PIGGY, COLONPOKEY AND THE PSYCHIC GPS ARE ALL IN THE DELORIAN WHICH IS COVERED IN SMOKE. THE DOORS OPEN UP.
The Flying Pig: Where are we? And what is that smell?
Colonpokey: I have no idea. Let’s ask our psychic friend? (shaking the Psychic GPS) Psychic GPS, tell us where we are? Share what you know with us.
The Flying Pig: He’s not psychic!
Psychic GPS: Stop shaking me…We are in Buffalo, outside of Ralph Wilson Stadium
Colonpokey: See! It knows Piggy!
The Flying Pig: RAAAAAALPHHHH…It smells like a sewer
Colonpokey: Heehee. It smells like ass. And I should know. RAAAAALLPHHH!
Psychic GPS: Electronic RAAAALPHHHH
The Flying Pig: What’s with all the mullets? Look at these poor souls. Bills fans are pathetic!
Colonpokey: Why is everyone rushing to the payphones?
The Flying Pig: Payphones???
PIGGY, THE PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY STEP OUT OF THE CAR.
The Flying Pig: Excuse me, Mr. Bills fan. Why is everyone so excited around here?
Bills Ugly#1: Didn’t you see the game man! We just had an incredible comeback. Um…Did you just speak to me Pig?
The Flying Pig: Yes. (proudly) I fly too.
Colonpokey: But not right now. (whispering) He is too fat. Don’t say anything. He is sensitive
Bills Ugly#1: A talking, fat, flying pig! I have to tell my parole officer I saw this
The Flying Pig: Fat?
THE BILLS FANS REACHES INTO A LARGE DUFFLE BAG AND PULLS OUT AN ENORMOUS PHONE.
Colonpokey: What is that?
Bills Ugly #1: (breathing heavy) It’s the latest thing. Its my cell phone. Isn’t it amazing. Its heavy to carry, but worth it. I don’t have to wait in line for a pay phone. Hey what is that thing you have?
The Flying Pig: This? The GPS?
Bills Ugly#1: What? Like a calculator? Why do you carry a calculator with you…nerd (laughing)…Hmmph…so heavy…must work up the energy to dial number on this heavy phone…hmmph
Psychic GPS: Piggy, Colonpokey, I sense something unusual
The Flying Pig: Me too
Colonpokey: Piggy, you are Psychic too?
The Flying Pig: No Colonpokey, neither of us…eh forget it. Hey Mr. Bills fans, who were the Bills playing?
Bills Ugly#1: Are you kidding me? We just came back against the Houston Oilers! What a game!
Colonpokey: Oilers? The Texans play in Houston
Bills Ugly#1: What a stupid little hamster (walking away dragging the heavy phone behind him)
The Flying Pig: Oh No. It must be 1993. That year the Bills had an incredible comeback against the Houston Oilers in the wildcard round. The Dolphins had a BYE that year, they beat the Chargers in the divisional round, I went to that game, it was awesome, 31-0.
Psychic GPS: The Bills beat the Steelers in the divisional round. Then the Bills and Dolphins met in Miami in the AFC playoffs. The Dolphins lost that game.
The Flying Pig: I was certain Miami would win. I was crushed! Imiss those 1990s teams. Bryan Cox pissing off the Bills fans was priceless
Colonpokey: 1993! That is so long ago!
The Flying Pig: Its really not so long ago Colonpokey
Psychic GPS: It probably feels like a long time ago to a hamster. The average hamster only lives 4 years.
Colonpokey: Thanks for reminding me (sniffle sniffle) But we hamsters live hard and we live fast. How long is the lifespan of a GPS?
Psychic GPS: Until BestBuy promotes another device (electronic sniffle)
The Flying Pig: Okay guys pull it together. We need to get back to 2012 when the Bills don’t ruin every Super Bowl for 4 straight years. I’m going to let these guys know we are from the future. I will show them my IPhone as proof.
The Great Kelso: (A voice from behind Piggy) No Piggy, you
The Flying Pig: What, who are you?
The Great Kelso: I am the Great Kelso. I get knowledge from my giant helmet that few humans can understand. And I avoid concussions too! If you tell these humble sewer dwellers that you are from the future, you will cause a rift in the space time continuum that cannot be repaired.
The Flying Pig: So what?
Colonpokey: Yeah! We rifted many continuums before!
Psychic GPS: We have never done that Colonpokey. No one has
Colonpokey: They should. Let me rift the continuum. I’m ready to rift it! (gritting his teeth)
The Flying Pig: Colonpokey shut up. You don’t even know what that is…
The Great Kelso: If you cause a rift in the space time continuum, the universe might cease to exist!
Colonpokey: Oops. My bad…
The Great Kelso: Do not tell these lowly sewer dwellers about the future. They won’t be able to handle loosing 4 super bowls in a row!
The Flying Pig: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Psychic GPS: electronic laugh
The Great Kelso: Their bodies will explode and then this sewer will be covered in the remains of blue and red Zubaz
Colonpokey: Okay. So how do we get back! Psychic GPS. (shaking Psychic GPS) Guide us back
Psychic GPS: Stop Shaking me!…ehhh…turn left…
The Flying Pig: Stop shaking him!
Psychic GPS: I know it has something to do with 1.21 jiggawatts
The Flying Pig: Yeah!. We need to drive under a bolt of lightning to generate the power to get back to the future.
The Great Kelso: (laughing) this is 1993 not 1955. Just get in your car and hit 88 miles per hour. (laughing louder) You guys are idiots…
The Flying Pig: Lets go. This place stinks
The Great Kelso: It still smells in Buffalo in the future you know. It’s a sewer you know.
PIGGY, COLONPOKEY AND THE PSYCHIC GPS GET BACK IN THE DELOREAN AND DRIVE IT DOWN THE STREET UNTIL THERE IS A FLASH AN THEY ARE BACK IN 2012.
Psychic GPS: Buffalo appears to have always been a shitty town
The Flying Pig: I agree. It was a mistake to come here. Let’s get out of this sewer and go to Foxboro.
Colonpokey: Can you pull over Piggy? I have to pee.
The Flying Pig: No. We need to get out of Buffalo now. I can’t take the smell of this place
Psychic GPS: I have to pee too
The Flying Pig: Huh? You are a GPS?
Psychic GPS: And you are a flying pig
The Flying Pig: Okay. I guess we can all use a bathroom break. But not here, not in Buffalo. Our urine is too good for Buffalo. Lets drive a few miles out of town.
THE DELOREAN TRAVELS ABOUT 15 MILES OUT OF TOWN AND PULLS OVER IN A HEAVILY WOODED AREA. PIGGY, COLONPOKEY AND THE PSYCHIC GPS GET OUT TO USE THE BATHROOM ABOUT 10 FEET INTO THE WOODED AREA.
Colonpokey: Gotta Go! Gotta Go! Can’t find a spot.
The Flying Pig: Hey, what is that?
Psychic GPS: It appears to be a wild raccoon.
The Flying Pig: Awwww. Look how cute it is. Here little guy. Come to Piggy…
Colonpokey: It doesn’t understand Piggy. Heehee. Its just a raccoon.
Psychic GPS: (electronically under his breath) Said the hamster to the pig
The Flying Pig: Here little guy. Have this nut (reaching out his hand)
Psychic GPS: Piggy, I’m not sure that is safe
Colonpokey: He might rape you!
Psychic GPS: Um… I don’t know of any documented cases of Raccoon rapes. But he might bite you.
The Flying Pig: Oh C’mon GPS, stop being so uptight. This little cute guy. He’s so sweet. Look at that smile. And clean too. look, he just brushed his teeth – look at the toothpaste foam.
Psychic GPS: Piggy that is not tooth….
THE RACCOON BITES PIGGY AND RUNS AWAY.
The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL
Colonpokey: Piggy. Are you okay?
Psychic GPS: He bit you.
Colonpokey: He must have been eying your fat trotters
The Flying Pig: I’m not fat! My wings are a little out of shape
Colonpokey: I’m just saying…
The Flying Pig: Just shut up. Lets get back to the car
Psychic GPS: Maybe you should get checked out?
The Flying Pig: No, I’m fine.
Colonpokey: Are you sure? You don’t look so pink anymore…
Psychic GPS: And you are staggering a bit
The Flying Pig: No, no, fine I am. Whoozy a bit, but okay Mrs. Butterworth
Psychic GPS: Mrs. Butterworth???
The Flying Pig: Mrs. Butterworth (staggering more and more) You are the best. I like to take you on the pancakes
Colonpokey: I think he has a thing for syrup…heehee
Psychic GPS: Piggy, snap out of it. Its me Psychic GPS and Colonpokey, the hamster you hate…
The Flying Pig: I love you Mrs. Butterworth
Colonpokey: Hey look. There is toothpaste around his mouth now. Between peeing and getting bitten, I didn’t think he had time to brush his teeth…
Psychic GPS: That is not toothpaste Colonpokey…
The Flying Pig: I love you Mrs. Butterworth. And I love….TO EAT YOUR FACE
PIGGY LUNGES TOWARDS COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS.
Psychic GPS: ELCTRONIC SCREEEEEAAAAAMMM. Run to the car!
PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY RUN TOWARDS THE CAR AND GET INSIDE THE CAR SHUTTING THE DOOR AND LOCKING THE DOORS.
Colonpokey: Where did he go (shaking the GPS) Use your psychic powers GPS. Tell me where he went
Psychic GPS: Stop shaking me you stupid rodent. I don’t work that way. I can’t tell you where people are…or pigs
Colonpokey: Where is he………………
IT IS SILENT FOR A MINUTE AS COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS PEEK OUT THE WINDOWS OF THE DELOREAN.
PIGGY JUMPS ON THE HOOD OF THE CAR, GROWLING AT PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY THROUGH THE WINDOW.
The Flying Rabid Pig: GROWL! SNORT!
Psychic GPS: ELCTRONIC SCREEEEEAAAAAMMM
Colonpokey: Piggy. Its me Colonpokey
The Flying Rabid Pig: (Louder) GROWL! SNORT!
Psychic GPS: I think you made him angrier…
The Flying Rabid Pig: GROWL! I want to eat your face! And I want to your eat your screen too GPS! SNORT! (biting at the window)
Colonpokey: Psychic GPS, what happened to him? Why is he acting like this?
Psychic GPS: I think that raccoon gave him something
Colonpokey: I told you he was going to rape him! Here let me get the extra shot of penicillin I keep, just in case, stuff like this happens to be all the time…
Psychic GPS: No, you little pervert! He bit him and gave him rabies. See the foam around his mouth.
Colonpokey: I did notice that his breath was not so minty?
The Flying Rabid Pig: GROWL! EAT FACE! SNORT!
Colonpokey: What should we do?
The Flying Rabid Pig: GROWL! SNORT!
Psychic GPS: We are safe in the car I guess. Maybe he will lose interest
The Flying Rabid Pig: GROWL! SNORT!
Colonpokey: …..Psychic GPS….um…..
Psychic GPS: …Yes….
Colonpokey: ….um….I still have to pee
Psychic GPS: (sigh)
Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: Piggy stood on the hood of the car, growling at the Psychic GPS and Colonpokey who eventually fell asleep holding on to each other in fear. Eventually Piggy wore himself out and fell asleep on the hood of the car…fat ass lazy pig…