PIGGY IS DRUNK IN THE BARN WHERE HE LIVES. WEDGE, MUSTACHIO, PSYCHIC GPS AND THE LITTLE PRAWN WALK IN THE ROOM
Psychic GPS: Piggy! (nervously tugging on Piggy’s shoulder) We can’t find Bionic Colonpokey! He escaped his cage.
The Flying Pig: The Miami Heat are World Champions Bitches!
Mustachio: Affanculo Piggy! Are you still drunk? Its been more than a week since they won the championship!
The Flying Pig: Two time Champions Mother fuckers! (Piggy throws a beer against the wall)
The Little Prawn: “….”
The Flying Pig: Yeah that’s right Prawny! A fuck has not been given all week!
The Little Prawn
Wedge: But Piggy…Its Bionic Colonpokey…He died for you…
PIGGY SLAPS WEDGE
The Flying Pig: (Grabbing Wedge by the Shoulders) Do not speak to me of death. The Miami Heat are life!
Wedge: But isn’t drinking for over a week a little too much celebratory time
The Flying Pig: There is no time! (Piggy takes off his pants) There is no pants! (Piggy throws his pants across the room) There is only Oink. Two time champions bitches (Piggy passes out)
ELSEWHERE IN A LUXURY CONDO IN LOS ANGELAS, RICHARD GERE IS LYING IN BED NEXT TO BIONIC COLONPOKEY
Richard Gere: Oh Colonpokey, I’m so glad you came back to me.
Bionic Colonpokey: Beep Beep. Butts! Beep Beep
Richard Gere: But you are so different now…what happened to you my little rodent…you are so cold now…
Bionic Colonpokey: Beep Beep.
Richard Gere: (turning to Bionic Colonpokey) Come on Colonpokey…You never talk to me anymore. I’m not a piece of meat…open up to me…where have you been since you left me?
Bionic Colonpokey: Beep Beep I cannot. I do not remember anything…I am now more machine than hamster (a tear falls from Bionic Colonpokey’s super eye) Beep Beep
Richard Gere: My poor rodent…I am here for you when you are ready to talk….Oh shit…Dancing With the Stars is on! (quickly grabbing the remote and turning on the television)
Bionic Colonpokey: Beep Beep its just that…
Richard Gere: Shhhhh….I love this song!
DANCING WITH THE STARS ENDS AND RICHARD GERE BEGINS TO FLIP THROUGH CHANNELS. A VIDEO OF MARC SANCHEZ DANCING IS ON ONE STATION. BIONIC COLONPOKEY NOTICES AND GRABS THE REMOTE
Richard Gere: Colonpokey! What is it? There is smoke coming from your ears
Bionic Colonpokey: Beep Beep Buttfumble Beep Beep
Richard Gere: Is it something about your past? Tell me Colonpokey…Where have you been since you left me?
RICHARD GERE GRABS A SCREWDRIVER AND JAMS IT IN BIONIC COLONPOKEY’S EAR. HE TURNS IT TO THE RIGHT AND TRIGGERS BIONIC COLONPOKEY’S FLASHBACK
A MAN WALKS INTO A PET STORE HE HAS A BOX IN ONE HAND WHICH IS COVERED BY A BLANKET. HE APPROACHES ANOTHER MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: I need your help! What do you know about hamsters?
Henry (the Clerk): Oh I know quite a bit. Got plenty for sale. Let me show you…
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: No! I don’t want to buy them. I want to sell some to you! These three (uncovering the box)
Henry: Sir, we don’t buy back pets…
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: Please! We can’t handle these anymore! They are too…too…too….well look at them…
HENRY LOOKS IN THE BOX AND SEES THREE HAMSTERS: COLONPOKEY, NANAPOKEY, AND IGNORAMUSPOKEY
Henry: They look like hamsters to me…this one (picking up Nanapokey) is kind of cute
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: They are perverts!
Henry: Oh Come on, this little one (Nanapokey winks at Henry)
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: That one you are holding is the older one. The other one with his tongue out there…he is the dumb one…but this one (pointing at Colonpokey) he is a filthy rodent! I got to get rid of them. Mr. Gere does’t get out of bed anymore! He will never get to work again…and if he does’t work, he can’t pay me!
Henry: Well, I guess I kind of like the old one…
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: Its all three of them or none of them!
Henry: Well I guess I can give you 5 for them
Colonpokey: They better mean five hundred dollars…
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: I was hoping for 10…
Ignoramuspokey: 10 marbles?
Colonpokey: ten thousand dollars you moron!
Henry: 10! For all three of them…look if it were just this one cute older one (Nanapokey winks at Henry again) 10 would be fair…but these two others…well they drop the price…
Colonpokey: Come on now…
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: I’ll take 7
Henry: 7…no way buddy…you came here desperate…and if you want me to take that perverted one the price drops!
Colonpokey: Oh, go fuck yourselves!
Mr. Gere’s Assistant: Okay 5 dollars
HENRY HANDS MR. GERE’S ASSISTANT FIVE DOLLARS AND THE ASSISTANT LEAVES THE STORE
Colonpokey: What the fuck! Five dollars! (Colonpokey kicks the ground)
Ignoramuspokey: Duh…I like it here
Colonpokey: Are you crazy! This is a pet store….this is prison! We were going to rot in this place.
HENRY PUTS INGORAMUSPOKEY AND COLONPOKEY IN A GLASS DISPLAY TANK. HE PUTS THE TANK UP ON A HIGH TOP SHELF ABOVE A FEW FISH TANKS. HE KEEPS NANAPOKEY WITH HIM AND HAS CLEARLY GROWN FOND OF HER VERY QUICKLY
Henry: There we go….but this one (talking to Nanapokey) you are coming with me…
Colonpokey: Nanapokey (trying to get her attention) What do we do? We have to get out of here?
Nanapokey: (whispering to Colonpokey) Oh my little pokeys…remember what I taught you…
Colonpokey: You mean that thing with the wrench, the butter and the inter tube?
Nanapokey: No not that Colonpokey…You have to get out of here…you have to seduce the next customer who comes through that door…remember what I taught you…
HENRY AND NANAPOKEY LEAVE THE ROOM
Ignoramuspokey: Colonpokey, I know what we can do…(he begins to climb up to the top of the tank and push up on the top to create a space to slip through)
Colonpokey: What are you doing Ignoramuspokey? Its too high…Don’t…
BEFORE COLONPOKEY CAN STOP HIM, IGNORAMUSPOKEY CRAWLS OUT OF THE TOP OF THE DISPLAY TANK AND FALLS TO HIS DEATH
Colonpokey: Damn you Darwin! Now I am alone! Its useless. I’m going to be in this prison for the rest of my life.
SUDDENLY MARC SANCHEZ – THE FRANCHISE, THE GREATEST QB EVER AND THE SAVIOR OF THE NY JESTS ENTERS THE PET STORE
Sanchez: Can anyone help me?
HENRY WALKS INTO THE STORE FROM THE BACK OF THE STORE
Henry: How can I help you?
Sanchez: You probably recognize me…I’m Marc Sanchez and I want to buy a snake
Henry: I don’t currently have any snakes
Sanchez: But high school girls like snakes
Henry: I don’t have any…but I do have this…(walking Sanchez to the tank with Colonpokey) these two hamster…eh..(kicking Ignoramuspokey’s carcass away) this one hamster just came in today.
Sanchez: I don’t want a hamster. I’m an NFL QB. I’m going to take the Jests to the Super Bowl. I can’t do that and have a hamster
SUDDENLY THE LIGHTS DIM AND A SMALL SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON COLONPOKEY IN THE TANK. SADE’S NO ORDINARY LOVE BEGINS PLAYING INT HE BACKGROUND
Colonpokey: (singing seductively) I gave you all the pokey I got. I gave you more than I could give. I gave you pokey. I gave you all that I have inside.
COLONPOKEY SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HIPS FROM LEFT TO RIGHT
Colonpokey: (singing seductively)And you took my pokey. You took my pokey. Didn’t I tell you, What I believe. Did somebody say that a pokey like that won’t last
Didn’t I give you. All that I’ve got to give baby
COLONPOKEY MOTIONS SANCHEZ TO COME CLOSER TO THE TANK AND HE DOES
Colonpokey: (singing seductively) I gave you all the pokey I got. I gave you more than I could give. I gave you pokey. I gave you all that I have inside. And you took my pokey. You took my pokey.
Colonpokey: (singing seductively) I keep crying. I keep trying for you. There’s nothing like you and I baby
COLONPOKEY PUTS ON A MERMAID COSTUME AND JUMPS IN A FISHTANK BELOW
Colonpokey: (singing this part more passionately) This is no ordinary POKEY.
No ordinary POKEY. This is no ordinary POKEY. No ordinary POKEY
THE LIGHTS TURN ON AGAIN AND SANCHEZ IS STARING AT COLONPOKEY
Henry: Well…do you still want that snake?
Sanchez: No…No…I want this hamster. (handing his wallet to Henry) Take whatever you want.
COLONPOKEY’S FLASHBACK ENDS
Richard Gere: Damnit I knew I should have fired that assistant…Hey Colonpokey where are you going…
Bionic Colonpokey: Beep Beep Dick, we had fun, but Sanchez is my soul mate. I’m going to find him now. But I need my friend Piggy’s help.
ELSEWHERE NEAR A BAR. TWO ALIEN SCIENTISTS LEFT BEHIND BY THEIR SPACESHIP WANDER
Alien Scientist #1: I can’t believe they left us on this planet
Alien Scientist #2: Yeah, this planet sucks. I mean its not even football season
Alien Scientist #1: Maybe there is a reason we are here. Maybe we are supposed to doing something…something great for this planet
Alien Scientist #2: Yes…I think You are right. We can save this planet…Hey look is that a bar?
Alien Scientist #1: I think so…Hey…maybe
Alien Scientist #2: Lets get drunk!
Alien Scientist #1: Yeah! Fuck this planet!
To be Continued…
In next weeks’ Oddyssey the two Alien Scientist discuss the NFC West