILS TOWARDS MASTERBLISTER. COLONPOKEY, PSYCHIC GPS AND PIGGY HOLD HANDS IN ANTIPICATION.

Psychic GPS: its heading closer, closer, closer….ooooh…wide right.

Colonpokey: Look out, MasterBlister is going for a weapon now. He has something…

The Flying Pig: What is it. What did he grab?

Colonpokey: it looks like the Music City Miracle…

The Flying Pig: What? How can he grab that. It’s an event. Its not even a tangible thing!

Psychic GPS: Stay in front Piggy, he cannot lateral it forward.

SMACK

The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEAAAAALLL!

Psychic GPS: Oops! And it counts. My mistake, I guess forward laterals are okay in this case. Colonpokey, reach up and grab that helmet.

Colonpokey: I’m trying, but my wing span is half an inch…I got it. it says Thurman Thomas’ lost helmet on it.

COLONPOKEY SWINGS THE HELMET AT MASTERBLISTER AND STRIKES HIM IN THE HELMET. MASTERBLISTER FALLS CLUTHCING HIS LEFT BIG TOE. THE ALOSI MONSTER AND THE BERMAN GIGOLO SEPARATE. THURMAN THOMAS’ LOST HELMETFALLS ON THE GROUND NEAR PIGGY.

Psychic GPS: You got him!

Colonpokey: All right! What is wrong with him?.

The Alosi Monster: (crying) Alosi! (removing a shoe and exposing an enormous blister)

Berman Gigolo: (clutching the Alosi Monster’s head) oh please don’t hurt him…look at him…he’s just a moron

Colonpokey: Look at the size of that blister! Poor moron. I feel sort of bad for him.

Psychic GPS: It must have developed from all the tripping. Poor moron

The Flying Pig: (grabbing the helmet) You guys are pussies. No mercy!

PIGGY THROWS THE HELMET AT THE ALOSI MONSTER’S HEAD BUT IT LANDS ABOUT 10 FEET AWAY.

The Flying Pig: Did I squash his head?

Psychic GPS: You have a horrible arm Piggy.

Tina Raccoon: You were supposed to kill him Piggy. Why did you throw away the helmet?

The Flying Pig: No wait, I was trying to smash his head. I’m blind…remember?

Tina Raccoon: You broke our deal. If you break a deal, you get the wheel. Did everyone hear that? I rhymed!

Messenger Squirrel: Excellent display of above-average intelligence your highness. (yelling to the deer) Bring out the wheel!

A WHEEL IS PLACED IN THE CENTER OF ARENA. IT IS SEGEMENTED INTO ABOUT A DOZEN PARTS WITH WORDS/FATES WRITTEN ON EACH SEGMENT. TINA RACCOON SPINS THE WHEEL.

The Flying Pig: What is going on? What does it say?

Colonpokey: I’m trying read it…”C” eh, one has a letter “W” in it. Its going so fast

Psychic GPS: (sigh) One says Death. That one should be avoided. Another one says “life imprisonment”…improvement I guess. Another says “amputation”. Another says “castration”…

The Flying Pig: Oh, hell no!

Psychic GPS: Oh, there is a good one. Its says “dinner”. I’m kind of hungry

Colonpokey: Me too! Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner!

THE WHEEL SLOWS DOWN ON CASTRATION. THE POINTER IS HANGING ONTO CASTRATION BUT IS ALMOST PUSHING ON TO DINNER.

Colonpokey: I will blow on it to push it onto dinner

Psychic GPS: you are blowing the wrong way Colonpokey!

The Flying Pig: You stupid rodent! (clutching his groin)

Colonpokey: Oops, My bad. Its all in the lungs!

COLONPOKEY LETS OUT ONE FINAL BRUSH OF WIND FROM HIS LUNGS AND THE POINTER FALLS ON DINNER.

Tina Raccoon: Dinner it is!

The Flying Pig, Colonpokey and Psychic GPS: All right!

Messenger Squirrel: You don’t seem to understand…we are not serving you dinner…you are the dinner.

Tina Raccoon: (Yelling at the deer) Bring out Chef OJ!

Chef OJ: (holding a chef knife) Who wants bacon covered wings?

Colonpokey: Run!

The Flying Pig: Which way?

Psychic GPS: Run 10 feet to your right!

COLONPOKEY, PSYCHIC GPS AND PIGGY RUN AWAY WITH CHEF OJ CHASING THEM.

Colonpokey: Fly Piggy. use your wings!

The Flying Pig: Good idea!

PIGGY FLAPS HIS WINGS AND LEAPS UP, HANGS FOR A SECOND, THEN FALLS DOWN TO THE GROUND.

The Flying Pig: Damnit!

Colonpokey: Heehee. I just wanted to see you try fatty!

Psychic GPS: Turn left.

SLAM

The Flying Pig: What the fuck? I just ran into a wall!

Psychic GPS: Sorry…screen froze up…turn left in 15 feet I meant

THE FLYING PIG, COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS FINALLY MAKE IT BACK TO THE DELORIAN. THEY GET IN AND DRIVE AWAY FROM CHEF OJ, TINA RACCOON AND BUFFALO/SEWERTOWN…THEY DRIVE TOWARDS FOXBORO.