PIGGY IS FLYING THROUGH THE AIR WITH COLONPOKEY AND PSYCHIC GPS ON HIS BACK. HE IS DOING CIRCLES AROUND FOXBORO PALACE.
The Flying Pig: Suck it bitches!
Colonpokey: (throwing a pellet down at some of the guards) We are going home now! We are going to watch training camp.
Psychic GPS: Maybe we should get going…
The Flying Pig: Relax GPS, they can’t get us up here, you are so uptight…
Psychic GPS: Piggy, they are going to be mad you didn’t give them a statue.
The Flying Pig: Oh I gave them a statue…
MEANWHILE IN THE PALACE KING BELICHEAT IS BEING ESCORTED TO THE CELL ALONG A SET OF LONG SPIRALING STAIRS. THE KING IS FLANKED BY THE COMMISIONER AND DUKE KRAFT
Duke Kraft: (holding an IPhone) and here is another picture of my new girlfriend in a bikini
The Commissioner: The guards say he flew out the window…eh, some of us suggested it was a bad idea to throw him in a cell with a window
Guard #1: (arriving at the cell) Your highness, he did leave a statue.
Duke Kraft: It’s a QB! its our QB!…hey that doesn’t look bieberesqe
The Commissioner: There is a note on it. Its says (reading) “Dear King, here is the statue of the greatest QB of all time that you asked for. They didn’t need to change the rules for this QB.”
King Belicheat: Damn that Pig! Guards! Bring him down!
OUTSIDE THE PALACE
The Flying Pig: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Suckers! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Hey what is that, that the guards are pointing at us? It looks like a giant…
Psychic GPS: That is a crossbow you perverted hamster and they are loading what looks like a net on it. Piggy hurry – fly. Fly where they can’t reach us. To the ocean!
The Flying Pig: (turning to the Atlantic and flying away) Let’s get out of here!
A GIANT NETS FLYS AT PIGGY BUT HE DODGES IT
The Flying Pig: That was close!
Psychic GPS: faster Piggy!
Colonpokey: I can see Quincy Bay below us. I’m jumping!
Psychic GPS: Colonpokey, you can’t jump from this height. It might kill you
Colonpokey: (agreeing) I guess you are ri…
The Flying Pig: (tilting slightly to his side and grabbing Psychic GPS) See you later Colonpokey!
COLONPOKEY FALLS OFF PIGGY’S BACK
Colonpokey: Waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiitttttttt (falling below to the ocean)
Psychic GPS: Piggy!
The Flying Pig: What? He said he wanted off…
A GIANT NETS FLYS AT PIGGY, THIS TIME HE IS UNABLE TO AVOID IT AND IT SNARES HIM
Psychic GPS: They got us!
The Flying Pig: We’re falling. This is the end GPS. This is the end!
Psychic GPS: Not for me. I’m waterproof. Sucks for you though…
SPLASH! THEY FALL INTO THE BAY AND PSYCHIC GPS AND PIGGY ARE SEPERATED. PIGGY BEGINS TO SINK DEEP TO THE BAY FLOOR
The Flying Pig: This is the end. This is the end!
The Corpse of Al Davis: Pigstah…
THE CORPSE OF AL DAVIS APPEARS IN AN OLD SCUBA DIVING SUIT
The Corpse of Al Davis: Pigstah. It is me. Your friend Al Davis. Do you remembah me?
The Flying Pig: I remember Colonpokey telling me to get a shovel…I remember waking up next to Colonpokey in bed and then beating him with a pancake…
The Corpse of Al Davis: Eh….Some things may be bettah left unsaid Pigstah
The Flying Pig: No, its not like that…he made me sausages
The Corpse of Al Davis: Look, whatever you and the hamstah do in the bedroom is none of my business…I’m here to tell you not to drown Pigstah (removing the net from Piggy)
The Flying Pig: but I can’t breathe underwater?
The Corpse of Al Davis: Piggy, like I always say…just swim baby.
The Flying Pig: Swim? Why didn’t I think of that? Thanks Al!
PIGGY SWIMS UP AND POKES HIS SNOUT OUT OF THE WATER
Psychic GPS: Over here Piggy!
A LOBSTER CLAW REACHES DOWN AND GRABS PIGGY’S TROTTER BRINGING HIM TO THE SHORE
The Flying Pig: What? Who are you?
The Great Northeast Lobster: I am the Great Northeast Lobster, Commander of the Lobster Army of the Northeast. Welcome Piggy.
The Great Northeast Lobster: Long have the forces of King Belicheat caused my brothers and sisters to die at the hands of greedy fishermen. King Belicheat filmed our migratory routes, and gave that information to the fishermen. (lowering his head) Now, a lobster becomes a lobster roll before he is old enough to claw wrestle. Its is truly a sad short life for us. I have assembled this army of crustaceans and shellfish to fight King Belicheat!
The Giant Crab of Boston: Enough of your fluffy words lobster! I’m not here for you and your snooty lobsters. We crabs have also suffered at the hands of King Belicheat. When I get my claws on that hoody, I will tear his head off!
The Giant Crab of Boston: Oh here we go ago…(mocking the lobster) I’m $25.00 a pound. I’m the only one that suffers. blah blah blah. You condescending bastard! Crabs suffer too! In Boston, In Maryland, everywhere!
The Clam Delegate: Eh…okay, the point is, we all hate King Belicheat and we have come together, by treaty, to fight the King …remember the treaty guys. We the clams joined this group because we are tired of being made into chowder!
The Flying Pig: What is he saying? I only hear a little squeaking noise
The Clam Delegate: No one knows. (whispering) He is so small we can’t hear him. Just nod you head in agreement.
The Flying Pig: I know your pain. My whole life people have slaughtered pigkind, just for a little morning satisfaction with their eggs. And the pig roasts, forget it…massacre… And the slow roasted ribs for weekend barbecues…(piggy pauses) What? Why is everyone looking at me this way?
THE LOBSTER, CRAB, PRAWN AND CLAM ARE ALL STARING AT PIGGY AS THEY DROOL
The Psychic GPS: Um, Piggy, maybe you should stop talking about the ways people cook you…the point is, while their army fights King Belicheat, we can escape and no one will see us!
The Great Northeast Lobster: Use the sea to get home Piggy, do not trust to the skies, they will shoot you down. The Dolphins will guide you home.
A POD OF DOLPHINS APPEARS IN THE WATER
Dolphins: Eeeeeeeeeh Eeeeeeeeeeeeeh Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh
Psychic GPS: Let’s go Piggy!
The Flying Pig: I want to thank you all or helping us. And I wish you luck in the battle against hungry humans. Thank you Great Lobster (the lobster bows) you are very dignified yet ferocious. Thank you Great Crab (the crab flexes) you are gruff and strong. Thank you clam (the clam nods raises his clam foot) you are the definition of a team player, and most of all (pointing at the prawn) thank you brave little shrimp
The Little Prawn: I’m a prawn you son of a bitch! (the Prawn punches Piggy in the stomach) Nobody uses that word anymore
The Great Northeast Lobster: (helping Piggy up) When you get to Florida my cousin the Great Florida Lobster will meet you. He is a gracious host, but no matter what you do…don’t mention anything about claws to him…
The Flying Pig: (jumping in the water) well at least we ditched Colonpokey
Colonpokey: Hey, wait up guys!
Psychic GPS: To Davie!
THE POD OF DOLPHINS, PIGGY, PSYCHIC GPS AND COLONPOKEY SWIM SOUTH TOWARDS FLORIDA. MEANWHILE ON THE SURFACE THE GREAT NORTHEAST LOBSTER IS GIVING A SPEECH TO A GROUP OF LOBSTERS, CRABS, CLAMS, OYSTERS, SCALLOPS, MUSSELS AND PRAWNS
The Great Northeast Lobster: (walking in front of the army) I am the Great Northeast Lobster. And I see a whole army of my countryshellfish, here in defiance of tyranny! You have come to fight as free shellfish. And free shellfish you are! What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?
Random Lobster: (shouting at the Great Lobster) Two thousand against ten? No! We will swim – and live!
The Great Northeast Lobster: Yes! Fight and you may die. Swim and you will live, at least awhile. And dying in your shell many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young shellfish and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, (raising his voice) but they will never take our freedom! (raising his claws in the air). Let’s raid the palace!
The Giant Crab of Boston: Wait…I have a speech too.
The Great Northeast Lobster: I think one speech is enough. We are all psyched up!
The Giant Crab of Boston: Its my army too! Remember the treaty! (the Crab turns and speaks to the army) Shellfish, this stuff we hear about Shellfish wanting to stay out of this war, not wanting to fight, is a lot of bullshit. Shellfish love to fight traditionally. All real shellfish love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble player, the fastest runner, the big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Shellfish love a winner, and do not tolerate a loser. Shellfish despise cowards. Shellfish play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a oyster who lost and laughed. That’s why Shellfish have never lost, and will never, never lose a war; for the very thought of losing is hateful to an Shellfish (raising his claws) Let’s take the battle to them boy!
THE SMALL PRAWN STEPS IN FRONT OF THE ARMY
The Clam Delegate: Wait, I think the prawn wants to make a speech too
THE SMALL PRAWN LETS OUT A BARELY AUDIBLE SQUEAK. ALL THE SHELLFISH LOOK AT EACH OTHER CONFUSED
Random Crab: What’s he saying?
Random Scallop: I can’t hear him
Random Mussel: It sounds like…charge?
Random Oyster: Charge! He said Charge!
THE ARMY CHARGES THE PALACE RUNNING OVER THE LITTLE PRAWN
The Little Prawn: (getting up off the ground after the army has passed) …so I guess no one else is having second thoughts…
BACK IN THE OCEAN
The Flying Pig: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Dolphins: Eeeeeeh Eeeeeh Eeeeeh
The Flying Pig: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Dolphins: Eeeeeeh Eeeeeh Eeeeeeeeeeeh
The Flying Pig: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Colonpokey: (whispering to Psychic GPS) I hope it’s not like this all the way home
Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover: And that is how the Porcine Odyssey ended. Enjoy training Camp everyone