STELLA AND GUINNESS, TWO ALIENS, WALK INTO A BAR IN BOSTON
Stella: Guinness, this time you have to control yourself, these Bostonians will call you out if you can’t handle your liquor
Guinness: Okay, I will just drink juice or something…
Bartender: What can I getja?
Stella: Um, I will have a Guinness…
Bartender: will that be a quawt or a pint?
“from left to right Guinness and Stella”
Stella: eh…the bigger one I guess, and my friend here he will have a…
Guinness: a Cranberry juice please…
Bartender: (laughing) What ah yah having yah period…
THE TWO ALIENS LOOK AT EACH OTHER CONFUSED
Bartender: Ah you guys retahded…its a line from a wicked pissa movie, The Depahted!
Guinness: Of course…
Bartender: (Serving two stouts two the aliens) Look you bettah have a guinness like yah friend. Around heah, you might get yah head smashed fah drinking that stuff. I can tell you guys ah not from around heah…and maybe you two ah a little wee-id. Doesn’t mattah to me. But this is Bawston, we take aw racism seriously, so try to blend in…
Guinness: I hate womprats!
Bartender: That’s the spirit
Stella: Oh, okay. Well I can see all the pictures of sports star around the bar. Which is interesting, because we came here to discuss the NFL.
Bartender: The Patriots you mean
Guinness: No actually the NFC Central…
Bartender: Hold it right there cranbahri, If yah ah going to tawk NFL, you tawk about the Patriots fihst.
Guinness: Well, okay I guess…There is Tom Brady
Bartender: Tawm freakin Brady. He saved the planet yah know.
Stella: Well, I can’t say I knew that but really we want to talk NFC Central…
Bartender: (interrupting) Yah see the thing about the freakin Patriots, is that they ah such a professional ahganization. They have a buttoned-up approach to ahvahrything they do. Even that faggot Chris Bahman says so…Take the Head Coach. Bill Belichick. No one spends more time studying film that coach Belichick. He made the great Tawm Brady (the bartender pulls down a photo from the wall of Bill Belichick and shows it to the aliens)
“world class videographer”
Stella: Well Tom Brady is a good QB, but for my money I think Aaron Rogers is the best QB in the NFL right now. Which leads us to the Green Bay Packers, my pick to win the NFC Central in 2013.
Guinness: That defense worries me a bit. I mean they were eaten alive by Kaepenick and the 49ers in the playoffs last season.
Stella: Well, yes their defense left a lot to be desired last year, but they drafted a heck of a prospect in Datone Jones, who is a perfect fit for the 3-4 and they still have former defensive player of the year, Clay Matthews. As a matter of fact, they just extended his contract. Matthews can get to the QB!
Bartender: (interrupting) and the thing about the Patriots. Is they ah classy all the way from the tawp down. Take the ownah Bobby Kraft…Look at this pic. You would think just howahs after his wife’s funahrel he would be mah-ning, but not Bobby, he undahstands his obligation to the community. Look at his picture of him escahting this nice young lady around town, to some of Bawston’s classiest spots.
Bartender: And then inside the shawp, she shows awf what a wicked diplomat he is. Look at this pic!
“Putin’s other job”
Guinness: Okay, one thing I question about the Patriots is there new found lack of weapons. (finishing his stout and motioning to the bartender to give him another) Ironically they gave up a chance to draft a hell of a wide receiver prospect, Cordarelle Patterson, in a trade with the Vikings. Which brings us, thankfully, back to the NFC Central.
Stella: Ah the Vikings! A playoff team last year, and probably the best draft of 2013. Patterson, Shariff Floyd and Xavier Rhodes. You have to be kidding me! What a great draft!
Bartender: But who is their Tawm Brady?
Guinness: Um, I believe the position is still called the QB position…Third year man Christian Ponder is still their guy as far as I know. Its tough to predict how good or bad he will be. There are rumors that they want to push Matt Cassell to start
Bartender: The fahmah Patriot!
Guinness: When its said and done, when you talk Vikings, you have to talk about Adrien Peterson and for my money he is the best RB in the NFL.
Stella: Isn’t that funny. The best QB in the NFL plays for the Packers. The best RB plays for the Vikings and the best WR in the NFL…
Bartender: Danny Amendola!
Stella: Um, no I was going to say he plays for he Lions.
Bartender: Look, the best receivah in the league is not a wide receivah, he is a tight end. His name is Gronk. That guy is all about professionalism!
“button up rehab”
Guinness: Well he only had a half a dozen surgeries or so this offseason. and How bout that other tight end of theirs…You know Aaron Hernandez…
Bartender: Who? (shrugging)
Stella: The best WR in the league is Calvin Johnson and I don’t think anyone is close to this record breaking WR. Interesting enough the Lions, like the Patriots, parted ways with another WR who got in a bit of trouble this offseason, Titus Young, who if memory serves me right was arrested three times in a week and eventually waived.
Bartender: What do you mean, like the Patriots. We don’t have any players with awf the field problems. I don’t even know who this Hahnandez guy is. We wiped all his stats from the intawnet, we traded in his jahseys…he doesn’t exist… (whispering) he just vanished
Guinness: (ignoring the bartender) The Lions added a couple of weapons this offseason as well. Corey Fuller, a 6th round pick, might be a draft day steal and may help them replace Titus Young and they also signed (a tear falls from Guinness’ eye) a certain playmaking RB from Miami named Reggie Bush.
Bartender: Okay, okay, maybe this Hahnandez guy shawt a guy…or two…but the Bahs have a guy who stabbed some one
Stella: Technically it was the Bears player who was stabbed. Brandon Marshall’s wife allegedly stabbed him during a domestic dispute a couple of seasons ago. That is one of the reasons he is out of Miami and in Chicago. Overall, I have to tell you, I’m not a fan of the Bears these days. There is Marshall and then there is the other drama queen on that team Jay Cutler.
Guinness: You know though, I was a fan of their draft. I liked two LBs they picked up on day 2 of the draft, Jon Bostic and Khaseem Greene. I really think those two will help them get over the loss of Brian Urlacher to retirement. And since we are talking about the best players at certain positions in the NFL, I think we can say that Julius Peppers may be one of the best DEs in the NFL. So I expect the Bears to play great defense this year, even if their offense is inconsistent.
Bartender: Look you gawt me. The Patriots made a mistake with Hahnandez. But its not their fault. Like Bobby Kraft says, they wah duped by Hahnandez. I mean therwah no signs of any kind given by Hahnandez that indicated he would get intah trouble
“devoid of any signs”
Bartender: Thah was nothing in his past or posted on the intahnet or published in any fahrum of any kind which indicated that Hahnandez was attracted to gun violence
“Hernandez selfie which does not indicate anything of any concern to any professional organization”
Bartender: Its like Bobby Kraft said to selected member of the media, emphasizing the fact that he was doing so ovah his attahneys objections, the Patriots don’t monitah ah guys awf the field. I mean people are talking about the guy like he had gang affiliation written on his freakin body! The Patriots were duped!
Stella: Um…if you say so
Guinness: Hey, at least you guys acquired Tim Tebow (laughing)
Stella: Um, look we are looking to get out of Boston, do you know where we can find a vehicle, preferably something with a fusion reactor…
Bartender: Take this number. This is the rent cawh company I referred to Hahnandez. They have a great selection of cawhs with plenty of room in the trunk, in case you have stuff a….um…well yah know….I will see you guys latah…
NEXT WEEK THE ALIENS DISCUSS THE NFC SOUTH