TWO ALIEN SCIENTISTS WALK INTO A BAR – NO THIS IS NOT THE START OF A JOKE
Alien Scientist #1: There is a couple of stools by the bar (pointing at two empty stools)
Alien Scientist #2: Are you sure those aren’t taken?
Alien Scientist #1: Well we can always ask some one….
Alien Scientist #2: Um (timidly)…you ask…
ALIEN SCIENTIST #1 WALKS TO THE BAR, BRIEFLY TALKS TO THE MAN NEXT TO THE EMPTY STOOLS AND THEN GESTURES ALIEN SCIENTIST #2 TO JOIN HIM
Alien Scientist #1 aka Stella
Alien Scientist #1: (once the other alien sits down) what do you want to drink?
Alien Scientist #2: Um…whatever you are drinking
Alien Scientist #1: Okay, lets get the bartender’s attention – see if you can hail him down hair
ALIEN SCIENTIST #2 TIMIDLY RAISES HIS ARM QUICKLY AND THEN LOWERS IT
Alien Scientist #2: (disappointed) I guess he didn’t see me…
Alien Scientist #1: (sign) hailing the bartender
Bartender: How you guys doing? What are you having?
Alien Scientist #1: Two protostellar jets please
Bartender: Two what?
Alien Scientist #1: Eh…Two saturn’s rings
Alien Scientist #1: (sign) What do you recommend
Bartender: Got a special on Stella
Alien Scientist #1: All right then two Stellas
Alien Scientist #2: I guess we have to remember we we are…
Bartender: (placing two Stellas on the bar) I’m guessing you guys aren’t from around here (looking at Alien Scientist#2) What are your names?
ALIEN SCIENTIST #2 GIGGLES BUT CAN SAY ANYTHING
Alien Scientist #1: Um…he is a little shy…my name is (He makes a humming sound)
Bartender: Come again?
ALIEN SCIENTIST #2 ELBOWS ALIEN SCIENTIST #1
Alien Scientist #1: Oh I mean (looking around and noticing the galls of beer in front of him) My name is Stella and this is um…(looking around the bar and noticing a sign) This is Guinness
Alien Scientist #2 aka Guinness
Stella: (to Guinness) Guinness…you have to speak up a little…quit being so shy
Guinness: Sorry Stella…I’ve always been a little shy…but once I get a couple of drinks in me I come out of my shell (taking a big gulp of his beer)
Stella: All right then…drink up
Guinness: (quickly finish his beer) Bartender, can we get a couple of more
Stella: Oh I don’t need another just yet…
Guinness: They are both for me! (quickly gulping down one of the new beers)
Bartender: So what brings you two here?
Guinness: (finishing his third beer) shots shots shots!
Stella: We are here…we are here…we are here for FOOTBALL
Guinness: (singing) Bah bah-dah bah dah dah dah dah dah, bah bah-dah bah dah dah dah dah dah
THE BARTENDER POORS TWO SHOTS OF TEQUILA AND GUINNESS DRINKS BOTH BEFORE STELLA CAN GRAB ONE
Stella: Today we are previewing the NFC West. You might remember a few years ago, this was the worst division in the NFL – well not anymore. Its probably the best now!
Guinness: (singing) Bah bah-dah bah dah dah dah dah dah, bah bah-dah bah dah dah dah dah dah (Guinness falls of his stool)
Bartender: I am a Niners fan!
Stella: Ah, the 49ers. The Division winner last year. The 49ers seemingly have it all. A solid defense
Guinness: (slurring) Damn good defense!
Stella: A great offensive line, great running game, tons of weapons and a good young QB. They went onto the draft with more draft picks than any other team and had $$$ to spend in free agency too. They lost Doshon Gholston this offseason and strangely kept Donte Whitner instead. I thought Gholston was the safety to keep between the two. But with their first round pick they added Eric Reid the LSU safety and they also added a CB, who was once a top tier CB in free agency, Nmandi Asomugha, so I find it hard to believe their secondary will struggle, especially with that front seven and two of the best indie linebackers in the league in Willis and Bowman. One interesting move on defense for them…bringing in Glen Dorsey. The LSU DT was a bit of a bust for the Chiefs – but the big guy has talent and might blossom around all that other talent
Guinness: Shots shots shots!
Bartender: Um…I’m not sure you need any more…
Guinness: Go 49ers
Bartender: Well – I guess one more round…(pouring a couple more tequila shots)
Stella: This offseason Michael Crabtree suffered an Achilles tendon injury, which is a big loss. But they did bring in Anquan Boldin who killed the 49ers in the Super Bowl. The niners had an outstanding draft. They drafted the aforementioned Reid, Quentin Patton, Tank Carradine, Marcus Lattimore and Corey Lemonier. That’s a heck of a draft class coming in. In my opinion the 49ers have all the talent to repeat as NFC West Champs – but the big question for them…is the read option just an NFL fad, or is it for real.
Guinness: (slamming his fist on the bar) But let me tell you about the Seahawks (hiccup) Russell Simmons is fucking awesome!
Stella: Um…I think he means Russell Wilson
Bartender: Eh…looks like (pulling away from Guinness) your friend might have had too much too drink)
Stella: Yeah I guess…back the Seahawks. The Seahawks made a splash early this offseason with the addition of Percy Harvin. This guy is so explosive, if he is healthy Russell Wilson should be even better in year two. They also added an underrated WR in the 4th round by the name of Chris Harper – I hear some guy named DBolt is a fan of his. But more than anything else the Seahawks added a ton of pass rushers in the offseason
Guinness: (drunkenly shouting) The Seahawks added 63 Defensive Ends in May.
Stella: Um I’m not sure it was that much…
Guinness: The Seahawks added 86 Defensive Ends this offseason
Stella: What? You just said 63
Guinness: The Seahawks added 173 Defensive Ends this offseason. Their roster will consist of Russell Wilson and Defensive Ends only. Here is the defensive scheme I elect them to run:
DE – DE – DE – DE
DE – DE – DE
DE – DE
Stella: Uh…Maybe you should slow down a bit
Guinness: What? I own this beer. (pointing at his beer and growling) Own it!
Stella: Okay, let’s move on to the Rams, an up and coming team under Jeff Fisher…
Guinness: Mustaches, Helicopters, Bradford, Blah, Blah Blah, Jeff Fisher is a cocksucker!
Stella: Aside from what my friend mentioned, the Rams aggressively pursued Tavon Austin, a very explosive WR, who should make Bradford a better QB. They also signed Jared Cook and Jake Long from the Dolphins
Guinness: Oh those fucking bastards! (smashing his glass against the wall) Fuck you Rams! Fuck you! (Guinness punches a random bar patron)
Bartender: Hey man, you git to take that guy out of here. He is out of hand!
Stella: But I was just about to talk about the Cardinals
Bartender: What’s to discuss. They acquired Carson Palmer (laughing). Get that drunk out of here
Stella: (dragging Guinness out of the bar) Okay okay. I expect the Cards to finish last. But don’t sleep on that defense or Larry Fitzgerald for that matter.
Guinness: (opining at the bartender as he is being dragged out the door) You are #1 on my probe list buddy!
NEXT WEEK: THE NFC CENTRAL IN PREVIEWED