PORKLOGUE: I’m back! Some of you may have begun to believe that this Piggy laid down like a common breakfast side, or that I learned to fly and left our beloved Dolphins. Well, not me! I’m here to stay, just like the rest of you Dolfans. Ready to watch Joe Philbin and the new Dolphin staff lay the foundation. I am not deterred by the ignorant national media. I am not discouraged by the pessimistic local media. I am not disheartened by the meaningless Power Rankings and 2012 predictions. And you should not be either! We are 0-0 today. Anything can happen! Never let ‘em tell you that Piggies don’t fly – they do! OINK BITCHES!
PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY ARE LEAVING AN AIRPORT. PIGGY IS NOT WITH THEM. PSYCHIC GPS IS CARRYING SEVERAL BAGS OF LUGGAGE. HE IS STRUGGLING TO KEEP UP WITH COLONPOKEY
Colonpokey: Come on GPS hurry. We don’t want to be late for the first game
Psychic GPS: I’m trying….but it’s hard to carry all this luggage…all you luggage I mean
Colonpokey: Don’t be such a wimp GPS. I have faith in you
Psychic GPS: Hey maybe you can carry your own luggage…or at least one or two of the bags
Colonpokey: Heehee. You have such a great sense of humor GPS. Now come on. Stop wasting your energy telling jokes
Psychic GPS: No really, why can’t you carry your own stuff
Colonpokey: GPS, do you want me to look all disheveled at the game? I have an obligation to look good while we are in Houston. I am like a diplomat here
Psychic GPS: …yeah right, I can’t wait until Piggy gets here
Colonpokey: Where is he? He should be here by now. I don’t understand why he insisted on flying himself here…
THE HOUSTON STEER STEPS IN FRONT OF COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS, BLOCKING THEIR EXIT
Houston Steer: You shall not pass! Go back to Miami
Colonpokey: Who are you?
Houston Steer: I am the Houston Steer. Once upon a time, before my franchise ever made the playoffs, ehh last year (cough cough) I let everyone in, but now, we are going to the Super Bowl, and you Sea Mammal lovers cannot stand in our way.
Colonpokey: Oh good. I thought you were customs. I don’t want to get arrested again…
Psychic GPS: (to the Steer) What do you mean? We can’t stay. We came here to see the game
Houston Steer: You shall not pass! Go back to Miami
Colonpokey: You are asking us to leave (picking up a cell phone) I’m gonna call my Grandma
Colonpokey: (into the phone) Nana?
Colonpokey: It’s me Nana
Nanapokey: Oh, so nice to hear your voice again my little pervert. Wait why are you calling me? Did you get in trouble again? Do you need money again? Did Richard Gere hit you again? What is it? You never call me
Colonpokey: (crying) They want me to leave Houston Nana…I just got here. They told me to leave. Piggy is supposed to meet us here. But this stupid Steer. He told us to leave
Nanapokey: Colonpokey! You know better than that! What did I always tell you when you were a baby hamster?
Colonpokey: You mean that you were young when you made that movie and you really needed the money?
Nanapokey: No! Not that…the other thing…
Colonpokey: That I should never let down my friends
Nanapokey: That’s it! Now wait for your friend Piggy. He will be there! (she hangs up)
Psychic GPS: What did she say?
Colonpokey: I forgot…
Psychic GPS: (electronic sigh) Look, let’s just see if we can buy some time. Maybe Piggy will arrive soon
Houston Steer: You must leave!
Psychic GPS: Ehhh…can you give us a few minutes?
Colonpokey: Yeah, we need a few minutes so we can figure out a way to stall
Psychic GPS: You stupid hamster! Don’t say that
Houston Steer: You must leave NOW!
Psychic GPS: Wait wait…we are waiting for our friend Piggy. He may already be here. He tends to make subtle entrances. You might not even notice him
AT THAT MOMENT FIREWORKS APPEAR ABOVE PSYCHIC GPS, COLONPOKEY AND THE HOUSTON STEER
A GIANT STAGE DESCENDS FROM THE CEILING AND HORNS BEGIN PLAYING “LIVING IN AMERICA” IN THE BACKGROUND. PIGGY IS ON THE STAGE WHILE IT DESCENDS. HE IS WEARING ORANGE AND AQUA STRIPED SATIN BOXER SHORTS AND DANCING
The Flying Pig: Yeah, Oink! Get up, now! Oink! Knock this out! (singing) Super highways, coast to coast, easy to get anywhere, on the transcontinental overload, just slide behind the wheel
PSYCHIC GPS WALKS BEHIND PIGGY AND PUTS A CAPE ON HIM, BUT HE FLINGS IT OFF
The Flying Pig: (singing) How does it feel. When there’s no destination – that’s too far and somewhere on the way, you might find out who you are. SQUEEEEAAAL
PSYCHIC GPS PUTS THE CAPE ON PIGGY AND THIS TIME HE DOES NOT FLING IT OFF
The Flying Pig: (Piggy spins 360 degrees) Living in America – eye to eye, station to station (singing) Living in America – hand to hand, across the nation. Living in America – got to have a celebration
COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS ARE NOW BEHIND PIGGY. PSYCHIC GPS IS PLAYING A TRUMPET, COLONPOKEY IS PLAYING A SAXOPHONE
The Flying Pig: (singing) Rock my soul. Smokestack, fatback, many miles of railroad track. All night radio, keep on runnin’ through your rock ‘n’ roll soul. All night diners keep you awake, hey, on black coffee and a hard roll
PIGGY DOES A SPLIT
The Flying Pig: (singing) You might have to walk the fine line, you might take the hard line, But everybody’s working overtime. Living in America – eye to eye, station to station. Living in America – hand to hand, across the nation. Living in America – got to have a celebration
PIGGY SLIDES ACROSS THE STAGE ON HIS KNEES
The Flying Pig: (singing) You might not be looking for the promised land, but you might find it anyway, Under one of those old familiar names, Like Houston (Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy), Oakland (Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy), New York City(Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy) , Arizona(Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy) , Cincinnati (Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy) , St. Louis(Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy), Indianapolis (Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy), Tennessee(Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy), Buffalo(Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy) , Seattle(Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy) , San Francisco(Colonpokey and GPS sing repeating Piggy), Jacksonville and New England SQUEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAL! I feel good!
Houston Steer: What was that?
The Flying Pig: Who is this guy?
Psychic GPS: This is the Houston Steer. He won’t let us pass
The Flying Pig: Nonsense. Get out of the way steer
Houston Steer: I will not. Your team is 0-6 against my team. (laughing) 0 and 6
The Flying Pig: I see. Well you make a good point. I’m just going to pick up a newspaper read it before I go hoe
Psychic GPS: Piggy??? Why are you giving up so early
The Flying Pig: Oh, you know. We are 0-6 in Houston. No one thinks our team will do anything. It’s not even worth watching the game I guess (winking at GPS) …Hey look what it says in this paper. It says the Texans re-signed David Carr.
Houston Steer: What? It can’t be? (bringing his hooves to his head) How can they re-sign that dud
The Flying Pig: Now! Run past him now!
PIGGY, COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS ALL RUN PAST THE STEER, OUT OF THE AIRPORT AND PAST THE A STADIUM. THE STEER READS THE NEWSPAPER, SEES NOTHING ABOUT DAVID CARR AND BEGINS CHASING PIGGY AND THE OTHERS. THERE IS SMOKE COMING OUT OF HIS SNOUT!
The Flying Pig: There is the stadium. See all the fans in red and blue?
Psychic GPS: I see it. That steer is pissed.
The Flying Pig: Don’t worry. He is so angry he’ll hit anyone
Annoying Fan: (pointing at Piggy and the others) Hey look, Miami fans. Dolphins suck man!
THE STEER WRECKLESSLY GORES THE FAN
Colonpokey: Heehee. Nice work Steer. You can hang out with the pokeys anytime!
Psychic GPS: to the game!
The Flying Pig: Go Dolphins!