PORKLOGUE: This weekend the Oakland Raiders come to town. And even though we beat them last December 38-14 in a game where we ran the ball for over 200 yards, the Raiders are favored by 3. WTF….All I can say is OINK BITCHES!
PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY ARE ON THE FLOOR CRYING WHEN PIGGY WALKS INTO THE ROOM
The Flying Pig: Hey, why are you are you guys crying? Cheer up, we are back in South Florida.
Psychic GPS: Electronic Cry. We lost in Houston Piggy!
The Flying Pig: I know but it’s time to take on the Raiders.
Psychic GPS: Piggy, we are 0-1. Don’t you see that?
The Flying Pig: It’s just the first game of the season…
Colonpokey: The season is lost Piggy.
The Flying Pig: Lost? We have 15 games left?
Psychic GPS: 15 miserable games.
Colonpokey: Yeah, we suck Piggy!
The Flying Pig: Come on guys, you are overreacting. Everything is okay. The season has just started guys. Don’t get so discouraged.
Psychic GPS: Piggy I admire your optimism, but that game was painful
The Flying Pig: Week 2 is now here. It’s a much easier opponent and it’s at home. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Colonpokey: I guess you are right Piggy.
Psychic GPS: You do have a point Piggy.
The Flying Pig: Stay positive guys. Look at me. I have no concerns about this team. None! Now if you can excuse me, I’m going to use the bathroom.
PIGGY WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM AND LOCKS THE DOOR. PIGGY PLACES HIS FRONT TROTTERS ON THE BATHROOM SINK COUNTER AND LOOKS HIMSELF IN THE EYE IN THE MIRROR
The Flying Pig: SQUEAL, SNORT. We lost! SQUEAL SNORT I can’t believe we lost. We are doomed.
The Flying Pig: Tanny is done! He threw three interceptions. Another bad draft choice. SQUEAL SNORT. I can’t take this anymore. No more misery. Why is it so painful being a Dolphin fan?
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE BATHROOM DOOR
Colonpokey: Piggy what are you doing in there?
Psychic GPS: Are you okay Piggy?
Colonpokey: If you are masturbating, can I come in?
The Flying Pig: No! (defensively) I’m not doing anything. Leave me alone
Psychic GPS: It sounds like you are crying?
The Flying Pig: (opening the door) I’m not crying!
Psychic GPS: It looks like you are crying too.
The Flying Pig: I’m not crying! Um…there is something in my eyes.
Colonpokey: Yeah, they are called tears…heehee.
Psychic GPS: (looking at Colonpokey) Should we tell him?
The Flying Pig: Tell me what?
Colonpokey: Piggy, are you ready to obtain great knowledge? (Colonpokey holds up a shovel)
Psychic GPS: Do you want to learn about the Raiders? (GPS puts on a black hooded robe)
The Flying Pig: What are you talking about?
Colonpokey: Piggy (putting on a black hooded robe) come with us Piggy…
Psychic GPS: Yes, Piggy follow us (Psychic GPS lights three candles and gives one to Colonpokey and one to Piggy)
PSYCHIC GPS LEADS COLONPOKEY AND PIGGY INTO A GRAVEYARD TO A TOMBSTONE WHICH IS SHAPED AS A JUMP SUIT. IT IS A DARK NIGHT. IT’S RAINING HARD AND THERE IS A LOT OF THUNDER
Psychic GPS: Here!
The Flying Pig: This all looks so familiar to me. Have I been here before?
Colonpokey: (as he begins digging in the ground) There is only one place I would rather dig.
Psychic GPS: (helping Colonpokey dig) Soon we will be in his presence!
The Flying Pig: You guys are acting really weird. I think you may have taken the loss harder than I thought…
Psychic GPS: I see the Adidas coffin.
THUNDER CRASHES AS PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY LIFT THE COFFIN UP, WIPE OFF THE MUD AND OPEN IT. A CORPSE COMES OUT OF THE COFFIN
The Corpse of Al Davis: Good Evening.
The Flying Pig: SQUEEEAAAAAAALLL! Everyone run. It’s a talking prune! (Piggy hides behind the tombstone) SQUEEEAALLLL!
The Corpse of Al Davis: It is I Pigstah. The Corpse of Al Davis. You don’t remembah me?
Colonpokey: We chanted “you won’t remember a thing” last time.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Ah…of course.
PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE CORPSE BUT PIGGY IS BEHIND THE CORPSE HIDING BEHIND THE TOMBSTONE
The Corpse of Al Davis: Did you bring the ahffering Hamstah?
The Flying Pig: offering?
The Corpse of Al Davis: (turning his head 180 degrees and looking at Piggy) Yes, the blood.
Colonpokey: Yes we brought it.
The Corpse of Al Davis: (turning his head 180 degrees back to Colonpokey and GPS) Good.
Psychic GPS: (holding a small vile of blood up) one vile of Lane Kiffin’s blood!
The Flying Pig: gross….
The Corpse of Al Davis: (turning his head 180 degrees and looking at Piggy) It gives me life Piggy. Even the undead need to feed.
Psychic GPS: We want to give you the blood, but…
The Corpse of Al Davis: But What? (turning his head 180 degrees back to Colonpokey and GPS)
Colonpokey: We need answers?
The Corpse of Al Davis: Answahs?
Psychic GPS: Yes, Corpse, answers about the Raiders.
The Corpse of Al Davis: The Raidahs? Do you think me a traitah?
Colonpokey: Please Corpse. I feel hollow inside when the Dolphins lose.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Nevah! I will not betray the Black and Silvah!
Psychic GPS: But we brought the blood.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Well it does look tasty. Kiffin is a weasel but is blood is sweet.
The Corpse of Al Davis: But I can’t do it.
The Flying Pig: What? (coming out from behind the tombstone) C’mon man….
The Corpse of Al Davis: (turning his head 180 degrees and looking at Piggy) I won’t tell you.
The Flying Pig: But we came all this way in the rain…
The Corpse of Al Davis: (turning his head 360 degrees) no Pigstah. I love the Raidahs.
The Flying Pig: Give me the vile. (aggressively taking the vile from GPS)
Colonpokey: No Piggy!
The Flying Pig: The power of pork compels you! (spraying the blood on the Corpse of Al Davis) The power of pork compels you!
The Corpse of Al Davis: It burns! It burns! (turning his head 360 degrees much faster than before)
Psychic GPS: Piggy! There is smoke coming off his skin.
Colonpokey: Piggy you are embarrassing me…I’m never taking you grave digging again.
The Flying Pig: (gripping the vile with his trotters) Tell us about the Raiders!
The Corpse of Al Davis: Okay Okay….Cahson Palmah! (using his hands to stop his head from spinning)
The Flying Pig: You mean Palmer?
The Corpse of Al Davis: That is what I said Palmah.
The Flying Pig: Pal-MER.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Pal-MAH. I know how to say his name! He passed for ovah 2700 yards last year in 10 games for the Raidahs. We paid dearly for him. But he is worth it. He has thrown for over 25,000 yards in his career.
The Flying Pig: What’s his weakness?
The Corpse of Al Davis: I can’t….
The Flying Pig: I’ll spray you!
The Corpse of Al Davis: He has a tendency to throw intahceptions. He threw 16 last year in 10 games. He has thrown 20 intahceptions in a season twice in his career.
The Flying Pig: Tell me more. Don’t hold out.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Darren McFadden.
The Flying Pig: McFarden?
The Corpse of Al Davis: McFadden I said.
The Flying Pig: No, it’s Mc-FAR-den.
Psychic GPS: Eh…Piggy…I think the corpse has it right.
The Flying Pig: Well I guess the shoe is on the other trotter this time…Speak corpse, or you will be sprayed!
The Corpse of Al Davis: McFadden is the stah of the team. He had 15 rushes last week and 13 catches. In 2011 he only had 614 rushing yahds but he was injahed. In 2010 He had over 1100 rushing yahds and over 500 receiving yahds. And that is what we will get out of him in 2012. We better, he is also on my fantasy team.
The Flying Pig: And what about the defense?
The Corpse of Al Davis: We are not so good. Last year we were 29th in the league in points against per game. Yuk. And this year, we seem to have some trouble with this thing called the neutral zone. I hate rules! But this guy is my kind of linebacker, a criminal first and foremost!
The Flying Pig: Good Corpse. See that wasn’t so bad.
The Corpse of Al Davis: Give me what is left in the vile.
Colonpokey: Um…wait Piggy….
The Flying Pig: Here you go (tossing the vile to the corpse).
The Corpse of Al Davis: (after brining the vile to his mouth) Hey this doesn’t taste like Kiffin blood. It tastes like…like…like…is this pig’s blood?
The Flying Pig: What?
Colonpokey: Sorry Piggy, its all the butcher would sell us.
Psychic GPS: Electronic shame. It’s hard to get Kiffin’s blood while he is winning at USC.
The Flying Pig: you disgusting bastards.
The Corpse of Al Davis: You know this stuff isn’t so bad. I think I’m developing a taste for it
The Flying Pig: Well, it looks like it time for us to leave…
The Corpse of Al Davis: I could use some more of this stuff. Where is my dog, Skeletor?
PIGGY BEGINS SNEAKING AWAY
The Corpse of Al Davis: There you are Skeletor! Skeletor, bring me pig’s blood.
SKELETOR SEES PIGGY AND STARTS CHASING PIGGY WHILE BARKING AT HIM
The Flying Pig: SQUEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL! (flying away) Go Dolphins!